Self harm;

Many of us have self harmed before or have at least thought about/ been tempted to at some point in our lives. Self harm is a fairly common thing in this day. This could be cutting, choking, rubber banding, or even forcing yourself to eat something in a non healthy way.
 A short conversation at work brought this topic to my mind. I will not be using coworker's names or genders for this out of respect for privacy. Any names in my post may be altered or already hae permission to be used. Coworker A saw a scar on Coworker  B's arm and asked "Is that from cutting?" Coworker B said "yes, actually." The conversation continued and Coworker B stated that the scar was the only visible self harm scar they had and that the other is concealed by a tattoo. I then stated that I have lots visible on my arms. Then, in blabber mouth fashion, I said I also have them on my legs, stomach, and a small one on my throat from where I attempted to slit my own throat. Coworker B said "Oh, I didn't know that." This coworker and I have been friends for several years now is why I didn't mind sharing this info and just talking about things. I went on to explain that I have command hallucinations from schizophrenia (the coworker already knew of my diagnosis.)
Why on earth would I ever tell anyone any of that stuff? Why would I bring it up at work? If these were people I didn't know I may not have taken place in the conversation at all to be honest. Some of you may be more open and that's great, but I do like to get to know people a bit before I say much. I do realize it is important to talk about these things. Why? Educating people on these things is a necessity. People need to know that maybe they aren't the only one dealing with something. Maybe they need advice, or don't know where to start if they are seeking help. Maybe they've been a douche to someone because of someone's self harm or even caused it and the conversation may help them think a bit more. Maybe someone needs to see that they can get through whatever it is they are dealing with. Maybe they need to know there is more life to come and that things aren't over. ( That's the ; in the title.) That may seem really deep for a work conversation, but if I am there 8 hours a day then I practically live there and they are family. Also, just because I know someone from work doesn't mean I don't care for them as a human being.
Why am I making ANOTHER post about it? It is something that NEVER goes away. It may for you and it may for me, but it may not for someone else. There is always someone somewhere dealing with this and if they happen to come across this page and deem it helpful then it was all worth it. If they don't, at least I tried. What are you doing? It is a problem that needs addressing.
If you or anyone you know is dealing with this, please do not be afraid to seek help. You aren't gonna get locked away in a psych ward for it. You're doctor will recommend a therapist and possibly a psychiatrist as well. Neither of those are reasons to be ashamed.
 Take care of yourselves and take care of each other.
Love, A Schizophrenic.

think before you tell

I usually don't mind telling people about having schizophrenia hints the blog. I do avoid telling certain people for many reasons. When I do spill the beans it usually isn't 1 of the first things I tell people about me.
The other day at work my beans were spilled when I didn't really want them to be. A coworker was talking about some people he knows and how they're schizophrenic. I froze when I heard the word. Do I say something or do I just shut up and ignore it? My friend that I work with goes "So is she!" My friend didn't mean to say something I didn't want said. He knows how open I am about it. My other co worker was like "really?" I told them yes and that I have disorganized type. Then we went on with our normal conversation.
I couldn't help but think about what had happened later after I got home. I've been trying to be more quiet about it lately. I don't want people to think I am seeking attention. I also know that it scares people. I am all about educating others, but sometimes there are things that we can tell others that they will never understand.
Tonight I had a conversation with my roommate. I told he about how I had been forced to go to chapel (I went to a private Christian School) even against my doctor's best judgement. My doctor and I both threatened to sue. I sent in a doctors note multiple times and explained schizophrenia symptoms lead to sensory overload which leads to anxiety and command hallucinations. I explained that the command hallucinations weren't telling me to do harmless things. They wanted me to kill other people. I told my roommate about what I had written. She didn't seem to be phased, but I couldn't help but think I had said too much. I wouldn't worry as much if I had said that to someone else who had command hallucinations or schizophrenia. It wouldn't scare them because they would understand. The general public is easily frightened. I am worried that I may be labelled as a murderer or a psycho because of these command hallucinations.
Don't be afraid to educate others and definitely do not be ashamed if you have something you can't help. Don't be surprised if someone freaks out or becomes afraid though. They'll never fully understand.
Think about things before you say them and think about who you're talking to. Some may not react as expected.
Take care of yourselves.
Love, A Schizophrenic. 

weird night

Last night was weird. Really weird. My roommate went to stay the night at a friends house so I was by myself in the room. I know my symptoms have been getting worse lately. Being alone doesn't help me when I am experiencing certain symptoms such as hallucinations, delusions, and confusion. 

I was laying down scrolling through facebook. Before that I was reading and had noticed things around me, but distant. I felt alone and cold. The more I scrolled the closer things got to me. Things I couldn't see, but could feel. I plugged my phone into charge and went to bed. I could hear them talking. They were talking about me to each other and flying in the space around me. I could see them perched on my door and on my dresser. I could see them perched on my roommates bed talking across the room to each other. I was in and out of sleep because of the noise they were making. 

I eventually got up and told them all to leave. I even turned on the light so I could see better to shew them all away. Once they all left I could finally sleep. It was all almost fairy tell like. It felt really weird. I don't know how to explain it. I wasn't afraid, but annoyed. I felt light, cold, and alone the whole time. It was just really weird.

Hallucinations are weird.

Be careful and take care of yourselves.

Love, A Schizophrenic.

The Mighty

I wrote a while back a post called "Schizophrenia and Demons"or something like that. Basically, I left a church and broke up with a friend because they said that I am schizophrenic because I am possessed. I was so upset by the things that happened that I wrote about it to The Mighty. Today, I received an email saying that they are gonna feature the story!
That is huge to me for a few reasons. I know of several Christians who have been belittled by the church because they have a mental disorder or take anti-psychs. Maybe this story will help them see that they are not alone. Many pastors speak about the "spirit of depression" and that kinda makes people not listen to you. I do not think that pastors should only say things to make people feel good. People should feel convicted when in church, that's a good thing. You shouldn't make people feel bad because they have a chemical imbalance in their brain. Preach what is biblical. Also, maybe it will catch one of those types of people's attention. Maybe they'll be educated. Maybe they'll realize how people are being scared away from churches or are keeping up a protective wall that is keeping them from being as much a part of the body as they'd like to be. Maybe it will normalize talking about these things.
I got super excited when I got the email. I will post more about it when I hear more news. I also have to say that I am kinda proud of myself. I've even stayed strong enough not to contact that person or church that did that to me. I ended the friendship. It was negative and she just went too far on too many occasions with no regret. Of course she tried denying everything when I confronted her of the issue. She went as far to say that "the lies you are believing are from the devil." I called her out. I told her that no they aren't. I asked the pastor does she believe I am possessed and she said yes. I ask my friend if she thought the same. She said no, but then tried to explain that mental disorders aren't real and that they're from the devil. Then she went into saying that I am either possessed or oppressed. She wouldn't make up her mind. She tried to play the poor me card when I confronted her. She was really upset when I told her I will not be at her wedding. THEN her fiance called a friend of mine and tried to make me look like the bad guy. My friend ended up shutting him down and shaming him. The whole thing turned into a big mess.
I am glad something is begin said. I know I am not the only one to have faced situations like these.
Stick up for yourselves and your friends.
Love, A Schizophrenic

A Bright Day

Today seems so much brighter and happier. I don't know why. Its like partly cloudy out and fairly warm for how it as been, my roomies are all home and we're chilling together, and I don't have to work today. Even in doors seems brighter.
My mock class went well. I did lots of things well and I have lots of things to improve upon so I am going to reschedule and try again within the next week. I got to have lunch with several friends today which was so much fun. They're all seniors in college and 1 is closer to my age, but the others are a couple years younger. It was nice having the old sym band squad back together. I wish they would be there when I start my masters, but they're graduating. They'll always be fam, but I know I will make new friends during my masters too.
Tonight I am going to a movie with a friend. I think we're gonna go see escape room. I'm kinda excited. I like seeing movies in theaters.
One thing has been odd. I often have hallucinations of music playing, but recently it as been much more. I used to just hear a cello playing, but not I might hear rap or county or even dub step. I used to write down what I heard, but it was difficult. I sometimes have music in my dreams and I write that down too. I've got a few compositions of music I heard in my dreams.
I hope your days are bright.
Take care of yourselves.
Love, A Schizophrenic.

new old hallucination?

Today was......a day I guess. I posted yesterday about healthy you taking care of sick you and day before yesterday's post was about an odd hallucination. I feel totally different than I did a few hours ago and am worried day before yesterday's worries may be correct.
When I was younger I had this hallucination of a girl. Not Mary. This girl and Mary are two completely different things. This girl I began seeing around 9 or 10 years old. I began taking anti-psychs around 12 years old. She disappeared not long after that and I haven't seen her since. I never considered her a hallucination or "my 1st visual hallucination" because I honestly forgot all about her. Until today.
I was at work and things had been really busy for about 30 minutes. At 1 point I was the only 1 on my side making food because the other person had to fry and refill some things. I had a few seconds where I didn't have any orders on my screen. I glanced up front at the register to see a whole line of people still yet to order, but behind them I saw her. She was outside the front door of the store starring in. When people came to the door she didn't even move. My coworker had to get my attention to make the orders that were staring to come in. Every so often I would have a second to rest. I'd look over and there she was just standing, shoulders hunched, head down, hair like long drapes framing her thin and bloody face. She looks to be around 12 years of age. She still looks how she used to. When I saw her I totally had a flash back in my mind of going back to playing in the woods behind our house and finding her standing by a tree. I could hear her breathing hard. She growled at me almost how Used To Be does. She doesn't seem to be violent. She just stands there.
Anyway, I wonder about the reappearance of this old hallucination.
I do not see her as I write this, but she was at my work for a while. I do not know if she'll be back or not or why she was back at all. Used To Be is here though. She is curled up sleeping against my leg as I write this. She is so much more docile than she used to be. I do hope that some of the others do not return. I fear mostly the frog people. At times I miss 252, the months, the days, and even The 3. Used To Be visits more than the others from Tyrenia, but she tells me all is well with everyone.
I haven't seen any distortion hallucinations in a little while. No melting faces or split level people. No warped floors are upside down faces either. My mood is starting to stabilize today since it has been a little wilder than normal the past few days. Intrusive thoughts are beginning again and social awkwardness is at an all time high. I mixed emotions earlier today. A friend was happy and for some reason I asked her if she was mad. Another girl was laughing and I told her "I'm sorry" because I mixed it up with crying. Sometimes Im a dingus. Thats okay though.
I'm starting to lose focus so Ima finish this.
Take care of yourselves.
Love, A Schizophrenic

new hallucination

So, I saw a hallucination the other day that I have never seen before. I have hallucinations all the time. Some are recurring, some come and go, some are always there or only appear at certain times or with certain emotion things, and some leave as quickly as the appear never to return. This one was frightening. It wasn't because of what it was, but because I didn't realize it wasn't real at 1st. The reason that is slightly worrisome is that means I could be about to have a psychotic break. When I get to where I cannot tell fact from fantasy is when I know things are getting bad. I eventually realized it was a hallucination once I got over the surprise of it being there so it may not be as bad as I think.
I had been hanging out with my roomies just watching a show on hulu when I went upstairs to go to the bathroom. I notices something odd in the mirror by the stairs as I passed it. I didn't think much of it. Then, I saw it again. This time in the corner by the upstairs linen closet. That corner is kinda dark because we never really turn on the light there so I just convinced myself that my eyes were just messing with me....even though I knew I just saw it a second ago.
I keep moving and go into the bathroom. I walk by the mirror and there it is plan as day. I just stood and starred at it. It was this cluster of faces that looked like they had been sculpted. Some faces looked like people I knew. I saw my sisters face. Others where complete strangers. It was the oddest thing. I haven't seen it today, but I wonder if I will see it again. It was really weird. If I see it again, I'll write about it.
Take care of yourselves.
Love, A Schizophrenic 

Demons and schizophrenia

I was going to finish writing about the awkward friend drama from this past semester, but something just happened that I want to address.
First , Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior. I have accepted Jesus into my heart. Second, I was diagnosed at the age of 17 with disorganized schizophrenia.
So here is what just happened:
I went to a church with my friend, Hannah. The church seemed great the 1st time I went last wednesday. They were all kind, welcoming, and obviously wanted people to be there. I told Hannah that I would love to go back.
Today, I went with her and her husband and another 1 of our friends. The worship was great. I tend to be a more quiet worshipper so while everyone else was dancing or raising hands while standing at the alter, I remained standing in front of my seat praising God. It was a longer worship service because The Holy Spirit showed up and began to move on people through out the service. Then, as things calmed a bit, one of the pastors began to speak. She lead through a prayer and into more worship for a few more minutes.
After the worship she began speaking about the promises and gifts from God. She started talking about generational curses being a foot hold for satan and his demons. So far, it all makes since. If a person has a weakness of drug addiction than they will probably be more tempted to use drugs when something happens. Then, she mentions mental illness. She said "depression and schizophrenia." Then began talking of demons causing those things.
I went to her after the service and asked to clarify what she meant. She was kind and not preachy. To clarify she did state that I'm still welcome at the church and she won't judge. This blog post is NOT to rip on her or that church. Through a rather 1 sided discussion, she basically stated that schizophrenia and mental disorders are demons and that medication destroys people. She gave personal experiences as proof for her opinion saying that she had been delivered from "a spirit of depression." She even talked about joy as if it were mere happiness. Joy is from God and is eternal because it is a characteristic of God. I can be sad and still have Joy. Happiness and sadness die on this earth. Joy is in God and therefore is eternal. It is not related to gray matter, serotonin or dopamine.
I left and walk home. As I was in the parking lot, Hannah caught up to me. Hannah seems to think I am being "demon oppressed." I told her I'm not mad at her. I just don't want to go to a church where people think I'm covered in demons.
I cannot believe that it is almost 2019 and there are still people out there that think mental illnesses are caused by demons. Mental disorder are just that. We don't tell the person with cancer or chrone's disease that they have demons so why would we say that to a persons whose brain (the brain is an organ) is simply working differently?
This message IS NOT TO THE CHURCH. This is for those of you that have been told the same thing and for those who think all Christians are so ignorant. I am here to tell you, yes demons exist but they aren't always the cause of these things. I'm.also writing this to tell you that not every Christian is going to tell you that you have demons. If you can pray and confess Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior you are not demons possessed and probably not even oppressed. Christians and non believers out there with mental disorders, keep praying. God may heal you on Earth, but he may heal you after you leave it too. Please don't let someones ignorance push you away from God. Hold your head high and keep fighting your battle.
If you are someone who agrees with that pastor's opinion, please educate yourself before you start trying to exercise demons out of people. Also, don't be confused in none come out. Its probably just someone with a mental DISORDER whose brain WORKS DIFFERENTLY. Some medication may help and other won't, but keep praying.
Love, A God worshipping, Prayer speaking, Jesus loving, JOYFUL, medicated, Schizophrenic.