Today was......a day I guess. I posted yesterday about healthy you taking care of sick you and day before yesterday's post was about an odd hallucination. I feel totally different than I did a few hours ago and am worried day before yesterday's worries may be correct.
When I was younger I had this hallucination of a girl. Not Mary. This girl and Mary are two completely different things. This girl I began seeing around 9 or 10 years old. I began taking anti-psychs around 12 years old. She disappeared not long after that and I haven't seen her since. I never considered her a hallucination or "my 1st visual hallucination" because I honestly forgot all about her. Until today.
I was at work and things had been really busy for about 30 minutes. At 1 point I was the only 1 on my side making food because the other person had to fry and refill some things. I had a few seconds where I didn't have any orders on my screen. I glanced up front at the register to see a whole line of people still yet to order, but behind them I saw her. She was outside the front door of the store starring in. When people came to the door she didn't even move. My coworker had to get my attention to make the orders that were staring to come in. Every so often I would have a second to rest. I'd look over and there she was just standing, shoulders hunched, head down, hair like long drapes framing her thin and bloody face. She looks to be around 12 years of age. She still looks how she used to. When I saw her I totally had a flash back in my mind of going back to playing in the woods behind our house and finding her standing by a tree. I could hear her breathing hard. She growled at me almost how Used To Be does. She doesn't seem to be violent. She just stands there.
Anyway, I wonder about the reappearance of this old hallucination.
I do not see her as I write this, but she was at my work for a while. I do not know if she'll be back or not or why she was back at all. Used To Be is here though. She is curled up sleeping against my leg as I write this. She is so much more docile than she used to be. I do hope that some of the others do not return. I fear mostly the frog people. At times I miss 252, the months, the days, and even The 3. Used To Be visits more than the others from Tyrenia, but she tells me all is well with everyone.
I haven't seen any distortion hallucinations in a little while. No melting faces or split level people. No warped floors are upside down faces either. My mood is starting to stabilize today since it has been a little wilder than normal the past few days. Intrusive thoughts are beginning again and social awkwardness is at an all time high. I mixed emotions earlier today. A friend was happy and for some reason I asked her if she was mad. Another girl was laughing and I told her "I'm sorry" because I mixed it up with crying. Sometimes Im a dingus. Thats okay though.
I'm starting to lose focus so Ima finish this.
Take care of yourselves.
Love, A Schizophrenic
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