My mother's voice

Yesterday, I was just chilling and cooking some dinner. I was home alone. While standing in kitchen, I heard my mom's voice say "schizophrenia." At 1st I only heard it one time, but as the evening progressed she just kept saying it.
I hate when I have hallucinations of her. She died when I was a 12 and I don't remember her much. I am hurt by the loss of someone I, for what ever reason, can't remember much of. I remember the night she died all too clearly though. Usually when she is apart of a hallucination it is of her dead, but still alive. She walks to me with her eyes back in her head, the foam is still coming out of her mouth, she walks towards me saying "help me. Help me." ( I think she's saying that because when I was a kid she would have seizures. Oddly, she was able to repeat the words "help me" while she was seizing.) Then, she sticks her arms out reaching for me. Even though her eyes are rolled back she is always able to see me and follow me. I hate that I have to run from my own mother. I hate that the only time I ever hear her voice is during hallucinations.
People, enjoy your parents while you have them. One day they won't be there or, at least, won't be there in a pleasant form.
Love, A Schizophrenic

The jeff Files: irritated

1st off, sorry it has been a bit since I've been on here. I'll explain in a post to follow this one.
Anyway, lets add this to The Jeff Files.
A few weeks ago, I was helping a coworker. The next day, Jeff checked the work only because of the person who did it, and then made him do it all again. As they were talking, I was around the corner working on something else. I heard him say that workers like me are lazy and self entitled. He said that wotkers like me "don't give a s%#t" and that I should never be trusted to do actual work. Pissed, I went to.my boss man. He knows I am not lazy and that I work whenever I can and put everything I have into my work. All that for someone who is an assistant manager to wait until he thought I couldn't hear him to call me lazy. For real?
Yes, there are lazy people in this generation. Guess what. There are also lazy people in the previous.generation. Anyway, don't be lazy.
Love, A Schizophrenic

There was a time when I feared them. A time that I would not go into the dark. They were everywhere. There was a time when I was a slave to my own mind. The torture I dealt with was too much. I cut. Sometimes to see the pain, or to see something real for a change. Sometimes it was my choice. Sometimes it was because they told me to. If I said "no" they'd bite. There bites hurt worse than cuts. There was  time my step mom thought I was demon possessed. There were times she said "oppressed."
Today these things are worked through. Today they still exist, but I have been trained to deal with it. Deal with it so I don't scare you.
Happy Independence Day
Love, A Schizophrenic

Speak of the devil...

And he shall appear. Today, a guy I work with went with me to taco bell for lunch. We'd been there for maybe 30 minutes eating and Tyler walks in. I didn't see him come in, but my coworker did. He goes "Hey! There's your friend that used to work here!" "What's his name? Tyler?" I immediately shushed him and mouthed the words "we aren't friends anymore." We tried to carry on our conversation, but my coworker kept laughing. I noticed other people in the dining area laughing. I over heard a guy at the table by us ask his buds "is that appropriate?" I almost turned to look and see what they were talking about. I asked my coworker what he was laughing at. "He is wearing tight yoga pants." About that time the employee calls Tyler's name to give him his order. He walked out the door I was facing. He was wearing his blue tank top he always wears and tight black yoga pants. My coworker died laughing. "You could see everything." He said. I explained to my coworker that Tyler does ballet and the dance studio.he goes to is almost next door to the restaurant. 

The thing is that I had another dream about him last night. He wasn't in the dream, but the dream was about him. I don't really remember much of it at all. I just know it was about him. Anyway, I kinda felt bad for him. Literally everyone in the store that I could see without turning around was laughing at him. I imagine the people behind me were also laughing because I did hear them make some comments too. He seems to be dragging himself down a lot lately. I cut him out of my life and yet everyone still finds it necessary to tell me all about him.

Friends, justice sometimes serves itself. People will get what comes to them and a lot of the time you don't have to do anything to make that happen. Stay calm and stay out of the way and your enemies will often drag themselves down. 

Love, A Schizophrenic

Carson's Last Chapter

You're probably wondering why I randomly started writing about Carson....and why I am for the 2nd time today. The reason is that today, I watched the movie The War. I tried all that summer to get people to sit down and watch it all the way through with me. No one would except Carson. I told him it is 1 of my all time favorites and before I could even tell him about it he wanted to watch it. So, we did. Anyway on to the events.
He and I had just eaten dinner, his treat, at a place called City Cafe. We split a cake.he is the only person I know of that can eat his share and what was left of mine. We hopped into his car and headed to campus. He said that he needed to talk to me, but he wanted to wait after dinner. I immediately felt like a ton of bricks had fallen on me. "I am transferring. I won't be back to Lee." He said this and I didn't know what to think. 1st 1 "best friend" quits talking to me and now this guy I really like has to leave. At the same time he ws finally getting out of this town he hates so much and away from his crapbag of a family. Also, I ws furious. When was he gonna tell me? Why would he allow himself to get close if he knew it was only temporary?
"I just made the decision." He said. He told me that he had talked with records and admissions here and other schools including USC. He said it was far away without being out of the country and has many degrees offered in the fields he wants to study. He had to make a quick decision. He was going out there 4 months early in search of a job until the next semester starts. He would be in town for 2 more weeks after he dropped the bricks. I begged him to get social media, but he wouldn't. He doesn't like being tied down by technology and instant news. Now I guess he has a.new phone and lost my number. I don't want to talk much more of this now, but I may go into more detail.about Carson later.
Relationships hurt.
Love, A Schizophrenic

The secret about Carson

Last night's post was me spilling beans on a secret. No one knew about Carson until then. Now, to shed some light onto the beginning of the story.
The guy that I called my friend was Tyler. He and I, I thought, were pretty good friends. Unfortunately I had a little crush on him that was hard to break even after he told me is gay. Eventually, I stopped liking him like that and thought of him more as a brother. But, as I should have known from my past, brothers can't be trusted. That couple months or so that he was gone was when I met Carson. Carson made all thoughts of anyone else leave my mind. It was oddly refreshing. I didn't speak to Tyler and he didn't speak to me. The day he got back on campus, I was with Carson. He and I were walking around together. We saw him and I'm sure he saw us. We all just ignored each other. Of course  Carson didn't know to intentionally ignore him because they had never even met. Or so I thought.
I knew tyler had been sleeping around that previous semester because he would tell me. Some of my other gay friends said that they "knew" him. So, later I explained to Carson why I was so quiet when he passed by. "That name sounds familiar." He told me as we got to the music building. I showed him a picture. "I know him. He tried to get with my brother." I was in shock. I was hoping to get away from all of that. This brought on the whole "I didn't know you had a brother" thing which led to a much needed subject change.
Anyway, for a while I thought that explained why Tyler didn't speak to me that semester and why he wouldn't respond to my text. Maybe that was it. Maybe it wasn't.
Remembering all of this and getting to where I was ready to talk must have messed with my head some. Last night I dreamed I was at a party. Tyler was there. For a second, I let my guard down and let him see me smile. We were looking at something and talking. In my dream I thought, "maybe we can still be friends." I felt so happy. Maybe it is because I am thinking about not ignoring him. I don't want to talk to him, but maybe acknowledge his presence in a room or something. Also, I don't want to deal with that. He'd make it to be all my fault.
Anyway, secrets and thinking can eat away at you. Be careful.
Love, A Schizophrenic

A Summer's Love Story

Sometimes I just want to disappear. That summer was no different. There was a guy I really thought I liked. He left for a couple months towards the end of summer. While he was gone we didn't talk. I am okay with that.
One evening it was blistering outside. All the kids flocked to the river where the trees canopy over the swimming hole. Just down about a rock's toss was my favorite secret. The water was clear as day and the trees made just the right amount of shade, but didn't leave their branches to crowd the water. The high rocks on the far bank made perfect jumping spots. You could barely hear the kids in the other swimming hole. It was peaceful. I snuck off there many times those evenings. Mainly I did just to think and be alone.
I had been there maybe all of 5 minutes when I heard someone coming. I jumped up to leave. "You don't have to go anywhere." He said. A smile swept across his face and his green eyes lite up. "My name is Carson. I go to Lee." He sat down next to where I ws standing and dangled his feet into the water. I sat back down and joined him. Of course I was thinking stranger danger, but in that moment's mood I didn't care what happened. He told me more about himself. I gave him my name. We began to talk. Soon we were laughing a joking around. "Carson! Where are you?!" We heard a woman yell behind us. He told me to hide. I hid behind a boulder as she came closer. "Yer daddys lookin for you! Get back to the house now!" She hollered. "Meet me here at 6 tomorrow." He whispered before he ran off. That I did.
I climbed througb the bushes to see him swimming in the water. "Hey!" He climbed out. His eye was black and swollen on the left side of his face. Of course he gabe an excuse, but later that summer he revealed to me that his father was quite the abuser and his mom the enabler. That summer we snuck off everyday together in the evening. I told all my friends I was going to.bed, but I was really going to meet up with Carson. We kept each other calm company. Thats what we both needed. Some days we sat by the river, sometimes we swam, other days we'd walk for miles that only seemed like a few feet together. His smile always cheered me up. He said my adventurous side always gave him meaning. The last day I saw him he said he was transferring schools. Said he had to get out of this place and away from the people. He told me if I ever needed him I knew where to find him.
Today I went back to that secret spot.
Love, A Schizophrenic

Here's to George

When I was a kid my family loved near south statesville. My grandparents were just dowm the road and my school was around the corner. There were plenty of kids in the neighborhood. My friends Tammy and Hosea and I played a lot. I would go and sit on Mott's front porch and she'd sit with me. She always had stories to tell. This story is from was told to me by my dad. I don't remember it, but I remember George.
 There was a man who lived in an apartment across the street from her. I'll call him George. I never knew his actual name. George would pace his balcony back and forth all day every day. One day, George saw me playing in the road. He also saw a car coming towards me. My parents also saw, but could not get to me. They were a few houses down the street. George was closer. He ran down his stairs and snatched me out of the way just before the car hit me. The vehicle raced by as if the person driving had no clue as to what just happened. A few seconds later my parents reached me. They thanked him and invited him over for dinner. He accepted. We had beans, biscuits, mac n cheese, and apple pie. Mama asked George how he'd been. He said he's been alright. He kept tapping his forearms all throughout supper. After dessert and talking for a bit, George thanked my parents and went home. He went back to pacing on his balcony.
I was about 2 at the time. I saw George almost every day it seemed for the next 3 years. He'd be pacing back and forth on his balcony. Some times he'd be gone for a while, but then another day he'd be there doing the same thing. Pacing. He was a good man.
One day I realized it been too long since I'd seen George. I asked my mama where he went. "Honey, George had something called paranoid schizophrenia. He hanged himself a few weeks ago and his family found him."
At the time, I didn't know really what that meant. Somedays I hopped she was wrong and I'd see him on his balcony, but I never did. Hollywood and the media would lile to have us believe that people should fear mental illness. They want people to think that they should fear others who habe mental disorders. That is dumb. George was a hero. Thanks George.
Love, A Schizophrenic