Making it through every day life as some one living with schizophrenia can be extremely tough. Going to college....well that can make it more difficult as well. It may even seem impossible at times.
College is full of opportunity, new experiences, and stressful expectations. When I first arrive to college, I was petrified. It was such a last minute thing for many reasons, had no job yet, I did not know anyone, and I was 6 hours away from home and in another state. I had to get settled on my own. I had to jump through hoops all over this new place just to get registered and financial aid worked out. I needed books too. I had an audition and rehearsals to run to. That sounds like an average beginning, but I was battling against schizophrenia at the time.
My university helped me inform my professors of my needs and helped me find ways to communicate with multiple doctors in multiple states. I was learning to keep myself on a strict daily schedule. I absolutely hated it. I hated fitting medication time in to my schedule. I hated that I took my exams in another room room from the other students. It made me angry that an alternative testing site actually helped in some cases. As a musician, I was frustrated that others could hear without hallucinations. I was embarrassed when I would begin speaking to someone only to realize they were not actually real. There were times I could not see to read music or see the board in class because a hallucination thought it necessary to stand where ever I looked. Professors thought I was unorganized. They thought I did not care because I often forgot things even if I wrote it down.They told me I needed to consider changing my major on several occasions. Many thought it necessary to tell me what was best for me when they had no idea the daily battle I, and several students, were facing. Everyone told me I should go to counseling. They didn't realize I was having as many as 4 psychiatrist/ psychologist visits a week. I hated coming out of a delusion that made think I had been cured or healed only to have to tell people it was just a schizophrenic delusion. I hated every waking second of being me because of the schizophrenia.
Learning to live with schizophrenia is a process. It is a process that takes time, trial and error, and inhuman amounts of patience. It is something that I still working on. I wanted to write this story to anyone living with or battling against a disorder of any kind. There are going to be times where you hate your disorder. There may be times where you feel so incapable and so excluded from everything and everyone else. I encourage you to push through. Push through your frustrations, hurt, confusion, overwhelms, and obstacles. Be the person that over comes in the face of adversity when no one else can. It will not be easy. It may take much longer than you thought, but keep moving.
One of the biggest most difficult things for anyone is learning your limits. I had to figure out ways to schedule things so that I was not overwhelmed with life. This meant taking fewer classes and allowing more mental break time. If things aren't working, talk with your therapist to figure out why. Trial and error. Try to be patient with yourself. There were times I would get so angry at myself that I could not function. It all goes back to taking time. Take time for yourself.
You never have to do something you do not want to do. We've all been in situations where we've felt obligated to do something or go somewhere that was stressful. It is okay to tell others "no." They will survive. I had to learn this the hard way. I had began to run myself ragged and was afraid to stop moving. One day my therapist told me to stop moving for 10 minutes a day. At 1st, I could only stop for 2 minutes, then 5, and so on. During one of my 10 minute stops, I heard music. It was a hallucination, but I decided to write it down. I had been taking aural skills classes so I decided to put it to use. I wrote down what I had heard and then wrote some more. At night, I began to dream in music. I would write it down when I woke up. I'd put all of these musical thoughts together and make compositions of them. When I am writing or playing music everything stops. Even though those moments are filled with music, those are the quietest moments. Those are the moments that taught me to see the beauty in my imperfections. That was the start of learning to live with schizophrenia instead of fighting against it.
There are still days where I struggle. There are days where I can't make complete sentences and struggle to remember my name. I still get impatient with myself. I still self harm. I still do a lot of things, but I am learning to be at peace. I am learning to live with rather than fight against schizophrenia.
I hope that the reader will find something that gives them even just a moment of peace. And in that peace, a moment of self love and patience.
Love, A Schizophrenic
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