Welp, after a series of events I decided tosubmit another story to the mighty. I'm to lazy to retell it here so long story short: I'm schizophrenic and I had a bad week because of it. It upset people. The end.
Also, if someone gives you twa to "heal your blah blah blah" they lying and are ignorant. Punch em.
Love, A schizophrenic
Sunday, October 20, 2019
Sunday, August 11, 2019
Re inventing the Wheel
My mind is beginning to circle back to the same problems. What about the future? my future? what are my plans? Everyone else is so far past me in life and here I sit.
Love, A Schizophrenic
Love, A Schizophrenic
Sunday, June 9, 2019
Fight: Irishmen vs American Women
So the past couple weeks have been interesting. We've had 2 guest at our house. 1 is a friend my housemate basically grew up with and the other is a friend from ireland her husband met on xbox. We've all been hanging out and going exploring, hiking, swimming, eating, and shopping. Fun right? Sure....
Most of it was fun and Damien is a really nice guy who apparently had a little crush on me. Yikes. Luckily, he noticed I am a "free spirit" as he put it. Dodged a bullet on that one. Yeet yeet. His problem is....MANSPLANING.... He mansplanned my jeep, my parking break, how to drive stick even though i drive a stick, mountain roads, water, hiking trails, bras, cheese, trucks, cars, turning lanes and lights, money, bumpers, tires, roads, fries, dos bros, dogs, walmart, stars, sunsets, gum on clothes, paint, medical things to my pre med friend, tea, sexism, fighting, parking, mountains, rivers, heat, and a billion other things. It was so annoying. He stressed us all out so bad at times because he just would not stop talking. He kept complaining and complaining and complaining. I think he has a case of culture shock. He finally leaves today and we are happy. We love the guy to death really, but he is a friend for small trips and light doses and not 2 weeks adventures. I was so afraid I was gonna say something to start a fight, but.....
Our other visiting friend jokingly said "fight me." I got excited because I LOVE FIGHTING! It is so fun and I was trained in a few forms martial arts. Through some peer pressure we all ended up in the backyard last night for a fight. I boxed our other visiting friend. She had some good punches, but I won. Damien fought my housemates husband....and won. I decided to take on the winner.....
After calling him sexist for being willing to hit a guy, but not a girl, he finally gave in. We had ourselves a good ole fashioned mixed gender boxing match. He did not hit hard at all despite all of his grunting and moaning. I tore him up. My housemate, her husband, and our friend all agreed Damien got his booty handed to him. Before he left for chocolate he said he is sore and bruised from our fight lol
Now he can go back to Ireland and tell them how kick ass women in the USA are.
Have fun
Love, A Schizophrenic
Most of it was fun and Damien is a really nice guy who apparently had a little crush on me. Yikes. Luckily, he noticed I am a "free spirit" as he put it. Dodged a bullet on that one. Yeet yeet. His problem is....MANSPLANING.... He mansplanned my jeep, my parking break, how to drive stick even though i drive a stick, mountain roads, water, hiking trails, bras, cheese, trucks, cars, turning lanes and lights, money, bumpers, tires, roads, fries, dos bros, dogs, walmart, stars, sunsets, gum on clothes, paint, medical things to my pre med friend, tea, sexism, fighting, parking, mountains, rivers, heat, and a billion other things. It was so annoying. He stressed us all out so bad at times because he just would not stop talking. He kept complaining and complaining and complaining. I think he has a case of culture shock. He finally leaves today and we are happy. We love the guy to death really, but he is a friend for small trips and light doses and not 2 weeks adventures. I was so afraid I was gonna say something to start a fight, but.....
Our other visiting friend jokingly said "fight me." I got excited because I LOVE FIGHTING! It is so fun and I was trained in a few forms martial arts. Through some peer pressure we all ended up in the backyard last night for a fight. I boxed our other visiting friend. She had some good punches, but I won. Damien fought my housemates husband....and won. I decided to take on the winner.....
After calling him sexist for being willing to hit a guy, but not a girl, he finally gave in. We had ourselves a good ole fashioned mixed gender boxing match. He did not hit hard at all despite all of his grunting and moaning. I tore him up. My housemate, her husband, and our friend all agreed Damien got his booty handed to him. Before he left for chocolate he said he is sore and bruised from our fight lol
Now he can go back to Ireland and tell them how kick ass women in the USA are.
Have fun
Love, A Schizophrenic
Thursday, June 6, 2019
learning to live with schizophrenia, the mighty
Making it through every day life as some one living with schizophrenia can be extremely tough. Going to college....well that can make it more difficult as well. It may even seem impossible at times.
College is full of opportunity, new experiences, and stressful expectations. When I first arrive to college, I was petrified. It was such a last minute thing for many reasons, had no job yet, I did not know anyone, and I was 6 hours away from home and in another state. I had to get settled on my own. I had to jump through hoops all over this new place just to get registered and financial aid worked out. I needed books too. I had an audition and rehearsals to run to. That sounds like an average beginning, but I was battling against schizophrenia at the time.
My university helped me inform my professors of my needs and helped me find ways to communicate with multiple doctors in multiple states. I was learning to keep myself on a strict daily schedule. I absolutely hated it. I hated fitting medication time in to my schedule. I hated that I took my exams in another room room from the other students. It made me angry that an alternative testing site actually helped in some cases. As a musician, I was frustrated that others could hear without hallucinations. I was embarrassed when I would begin speaking to someone only to realize they were not actually real. There were times I could not see to read music or see the board in class because a hallucination thought it necessary to stand where ever I looked. Professors thought I was unorganized. They thought I did not care because I often forgot things even if I wrote it down.They told me I needed to consider changing my major on several occasions. Many thought it necessary to tell me what was best for me when they had no idea the daily battle I, and several students, were facing. Everyone told me I should go to counseling. They didn't realize I was having as many as 4 psychiatrist/ psychologist visits a week. I hated coming out of a delusion that made think I had been cured or healed only to have to tell people it was just a schizophrenic delusion. I hated every waking second of being me because of the schizophrenia.
Learning to live with schizophrenia is a process. It is a process that takes time, trial and error, and inhuman amounts of patience. It is something that I still working on. I wanted to write this story to anyone living with or battling against a disorder of any kind. There are going to be times where you hate your disorder. There may be times where you feel so incapable and so excluded from everything and everyone else. I encourage you to push through. Push through your frustrations, hurt, confusion, overwhelms, and obstacles. Be the person that over comes in the face of adversity when no one else can. It will not be easy. It may take much longer than you thought, but keep moving.
One of the biggest most difficult things for anyone is learning your limits. I had to figure out ways to schedule things so that I was not overwhelmed with life. This meant taking fewer classes and allowing more mental break time. If things aren't working, talk with your therapist to figure out why. Trial and error. Try to be patient with yourself. There were times I would get so angry at myself that I could not function. It all goes back to taking time. Take time for yourself.
You never have to do something you do not want to do. We've all been in situations where we've felt obligated to do something or go somewhere that was stressful. It is okay to tell others "no." They will survive. I had to learn this the hard way. I had began to run myself ragged and was afraid to stop moving. One day my therapist told me to stop moving for 10 minutes a day. At 1st, I could only stop for 2 minutes, then 5, and so on. During one of my 10 minute stops, I heard music. It was a hallucination, but I decided to write it down. I had been taking aural skills classes so I decided to put it to use. I wrote down what I had heard and then wrote some more. At night, I began to dream in music. I would write it down when I woke up. I'd put all of these musical thoughts together and make compositions of them. When I am writing or playing music everything stops. Even though those moments are filled with music, those are the quietest moments. Those are the moments that taught me to see the beauty in my imperfections. That was the start of learning to live with schizophrenia instead of fighting against it.
There are still days where I struggle. There are days where I can't make complete sentences and struggle to remember my name. I still get impatient with myself. I still self harm. I still do a lot of things, but I am learning to be at peace. I am learning to live with rather than fight against schizophrenia.
I hope that the reader will find something that gives them even just a moment of peace. And in that peace, a moment of self love and patience.
Love, A Schizophrenic
College is full of opportunity, new experiences, and stressful expectations. When I first arrive to college, I was petrified. It was such a last minute thing for many reasons, had no job yet, I did not know anyone, and I was 6 hours away from home and in another state. I had to get settled on my own. I had to jump through hoops all over this new place just to get registered and financial aid worked out. I needed books too. I had an audition and rehearsals to run to. That sounds like an average beginning, but I was battling against schizophrenia at the time.
My university helped me inform my professors of my needs and helped me find ways to communicate with multiple doctors in multiple states. I was learning to keep myself on a strict daily schedule. I absolutely hated it. I hated fitting medication time in to my schedule. I hated that I took my exams in another room room from the other students. It made me angry that an alternative testing site actually helped in some cases. As a musician, I was frustrated that others could hear without hallucinations. I was embarrassed when I would begin speaking to someone only to realize they were not actually real. There were times I could not see to read music or see the board in class because a hallucination thought it necessary to stand where ever I looked. Professors thought I was unorganized. They thought I did not care because I often forgot things even if I wrote it down.They told me I needed to consider changing my major on several occasions. Many thought it necessary to tell me what was best for me when they had no idea the daily battle I, and several students, were facing. Everyone told me I should go to counseling. They didn't realize I was having as many as 4 psychiatrist/ psychologist visits a week. I hated coming out of a delusion that made think I had been cured or healed only to have to tell people it was just a schizophrenic delusion. I hated every waking second of being me because of the schizophrenia.
Learning to live with schizophrenia is a process. It is a process that takes time, trial and error, and inhuman amounts of patience. It is something that I still working on. I wanted to write this story to anyone living with or battling against a disorder of any kind. There are going to be times where you hate your disorder. There may be times where you feel so incapable and so excluded from everything and everyone else. I encourage you to push through. Push through your frustrations, hurt, confusion, overwhelms, and obstacles. Be the person that over comes in the face of adversity when no one else can. It will not be easy. It may take much longer than you thought, but keep moving.
One of the biggest most difficult things for anyone is learning your limits. I had to figure out ways to schedule things so that I was not overwhelmed with life. This meant taking fewer classes and allowing more mental break time. If things aren't working, talk with your therapist to figure out why. Trial and error. Try to be patient with yourself. There were times I would get so angry at myself that I could not function. It all goes back to taking time. Take time for yourself.
You never have to do something you do not want to do. We've all been in situations where we've felt obligated to do something or go somewhere that was stressful. It is okay to tell others "no." They will survive. I had to learn this the hard way. I had began to run myself ragged and was afraid to stop moving. One day my therapist told me to stop moving for 10 minutes a day. At 1st, I could only stop for 2 minutes, then 5, and so on. During one of my 10 minute stops, I heard music. It was a hallucination, but I decided to write it down. I had been taking aural skills classes so I decided to put it to use. I wrote down what I had heard and then wrote some more. At night, I began to dream in music. I would write it down when I woke up. I'd put all of these musical thoughts together and make compositions of them. When I am writing or playing music everything stops. Even though those moments are filled with music, those are the quietest moments. Those are the moments that taught me to see the beauty in my imperfections. That was the start of learning to live with schizophrenia instead of fighting against it.
There are still days where I struggle. There are days where I can't make complete sentences and struggle to remember my name. I still get impatient with myself. I still self harm. I still do a lot of things, but I am learning to be at peace. I am learning to live with rather than fight against schizophrenia.
I hope that the reader will find something that gives them even just a moment of peace. And in that peace, a moment of self love and patience.
Love, A Schizophrenic
Tuesday, May 14, 2019
Yesterday before work I found myself wondering around the woods near my house. I found small foot trails and signs of wild animals. It looked as if deer had been running along the paths. I thought it was strange that no laws bind them really. They could go where ever they wanted, but they chose to wonder on that path. I wondered if they'd been the ones to make an keep the path similar to a bird who has memorized the way south for the winter. If so, how many generations had kept that path? Was it recognized by scent or sight? Did they only come through at certain times and did they live near there? I'm sure they venture other places too. I'm sure they've seen all kinds of sights and smelled all kinds of plants. I wondered what part of their story does that trail belong to.
I then began to consider myself. What if I lived freely as those animals? What if I wondered, but always came home. What if I experienced many things and have seen many sights? What is stopping me and why am I letting it?
Explore.
Take care of yourelves
Be kind to one another
Be free
Love, A Schizophrenic
I then began to consider myself. What if I lived freely as those animals? What if I wondered, but always came home. What if I experienced many things and have seen many sights? What is stopping me and why am I letting it?
Explore.
Take care of yourelves
Be kind to one another
Be free
Love, A Schizophrenic
New Place
Well, I've been at the new place for a couple weeks now. 0 drama and 2 dogs = so much better than the last place. Its a bit more expensive, but not bad. I got a raise at work, but am getting a promotion and another raise soon so thats dope. I just hope thing will get easier somehow. I feel terrible because I've quit tithing and I've quit giving to people in need. I just seem to barely have enough for the necessities every month. I'm lucky the jeep was an easy fix. It kept freakin out and my dash board lite up. Come to find out, the previous owners hooked the electrical for the towing up improperly to the battery. The thing just needed to be rewired. Problem solved.
I got my letter from Lee. They're gonna give me a chance at grad school. I just have to afford an alto for lessons....and books...and tuition.I have no idea how this is going to work. I wasn't sure from the beginning, but I kept going anyway. I know God will work it out. He always does.
Keep fighting. Take care of yourselves and each other.
Love, A Schizophrenic
I got my letter from Lee. They're gonna give me a chance at grad school. I just have to afford an alto for lessons....and books...and tuition.I have no idea how this is going to work. I wasn't sure from the beginning, but I kept going anyway. I know God will work it out. He always does.
Keep fighting. Take care of yourselves and each other.
Love, A Schizophrenic
Saturday, April 27, 2019
moved out
I moved out and the dramatic roomie didn't seem to happy. The new place is nice and is in the process of being fixed up. It is my 1st night here. It doesn't feel like home yet even though I have got things hung around my room. Its temporary. I'm just tired of feeling alone. I'm so far away from my family, i don't live with people I am super close to. I want a home and maybe even a man to build and share that home with.
Be kind
Love, A Schizophrenic
Be kind
Love, A Schizophrenic
Tuesday, April 16, 2019
Notre Dome Cathedral
My heart really goes out to those in Paris. My heart goes out to all who know what the cathedral means and all it was home to. It represents unbelievable things. The building obviously means a lot to Catholicism and Christianity. It was also where western music began. Leonin and Perotin began polyphony there. The acoustics were great because of the sharp angles. Chori Spezzati techniques along with the massive organ made music fill the air. There was artwork on the walls and sculptures everywhere. The architecture is art its self that can ever be replaced. I do not believe that we can recreate the architecture and it hold the same value as that that had been there for centuries. Those walls have seen more history than almost anything else on earth. It was touching to see the videos of the people gathered singing Ave Maria while standing in the streets watching the beloved building go up in flames. I am saddened that I never got to see it in person. I have several friends that have and they continue to share the pictures. Flames may have taken parts of the building, but it will always be remembered and honored as a sacred place. Thank God that the fire did not spread and consume more than it did. Thank you to the fire fighters and other emergency workers/ clean up crews who are doing everything they can to preserve, contain, and clean.
Pray for one another.
Kyrie Elesin,
Love, a hurting musician
Pray for one another.
Kyrie Elesin,
Love, a hurting musician
Monday, April 15, 2019
roomie drama
So, about a month and a half ago my roommate asked me to move out. She said that they do not know whether or not they are going to renew the lease, but they want me to leave at the end of it. She said it is because I have a negative energy and our personalities clash. Legally, they couldn't actually make me leave. I told my friend, Tim, this and he actually went to her and asked her if she had actually tried to solve any of it. Of course not, and she also didn't want to talk about it. The other housemate said that the girl's MOM....HER MOM..... doesn't think she should be living with me....
This roommate has everyting paid for by her parents. Her rent, her schooling, her books, her gas, her hone, her food, any and all bills are paid for by her parents. Any drama she creates she calls her mom and acts pitiful an her mom actually deals with it. Her mom has called our band director and tried to drag him in on her drama. This girl has unfriended her best friend (she still wants this girl to move in so that she doesn't have to fill more than 2 spots in the house) because SHE made her friend cry. She made her friend cry, didn't know how to deal with it, and refused to talk to her for a month. Everyone knows the friend didn't deserve that.
So NOW everyone else in the house is moving out leaving my roommate ad her mommy to solve the problem and pay for everything themselves because mommy doesn't want her to move because it isn't "safe." THEN she asked me to stay a couple days on an extended lease to help clean.....
ABSOLUTELY NOOOOOOT!!!!!!!!! I will be moved out BEFORE the lease is up. I will clean up after MYSELF since lil miss drama only does what is beneficial to her, I will do the same and let her have a taste of her own medicine. I have been graceful during all of this. But, I've decided to let the last blow be the knock out and call it quits. I'll clean my stuff and give them the money for my last month of utilities, but I aint helping more than that. I AM DONE.
Take care of yourselves when the time is right.
Love, A Scizophrenic
This roommate has everyting paid for by her parents. Her rent, her schooling, her books, her gas, her hone, her food, any and all bills are paid for by her parents. Any drama she creates she calls her mom and acts pitiful an her mom actually deals with it. Her mom has called our band director and tried to drag him in on her drama. This girl has unfriended her best friend (she still wants this girl to move in so that she doesn't have to fill more than 2 spots in the house) because SHE made her friend cry. She made her friend cry, didn't know how to deal with it, and refused to talk to her for a month. Everyone knows the friend didn't deserve that.
So NOW everyone else in the house is moving out leaving my roommate ad her mommy to solve the problem and pay for everything themselves because mommy doesn't want her to move because it isn't "safe." THEN she asked me to stay a couple days on an extended lease to help clean.....
ABSOLUTELY NOOOOOOT!!!!!!!!! I will be moved out BEFORE the lease is up. I will clean up after MYSELF since lil miss drama only does what is beneficial to her, I will do the same and let her have a taste of her own medicine. I have been graceful during all of this. But, I've decided to let the last blow be the knock out and call it quits. I'll clean my stuff and give them the money for my last month of utilities, but I aint helping more than that. I AM DONE.
Take care of yourselves when the time is right.
Love, A Scizophrenic
Saturday, April 13, 2019
ups and downs
Today was a day. I went to a park and walked. I climbed on some rocks and took pictures. Then I went with my friend to the old woolen mill to get some coffee and climb on more things and take more pictures. The adventure ended with dinner with 2 friends and a walk around campus. It was chill. I will probably stay home tomorrow because I need to save my gas and money... because I am going to surprise my dad in NC this weekend! He has like 0 idea. Its gonna be great. My step mom said she's get us a hotel to stay in, but that kinda worries me. Like, what if she decides not to and tells us not to come? What if its on the other side of the mountain and it cost a lot of gas to go back and forth? I only have so much money. I suggested my friend and I just stay in the basement of the church, but she insisted. I didn't want to cost anyone anything. I just wanted to visit.
I worry a lot. How much in life is purely good? Like, have you ever had a bunch of good things happen in a row in your life? Then you brace for impact because everything that goes up must come down. Like....whats finna happen? What is God cushioning the blow from? OR maybe he really is just blessing me. IDK
More things to come.
Also, had a birthday recently. I don't feel as old as I am, and according to others I look a lot younger so thats nice.
Anyway, take care of yourselves and be kind.
Love, A Schizophrenic.
I worry a lot. How much in life is purely good? Like, have you ever had a bunch of good things happen in a row in your life? Then you brace for impact because everything that goes up must come down. Like....whats finna happen? What is God cushioning the blow from? OR maybe he really is just blessing me. IDK
More things to come.
Also, had a birthday recently. I don't feel as old as I am, and according to others I look a lot younger so thats nice.
Anyway, take care of yourselves and be kind.
Love, A Schizophrenic.
Friday, April 12, 2019
Burnt out
I hate going so long without posting. I just get tired from work and want to do absolutely nothing when I get home. Speaking of work, I asked my boss for a raise. He talked to his boss and she agreed to give me one! They also have me studying for a promotion which comes with another raise!
I have managed to find a place to live...as are all of my other housemates. One was already planning on moving, the girl who was going to take my spot decided not to, and the other girl (the one that kicked me out) couldn't find anyone to take the spots. Then, the other housemate decided to find somewhere else. How the tables have turned.
I found a place with some friends who were kind enough to help me put the decals on my JEEP! I named it Indominus Jeep. If you have ever seen Jurassic Park or Jurassic World than you will understand. Since I don't have to have a security deposit for where I am going, I can surprise my dad for Easter weekend. He has 0 idea. My step mom, siblings, best friends, and aunt all know. This is a surprise for him and I can't wait! Its been so long since I've been able to go home for Easter.
I had my audition. It went better than I thought it would, but not as great as I had hoped. I haven't heard anything back yet though.
I have got so burned out on my job, but it looks like things will be a bit different now. I am glad that I have the weekend off this week to recuperate. I only work 4 days next week so that is nice too. I just got to where I was so irritable and moody at work. I'd get upset with others for no reason and I hate when I, like that. They don't deserve that. They are good people. I have to remind myself of that constantly.
We may not realize how important our days of rest are sometimes. Sometimes all you need is a couple consecutive days to raise morale. Maybe Monday will be better.
Take care of yourselves and be kind to each other.
Love, A Schizophrenic
Tuesday, April 2, 2019
better now
I had a bit of a mental break down last week. It was rough and I felt like the whole world was caving in on me. I am doing better now and have been working to make things work. Thanks to a couple friends, I have an apartment to go to after my lease ends in this one. I've also began making money by delivering through door dash. The company that helped finance my jeep has lowered my payments which is REALLY nice! I was brave today and asked my boss what I could do to earn a raise at work. He said he will talk to his boss and see what they can work out, but he also wants to promote me to a trainer which will also help get me a raise.
A friend of mine really helped me when she gave me some money to help find a place to live. I'm pretty sure I'll be able to make the trip back home to NC to surprise my dad for Easter weekend. I also have my audition for my master's this weekend. I've been practicing and praying.
It is okay to have a breakdown. I think it is even okay to stay down and not be okay for a little bit. Then, you get back up and try some more.
Take care of yourselves.
Love, A Schizophrenic
A friend of mine really helped me when she gave me some money to help find a place to live. I'm pretty sure I'll be able to make the trip back home to NC to surprise my dad for Easter weekend. I also have my audition for my master's this weekend. I've been practicing and praying.
It is okay to have a breakdown. I think it is even okay to stay down and not be okay for a little bit. Then, you get back up and try some more.
Take care of yourselves.
Love, A Schizophrenic
Wednesday, March 27, 2019
You'll never be anything
If there is anything the past month has taught me, it is that I am an idiot. I am so stupid to ever thing that anything would ever work out for me. Why didn't I listen? Because I AM FUCKING RETARDED! I always mess everything up and am sooooo stupid!
I forced God's hand when I bought the jeep. Now it needs work and I can't afford it. I fooled myself into thinking that because I prayed over this not so smart thing, that it would be okay. I convinced myself that because I prayed for God to be in it that it would be okay. I prayed and blessed the house I am living in and my roommates and how I have to leave. I was so stupid to think that good things could ever go be for me. I forced God's hand in going to college and in graduating. I got the degree I shouldn't have got and did I use it? NO! Because I thought there was something better out there for me. Why? Because I am an idiot! I should have just settled to teach. I would have been unhappy, but at least I could afford a place to live, but nooooooo! I just had to think I could do something amazing and earn a masters. I probably won't even get accepted. BECAUSE I AM AN IDIOT!!!!! I should have killed myself a looooong time ago..oh wait! I tried! But guess what? I failed because I am so stupid!
Having a decent and affordable place to live is too much for me. Why would I ever think something like that could ever happen to me? Why would I ever think that I could be able to afford to do laundry or pay my own bills? Why did I ever think I'd have a nice car and everything would be okay? Why did I think people wanted to be my friend? Because I am an idiot!
What ever
A Schizophrenic
I forced God's hand when I bought the jeep. Now it needs work and I can't afford it. I fooled myself into thinking that because I prayed over this not so smart thing, that it would be okay. I convinced myself that because I prayed for God to be in it that it would be okay. I prayed and blessed the house I am living in and my roommates and how I have to leave. I was so stupid to think that good things could ever go be for me. I forced God's hand in going to college and in graduating. I got the degree I shouldn't have got and did I use it? NO! Because I thought there was something better out there for me. Why? Because I am an idiot! I should have just settled to teach. I would have been unhappy, but at least I could afford a place to live, but nooooooo! I just had to think I could do something amazing and earn a masters. I probably won't even get accepted. BECAUSE I AM AN IDIOT!!!!! I should have killed myself a looooong time ago..oh wait! I tried! But guess what? I failed because I am so stupid!
Having a decent and affordable place to live is too much for me. Why would I ever think something like that could ever happen to me? Why would I ever think that I could be able to afford to do laundry or pay my own bills? Why did I ever think I'd have a nice car and everything would be okay? Why did I think people wanted to be my friend? Because I am an idiot!
What ever
A Schizophrenic
Friday, March 15, 2019
Independence is weird
I haven't posted anything in a couple weeks. To catch up, I finally got contracted through VIPKID. I haven't taught a class yet, but I will get there. My hours have picked back up at work which is great because..........
..........
.........
........
I BOUGHT A JEEP WRANGLER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It was a total God thing in so many ways. He provided financially and just had perfect timing with things. He answered prayers in multiple ways and I cannot thank him enough. Now, if I need to go some where I can. I have to remind myself I do not need to ask for a ride. I can go when ever I want. It feels kinda weird.
The bad news, my roomie told me I have negative energy and wants me to move out at the end of the lease....which her name isn't even on. Something about her parents don't think I'm healthy to live with. She refuses to talk about it. The other roommate is too much of a follower to say anything. When I asked them what it was I had done, she 1 just said "You have a negative energy. I have to do whats best for me." I really could say a lot about her, but I don't want to be that person right now. All I know is she really can't make me move. Thats the landlord's decision. Not hers. I'm trying to be civil, but another friend asked how much the roommate has done to fix the problem. They, once again, refused to talk about it. What ever.
Take care of yourselves and help each other. Learn from one another, fix problems, and build each other up.
Love, A Schizophrenic
..........
.........
........
I BOUGHT A JEEP WRANGLER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It was a total God thing in so many ways. He provided financially and just had perfect timing with things. He answered prayers in multiple ways and I cannot thank him enough. Now, if I need to go some where I can. I have to remind myself I do not need to ask for a ride. I can go when ever I want. It feels kinda weird.
The bad news, my roomie told me I have negative energy and wants me to move out at the end of the lease....which her name isn't even on. Something about her parents don't think I'm healthy to live with. She refuses to talk about it. The other roommate is too much of a follower to say anything. When I asked them what it was I had done, she 1 just said "You have a negative energy. I have to do whats best for me." I really could say a lot about her, but I don't want to be that person right now. All I know is she really can't make me move. Thats the landlord's decision. Not hers. I'm trying to be civil, but another friend asked how much the roommate has done to fix the problem. They, once again, refused to talk about it. What ever.
Take care of yourselves and help each other. Learn from one another, fix problems, and build each other up.
Love, A Schizophrenic
Sunday, March 3, 2019
What hollywood doesn't tell you
I was diagnosed with schizophrenia at age 17. Before that and since then I have had more psych ward stays than I can count. Each stay is terrifying for its own reason.
The first few are obviously frightening because it is something new and at this point you probably still don't believe that anything is wrong with you. You go to the ER. They check you in and get a psych consult from an on call doctor making rounds to 4 or 5 other counties before getting to you. Once that's over they either send you home or find a room for you somewhere. The next part of the process was a little different for me in some ways the 1st time I was admitted because I was a minor at the time. Once they find a bed( this may take weeks) you get a room. They run you through their security. No jewelry, shoe laces, underwire bras, shorts with drawstrings, and no electronic devices. Once your in you get a nice set of paper scrubs to last you until whoever can bring you clothes and hygiene items.
While you're there they walk you around and show you everything. They explain all the rules. Yes, padded rooms exist and Thorazine is still a thing. I would know. You are taken to your room and shown where you can put you things. Sometimes you have your own room and other times you do not. They give you a copy of the daily schedule and your doctors' names. You do one on one therapy and see a psychiatrist. The wards also have social workers come in especially if you are a minor. There is usually at least 1 phone and multiple opportunities to use it throughout the day. Televisions, books,and games are commonly available as well.
Okay.....why am I telling you all this? Many people refuse to get help because they're afraid they will get carted of and locked away forever. That isn't how things work. Most of these places keep you no longer than a couple weeks, but more are out in a week or less. State mental institutions are different stories that I can write about later. I know all of this sounds terrifying, but understand these places are there to help you! I was to afraid to sleep the 1st time I was in a youth ward. I was experiencing hallucinations....bad ones. The doctor told me to write down anytime a voice told me to hurt someone or myself. I told him that I cannot write that fast. He helped me come up with ways to deal with it until the medication took affect. I went to lie back down. A couple hours later I was hearing things coming from my bathroom and seeing things. I thought someone was hiding in my shower. I quickly got up and walked out the door. I made my way to the nurses station. They asked me what was wrong and I told them that someone was in my room. The security guard immediately went to check it out while the nurse gave me water and some crackers. They legitimately wanted to help me. I've had other incidents as well in adult wards.
I write all of this to tell you that you don't need to be afraid to get help. I wish I had someone to walk me through the process when it first happened to me. It is a long process, but usually a helpful one. If you think you or someone you know needs help do not be afraid of being "locked away." Most places genuinely want to help you.
Take care of your selves and each other.
Love, A Schizophrenic
The first few are obviously frightening because it is something new and at this point you probably still don't believe that anything is wrong with you. You go to the ER. They check you in and get a psych consult from an on call doctor making rounds to 4 or 5 other counties before getting to you. Once that's over they either send you home or find a room for you somewhere. The next part of the process was a little different for me in some ways the 1st time I was admitted because I was a minor at the time. Once they find a bed( this may take weeks) you get a room. They run you through their security. No jewelry, shoe laces, underwire bras, shorts with drawstrings, and no electronic devices. Once your in you get a nice set of paper scrubs to last you until whoever can bring you clothes and hygiene items.
While you're there they walk you around and show you everything. They explain all the rules. Yes, padded rooms exist and Thorazine is still a thing. I would know. You are taken to your room and shown where you can put you things. Sometimes you have your own room and other times you do not. They give you a copy of the daily schedule and your doctors' names. You do one on one therapy and see a psychiatrist. The wards also have social workers come in especially if you are a minor. There is usually at least 1 phone and multiple opportunities to use it throughout the day. Televisions, books,and games are commonly available as well.
Okay.....why am I telling you all this? Many people refuse to get help because they're afraid they will get carted of and locked away forever. That isn't how things work. Most of these places keep you no longer than a couple weeks, but more are out in a week or less. State mental institutions are different stories that I can write about later. I know all of this sounds terrifying, but understand these places are there to help you! I was to afraid to sleep the 1st time I was in a youth ward. I was experiencing hallucinations....bad ones. The doctor told me to write down anytime a voice told me to hurt someone or myself. I told him that I cannot write that fast. He helped me come up with ways to deal with it until the medication took affect. I went to lie back down. A couple hours later I was hearing things coming from my bathroom and seeing things. I thought someone was hiding in my shower. I quickly got up and walked out the door. I made my way to the nurses station. They asked me what was wrong and I told them that someone was in my room. The security guard immediately went to check it out while the nurse gave me water and some crackers. They legitimately wanted to help me. I've had other incidents as well in adult wards.
I write all of this to tell you that you don't need to be afraid to get help. I wish I had someone to walk me through the process when it first happened to me. It is a long process, but usually a helpful one. If you think you or someone you know needs help do not be afraid of being "locked away." Most places genuinely want to help you.
Take care of your selves and each other.
Love, A Schizophrenic
Sunday, February 24, 2019
They aren't gonna lock you away
Many of us know people who are afraid to get help with their mental health. It was frightening for me at 1st too. I've recently had several conversations with multiple people regarding their fears of visiting a psychologist. Many are afraid that they will be carted off and locked away. They think that they are so beyond help that someone would rather throw them in a pit than speak to them an hour a week.This cannot be further from the truth. I wanted to shed some light on the process and hopefully settle some fears for a few folks. Let me tell you about my experience with getting help the 1st time.
I was about 12 years old. Some rough things had happened in my family and a friend of my brother had try o do things to me that no one should do to a child...or anyone else for that matter. My father did the best he knew to do. Over the next couple weeks he started taking me to see a therapist. I've seen a therapist pretty much every week since then. I've had different ones because my family moved around quite a bit. Never have any of them told me I was too gone to help. Usually on the first day, you do some simple intake forms. These forms have basic questions that help the psychologist learn more about you so they can help more. The forms ask questions about your mood, any diagnosis you may have, and about your thoughts of yourself. Then you go and speak to your psychiatrist. If you are a minor, they may speak with you and your guardian or just your guardian 1st. After a couple weeks the "get to know you" stuff is pretty much out of the way and you are really able to start talking more by then. Your psychiatrist will help you figure out ways to cope with things. Self harm is a big thing I struggle with and it took a long time for my psychologist and I to figure out strategies. Several times I walked into the office with slices and bruises up my arms. My therapist never once "locked me away." She did ask me if I needed to go to a hospital and when I said "no" she asked me to sign a paper promising I wouldn't harm myself any worse within the next week. There were times when I broke down and said "yes." My therapist said "okay" then called the front desk to have them escort my father to the room. From there we were able to work out a way for me to get more help. I have had more than my fair share of time in psych wards as well. A friend of my recently attempted to "run away" because they found out their family was considering taking them to a hospital to get help.
For many of us, that is how the story starts. One day you think everyone around you has lost their minds and the next day you find yourself wearing non slip socks and talking in group therapy. Some people ask me if the wards really are like the movies. That's an understandable question. How is one to know if they've never been? I begin by explaining there are a few different types of wards. There are youth psych wards for people under the age of 18. I've been to several of them. 1st, there is a physical exam. They mark down every scar, bruise, burn, and scratch. They take your shoes (you can strangle yourself with the laces.) Some make you remove the underwire of your bra. You can do some deep stabbing with those things. You remove all piercings and jewelry and even the draw string of your pjs. All these things are placed in a bag for you that you get back at the end of your stay. Your days are scheduled out on a white board in a common room. Breakfast is usually around 7 or 8 am followed by medicine time. There is usually free time after that. Most people use this time to shower or get dressed. Normal day clothes are usually allowed. You have to check out a razor to shave and return later. Then there is some form of group time. Some places would also have school time and teachers would come in to help. Most places like this have lost funding and are being shut down. You may have a snack time later followed by more medicine time. There are puzzles, books, a tv, and sometimes video games or something to keep people occupied. Some places do outside time. You have to o through security to get in or out so its more of a hassle than its worth sometimes. There are adult wards too. These both usually have patients stay for no more than a week on a voluntary bases. When you leave they help you find a psychiatrist.
Then there are the long term hospitals. If you're from NC like I am then you may have heard of Broughton State Mental Institution. These are more long term places, but the basic idea is the same. Doctors usually do want to help.
Take are of yourselves. Get help if you need it.
Love, A Schizophenic
I was about 12 years old. Some rough things had happened in my family and a friend of my brother had try o do things to me that no one should do to a child...or anyone else for that matter. My father did the best he knew to do. Over the next couple weeks he started taking me to see a therapist. I've seen a therapist pretty much every week since then. I've had different ones because my family moved around quite a bit. Never have any of them told me I was too gone to help. Usually on the first day, you do some simple intake forms. These forms have basic questions that help the psychologist learn more about you so they can help more. The forms ask questions about your mood, any diagnosis you may have, and about your thoughts of yourself. Then you go and speak to your psychiatrist. If you are a minor, they may speak with you and your guardian or just your guardian 1st. After a couple weeks the "get to know you" stuff is pretty much out of the way and you are really able to start talking more by then. Your psychiatrist will help you figure out ways to cope with things. Self harm is a big thing I struggle with and it took a long time for my psychologist and I to figure out strategies. Several times I walked into the office with slices and bruises up my arms. My therapist never once "locked me away." She did ask me if I needed to go to a hospital and when I said "no" she asked me to sign a paper promising I wouldn't harm myself any worse within the next week. There were times when I broke down and said "yes." My therapist said "okay" then called the front desk to have them escort my father to the room. From there we were able to work out a way for me to get more help. I have had more than my fair share of time in psych wards as well. A friend of my recently attempted to "run away" because they found out their family was considering taking them to a hospital to get help.
For many of us, that is how the story starts. One day you think everyone around you has lost their minds and the next day you find yourself wearing non slip socks and talking in group therapy. Some people ask me if the wards really are like the movies. That's an understandable question. How is one to know if they've never been? I begin by explaining there are a few different types of wards. There are youth psych wards for people under the age of 18. I've been to several of them. 1st, there is a physical exam. They mark down every scar, bruise, burn, and scratch. They take your shoes (you can strangle yourself with the laces.) Some make you remove the underwire of your bra. You can do some deep stabbing with those things. You remove all piercings and jewelry and even the draw string of your pjs. All these things are placed in a bag for you that you get back at the end of your stay. Your days are scheduled out on a white board in a common room. Breakfast is usually around 7 or 8 am followed by medicine time. There is usually free time after that. Most people use this time to shower or get dressed. Normal day clothes are usually allowed. You have to check out a razor to shave and return later. Then there is some form of group time. Some places would also have school time and teachers would come in to help. Most places like this have lost funding and are being shut down. You may have a snack time later followed by more medicine time. There are puzzles, books, a tv, and sometimes video games or something to keep people occupied. Some places do outside time. You have to o through security to get in or out so its more of a hassle than its worth sometimes. There are adult wards too. These both usually have patients stay for no more than a week on a voluntary bases. When you leave they help you find a psychiatrist.
Then there are the long term hospitals. If you're from NC like I am then you may have heard of Broughton State Mental Institution. These are more long term places, but the basic idea is the same. Doctors usually do want to help.
Take are of yourselves. Get help if you need it.
Love, A Schizophenic
ways to avoid self harm
I realize lately I have been posting more about myself and less about things that deal with mental health/ schizophrenia. I wanted to post about self harm again because I think it is big issue many people in society face today.
Many things can trigger self harm, command hallucinations, or thoughts of suicide. Some people are especially subject to severe mood changes due to certain brain disorders. You know this if you are living with bipolar disorder, major depressive disorder, or any of the schizoid disorders. There are several others as well. Weather conditions, lack of sunlight, little or too much human interaction can also be factors that lead someone's mind to self harm/ suicidal thoughts. Some even have command hallucinations that tell them to do things they may not want to do....or if your kinda bad off, you may not know you don't wan to do those things until its too late. So...how can we tell if we're at a place where these may be thoughts popping into someone else's mind? What do we do if that person is ourselves?
Really you can never really know what is going on in someones mind unless they tell you. Sometimes, they will not tell you verbally. It may be in small actions here or there. Look for the person not eating, not showering, or forcing themselves to vomit even. All of those are forms of self harm. It isn't just hitting yourself or cutting yourself. If that's you then you need to get help. Find someone you trust and let them help you. You aren't going to be carted off and locked away for ever. You can go see a therapist without being institutionalized. The therapist can help you deal with the symptom (self harm) and try and find a cause in the mean time. It may be that life is rough, it may be depression and you may have to go to a psychiatrist for medical help. Once again, they aren't going to cart you off unless they deem you a danger to yourself or others. Even then you'll go to a ward and stay a week and then go home. I can write about this later.
What I do when I feel myself slipping to that place again? I treat the symptom until I can identify and correct the cause. I go outside, I play saxophone, paint, play video games, watch a movie, play sports, calla friend. Do something to keep your mind going in a positive direction until you can identify and treat the cause.
Please, tell someone if you or someone you know may be dealing with self harm or thoughts of suicide.
Take care of yourselves and take care of each other.
Love, A Schizophrenic.
Many things can trigger self harm, command hallucinations, or thoughts of suicide. Some people are especially subject to severe mood changes due to certain brain disorders. You know this if you are living with bipolar disorder, major depressive disorder, or any of the schizoid disorders. There are several others as well. Weather conditions, lack of sunlight, little or too much human interaction can also be factors that lead someone's mind to self harm/ suicidal thoughts. Some even have command hallucinations that tell them to do things they may not want to do....or if your kinda bad off, you may not know you don't wan to do those things until its too late. So...how can we tell if we're at a place where these may be thoughts popping into someone else's mind? What do we do if that person is ourselves?
Really you can never really know what is going on in someones mind unless they tell you. Sometimes, they will not tell you verbally. It may be in small actions here or there. Look for the person not eating, not showering, or forcing themselves to vomit even. All of those are forms of self harm. It isn't just hitting yourself or cutting yourself. If that's you then you need to get help. Find someone you trust and let them help you. You aren't going to be carted off and locked away for ever. You can go see a therapist without being institutionalized. The therapist can help you deal with the symptom (self harm) and try and find a cause in the mean time. It may be that life is rough, it may be depression and you may have to go to a psychiatrist for medical help. Once again, they aren't going to cart you off unless they deem you a danger to yourself or others. Even then you'll go to a ward and stay a week and then go home. I can write about this later.
What I do when I feel myself slipping to that place again? I treat the symptom until I can identify and correct the cause. I go outside, I play saxophone, paint, play video games, watch a movie, play sports, calla friend. Do something to keep your mind going in a positive direction until you can identify and treat the cause.
Please, tell someone if you or someone you know may be dealing with self harm or thoughts of suicide.
Take care of yourselves and take care of each other.
Love, A Schizophrenic.
I Passed!
I passed my mock class last night! No wall I have to do is submit background check things(done that) and finish my teacher profile (in progress.) I am so happy and excited. Its gonna make things easier as far as money goes.
The other thing I really want to get worked out soon is a car. There is nice jeep that I am looking at but everyone seems to be against me getting a jeep. I know they can be pricey and have some problems, but I love em and want one so bad!I really hope financing for it goes well especially now that it may be easier to pay for with the vipkid bookings.
I'm still waiting for the mighty to publish my stories and I am still practicing to make sure I get accepted for a masters. We'll see how all this goes.
Take care of yourselves.
Love, A Schizophrenic.
The other thing I really want to get worked out soon is a car. There is nice jeep that I am looking at but everyone seems to be against me getting a jeep. I know they can be pricey and have some problems, but I love em and want one so bad!I really hope financing for it goes well especially now that it may be easier to pay for with the vipkid bookings.
I'm still waiting for the mighty to publish my stories and I am still practicing to make sure I get accepted for a masters. We'll see how all this goes.
Take care of yourselves.
Love, A Schizophrenic.
Today I had ANOTHER mock class. It seemed to go better than any of the others so I hope they contract me. I need some more money. Also, a student of mine cancelled their lesson yesterday, but paid me anyway so that was nice. I've also sold 3 painting this past week. Also nice. Now I need to sale some more. I do want to share story though. This happened earlier today.
So, I'm on my way back from practicing and it starts raining. I have a bright yellow umbrella that my school gave me when I graduated and I laid it over my shoulder so it could keep my saxophone case dry. Thats really whats important. I get behind one of the older buildings on the edge of campus as I am making my way home and I see the creek near by rising. I think nothing of it at first. Then I get closer. I have to cross over a small bridge to get to where I live and there is this guy standing underneath. Well, he is really crouching because its really small. He is standing there with a fishing rod while water is rushing by him. I asked him if he was catchin much. He laughed and said no. Said that he was just tying to catch all the fucks he ran out of today. lol How long had he been waiting there for someone to pass by?
Anyway,stay safe out there. That waters getting high.
Take care of yourselves and work hard.
Love, A Schizophrenic.
So, I'm on my way back from practicing and it starts raining. I have a bright yellow umbrella that my school gave me when I graduated and I laid it over my shoulder so it could keep my saxophone case dry. Thats really whats important. I get behind one of the older buildings on the edge of campus as I am making my way home and I see the creek near by rising. I think nothing of it at first. Then I get closer. I have to cross over a small bridge to get to where I live and there is this guy standing underneath. Well, he is really crouching because its really small. He is standing there with a fishing rod while water is rushing by him. I asked him if he was catchin much. He laughed and said no. Said that he was just tying to catch all the fucks he ran out of today. lol How long had he been waiting there for someone to pass by?
Anyway,stay safe out there. That waters getting high.
Take care of yourselves and work hard.
Love, A Schizophrenic.
Saturday, February 23, 2019
Saxophone
So I am a saxophonist and I give lessons to help pay my way in life. I have a student now who is challenging. Like most students at that age, they do not put in much effort, but still think they are the coolest thing since Betty White. This student has a problem with trying to talk waaaay too much on lessons. They also still haven't quite figured out who's the student and who isn't. Last lesson I had to get pretty firm with the student. I have another lesson later today with the student. We'll see how it goes.
I also am preparing for my own audition. Its getting super close and I fear I am not ready. I am practicing the best I can, but there is just so much to have down in sooooo little time. I am also still trying to save for a car and I luckily have a teacher and some friends helping me understand how the process works. Like, I didn't even know I was supposed to have insurance before I could buy a vehicle with financing. I've never one this before. I now to check the oil, coolant, and other fluids. I know to test drive and ask to see mechanical reports and repairs for when the vehicle was brought into the dealership. I've already checked the carfax on the vehicle and am fairly impressed with how well the previous owners maintained the thing.
Take care of yourselves
Love, A Schizophenic.
I also am preparing for my own audition. Its getting super close and I fear I am not ready. I am practicing the best I can, but there is just so much to have down in sooooo little time. I am also still trying to save for a car and I luckily have a teacher and some friends helping me understand how the process works. Like, I didn't even know I was supposed to have insurance before I could buy a vehicle with financing. I've never one this before. I now to check the oil, coolant, and other fluids. I know to test drive and ask to see mechanical reports and repairs for when the vehicle was brought into the dealership. I've already checked the carfax on the vehicle and am fairly impressed with how well the previous owners maintained the thing.
Take care of yourselves
Love, A Schizophenic.
Thursday, February 21, 2019
jeep
I am working so hard to save for a jeep. I contacted a dealership yesterday in hopes of them having the 1 i've been looking at for so long. The person said they have a selection of the wranglers available. I'm trying to make my way down there next week when I am not working. I want one sooooooooooooooooooooo bad!
Tonight at work was pretty good. There were frustrating things, but the people I worked with today are fun and good at their jobs. We did have a customer hang out in our drive through for 13:30 minutes. They changed there order after it was made several times and yelled at some other workers. They were straight up rude.
Tomorrow and all weekend I am going to practice up a storm getting ready for my audition. I am so nervous. I have nothing ready yet.
Live a good life. Go for what you want even if it is frightening.
Take care of yourselves
Love, A Schizophrenic.
Tonight at work was pretty good. There were frustrating things, but the people I worked with today are fun and good at their jobs. We did have a customer hang out in our drive through for 13:30 minutes. They changed there order after it was made several times and yelled at some other workers. They were straight up rude.
Tomorrow and all weekend I am going to practice up a storm getting ready for my audition. I am so nervous. I have nothing ready yet.
Live a good life. Go for what you want even if it is frightening.
Take care of yourselves
Love, A Schizophrenic.
Wednesday, February 20, 2019
postponed, published, and pissed
I got some good news yesterday. Another one of my stories will be published by The Mighty soon. The 1st one isn't out yet, but is on its way. I'm low key excited. It was good news to hear because yesterday I ended up working a 12 hour shift at the ole baco tell with a new employee who I don't really like working with. As a person, they seemed cool. As an employee they were frustrating and kinda douchey. They also ended up running our drive through time up. I get that they haven't worked at a taco bell in a while, but they were taking forever just to ring up 1 order. I know Ima dread the nights when I have to work with them again.
I've been frustrated with VIPKID lately. Some mentors say somethings are good, but others will say those same things aren't so good. Then there is the whole teach an entire lesson in 10 minutes thing that is kinda frustrating. You're supposed to greet and meet the student and build repore with them. Then introduce the lesson and teach it within the next few minutes. You spend more time talking to a mentor than you do actually teaching. Its kinda frustrating and I didn't feel like dealing with that tonight so I just postponed it until Sunday morning when I am off work. I may give up soon. A friend of mine recommended that I try and teach a lower level so I may give that a go if my next mock class doesn't go well.
I bought an ecospin recently because I dont have a washer or dryer. I used it once today and I'm pretty sure it has already broke. I did what the instructions said and the screws started falling out and bending too. I guess it wasn't meant to handle fat people clothes.......2 socks and 2 pairs of panties...........no way on God's green earth does that exceed the weight limit. I'll see if I can fix it, but Idk. I just want clean clothes. Why is that so hard to ask for????
Bonus paragraph about my fabulous self. I'm still looking for a car. This isn't much of a paragraph. I just wanted to state that.
Life is full of ups and downs, disappointments and happy times, frustrations, and other lifey things.
Take care of yourselves.
Love, A Schizophrenic.
I've been frustrated with VIPKID lately. Some mentors say somethings are good, but others will say those same things aren't so good. Then there is the whole teach an entire lesson in 10 minutes thing that is kinda frustrating. You're supposed to greet and meet the student and build repore with them. Then introduce the lesson and teach it within the next few minutes. You spend more time talking to a mentor than you do actually teaching. Its kinda frustrating and I didn't feel like dealing with that tonight so I just postponed it until Sunday morning when I am off work. I may give up soon. A friend of mine recommended that I try and teach a lower level so I may give that a go if my next mock class doesn't go well.
I bought an ecospin recently because I dont have a washer or dryer. I used it once today and I'm pretty sure it has already broke. I did what the instructions said and the screws started falling out and bending too. I guess it wasn't meant to handle fat people clothes.......2 socks and 2 pairs of panties...........no way on God's green earth does that exceed the weight limit. I'll see if I can fix it, but Idk. I just want clean clothes. Why is that so hard to ask for????
Bonus paragraph about my fabulous self. I'm still looking for a car. This isn't much of a paragraph. I just wanted to state that.
Life is full of ups and downs, disappointments and happy times, frustrations, and other lifey things.
Take care of yourselves.
Love, A Schizophrenic.
Tuesday, February 19, 2019
Work drama
Ya know whats dumb? When people's personal lives affect their work lives. That's what is dumb. Who gets caught in the middle of it? Normal, ever day, innocent people. There are some jank things going on at work,I love my job, but some things are kinda beat up. AND I STILL WANT MY HOURS BACK!!! For real. There are people sleepin around and some stupid crap goin down and i'm just there tryna earn a paycheck. I was told 35-40 hours a week....thats what I normally got. I was already questioning how I was going to make things work. Now they cut my hours and I am really starting to wonder. When I was interviewing I remember my manager being all like "We're a family here. We'll take care of ya and get ya what ya need." Well they aint holdn up they end up the deal. They not living up to their words and its f-ing a lot of people over. They too chicken sh to tell an employee they finna get fired. Instead, they give they hours away and wait for the employee to ome begging for they hours. I get that that employee kinda sucks at showing up, but you still gotta tell people. Like, I walk up in there working hard and after a month and a half my hours are gone. Whats next? They gonna fire me too and not tell me?They gonna make me be for my job? I already am begging or my hours back. What more they want now? Like, why can't we all just go to work,work, and not start crap, and then go home? Why do the dummies always go so high up the chain of command? Why did I not see this stuff before? This is dumb.
Y'all, save youselves some stress and avoid drama.
Take care of yourselves.
Love, A Schizophrenic.
Y'all, save youselves some stress and avoid drama.
Take care of yourselves.
Love, A Schizophrenic.
Sunday, February 17, 2019
schizophrenia and drugs
This is a subject that has been popping up lately in my life. Some people think illegal drugs help schizophrenia and others say it causes it. This post is not about prescribed medication. That is a whole different rant in its self.
A friend of mine is undergoing observations because their doctor fears they may have schizophrenia. This friend has been an addict for a while now. This friends significant other says the drugs messed them up and the doctors agree. So, yes, schizophrenia can be caused by drug usage. That is not the only cause though. I have had so many people accuse me of being on drugs because I'm schizophrenic and I've had others say I am schizophrenic because of drugs (legal or illegal.) Then they want to tell me that the medication makes the prognosis worse in the long run.Once again, that's another post for another day.
Just because someone does drugs does not mean they will develop schizophrenia. If anything, they are more likely to develop depression and psychosis. Neither are schizophrenia and both are just 2 symptoms out of the dozens of schizophrenia. Also, if you have psychosis while on the illegal drugs, you still aren't schizophrenic. You're an addict. Just because someone has schizophrenia doesn't mean they are doing drugs either. Not everyone chooses to deal with their problems that way.
Read up on these things and don't be an idiot.
Take care of yourselves
Love, A Schizophrenic
A friend of mine is undergoing observations because their doctor fears they may have schizophrenia. This friend has been an addict for a while now. This friends significant other says the drugs messed them up and the doctors agree. So, yes, schizophrenia can be caused by drug usage. That is not the only cause though. I have had so many people accuse me of being on drugs because I'm schizophrenic and I've had others say I am schizophrenic because of drugs (legal or illegal.) Then they want to tell me that the medication makes the prognosis worse in the long run.Once again, that's another post for another day.
Just because someone does drugs does not mean they will develop schizophrenia. If anything, they are more likely to develop depression and psychosis. Neither are schizophrenia and both are just 2 symptoms out of the dozens of schizophrenia. Also, if you have psychosis while on the illegal drugs, you still aren't schizophrenic. You're an addict. Just because someone has schizophrenia doesn't mean they are doing drugs either. Not everyone chooses to deal with their problems that way.
Read up on these things and don't be an idiot.
Take care of yourselves
Love, A Schizophrenic
Saturday, February 16, 2019
a day
Today was a day to say the least. Work was stressful because I had 2 new people working with me. thats fine when we're slow, but it can really cause some problems when we're in a rush...which was like all day. I was stuck basically training them even though I've only been there a little over a month and am not a team trainer. One person is a few fries short of a happy meal. I had to keep on the person to make sure they were doing what they needed to do and doing it correctly. I felt like I was baby sitting 5 year olds. The more I did the less the managers have to worry about I guess.
THEN MY BOSS BASICALLY ACCUSED ME OF SMOKING MARIJUANA!!! He said I smelled like it. I was so confused. Another manager was there and had to pull him aside later. He sided with me and told him that I don't smoke that stuff. I was like finna voluntarily go take a drug test or something to prove to him that I don't do that kind of stuff.
What has really made things stressful is the financial situation. I spoke to my boss about it. I told him 1 guy had said he was willing to give up a day and he said he'd talk to the guy. He said one thing that happened was the nacho fries didn't have as big of a financial impact on our store as they were hoping. I just hope things start looking up a bit more sometime.
On a good note, I did get to speak to my bother today. It has been a long time since we've talked and I only got to talk for a bit because he called a few minutes I had to leave. He and I laughed and exchanged work stories for a bit. We both ave done similar jobs. He does crawlspace things and I have things like that when I worked for Lee's phys plant. We both tyna keep our heads up and make ends meet.
Take care of your selves and work hard.
Love, A Schizophrenic.
THEN MY BOSS BASICALLY ACCUSED ME OF SMOKING MARIJUANA!!! He said I smelled like it. I was so confused. Another manager was there and had to pull him aside later. He sided with me and told him that I don't smoke that stuff. I was like finna voluntarily go take a drug test or something to prove to him that I don't do that kind of stuff.
What has really made things stressful is the financial situation. I spoke to my boss about it. I told him 1 guy had said he was willing to give up a day and he said he'd talk to the guy. He said one thing that happened was the nacho fries didn't have as big of a financial impact on our store as they were hoping. I just hope things start looking up a bit more sometime.
On a good note, I did get to speak to my bother today. It has been a long time since we've talked and I only got to talk for a bit because he called a few minutes I had to leave. He and I laughed and exchanged work stories for a bit. We both ave done similar jobs. He does crawlspace things and I have things like that when I worked for Lee's phys plant. We both tyna keep our heads up and make ends meet.
Take care of your selves and work hard.
Love, A Schizophrenic.
Friday, February 15, 2019
Hard hits
Well my manager recently took some of my hours at work. I am down to only 32 hours a week at most. Some weeks it is only 30. That combined with the fact that I am still not contracted with VIPKID yet is not helping me financially at all. No one is buying my art anymore and I am not making anything from giving lessons because no one wants them because they are all high school kids who aren't thinking of their future yet.
I'm trying to buy a car. I need to get my saxophone repaired. I have an audition in a month and have no idea how ima pay for school and all these bills without my darn hours!!!! I left a note for my manager, but I have no idea when or if he'll see it. Hopefully it'll get taken care of soon. I can't be getting even more in debt.
Good luck adulting.
Take care of yourselves.
Love, A Schizophrenic.
I'm trying to buy a car. I need to get my saxophone repaired. I have an audition in a month and have no idea how ima pay for school and all these bills without my darn hours!!!! I left a note for my manager, but I have no idea when or if he'll see it. Hopefully it'll get taken care of soon. I can't be getting even more in debt.
Good luck adulting.
Take care of yourselves.
Love, A Schizophrenic.
Thursday, February 14, 2019
valentines Day
The best thing about this day is the 50% off chocolate tomorrow.
My sister and I were talking yesterday an she said that she s hoping her bf will propose today. He didn't. He told her then end goal is marriage, but they want to get to a better place financially 1st. She's gonna go back to school and he's working on his business. I guess its kinda a good thing they're waiting because they live at his mom's place. I just worry about them. She is a Christian and he is not. She knows the scriptures, but is too afraid to be without him. He refuses to go to church with her and doesn't know God. I've seen times where this happens and either the christian will turn from God or the non believer will turn to God. I get that it is her relationship and she has the freedom to choose, but the big sister in me still worries. I pray for them.
On a different note, I have been practicing saxophone a lot the past couple days. I'm trying to get ready for my audition in just a month!!!! I also have another VIPKID mock class at 2:30 in the morning. I had to reschedule for a later hour because I don't leave work until about 1am. They've cut my hours quite a bit this week. I am barely getting over 30 hours. I get they have to keep labor down, but I gotta make rent.
Eat chocolate and take care of yourselves.
Love, A Schizophrenic
My sister and I were talking yesterday an she said that she s hoping her bf will propose today. He didn't. He told her then end goal is marriage, but they want to get to a better place financially 1st. She's gonna go back to school and he's working on his business. I guess its kinda a good thing they're waiting because they live at his mom's place. I just worry about them. She is a Christian and he is not. She knows the scriptures, but is too afraid to be without him. He refuses to go to church with her and doesn't know God. I've seen times where this happens and either the christian will turn from God or the non believer will turn to God. I get that it is her relationship and she has the freedom to choose, but the big sister in me still worries. I pray for them.
On a different note, I have been practicing saxophone a lot the past couple days. I'm trying to get ready for my audition in just a month!!!! I also have another VIPKID mock class at 2:30 in the morning. I had to reschedule for a later hour because I don't leave work until about 1am. They've cut my hours quite a bit this week. I am barely getting over 30 hours. I get they have to keep labor down, but I gotta make rent.
Eat chocolate and take care of yourselves.
Love, A Schizophrenic
Wednesday, February 13, 2019
decisions decisions
I have a lot on my mind. My thoughts are full of questions, doubts, concerns of all realistic and ridiculous types, a teeny tiny amount of hope, and changing expectations. So much is possible. So much is impossible and heart breaking.
I'm working at taco bell and trying to get started with VIPKID. That is my only source of income at the moment which is kinda sad because I am trying to make myself better off financially. I am trying to get a masters, but have to audition 1st. I have lots to practice and perfect. I have lots of things to get ready and only about a month to do so. Then comes the question of how on earth am I going to pay for it? I want to get a good car that is going to last a while, but then there is insurance and monthly payments AND my credit sucks. Then student loans on top of all of that. If I could do well with VIPKID, I think I'd be okay. I'll probably have to work part time while in school, but I hope not. I only want to do school part time and work full time.
I know these are normal adult things. I checked my income compared to others my age in my state. I make about 10,000 less than average which is frustrating. I just want to have decent things and be okay financially. I need to get a higher paying job than taco bell, but I'm probably gonna have to work at least 2 decent paying jobs for a while. I don't know what to do really. God's got it though. I just really have to cut my expenses, be intentional at work and get a raise if possible. I have to work hard to get contracted by VIPKID and try and sale more paintings.
Good luck in adulting everyone!
Take care of youselves.
Love, A Schizophrenic.
I'm working at taco bell and trying to get started with VIPKID. That is my only source of income at the moment which is kinda sad because I am trying to make myself better off financially. I am trying to get a masters, but have to audition 1st. I have lots to practice and perfect. I have lots of things to get ready and only about a month to do so. Then comes the question of how on earth am I going to pay for it? I want to get a good car that is going to last a while, but then there is insurance and monthly payments AND my credit sucks. Then student loans on top of all of that. If I could do well with VIPKID, I think I'd be okay. I'll probably have to work part time while in school, but I hope not. I only want to do school part time and work full time.
I know these are normal adult things. I checked my income compared to others my age in my state. I make about 10,000 less than average which is frustrating. I just want to have decent things and be okay financially. I need to get a higher paying job than taco bell, but I'm probably gonna have to work at least 2 decent paying jobs for a while. I don't know what to do really. God's got it though. I just really have to cut my expenses, be intentional at work and get a raise if possible. I have to work hard to get contracted by VIPKID and try and sale more paintings.
Good luck in adulting everyone!
Take care of youselves.
Love, A Schizophrenic.
Monday, February 11, 2019
going places
Today, I woke up to a slightly exciting / terrible terrifying email from Lee University. I sent in an application for a master's in music performance on saxophone maybe a few weeks ago. Today's email was notifying me of my audition date. I think I have enough music to audition with, but not enough time to get it ready. I don't have originals for any of these pieces because my teacher allowed me to borrow her copies because I am poor. I also do not have the accompaniment for any of the pieces because I gave all of those to my old accompanist. I'm a mess really. What if I am not good enough? What if I am? Where will the money and time come from? AH!
Also, I am doing a 3rd mock class with VIPKID come Friday morning. I hope I don't screw it up again. I really need to get to work on making extra money.
Life is full of terrifyingly awesome opportunities. My brain is a mess.
I'll give myself the same advice, I'd give someone else. Success lies on the other side of fear.
Take care of yourselves.
Love, A Schizophrenic
Also, I am doing a 3rd mock class with VIPKID come Friday morning. I hope I don't screw it up again. I really need to get to work on making extra money.
Life is full of terrifyingly awesome opportunities. My brain is a mess.
I'll give myself the same advice, I'd give someone else. Success lies on the other side of fear.
Take care of yourselves.
Love, A Schizophrenic
Saturday, February 9, 2019
Mock Class number 2
I just finished my 2nd mock class for VIPKID. I think I did worse in this one than I did in the 1st, but that's okay. I'll just try again. I really need this to work. Also, the frame around the screen of my laptop is starting to pop off and it obstructed the view of my camera. It popped literally like 3 seconds before the class started. That would be my luck.
Also,I filed my taxes the other day. The refund honestly wasn't what I expected.There are credits and things that they aren't doing this year that they did last year, but I am still thankful for the amount I am getting back. It will go towards the down payment of getting me a car. I honestly don't know how I am going to make this stuff work. I can't teach kids one sentence correctly, I don't know where money for the car payments will come from, I don't know that I can even get a loan because my credit is shot, and what would I do if the thing broke? Then there is insurance...I guess by trying to think through everything, I may be overthinking and stressing myself out. While I'm at it, why hasn't Lee contacted me about my grad school application? UGH! SO many stressful things.
Keep trying things.
Take care of yourselves and stay as positive as possible.
Love, A Schizophrenic.
Also,I filed my taxes the other day. The refund honestly wasn't what I expected.There are credits and things that they aren't doing this year that they did last year, but I am still thankful for the amount I am getting back. It will go towards the down payment of getting me a car. I honestly don't know how I am going to make this stuff work. I can't teach kids one sentence correctly, I don't know where money for the car payments will come from, I don't know that I can even get a loan because my credit is shot, and what would I do if the thing broke? Then there is insurance...I guess by trying to think through everything, I may be overthinking and stressing myself out. While I'm at it, why hasn't Lee contacted me about my grad school application? UGH! SO many stressful things.
Keep trying things.
Take care of yourselves and stay as positive as possible.
Love, A Schizophrenic.
Remembering when
I remember when I was first diagnosed about 9 years ago. I had so many questions, worries, and misunderstandings. I had been hospitalized a couple times before being diagnosed with schizophrenia and I was embarrassed. I was angry and ashamed that I had put my family through so much trouble and they had to deal with all the problems I created. I began doing research and tried to find more people like me. Soon, I began to open up to my friends about what was going on. Most of them were okay with everything and treated me how they always had. A couple were different stories.
I remember two people in particular who distanced themselves from me after I told them about my diagnosis. We were in high school and 1 went to the extreme of requesting a schedule change. I tried explaining that I am still the same person, but she looked at me as if I were a murderer. She refused to have anything to do with me. I left her alone and focused on the people that stayed with me through the difficulties. They were my true friends.
Not long afterwards, I got accepted into Lee University. Its a lovely school with amazing people, caring professors, and students who display unbelievable amounts friendship. I began working on my music education degree in 2011. I still had to see doctors and therapist, I had to get all of my prescriptions, and learn to take care of myself. My security net had been disrupted due to distance. I was now about five hours away from everyone I knew. Eventually, I had to leave for a year due to financial problems and mental health problems that placed me in hospital after hospital after hospital. I made it back to Lee and all my new friends, and made it to a new doctor. This doctor helped me to realize some things. My memory was beginning to get bad. Some days I couldn't remember anything. I didn't know what day it was, where I was going, what I was doing, and at times I even lost my name. Friends began to slip my mind. I would forget about events and concerts. Really the only time I could remember anything was when I was playing my saxophone.
Finally, I got some new medication to help me. I developed techniques to help myself remember and to catch myself if I suddenly forgot where I was going. Most people would have quit school at this point, but Lee was so amazing and I didn't want to leave my friends. I found ways to take care of myself. Once again, my memory began to slip. I lost things. Important things like my wallet, keys, saxophone, and phone. All turned up, but I knew something was wrong. My doctor rearranged my medication....again. He also told me to take pictures of things and people. He said that schizophrenia is a disorder that, over time, gets worse. These memory issues of mine could eventually cause me to forget everything and everyone I once knew and loved.
Now, my friends sometimes call me the selfie queen. I take pictures with my friends all the time and for really no special occasions. Once, on tour with the symphonic band at Lee, I took pictures of my friends in the truck with me. One friend said "You take too many pictures." I laughed it off, but later explained to him why I do that. I told him that one day I may not remember his name, who he was, or why we were together in the picture. I will, however, be able to look at the picture and know that he was a friend. He was apart of something that made me happy. I explained all that my doctor had said and he immediately began to tear up. I said again, I may not always remember you, but I can look at the picture and know we were friends and that we were happy.
Doctors can sometimes be wrong about these things. It has been a long time since I have had a major memory problem and I managed to get my degree. I still take pictures and I still remember all of my friends. Take time to remember.
Love, A Schizophrenic.
Friday, February 8, 2019
Things that happen because you're fat
I started working at taco bell about a month ago. As an employee, I get a percentage off 1 meal during my shift when ever we aren't being ran over by a rush. Ever since my employment, I find that my jeans are mysteriously shrinking...I need to not eat the food every day. I've also began going on daily walks before work. Today, my roomie came with me and we found something pretty cool.
We walked away from town and went down a road I didn't even realize existed. It goes though some woods and is lined by thick patches of weeds and trash. Since it is winter you could see a pretty good ways into the woods. We were about 10 minutes down the road and I tripped over something. I looked down and saw this thick piece of wood sticking out of the ground y about an inch. While I was looking at the ground after almost dying, I noticed what looked to be the edge of a drive way covered by dirt and over grown weeds. It was kinda cool. Alyssa looked into the trees and saw this old beat up house. It was probably 50 yards of the road. She got my attention and said "There isn't another house out her so far. Wanna go look?" I was all for exploring. I love old houses and exploring abandoned buildings.
We started to walk towards the house. It seemed kinda small. It had chipped white paint, broken windows and the door was boarded up with an old sign on it. We noticed it had what probably used to be old flower beds placed around the edges of a small porch. We climbed the steps and peered in through a window to see old furniture scattered about and picture still on the walls. Alyssa noticed how loose the boards were on the door. We began to remove them. Once they were all gone we went inside. There were birds' nest and dirt everywhere. We explored and found all kinds of things. Alyssa found an old newspaper in between the arm and cushion of a chair sitting next to an old fire place. It was dated June 16th 1979. We explored some more. The bedrooms still had beds in them. We were just about to leave when I saw another door just off the kitchen.
It had several locks on it so we assumed it was just a back door at first. Then we realized that it would have been weird to have a back door between the kitchen and a bedroom. We unlocked all of the locks and walked into the pantry. It was shelve and had about a dozen jars of green beans and a ton of cans of food. Alyssa stepped over to look at a calendar on the wall in the back of the pantry. It had events written on it. Someone had a birthday that month and "Elli" had a doctors appoint on the 4th. When she stepped away from that the floor creaked. She said she felt it bow in. The floor boards were really loose so, naturally, we pulled them up. There was a STAIRCASE!!!!!
After standing there discussing things we FINALLY went down the stairs. We took forever to get down because we were afraid and also because we didn't know how sturdy they were. Once we got into the basement we saw old clothes, another old bed, toys, and a bunch of boxes. We looked through everything. That's when we noticed the drawings on the wall by the bed.......and the chains underneath it. There was a hole in 1 part of the wall and we could see into another room. It was hard to see much because there were no lights. We were using the light from the 1 window near the ceiling and the flashlights on our phones. I shined through the hole in the wall and didn't see much. From what I could tell the other room was pretty empty. We decided to not knock down a wall that could possibly collapse the house and made our way quickly up the stairs and out of the old creepy house. We both were so sketched that we practically ran home.
Don't get fat. You'll try to lose the weight and find old sketch houses in the process.
Take care of yourselves.
Love, A Schizophrenic.
We walked away from town and went down a road I didn't even realize existed. It goes though some woods and is lined by thick patches of weeds and trash. Since it is winter you could see a pretty good ways into the woods. We were about 10 minutes down the road and I tripped over something. I looked down and saw this thick piece of wood sticking out of the ground y about an inch. While I was looking at the ground after almost dying, I noticed what looked to be the edge of a drive way covered by dirt and over grown weeds. It was kinda cool. Alyssa looked into the trees and saw this old beat up house. It was probably 50 yards of the road. She got my attention and said "There isn't another house out her so far. Wanna go look?" I was all for exploring. I love old houses and exploring abandoned buildings.
We started to walk towards the house. It seemed kinda small. It had chipped white paint, broken windows and the door was boarded up with an old sign on it. We noticed it had what probably used to be old flower beds placed around the edges of a small porch. We climbed the steps and peered in through a window to see old furniture scattered about and picture still on the walls. Alyssa noticed how loose the boards were on the door. We began to remove them. Once they were all gone we went inside. There were birds' nest and dirt everywhere. We explored and found all kinds of things. Alyssa found an old newspaper in between the arm and cushion of a chair sitting next to an old fire place. It was dated June 16th 1979. We explored some more. The bedrooms still had beds in them. We were just about to leave when I saw another door just off the kitchen.
It had several locks on it so we assumed it was just a back door at first. Then we realized that it would have been weird to have a back door between the kitchen and a bedroom. We unlocked all of the locks and walked into the pantry. It was shelve and had about a dozen jars of green beans and a ton of cans of food. Alyssa stepped over to look at a calendar on the wall in the back of the pantry. It had events written on it. Someone had a birthday that month and "Elli" had a doctors appoint on the 4th. When she stepped away from that the floor creaked. She said she felt it bow in. The floor boards were really loose so, naturally, we pulled them up. There was a STAIRCASE!!!!!
After standing there discussing things we FINALLY went down the stairs. We took forever to get down because we were afraid and also because we didn't know how sturdy they were. Once we got into the basement we saw old clothes, another old bed, toys, and a bunch of boxes. We looked through everything. That's when we noticed the drawings on the wall by the bed.......and the chains underneath it. There was a hole in 1 part of the wall and we could see into another room. It was hard to see much because there were no lights. We were using the light from the 1 window near the ceiling and the flashlights on our phones. I shined through the hole in the wall and didn't see much. From what I could tell the other room was pretty empty. We decided to not knock down a wall that could possibly collapse the house and made our way quickly up the stairs and out of the old creepy house. We both were so sketched that we practically ran home.
Don't get fat. You'll try to lose the weight and find old sketch houses in the process.
Take care of yourselves.
Love, A Schizophrenic.
broken hearts
I over heard some friends talking this evening. 1 is not Christian, but said he grew up southern baptist. Another grew up Church of God. They were briefly discussing the different Pentecostal churches/denominations when the non christian friend began saying how Christianity just doesn't make sense. He said that the old testament isn't historically accurate and then asked a question that my other friend didn't seem to have an answer to. That's when I joined the conversation. I don't even remember what the question was. My other friend then spoke up and said something like "Yeah, I've kinda left the whole Jesus thing recently." This bothered me. I care about my friends spiritually as well as physically.
I've been praying for this friend and her husband for a while now. They both have had things kinda rough the past several years and are doing everything they can to keep their head's above water. They both are like the hardest working people have ever met, but it seems like there is always something that tries to knock them down just as they get their footing. I wondered if the trials they're facing are starting to wear away at them. I wondered if they maybe blame God for not fixing things or lightening the load. I've done those things several times in my life, but each time God fixes it. Maybe they are wondering why he didn't fix things for them. I just worry for them. I also pray for them. I pray for their safety too. They give me rides to and from work on most days because I do not have a car and they never ask for gas money. When I step out of their car, I always try to quickly draw a small cross on the door as I shut it. I really want to see God move in my friend's lives and I pray that they will go back to him.
At first I was almost angry with my other friend for saying some things about God and Christianity. Then, I realized how dumb of me that was.Why would the health of 1 friend's soul trouble me more than the other? Are they both not equal in the eyes of God? When I realized that I was ashamed of myself and began to pray for the other friend as well.
I don't type all of this to brag on myself. I made the mistake of boasting about my blessings earlier as if I were the 1 to make it happen. That is not my intentions now. My intentions now are a couple things. 1, explain to people that we need to pray for our friends even if they are not believers. God loves the unbeliever as much as he loves the believer. The believer was once the unbeliever. The other intention is to maybe begin a prayer log type thing. I want to do so in order to give praise reports. Maybe God will move my friends' situations.
Stay strong in the faith and pray for one another.
Take care of yourselves and others. You may be their answer to prayers.
Love, A Schizophrenic.
I've been praying for this friend and her husband for a while now. They both have had things kinda rough the past several years and are doing everything they can to keep their head's above water. They both are like the hardest working people have ever met, but it seems like there is always something that tries to knock them down just as they get their footing. I wondered if the trials they're facing are starting to wear away at them. I wondered if they maybe blame God for not fixing things or lightening the load. I've done those things several times in my life, but each time God fixes it. Maybe they are wondering why he didn't fix things for them. I just worry for them. I also pray for them. I pray for their safety too. They give me rides to and from work on most days because I do not have a car and they never ask for gas money. When I step out of their car, I always try to quickly draw a small cross on the door as I shut it. I really want to see God move in my friend's lives and I pray that they will go back to him.
At first I was almost angry with my other friend for saying some things about God and Christianity. Then, I realized how dumb of me that was.Why would the health of 1 friend's soul trouble me more than the other? Are they both not equal in the eyes of God? When I realized that I was ashamed of myself and began to pray for the other friend as well.
I don't type all of this to brag on myself. I made the mistake of boasting about my blessings earlier as if I were the 1 to make it happen. That is not my intentions now. My intentions now are a couple things. 1, explain to people that we need to pray for our friends even if they are not believers. God loves the unbeliever as much as he loves the believer. The believer was once the unbeliever. The other intention is to maybe begin a prayer log type thing. I want to do so in order to give praise reports. Maybe God will move my friends' situations.
Stay strong in the faith and pray for one another.
Take care of yourselves and others. You may be their answer to prayers.
Love, A Schizophrenic.
Wednesday, February 6, 2019
Self harm;
Many of us have self harmed before or have at least thought about/ been tempted to at some point in our lives. Self harm is a fairly common thing in this day. This could be cutting, choking, rubber banding, or even forcing yourself to eat something in a non healthy way.
A short conversation at work brought this topic to my mind. I will not be using coworker's names or genders for this out of respect for privacy. Any names in my post may be altered or already hae permission to be used. Coworker A saw a scar on Coworker B's arm and asked "Is that from cutting?" Coworker B said "yes, actually." The conversation continued and Coworker B stated that the scar was the only visible self harm scar they had and that the other is concealed by a tattoo. I then stated that I have lots visible on my arms. Then, in blabber mouth fashion, I said I also have them on my legs, stomach, and a small one on my throat from where I attempted to slit my own throat. Coworker B said "Oh, I didn't know that." This coworker and I have been friends for several years now is why I didn't mind sharing this info and just talking about things. I went on to explain that I have command hallucinations from schizophrenia (the coworker already knew of my diagnosis.)
Why on earth would I ever tell anyone any of that stuff? Why would I bring it up at work? If these were people I didn't know I may not have taken place in the conversation at all to be honest. Some of you may be more open and that's great, but I do like to get to know people a bit before I say much. I do realize it is important to talk about these things. Why? Educating people on these things is a necessity. People need to know that maybe they aren't the only one dealing with something. Maybe they need advice, or don't know where to start if they are seeking help. Maybe they've been a douche to someone because of someone's self harm or even caused it and the conversation may help them think a bit more. Maybe someone needs to see that they can get through whatever it is they are dealing with. Maybe they need to know there is more life to come and that things aren't over. ( That's the ; in the title.) That may seem really deep for a work conversation, but if I am there 8 hours a day then I practically live there and they are family. Also, just because I know someone from work doesn't mean I don't care for them as a human being.
Why am I making ANOTHER post about it? It is something that NEVER goes away. It may for you and it may for me, but it may not for someone else. There is always someone somewhere dealing with this and if they happen to come across this page and deem it helpful then it was all worth it. If they don't, at least I tried. What are you doing? It is a problem that needs addressing.
If you or anyone you know is dealing with this, please do not be afraid to seek help. You aren't gonna get locked away in a psych ward for it. You're doctor will recommend a therapist and possibly a psychiatrist as well. Neither of those are reasons to be ashamed.
Take care of yourselves and take care of each other.
Love, A Schizophrenic.
A short conversation at work brought this topic to my mind. I will not be using coworker's names or genders for this out of respect for privacy. Any names in my post may be altered or already hae permission to be used. Coworker A saw a scar on Coworker B's arm and asked "Is that from cutting?" Coworker B said "yes, actually." The conversation continued and Coworker B stated that the scar was the only visible self harm scar they had and that the other is concealed by a tattoo. I then stated that I have lots visible on my arms. Then, in blabber mouth fashion, I said I also have them on my legs, stomach, and a small one on my throat from where I attempted to slit my own throat. Coworker B said "Oh, I didn't know that." This coworker and I have been friends for several years now is why I didn't mind sharing this info and just talking about things. I went on to explain that I have command hallucinations from schizophrenia (the coworker already knew of my diagnosis.)
Why on earth would I ever tell anyone any of that stuff? Why would I bring it up at work? If these were people I didn't know I may not have taken place in the conversation at all to be honest. Some of you may be more open and that's great, but I do like to get to know people a bit before I say much. I do realize it is important to talk about these things. Why? Educating people on these things is a necessity. People need to know that maybe they aren't the only one dealing with something. Maybe they need advice, or don't know where to start if they are seeking help. Maybe they've been a douche to someone because of someone's self harm or even caused it and the conversation may help them think a bit more. Maybe someone needs to see that they can get through whatever it is they are dealing with. Maybe they need to know there is more life to come and that things aren't over. ( That's the ; in the title.) That may seem really deep for a work conversation, but if I am there 8 hours a day then I practically live there and they are family. Also, just because I know someone from work doesn't mean I don't care for them as a human being.
Why am I making ANOTHER post about it? It is something that NEVER goes away. It may for you and it may for me, but it may not for someone else. There is always someone somewhere dealing with this and if they happen to come across this page and deem it helpful then it was all worth it. If they don't, at least I tried. What are you doing? It is a problem that needs addressing.
If you or anyone you know is dealing with this, please do not be afraid to seek help. You aren't gonna get locked away in a psych ward for it. You're doctor will recommend a therapist and possibly a psychiatrist as well. Neither of those are reasons to be ashamed.
Take care of yourselves and take care of each other.
Love, A Schizophrenic.
Tuesday, February 5, 2019
think before you tell
I usually don't mind telling people about having schizophrenia hints the blog. I do avoid telling certain people for many reasons. When I do spill the beans it usually isn't 1 of the first things I tell people about me.
The other day at work my beans were spilled when I didn't really want them to be. A coworker was talking about some people he knows and how they're schizophrenic. I froze when I heard the word. Do I say something or do I just shut up and ignore it? My friend that I work with goes "So is she!" My friend didn't mean to say something I didn't want said. He knows how open I am about it. My other co worker was like "really?" I told them yes and that I have disorganized type. Then we went on with our normal conversation.
I couldn't help but think about what had happened later after I got home. I've been trying to be more quiet about it lately. I don't want people to think I am seeking attention. I also know that it scares people. I am all about educating others, but sometimes there are things that we can tell others that they will never understand.
Tonight I had a conversation with my roommate. I told he about how I had been forced to go to chapel (I went to a private Christian School) even against my doctor's best judgement. My doctor and I both threatened to sue. I sent in a doctors note multiple times and explained schizophrenia symptoms lead to sensory overload which leads to anxiety and command hallucinations. I explained that the command hallucinations weren't telling me to do harmless things. They wanted me to kill other people. I told my roommate about what I had written. She didn't seem to be phased, but I couldn't help but think I had said too much. I wouldn't worry as much if I had said that to someone else who had command hallucinations or schizophrenia. It wouldn't scare them because they would understand. The general public is easily frightened. I am worried that I may be labelled as a murderer or a psycho because of these command hallucinations.
Don't be afraid to educate others and definitely do not be ashamed if you have something you can't help. Don't be surprised if someone freaks out or becomes afraid though. They'll never fully understand.
Think about things before you say them and think about who you're talking to. Some may not react as expected.
Take care of yourselves.
Love, A Schizophrenic.
The other day at work my beans were spilled when I didn't really want them to be. A coworker was talking about some people he knows and how they're schizophrenic. I froze when I heard the word. Do I say something or do I just shut up and ignore it? My friend that I work with goes "So is she!" My friend didn't mean to say something I didn't want said. He knows how open I am about it. My other co worker was like "really?" I told them yes and that I have disorganized type. Then we went on with our normal conversation.
I couldn't help but think about what had happened later after I got home. I've been trying to be more quiet about it lately. I don't want people to think I am seeking attention. I also know that it scares people. I am all about educating others, but sometimes there are things that we can tell others that they will never understand.
Tonight I had a conversation with my roommate. I told he about how I had been forced to go to chapel (I went to a private Christian School) even against my doctor's best judgement. My doctor and I both threatened to sue. I sent in a doctors note multiple times and explained schizophrenia symptoms lead to sensory overload which leads to anxiety and command hallucinations. I explained that the command hallucinations weren't telling me to do harmless things. They wanted me to kill other people. I told my roommate about what I had written. She didn't seem to be phased, but I couldn't help but think I had said too much. I wouldn't worry as much if I had said that to someone else who had command hallucinations or schizophrenia. It wouldn't scare them because they would understand. The general public is easily frightened. I am worried that I may be labelled as a murderer or a psycho because of these command hallucinations.
Don't be afraid to educate others and definitely do not be ashamed if you have something you can't help. Don't be surprised if someone freaks out or becomes afraid though. They'll never fully understand.
Think about things before you say them and think about who you're talking to. Some may not react as expected.
Take care of yourselves.
Love, A Schizophrenic.
Called out
I totally got called out at work earlier. Let me explain what happened.
I get there and its kinda slow at 1st. People start pouring in and the drive through is out to the road about 30 minutes into my shift. We were down 1 person. One girl is saving lives getting register, frying things, doing dishes, and helping me on dine in orders. Other than her help every so often, I am the only one of dine in. Drive through has 1 person on register and 2 on line. I'm making all these orders myself. Let me remind you that I have only been working there for a month so I am not the fastest and still don't know exactly everything. The orders coming in are not small orders at all. Its like 12 items+ per name. At 1 point I had 2 12 packs and an extra 10 tacos. Behind that were several other orders. I had to do a few remakes because I kinda suck, but I notice this customer standing watching me make all of these orders. Drive through had time to pick up one of my orders before they started getting slammed again. This made the customer a little upset because that order was someone who had ordered after them. Naturally, they began to ask if their order had been forgotten. They then began to rush me and got upset and yelled "Its for here! Its for here!" when I went to put the order into a bag. I said "Because a bag makes such a difference." I said it so that I would be heard.
Once that order got out many more piled in. It did not stop. The line was out to the road when I left and everyone was still making ridiculous orders. I got frustrated quite a few times. At one point I just loudly stated "God motherf*&@ing D!@#*$!" The guy next to me was like "You shouldn't say that." He was joking, but her was right. That conversation lead into a conversation about Christianity. He knows that I am a Christian. This was kinda a big deal to me. He was right. I am a Christian. Why do I allow my self to have such a filthy mouth? It doesn't glorify God and it doesn't make me seem like a kind person when every other word is a curse word. He didn't mean to call me out and he honestly didn't even care. I did though. I have got to watch my mouth.
I know that God forgives and that he always loves us. It doesn't mean that I can just spew whatever words I want out of my mouth. Its about as appealing as spewing vomit. That's gross. Its disgusting and has no place coming out of my mouth.
This may sound like it is specifically for Christians, but it is kinda for everyone in more than 1 way. It is the sick who need a doctor and it is important to stand by what you believe. If you believe that certain words should be said then stand by that. Don't expect the world to stand by it and don't expect the world to change for you, but stand by your belief. Then, live it.
Forgive yourselves and take care of yourselves.
Love, A Schizophrenic
I get there and its kinda slow at 1st. People start pouring in and the drive through is out to the road about 30 minutes into my shift. We were down 1 person. One girl is saving lives getting register, frying things, doing dishes, and helping me on dine in orders. Other than her help every so often, I am the only one of dine in. Drive through has 1 person on register and 2 on line. I'm making all these orders myself. Let me remind you that I have only been working there for a month so I am not the fastest and still don't know exactly everything. The orders coming in are not small orders at all. Its like 12 items+ per name. At 1 point I had 2 12 packs and an extra 10 tacos. Behind that were several other orders. I had to do a few remakes because I kinda suck, but I notice this customer standing watching me make all of these orders. Drive through had time to pick up one of my orders before they started getting slammed again. This made the customer a little upset because that order was someone who had ordered after them. Naturally, they began to ask if their order had been forgotten. They then began to rush me and got upset and yelled "Its for here! Its for here!" when I went to put the order into a bag. I said "Because a bag makes such a difference." I said it so that I would be heard.
Once that order got out many more piled in. It did not stop. The line was out to the road when I left and everyone was still making ridiculous orders. I got frustrated quite a few times. At one point I just loudly stated "God motherf*&@ing D!@#*$!" The guy next to me was like "You shouldn't say that." He was joking, but her was right. That conversation lead into a conversation about Christianity. He knows that I am a Christian. This was kinda a big deal to me. He was right. I am a Christian. Why do I allow my self to have such a filthy mouth? It doesn't glorify God and it doesn't make me seem like a kind person when every other word is a curse word. He didn't mean to call me out and he honestly didn't even care. I did though. I have got to watch my mouth.
I know that God forgives and that he always loves us. It doesn't mean that I can just spew whatever words I want out of my mouth. Its about as appealing as spewing vomit. That's gross. Its disgusting and has no place coming out of my mouth.
This may sound like it is specifically for Christians, but it is kinda for everyone in more than 1 way. It is the sick who need a doctor and it is important to stand by what you believe. If you believe that certain words should be said then stand by that. Don't expect the world to stand by it and don't expect the world to change for you, but stand by your belief. Then, live it.
Forgive yourselves and take care of yourselves.
Love, A Schizophrenic
Sunday, February 3, 2019
weird night
Last night was weird. Really weird. My roommate went to stay the night at a friends house so I was by myself in the room. I know my symptoms have been getting worse lately. Being alone doesn't help me when I am experiencing certain symptoms such as hallucinations, delusions, and confusion.
I was laying down scrolling through facebook. Before that I was reading and had noticed things around me, but distant. I felt alone and cold. The more I scrolled the closer things got to me. Things I couldn't see, but could feel. I plugged my phone into charge and went to bed. I could hear them talking. They were talking about me to each other and flying in the space around me. I could see them perched on my door and on my dresser. I could see them perched on my roommates bed talking across the room to each other. I was in and out of sleep because of the noise they were making.
I eventually got up and told them all to leave. I even turned on the light so I could see better to shew them all away. Once they all left I could finally sleep. It was all almost fairy tell like. It felt really weird. I don't know how to explain it. I wasn't afraid, but annoyed. I felt light, cold, and alone the whole time. It was just really weird.
Hallucinations are weird.
Be careful and take care of yourselves.
Love, A Schizophrenic.
Friday, February 1, 2019
The Mighty
I wrote a while back a post called "Schizophrenia and Demons"or something like that. Basically, I left a church and broke up with a friend because they said that I am schizophrenic because I am possessed. I was so upset by the things that happened that I wrote about it to The Mighty. Today, I received an email saying that they are gonna feature the story!
That is huge to me for a few reasons. I know of several Christians who have been belittled by the church because they have a mental disorder or take anti-psychs. Maybe this story will help them see that they are not alone. Many pastors speak about the "spirit of depression" and that kinda makes people not listen to you. I do not think that pastors should only say things to make people feel good. People should feel convicted when in church, that's a good thing. You shouldn't make people feel bad because they have a chemical imbalance in their brain. Preach what is biblical. Also, maybe it will catch one of those types of people's attention. Maybe they'll be educated. Maybe they'll realize how people are being scared away from churches or are keeping up a protective wall that is keeping them from being as much a part of the body as they'd like to be. Maybe it will normalize talking about these things.
I got super excited when I got the email. I will post more about it when I hear more news. I also have to say that I am kinda proud of myself. I've even stayed strong enough not to contact that person or church that did that to me. I ended the friendship. It was negative and she just went too far on too many occasions with no regret. Of course she tried denying everything when I confronted her of the issue. She went as far to say that "the lies you are believing are from the devil." I called her out. I told her that no they aren't. I asked the pastor does she believe I am possessed and she said yes. I ask my friend if she thought the same. She said no, but then tried to explain that mental disorders aren't real and that they're from the devil. Then she went into saying that I am either possessed or oppressed. She wouldn't make up her mind. She tried to play the poor me card when I confronted her. She was really upset when I told her I will not be at her wedding. THEN her fiance called a friend of mine and tried to make me look like the bad guy. My friend ended up shutting him down and shaming him. The whole thing turned into a big mess.
I am glad something is begin said. I know I am not the only one to have faced situations like these.
Stick up for yourselves and your friends.
Love, A Schizophrenic
That is huge to me for a few reasons. I know of several Christians who have been belittled by the church because they have a mental disorder or take anti-psychs. Maybe this story will help them see that they are not alone. Many pastors speak about the "spirit of depression" and that kinda makes people not listen to you. I do not think that pastors should only say things to make people feel good. People should feel convicted when in church, that's a good thing. You shouldn't make people feel bad because they have a chemical imbalance in their brain. Preach what is biblical. Also, maybe it will catch one of those types of people's attention. Maybe they'll be educated. Maybe they'll realize how people are being scared away from churches or are keeping up a protective wall that is keeping them from being as much a part of the body as they'd like to be. Maybe it will normalize talking about these things.
I got super excited when I got the email. I will post more about it when I hear more news. I also have to say that I am kinda proud of myself. I've even stayed strong enough not to contact that person or church that did that to me. I ended the friendship. It was negative and she just went too far on too many occasions with no regret. Of course she tried denying everything when I confronted her of the issue. She went as far to say that "the lies you are believing are from the devil." I called her out. I told her that no they aren't. I asked the pastor does she believe I am possessed and she said yes. I ask my friend if she thought the same. She said no, but then tried to explain that mental disorders aren't real and that they're from the devil. Then she went into saying that I am either possessed or oppressed. She wouldn't make up her mind. She tried to play the poor me card when I confronted her. She was really upset when I told her I will not be at her wedding. THEN her fiance called a friend of mine and tried to make me look like the bad guy. My friend ended up shutting him down and shaming him. The whole thing turned into a big mess.
I am glad something is begin said. I know I am not the only one to have faced situations like these.
Stick up for yourselves and your friends.
Love, A Schizophrenic
A Bright Day
Today seems so much brighter and happier. I don't know why. Its like partly cloudy out and fairly warm for how it as been, my roomies are all home and we're chilling together, and I don't have to work today. Even in doors seems brighter.
My mock class went well. I did lots of things well and I have lots of things to improve upon so I am going to reschedule and try again within the next week. I got to have lunch with several friends today which was so much fun. They're all seniors in college and 1 is closer to my age, but the others are a couple years younger. It was nice having the old sym band squad back together. I wish they would be there when I start my masters, but they're graduating. They'll always be fam, but I know I will make new friends during my masters too.
Tonight I am going to a movie with a friend. I think we're gonna go see escape room. I'm kinda excited. I like seeing movies in theaters.
One thing has been odd. I often have hallucinations of music playing, but recently it as been much more. I used to just hear a cello playing, but not I might hear rap or county or even dub step. I used to write down what I heard, but it was difficult. I sometimes have music in my dreams and I write that down too. I've got a few compositions of music I heard in my dreams.
I hope your days are bright.
Take care of yourselves.
Love, A Schizophrenic.
My mock class went well. I did lots of things well and I have lots of things to improve upon so I am going to reschedule and try again within the next week. I got to have lunch with several friends today which was so much fun. They're all seniors in college and 1 is closer to my age, but the others are a couple years younger. It was nice having the old sym band squad back together. I wish they would be there when I start my masters, but they're graduating. They'll always be fam, but I know I will make new friends during my masters too.
Tonight I am going to a movie with a friend. I think we're gonna go see escape room. I'm kinda excited. I like seeing movies in theaters.
One thing has been odd. I often have hallucinations of music playing, but recently it as been much more. I used to just hear a cello playing, but not I might hear rap or county or even dub step. I used to write down what I heard, but it was difficult. I sometimes have music in my dreams and I write that down too. I've got a few compositions of music I heard in my dreams.
I hope your days are bright.
Take care of yourselves.
Love, A Schizophrenic.
Wednesday, January 30, 2019
new old hallucination?
Today was......a day I guess. I posted yesterday about healthy you taking care of sick you and day before yesterday's post was about an odd hallucination. I feel totally different than I did a few hours ago and am worried day before yesterday's worries may be correct.
When I was younger I had this hallucination of a girl. Not Mary. This girl and Mary are two completely different things. This girl I began seeing around 9 or 10 years old. I began taking anti-psychs around 12 years old. She disappeared not long after that and I haven't seen her since. I never considered her a hallucination or "my 1st visual hallucination" because I honestly forgot all about her. Until today.
I was at work and things had been really busy for about 30 minutes. At 1 point I was the only 1 on my side making food because the other person had to fry and refill some things. I had a few seconds where I didn't have any orders on my screen. I glanced up front at the register to see a whole line of people still yet to order, but behind them I saw her. She was outside the front door of the store starring in. When people came to the door she didn't even move. My coworker had to get my attention to make the orders that were staring to come in. Every so often I would have a second to rest. I'd look over and there she was just standing, shoulders hunched, head down, hair like long drapes framing her thin and bloody face. She looks to be around 12 years of age. She still looks how she used to. When I saw her I totally had a flash back in my mind of going back to playing in the woods behind our house and finding her standing by a tree. I could hear her breathing hard. She growled at me almost how Used To Be does. She doesn't seem to be violent. She just stands there.
Anyway, I wonder about the reappearance of this old hallucination.
I do not see her as I write this, but she was at my work for a while. I do not know if she'll be back or not or why she was back at all. Used To Be is here though. She is curled up sleeping against my leg as I write this. She is so much more docile than she used to be. I do hope that some of the others do not return. I fear mostly the frog people. At times I miss 252, the months, the days, and even The 3. Used To Be visits more than the others from Tyrenia, but she tells me all is well with everyone.
I haven't seen any distortion hallucinations in a little while. No melting faces or split level people. No warped floors are upside down faces either. My mood is starting to stabilize today since it has been a little wilder than normal the past few days. Intrusive thoughts are beginning again and social awkwardness is at an all time high. I mixed emotions earlier today. A friend was happy and for some reason I asked her if she was mad. Another girl was laughing and I told her "I'm sorry" because I mixed it up with crying. Sometimes Im a dingus. Thats okay though.
I'm starting to lose focus so Ima finish this.
Take care of yourselves.
Love, A Schizophrenic
When I was younger I had this hallucination of a girl. Not Mary. This girl and Mary are two completely different things. This girl I began seeing around 9 or 10 years old. I began taking anti-psychs around 12 years old. She disappeared not long after that and I haven't seen her since. I never considered her a hallucination or "my 1st visual hallucination" because I honestly forgot all about her. Until today.
I was at work and things had been really busy for about 30 minutes. At 1 point I was the only 1 on my side making food because the other person had to fry and refill some things. I had a few seconds where I didn't have any orders on my screen. I glanced up front at the register to see a whole line of people still yet to order, but behind them I saw her. She was outside the front door of the store starring in. When people came to the door she didn't even move. My coworker had to get my attention to make the orders that were staring to come in. Every so often I would have a second to rest. I'd look over and there she was just standing, shoulders hunched, head down, hair like long drapes framing her thin and bloody face. She looks to be around 12 years of age. She still looks how she used to. When I saw her I totally had a flash back in my mind of going back to playing in the woods behind our house and finding her standing by a tree. I could hear her breathing hard. She growled at me almost how Used To Be does. She doesn't seem to be violent. She just stands there.
Anyway, I wonder about the reappearance of this old hallucination.
I do not see her as I write this, but she was at my work for a while. I do not know if she'll be back or not or why she was back at all. Used To Be is here though. She is curled up sleeping against my leg as I write this. She is so much more docile than she used to be. I do hope that some of the others do not return. I fear mostly the frog people. At times I miss 252, the months, the days, and even The 3. Used To Be visits more than the others from Tyrenia, but she tells me all is well with everyone.
I haven't seen any distortion hallucinations in a little while. No melting faces or split level people. No warped floors are upside down faces either. My mood is starting to stabilize today since it has been a little wilder than normal the past few days. Intrusive thoughts are beginning again and social awkwardness is at an all time high. I mixed emotions earlier today. A friend was happy and for some reason I asked her if she was mad. Another girl was laughing and I told her "I'm sorry" because I mixed it up with crying. Sometimes Im a dingus. Thats okay though.
I'm starting to lose focus so Ima finish this.
Take care of yourselves.
Love, A Schizophrenic
pay day and adulting
Pay day is one of my favorite days. I usually go ahead and make payments towards my student loans right when it comes in. I feel all adulty and stuff.
It really is important to budget out your monthly spending. This can be difficult if you live with a disorganized disorder such as schizophrenia. Here's some ideas.
1st off, let healthy you take care of sick you. Plan ahead just in case. I was in a healthy state when I went through and looked at my pay checks. I based my budget on the times of my lowest possible income.
2nd, Write it out, plan it out, or put it in a document on your electronic device. I use excel on my tablet. It has a graph I can enter basic info into and it does the math for me. I can enter a category into a cell. Example: "Savings" and in the cell to the right of it I put "100." The program enters that into a savings graph, an expenses graph, and then tells me what percentage of my income is being spent. It also tells the amount I will or will not have left after the planned expenses.
I've also used to envelop rule. This is especially handy if you get paid in cash. Get an envelop for each expense. Write the expense and the amount on the envelop. If you get paid in tips you can put money into each envelop day by day. Example "dr visit" or "power bill." I was a server for waffle house. I put my tips in these envelops and had my pay check moved to my savings account. Once these envelops are full, take them to the bank or where you pay your bills.
3rd. Allow some wiggle room. This is why I planned for the least income. Sometimes I get paid quite a bit more and can use the extra money for more savings, to pay more on loans, or.......pizza/shopping........only like once a month or so. If things get tight, drop unnecessary expenses such as netflix, hulu, a gym membership you haven't used even though it was your new years resolution. Try grocery shopping at cheaper places such as aldi. Get only what you need. Sandwiches save lives.
4th. STICK TO IT. Do not allow yourself to break away from this plan. Always pay bills first, then save, then have fun, and then save some more! Live within your means and plan ahead as best you can. I understand that things come up and we lose our minds from time to time. That is why I have found it helpful to ask an extremely trusted friend or family member to also keep an eye on my spending habits just in case I get a bit out of it. This step may be the most difficult for some. Especially if you have bouts of paranoia. Be careful with this one.
If you are on fixed income then I highly suggest keeping track of things in some sort of budgeting way.
This stuff isn't much fun for many of us, but it is kinda important.
Take care of yourselves.
Love, A Schizophrenic
It really is important to budget out your monthly spending. This can be difficult if you live with a disorganized disorder such as schizophrenia. Here's some ideas.
1st off, let healthy you take care of sick you. Plan ahead just in case. I was in a healthy state when I went through and looked at my pay checks. I based my budget on the times of my lowest possible income.
2nd, Write it out, plan it out, or put it in a document on your electronic device. I use excel on my tablet. It has a graph I can enter basic info into and it does the math for me. I can enter a category into a cell. Example: "Savings" and in the cell to the right of it I put "100." The program enters that into a savings graph, an expenses graph, and then tells me what percentage of my income is being spent. It also tells the amount I will or will not have left after the planned expenses.
I've also used to envelop rule. This is especially handy if you get paid in cash. Get an envelop for each expense. Write the expense and the amount on the envelop. If you get paid in tips you can put money into each envelop day by day. Example "dr visit" or "power bill." I was a server for waffle house. I put my tips in these envelops and had my pay check moved to my savings account. Once these envelops are full, take them to the bank or where you pay your bills.
3rd. Allow some wiggle room. This is why I planned for the least income. Sometimes I get paid quite a bit more and can use the extra money for more savings, to pay more on loans, or.......pizza/shopping........only like once a month or so. If things get tight, drop unnecessary expenses such as netflix, hulu, a gym membership you haven't used even though it was your new years resolution. Try grocery shopping at cheaper places such as aldi. Get only what you need. Sandwiches save lives.
4th. STICK TO IT. Do not allow yourself to break away from this plan. Always pay bills first, then save, then have fun, and then save some more! Live within your means and plan ahead as best you can. I understand that things come up and we lose our minds from time to time. That is why I have found it helpful to ask an extremely trusted friend or family member to also keep an eye on my spending habits just in case I get a bit out of it. This step may be the most difficult for some. Especially if you have bouts of paranoia. Be careful with this one.
If you are on fixed income then I highly suggest keeping track of things in some sort of budgeting way.
This stuff isn't much fun for many of us, but it is kinda important.
Take care of yourselves.
Love, A Schizophrenic
Tuesday, January 29, 2019
new hallucination
So, I saw a hallucination the other day that I have never seen before. I have hallucinations all the time. Some are recurring, some come and go, some are always there or only appear at certain times or with certain emotion things, and some leave as quickly as the appear never to return. This one was frightening. It wasn't because of what it was, but because I didn't realize it wasn't real at 1st. The reason that is slightly worrisome is that means I could be about to have a psychotic break. When I get to where I cannot tell fact from fantasy is when I know things are getting bad. I eventually realized it was a hallucination once I got over the surprise of it being there so it may not be as bad as I think.
I had been hanging out with my roomies just watching a show on hulu when I went upstairs to go to the bathroom. I notices something odd in the mirror by the stairs as I passed it. I didn't think much of it. Then, I saw it again. This time in the corner by the upstairs linen closet. That corner is kinda dark because we never really turn on the light there so I just convinced myself that my eyes were just messing with me....even though I knew I just saw it a second ago.
I keep moving and go into the bathroom. I walk by the mirror and there it is plan as day. I just stood and starred at it. It was this cluster of faces that looked like they had been sculpted. Some faces looked like people I knew. I saw my sisters face. Others where complete strangers. It was the oddest thing. I haven't seen it today, but I wonder if I will see it again. It was really weird. If I see it again, I'll write about it.
Take care of yourselves.
Love, A Schizophrenic
I had been hanging out with my roomies just watching a show on hulu when I went upstairs to go to the bathroom. I notices something odd in the mirror by the stairs as I passed it. I didn't think much of it. Then, I saw it again. This time in the corner by the upstairs linen closet. That corner is kinda dark because we never really turn on the light there so I just convinced myself that my eyes were just messing with me....even though I knew I just saw it a second ago.
I keep moving and go into the bathroom. I walk by the mirror and there it is plan as day. I just stood and starred at it. It was this cluster of faces that looked like they had been sculpted. Some faces looked like people I knew. I saw my sisters face. Others where complete strangers. It was the oddest thing. I haven't seen it today, but I wonder if I will see it again. It was really weird. If I see it again, I'll write about it.
Take care of yourselves.
Love, A Schizophrenic
the day to day
The past week or so at work has just been odd. I have learned quite a bit about my coworkers which is kinda cool. The person I thought was a douche is actually an intelligent and polite person. The coworker who was made out to be a rude person is really just someone with a strong personality who doesn't take crap from people. I got to speak to a new hire who doesn't speak much english and is sweet and hard working.
I also found out how interesting some of these people are. Some are into open relationships and things like that. It is interesting to hear how they work those things out. To me, it still just seems like justifying adultery, but to each their own I suppose. I work with someone who is trans.They laugh about how it trips people up when they order when the appearance doesn't match the voice. That is something we have a fun time doing. We all sometimes will make a voice that is weird, but just normal enough and mess with customers. It is fun sometimes.
Frustration is a great word to describe how today went though. I covered for someone last week and the agreement was that they'd cover the last portion of my shift today and I would clock out at 3. Well, they never showed up and didn't answer when the managers tried reaching them. So now, one of the most underpaid shift leads is working on their day off which is sad.
I did accomplish a few adulty things when I got home though. I let lenders know my address has changed and I scheduled my mock class for VIPKID. Hopefully it goes well. I could really use the extra $$$. I do have a story to tell that happened the other day, but that'll be in my next post.
Stay on the bright side and learn about others.
Take care of yourselves and each other.
Love, A Schizophrenic
I also found out how interesting some of these people are. Some are into open relationships and things like that. It is interesting to hear how they work those things out. To me, it still just seems like justifying adultery, but to each their own I suppose. I work with someone who is trans.They laugh about how it trips people up when they order when the appearance doesn't match the voice. That is something we have a fun time doing. We all sometimes will make a voice that is weird, but just normal enough and mess with customers. It is fun sometimes.
Frustration is a great word to describe how today went though. I covered for someone last week and the agreement was that they'd cover the last portion of my shift today and I would clock out at 3. Well, they never showed up and didn't answer when the managers tried reaching them. So now, one of the most underpaid shift leads is working on their day off which is sad.
I did accomplish a few adulty things when I got home though. I let lenders know my address has changed and I scheduled my mock class for VIPKID. Hopefully it goes well. I could really use the extra $$$. I do have a story to tell that happened the other day, but that'll be in my next post.
Stay on the bright side and learn about others.
Take care of yourselves and each other.
Love, A Schizophrenic
Monday, January 28, 2019
Liberalism and Christian Universities
I never thought this would be an issue I would face or even ever hear about. That shows how dumb I am I guess.
Over the past several years, my thoughts and beliefs have been intentionally challenged by friends, fellow students, and professors at Lee University. All challenged with the same basic idea. Research and think. Know why you believe what you believe and understand/ expect the same from others.
Lee is a Church of God institution which means it is a private christian university. On one side there are people who put me down because they think that I am "rich" and "an intellectual" capable of having a degree handed to me. They don't think about all the jobs I worked to pay my way and all the classes I failed in order to achieve my degree. Then there is another side. This side says 1 of 2 things. Either I'm a sweet and innocent (naive) little christian girl OR I am the biggest hypocrite to walk the face of the planet. I strive to be neither, honestly. These things I expected.
What I did not expect is the reactions I receive from many Christians. Some think its a great thing that I went to "That there Church of God school." Some think that the education has warped me into some liberal anti christ. Some say because I speak about understanding opposing views and supporting others in need that I am for the evil ways of this world.
I say understand the drug addict. They hear "Drugs are good."
I say listen to the female seeking abortion. They hear "I support murder especially of babies."
I say accept the homosexual. They hear "Ignore and glorify all sin whilst having a drunken orgy."
I say God wants us to help our neighbors in need. They hear "Let all undocumented people in so that they can murder and spread their sin plants while taking our jobs."
I say fight against rape and toxic masculinity. They hear "all men are toxic and I am a feminazi."
Really the list goes on and on.
I just went through and found some scriptures. Not to fight anyone, but to support some things. There are christians out there that say I have become luke warm and am afraid to call sin what it is. Well, here ya go. I'm calling some hypocrites out on their sins....just like they asked. This is for those who believe your hatred is okay. I call this "being my brothers keeper."
Proverbs 18:2 A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion.
Proverbs 14:29 Whoever is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who has a hasty temper exalts folly.
Matthew 25:35-40" For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothes me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me." Then the righteous will answer him "Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?" The King will reply "Truly I tell you, whatever you did for the least of these brothers and sisters or mine, you did for me."
I realize that these scriptures may mean little to those of you who are not believers. In that case, all I can ask is that you try to understand others.
I am not asking for anyone to change opinions. I am asking that you listen to understand not to respond.
Be kind to each other as Christ would.
Take care of yourselves and each other.
Love, A Schizophrenic
Thursday, January 24, 2019
misunderstandings
There are days where I feel so misunderstood. I think that sometimes people with mental disorders have a different way of thinking. Its kinda actually proven that we do, but that does not make our process and more or any less than someone else's. I also think that we have different ways of expressing those thoughts. This could be words or phrases that we use in every day life. This happens to me at my job. I may get overwhelmed and say "Okay. What am I doing?" To me, that is just me giving my brain a second to catch up to my actions. My coworkers sometimes interpret that as me saying "I don't know what this is supposed to be. What all goes on it?" It makes sense that they would think that, but that isn't actually what I mean. Sometimes this happens with bigger and more important things too. Once again, these differences do not make anyone less or more than another.
Most of us have heard of the law recently passed in NY legalizing abortion up until birth. To clarify some things, this law is not to be used as birth control. It is intended to help mothers who may not make it if they deliver or have a c section. This is for mother expecting a still born child. I imagine both cases may live with regret for the rest of their life, but it is their call to make. Others may disagree and say that the call belongs to fate, destiny, time, or God.
I am not writing this to state my opinion, trust me, I have an informed one. I am writing this to ask that people behave with respect towards one another. Most people have good intentions. So what makes a person good? Their intentions or their actions/words? Its an age old debate really. Remember how it was for you when you were misunderstood. Truly hear each other out. You don't have to change your mind or another persons, but the whole world would be a little more peaceful if their wasn't so much misunderstanding and aggression used to clarify.
I know I am not one to be talking. I am certainly not perfect and definitely have my share of mistakes and not so wise decisions. No one is perfect. Try to be kind. Stand for what you believe, but also try to be kind.
Go with love and take care of each other.
Love, A Schizophrenic
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