I take people for granted

I remember being a kid and riding up to see my aunt and cousins. Other family members would fly in from all over to be with us for thanksgiving. It seemed perfect. We would all sit and eat, buy most of the time was spent laughing. We laughed, told stories, and played games for hours. It seemed like everyone was so happy and everything was so perfect. Evem after my mom died we all still met. It wasn't the same without her but it was still good.
After my dad remarried I didnt get to see my family as much. I only ever get to see my step moms family now. That is mainly why I don't go home anymore. I can't handle the drama and all that comes with her family. I'm not related to those people. If I cared maybe it wouldn't ve so bad, but they aren't my family. If it were my family I would be alright. They aren't though and we don't get along so I usually go to my bestfriend's for Thanksgiving.
It seems like I met all of her family in the past 3 days. I tried to stay out of the way because I feel uncomfortable around too many new people. I also didn't want to be in the way. They are her family and I didn't want to interrupt anything. It made me missy family though. I wish I could go back home to my family but because of my step mom they don't invite us anymore. I'd rather it not be that way, but for the sake of politeness I suppose I have no option. Long story short, don't take your family for granted because you never know when someone will try to take them away.
         Love, a schizophrenic.

Wait...It isn't Friday yet?

  Seriously though...shouldn't it be Friday by now? That should tell you how my week is going. I guess in all actuality it has been a great week. My what ever is going on with my body is getting better it seems. The lymph nodes are going down by like 95%, but are still sore. I think the medicine just took longer than planned to work. Thank God it is working though. I also got some good news about health insurance. I found a plan that helps me with psych ward hospitalizations which is what I am more concerned with. Also, one of my education professors told me that she could see me being a teacher. That's good because that is kinda my goal right now. My friend I mentioned in the last post ended up getting the solo, but I think  was more excited than he was. So all in all, everything is good. I'm just tired and ready for thanksgiving break.
  Now to more topics I prefer to talk about on my blog...
  Earlier I was skimming through Facebook and found something about creepy abandoned places. Naturally, my mind went to old schools, hotels, and amusement parks. That was what I got for the most part. Then, I got to an old insane asylum. I wasn't offended by this because the picture did look pretty creepy whether it was an asylum or not. What got me was how many times I've clicked on things similar to this and there is usually 1 abandoned asylum if not more. They are always described as being creepy, melancholy, and haunted by patients and faculty. There is usually some story about why the building was built the way it was, because we all know that mental illness is contagious, or about why it was shut down. I found myself wondering why it is that people find asylums in particular so frightening. I guess they let their Hollywood filled imaginations run wild about who used to be there and for what. I can't be mad a people for that, but I am a little saddened by it. We shouldn't be afraid of people with mental illnesses. I've overheard people on my college campus talking about how frightening it must be to live with someone who has a diagnosed mental illness. I've even had friends mention it to me. That is usually when I lovingly tell them that what they believe is stupid. Then, naturally, the attempt an argument. I usually win these with "My proof is I'm am schizophrenic. What is your proof?" If they have anything to say by this point, it is usually something along the lines of "Wow. I had no idea. I couldn't even tell." Well, how would you be able to tell? What if I sat rocking in a corner repeating the same thing over and over? Would you be able to tell then? Every once in a long while, I come across the idiot who is dumb enough to actually try and give me proof. The best part? The answer always starts with, "In this movie I saw once..."
  Anyway, my point is similar to the majority of my post. EDUCATE YOURSELVES! Read a book, talk to someone with experience, read an article on a trusted website, or go on YouTube. Several people with mental illness make videos to help others understand. Just find some reliable source and until you do...shut up. Don't let the dumb escape. That might actually be contagious...I try not to be rude most of the time, but today I decided that I don't care. Goodbye.
                                                                 Love, a schizophrenic

recording day 2

Day two of recording went pretty well I think. We got to do 2 of my favorite things: sleep in and make music. I wouldn't have life any other way. My reeds are shot though and I need to order another box soon. I don't really have much to say except that soooooooo good night.
                                                      Love, a schizophrenic

recording day 1

  Normally on weekends I watch some football (go heels!) and then play in a church on Sunday with symphonic band. This weekend we started recording for our Christmas CD. We did songs with our rhythm section today. Tomorrow will be concert pieces and vocal team will record later...and we get free food.

  It went well I thought. The only thing that I wasn't so fond of was when our director gave the bassoon player a tenor saxophone solo. Our bassoonist is a jazz saxophonist, but it still didn't seem fair to me that he would take a solo that the tenor sax player had prepared and worked on. I was pretty made about that and also the fact that he didn't even ask to hear me play it. I was pretty upset as was the other tenor player. I understand that the director wants to do what sounds best, but he could have at least told us that is what was going to happen instead of just giving the solo to someone WHO DOESN'T EVEN PLAY IN THAT PIECE! Maybe if he had told us in advance I wouldn't be as upset, but I'd still probably be pretty upset. That just isn't okay. 

  As far as my health goes, I think I mentioned this last time, I'm still kinda sick. The medicine I was on only made 1 lymph node go down and the one behind my jaw managed to get larger while I was taking it. It got large enough that it started to hurt when I tried to turn my head in either direction. I'm still bleeding a bit but not as much today. A couple days ago it was pretty bad. I haven't bled from my gums or lips any so that is a plus. I feel tired a bit but I think that just may be because I'm bleeding and anemic. I also am having a hard time staying hydrated. I have to drink like 600 bottle of water a minute. (That definitely wasn't an exaggeration and this definitely isn't sarcasm) My doctor wanted me to wait 2 more weeks to go it, but I think I may call in Monday and talk to them. 

  I also found out about what happened in France. This world is sick. Something in peoples minds and hearts is getting twisted. I wonder if the people that did that knew they would end up there since they were a child or if they wanted to be doctors or teachers. I wonder what happened, what went wrong, and where? I would like to say that I can't imagine the kinda of hatred that it takes to do something like that. Unfortunately, I think I can though. I used to hate my step brother. I even tried to stab him. I fought him several times. If I weren't a Christian at the time and fighting this battle inside myself, I probably would have killed him and been all too happy about it. Everyday I faced that battle inside of who I wanted to follow. I wanted to hate him so bad, but I knew because I had Jesus in me that I shouldn't. I fought against my mind to do what was right. I'm not blaming my schizophrenia for this battle. This battle was all me. I've always been a hateful person. I was the problem child growing up. I always started the fights and was always hurting someone physically or verbally. I was never all that happy. It wasn't until I got saved that it all changed. I know that if God can change me than he can also change the people that attacked France. I think we should pray for the victims and their families but also the attackers as well. Even they aren't too far gone for God to reach them.

I have to go do laundry now.

                                                                     Love, a schizophrenic

Not so good.

I feel like a giant pile of crap shoving my way out a fly's butt. I'm tired and weak feeling. I have lymph nodes swelling so that it looks like I have a twin sprouting off me. Even after taking antibiotics, only 1 has gone down. The one behind my jaw has basically doubled in size in a matter of 3 days and it hurts like stupid and I am bleeding. A lot. My dr says I am anemic because of it. I have to go see a specialist, but I don't have insurance and I don't make enough to get insurance or get help with it. Plus there is a guy I like like and he has no idea. >:( Keep praying for me. Thank
                                                                 Love, a schizophrenic

Nervous

  We all know that life in general can be super stressful at times, but stress doesn't even being to describe the anxiety that I am feeling right now. It is my first senior year of college. I have a percussion exam to prepare for today and I'm not feeling so great about it. I have to perform on saxophone tomorrow and my parents are actually getting to come! The problem with that is because they are coming on a Thursday instead of the weekend, I on'y get to see them for like a couple hours maybe. I'm praying that God will make it to where I can be with them as much as possible since I hardly ever see them. They usually come to visit 2 or 3 times a year since I can't go see them. I have so many rehearsals, meetings, service projects, exams to study and practice for, grades to meet, and I'm sick. With what? No one knows. I have several swollen lymph nodes all over my body. I've heard that can be a normal thing, but it has never happened to me before. My dr has done some test so they'll call me soon and let me know what they find. I feel fine, but I am still worried. My mind is getting the best of me at this point in time. I also still owe about $2,000 on my school bill this semester. I've been trying to work and pay it off. I've also been trying to get my saxophone fixed. I am having to play on my instructors sax since mine is in the shop. I just want MY horn back. I'm a little emotionally drained as well because my best friend is graduating this December and there is a guy I like but he doesn't like me back. Things are weird. I have to go rehearse with my accompanist now.
                                                                        Love, a stressed out schizophrenic.