They aren't gonna lock you away

Many of us know people who are afraid to get help with their mental health. It was frightening for me at 1st too. I've recently had several conversations with multiple people regarding their fears of visiting a psychologist. Many are afraid that they will be carted off and locked away. They think that they are so beyond help that someone would rather throw them in a pit than speak to them an hour a week.This cannot be further from the truth. I wanted to shed some light on the process and hopefully settle some fears for a few folks. Let me tell you about my experience with getting help the 1st time.
I was about 12 years old. Some rough things had happened in my family and a friend of my brother had try o do things to me that no one should do to a child...or anyone else for that matter. My father did the best he knew to do. Over the next couple weeks he started taking me to see a therapist. I've seen a therapist pretty much every week since then. I've had different ones because my family moved around quite a bit. Never have any of them told me I was too gone to help. Usually on the first day, you do some simple intake forms. These forms have basic questions that help the psychologist learn more about you so they can help more. The forms ask questions about your mood, any diagnosis you may have, and about your thoughts of yourself. Then you go and speak to your psychiatrist. If you are a minor, they may speak with you and your guardian or just your guardian 1st. After a couple weeks the "get to know you" stuff is pretty much out of the way and you are really able to start talking more by then. Your psychiatrist will help you figure out ways to cope with things. Self harm is a big thing I struggle with and it took a long time for my psychologist and I to figure out strategies. Several times I walked into the office with slices and bruises up my arms. My therapist never once "locked me away." She did ask me if I needed to go to a hospital and when I said "no" she asked me to sign a paper promising I wouldn't harm myself any worse within the next week. There were times when I broke down and said "yes." My therapist said "okay" then called the front desk to have them escort my father to the room. From there we were able to work out a way for me to get more help. I have had more than my fair share of time in psych wards as well. A friend of my recently attempted to "run away" because they found out their family was considering taking them to a hospital to get help.
For many of us, that is how the story starts. One day you think everyone around you has lost their minds and the next day you find yourself wearing non slip socks and talking in group therapy. Some people ask me if the wards really are like the movies. That's an understandable question. How is one to know if they've never been? I begin by explaining there are a few different types of wards. There are youth psych wards for people under the age of 18. I've been to several of them. 1st, there is a physical exam. They mark down every scar, bruise, burn, and scratch. They take your shoes (you can strangle yourself with the laces.) Some make you remove the underwire of your bra. You can do some deep stabbing with those things. You remove all piercings and jewelry and even the draw string of your pjs. All these things are placed in a bag for you that you get back at the end of your stay. Your days are scheduled out on a white board in a common room. Breakfast is usually around 7 or 8 am followed by medicine time. There is usually free time after that. Most people use this time to shower or get dressed. Normal day clothes are usually allowed. You have to check out a razor to shave and return later. Then there is some form of group time. Some places would also have school time and teachers would come in to help. Most places like this have lost funding and are being shut down. You may have a snack time later followed by more medicine time. There are puzzles, books, a tv, and sometimes video games or something to keep people occupied. Some places do outside time. You have to o through security to get in or out so its more of a hassle than its worth sometimes. There are adult wards too. These both usually have patients stay for no more than a week on a voluntary bases. When you leave they help you find a psychiatrist.
Then there are the long term hospitals. If you're from NC like I am then you may have heard of Broughton State Mental Institution. These are more long term places, but the basic idea is the same. Doctors usually do want to help.
Take are of yourselves. Get help if you need it.
Love, A Schizophenic

ways to avoid self harm

I realize lately I have been posting more about myself and less about things that deal with mental health/ schizophrenia. I wanted to post about self harm again because I think it is big issue many people in society face today.
Many things can trigger self harm, command hallucinations, or thoughts of suicide. Some people are especially subject to severe mood changes due to certain brain disorders. You know this if you are living with bipolar disorder, major depressive disorder, or any of the schizoid disorders. There are several others as well. Weather conditions, lack of sunlight, little or too much human interaction can also be factors that lead someone's mind to self harm/ suicidal thoughts. Some even have command hallucinations that tell them to do things they may not want to do....or if your kinda bad off, you may not know you don't wan to do those things until its too late. So...how can we tell if we're at a place where these may be thoughts popping into someone else's mind? What do we do if that person is ourselves?
Really you can never really know what is going on in someones mind unless they tell you. Sometimes, they will not tell you verbally. It may be in small actions here or there. Look for the person not eating, not showering, or forcing themselves to vomit even. All of those are forms of self harm. It isn't just hitting yourself or cutting yourself. If that's you then you need to get help. Find someone you trust and let them help you. You aren't going to be carted off and locked away for ever. You can go see a therapist without being institutionalized. The therapist can help you deal with the symptom (self harm) and try and find a cause in the mean time. It may be that life is rough, it may be depression and you may have to go to a psychiatrist for medical help. Once again, they aren't going to cart you off unless they deem you a danger to yourself or others. Even then you'll go to a ward and stay a week and then go home. I can write about this later.
What I do when I feel myself slipping to that place again? I treat the symptom until I can identify and correct the cause. I go outside, I play saxophone, paint, play video games, watch a movie, play sports, calla friend. Do something to keep your mind going in a positive direction until you can identify and treat the cause.
Please, tell someone if you or someone you know may be dealing with self harm or thoughts of suicide.
Take care of yourselves and take care of each other.
Love, A Schizophrenic. 

I Passed!

I passed my mock class last night! No wall I have to do is submit background check things(done that) and finish my teacher profile (in progress.) I am so happy and excited. Its gonna make things easier as far as money goes.
The other thing I really want to get worked out soon is a car. There is nice jeep that I am looking at but everyone seems to be  against me getting a jeep. I know they can be pricey and have some problems, but I love em and want one so bad!I really hope financing for it goes well especially now that it may be easier to pay for with the vipkid bookings.
I'm still waiting for the mighty to publish my stories and I am still practicing to make sure I get accepted for a masters. We'll see how all this goes.
Take care of yourselves.
Love, A Schizophrenic.

Today I had ANOTHER mock class. It seemed to go better than any of the others so I hope they contract me. I need some more money. Also, a student of mine cancelled their lesson yesterday, but paid me anyway so that was nice. I've also sold 3 painting this past week. Also nice. Now I need to sale some more. I do want to share story though. This happened earlier today.
So, I'm on my way back from practicing and it starts raining. I have a bright yellow umbrella that my school gave me when I graduated and I laid it over my shoulder so it could keep my saxophone case dry. Thats really whats important. I get behind one of the older buildings on the edge of campus as I am making my way home and I see the creek near by rising. I think nothing of it at first. Then I get closer. I have to cross over a small bridge to get to where I live and there is this guy standing underneath. Well, he is really crouching because its really small. He is standing there with a fishing rod while water is rushing by him. I asked him if he was catchin much. He laughed and said no. Said that he was just tying to catch all the fucks he ran out of today. lol How long had he been waiting there for someone to pass by?
Anyway,stay safe out there. That waters getting high.
Take care of yourselves and work hard.
Love, A Schizophrenic.

Saxophone

So I am a saxophonist and I give lessons to help pay my way in life. I have a student now who is challenging. Like most students at that age, they do not put in much effort, but still think they are the coolest thing since Betty White. This student has a problem with trying to talk waaaay too much on lessons. They also still haven't quite figured out who's the student and who isn't. Last lesson I had to get pretty firm with the student. I have another lesson later today with the student. We'll see how it goes.
I also am preparing for my own audition. Its getting super close and I fear I am not ready. I am practicing the best I can, but there is just so much to have down in sooooo little time. I am also still trying to save for a car and I luckily have a teacher and some friends helping me understand how the process works. Like, I didn't even know I was supposed to have insurance before I could buy a vehicle with financing. I've never one this before. I now to check the oil, coolant, and other fluids. I know to test drive and ask to see mechanical reports and repairs for when the vehicle was brought into the dealership. I've already checked the carfax on the vehicle and am fairly impressed with how well the previous owners maintained the thing.
Take care of yourselves
Love, A Schizophenic.

jeep

I am working so hard to save for a jeep. I contacted a dealership yesterday in hopes of them having the 1 i've been looking at for so long. The person said they have a selection of the wranglers available. I'm trying to make my way down there next week when I am not working. I want one sooooooooooooooooooooo bad!
Tonight at work was pretty good. There were frustrating things, but the people I worked with today are fun and good at their jobs. We did have a customer hang out in our drive through for 13:30 minutes. They changed there order after it was made several times and yelled at some other workers. They were straight up rude.
Tomorrow and all weekend I am going to practice up a storm getting ready for my audition. I am so nervous. I have nothing ready yet.
Live a good life. Go for what you want even if it is frightening.
Take care of yourselves
Love, A Schizophrenic.

postponed, published, and pissed

I got some good news yesterday. Another one of my stories will be published by The Mighty soon. The 1st one isn't out yet, but is on its way. I'm low key excited. It was good news to hear because yesterday I ended up working a 12 hour shift at the ole baco tell with a new employee who I don't really like working with. As a person, they seemed cool. As an employee they were frustrating and kinda douchey. They also ended up running our drive through time up. I get that they haven't worked at a taco bell in a while, but they were taking forever just to ring up 1 order. I know Ima dread the nights when I have to work with them again.
I've been frustrated with VIPKID lately. Some mentors say somethings are good, but others will say those same things aren't so good. Then there is the whole teach an entire lesson in 10 minutes thing that is kinda frustrating. You're supposed to greet and meet the student and build repore with them. Then introduce the lesson and teach it within the next few minutes. You spend more time talking to a mentor than you do actually teaching. Its kinda frustrating and I didn't feel like dealing with that tonight so I just postponed it until Sunday morning when I am off work. I may give up soon. A friend of mine recommended that I try and teach a lower level so I may give that a go if my next mock class doesn't go well.
I bought an ecospin recently because I dont have a washer or dryer. I used it once today and I'm pretty sure it has already broke. I did what the instructions said and the screws started falling out and bending too. I guess it wasn't meant to handle fat people clothes.......2 socks and 2 pairs of panties...........no way on God's green earth does that exceed the weight limit. I'll see if I can fix it, but Idk. I just want clean clothes. Why is that so hard to ask for????
Bonus paragraph about my fabulous self. I'm still looking for a car. This isn't much of a paragraph. I just wanted to state that.
Life is full of ups and downs, disappointments and happy times, frustrations, and other lifey things.
Take care of yourselves.
Love, A Schizophrenic.

Work drama

Ya know whats dumb? When people's personal lives affect their work lives. That's what is dumb. Who gets caught in the middle of it? Normal, ever day, innocent people. There are some jank things going on at work,I love my job, but some things are kinda beat up. AND I STILL WANT MY HOURS BACK!!! For real. There are people sleepin around and some stupid crap goin down and i'm just there tryna earn a paycheck. I was told 35-40 hours a week....thats what I normally got. I was already questioning how I was going to make things work. Now they cut my hours and I am really starting to wonder. When I was interviewing I remember my manager being all like "We're a family here. We'll take care of ya and get ya what ya need." Well they aint holdn up they end up the deal. They not living up to their words and its f-ing a lot of people over. They too chicken sh to tell an employee they finna get fired. Instead, they give they hours away and wait for the employee to ome begging for they hours. I get that that employee kinda sucks at showing up, but you still gotta tell people. Like, I walk up in there working hard and after a month and a half my hours are gone. Whats next? They gonna fire me too and not tell me?They gonna make me be for my job?  I already am begging or my hours back. What more they want now? Like, why can't we all just go to work,work, and not start crap, and then go home? Why do the dummies always go so high up the chain of command? Why did I not see this stuff before? This is dumb.
Y'all, save youselves some stress and avoid drama.
Take care of yourselves.
Love, A Schizophrenic.

schizophrenia and drugs

This is a subject that has been popping up lately in my life. Some people think illegal drugs help schizophrenia and others say it causes it. This post is not about prescribed medication. That is a whole different rant in its self.
A friend of mine is undergoing observations because their doctor fears they may have schizophrenia. This friend has been an addict for a while now. This friends significant other says the drugs messed them up and the doctors agree. So, yes, schizophrenia can be caused by drug usage. That is not the only cause though. I have had so many people accuse me of being on drugs because I'm schizophrenic and I've had others say I am schizophrenic because of drugs (legal or illegal.) Then they want to tell me that the medication makes the prognosis worse in the long run.Once again, that's another post for another day.
Just because someone does drugs does not mean they will develop schizophrenia. If anything, they are more likely to develop depression and psychosis. Neither are schizophrenia and both are just 2 symptoms out of the dozens of schizophrenia. Also, if you have psychosis while on the illegal drugs, you still aren't schizophrenic. You're an addict. Just because someone has schizophrenia doesn't mean they are doing drugs either. Not everyone chooses to deal with their problems that way.
Read up on these things and don't be an idiot.
Take care of yourselves
Love, A Schizophrenic

a day

Today was a day to say the least. Work was stressful because I had 2 new people working with me. thats fine when we're slow, but it can really cause some problems when we're in a rush...which was like all day. I was stuck basically training them even though I've only been there a little over a month and am not a team trainer. One person is a few fries short of a happy meal. I had to keep on the person to make sure they were doing what they needed to do and doing it correctly. I felt like I was baby sitting 5 year olds. The more I did the less the managers have to worry about I guess.
THEN MY BOSS BASICALLY ACCUSED ME OF SMOKING MARIJUANA!!! He said I smelled like it. I was so confused. Another manager was there and had to pull him aside later. He sided with me and told him that I don't smoke that stuff. I was like finna voluntarily go take a drug test or something to prove to him that I don't do that kind of stuff.
What has really made things stressful is the financial situation. I spoke to my boss about it. I told him 1 guy had said he was willing to give up a day and he said he'd talk to the guy. He said one thing that happened was the nacho fries didn't have as big of a financial impact on our store as they were hoping. I just hope things start looking up a bit more sometime.
On a good note, I did get to speak to my bother today. It has been a long time since we've talked and I only got to talk for a bit because he called a few minutes I had to leave. He and I laughed and exchanged work stories for a bit. We both ave done similar jobs. He does crawlspace things and I have things like that when I worked for Lee's phys plant. We both tyna keep our heads up and make ends meet.
Take care of your selves and work hard.
Love, A Schizophrenic.

Hard hits

Well my manager recently took some of my hours at work. I am down to only 32 hours a week at most. Some weeks it is only 30. That combined with the fact that I am still not contracted with VIPKID yet is not helping me financially at all. No one is buying my art anymore and I am not making anything from giving lessons because no one wants them because they are all high school kids who aren't thinking of their future yet.
I'm trying to buy a car. I need to get my saxophone repaired. I have an audition in a month and have no idea how ima pay for school and all these bills without my darn hours!!!! I left a note for my manager, but I have no idea when or if he'll see it. Hopefully it'll get taken care of soon. I can't be getting even more in debt.
Good luck adulting.
Take care of yourselves.
Love, A Schizophrenic.

valentines Day

The best thing about this day is the 50% off chocolate tomorrow.
My sister and I were talking yesterday an she said that she s hoping her bf will propose today. He didn't. He told her then end goal is marriage, but they want to get to a better place financially 1st. She's gonna go back to school and he's working on his business. I guess its kinda a good thing they're waiting because they live at his mom's place. I just worry about them. She is a Christian and he is not. She knows the scriptures, but is too afraid to be without him. He refuses to go to church with her and doesn't know God. I've seen times where this happens and either the christian will turn from God or the non believer will turn to God. I get that it is her relationship and she has the freedom to choose, but the big sister in me still worries. I pray for them.
On a different note, I have been practicing saxophone a lot the past couple days. I'm trying to get ready for my audition in just a month!!!! I also have another VIPKID mock class at 2:30 in the morning. I had to reschedule for a later hour because I don't leave work until about 1am. They've cut my hours quite a bit this week. I am barely getting over 30 hours. I get they have to keep labor down, but I gotta make rent.
Eat chocolate and take care of yourselves.
Love, A Schizophrenic

decisions decisions

I have a lot on my mind. My thoughts are full of questions, doubts, concerns of all realistic and ridiculous types, a teeny tiny amount of hope, and changing expectations. So much is possible. So much is impossible and heart breaking.
I'm working at taco bell and trying to get started with VIPKID. That is my only source of income at the moment which is kinda sad because I am trying to make myself better off financially. I am trying to get a masters, but have to audition 1st. I have lots to practice and perfect. I have lots of things to get ready and only about a month to do so. Then comes the question of how on earth am I going to pay for it? I want to get a good car that is going to last a while, but then there is insurance and monthly payments AND my credit sucks. Then student loans on top of all of that. If I could do well with VIPKID, I think I'd be okay. I'll probably have to work part time while in school, but I hope not. I only want to do school part time and work full time.
I know these are normal adult things. I checked my income compared to others my age in my state. I make about 10,000 less than average which is frustrating. I just want to have decent things and be okay financially. I need to get a higher paying job than taco bell, but I'm probably gonna have to work at least 2 decent paying jobs for a while. I don't know what to do really. God's got it though. I just really have to cut my expenses, be intentional at work and get a raise if possible. I have to work hard to get contracted by VIPKID and try and sale more paintings.
Good luck in adulting everyone!
Take care of youselves.
Love, A Schizophrenic.

going places

Today, I woke up to a slightly exciting / terrible terrifying email from Lee University. I sent in an application for a master's in music performance on saxophone maybe a few weeks ago. Today's email was notifying me of my audition date. I think I have enough music to audition with, but not enough time to get it ready. I don't have originals for any of these pieces because my teacher allowed me to borrow her copies because I am poor. I also do not have the accompaniment for any of the pieces because I gave all of those to my old accompanist. I'm a mess really. What if I am not good enough? What if I am? Where will the money and time come from? AH!
Also, I am doing a 3rd mock class with VIPKID come Friday morning. I hope I don't screw it up again. I really need to get to work on making extra money.
Life is full of terrifyingly awesome opportunities. My brain is a mess.
I'll give myself the same advice, I'd give someone else. Success lies on the other side of fear.
Take care of yourselves.
Love, A Schizophrenic

Mock Class number 2

I just finished my 2nd mock class for VIPKID. I think I did worse in this one than I did in the 1st, but that's okay. I'll just try again. I really need this to work. Also, the frame around the screen of my laptop is starting to pop off and it obstructed the view of my camera. It popped literally like 3 seconds before the class started. That would be my luck.
Also,I filed my taxes the other day. The refund honestly wasn't what I expected.There are credits and things that they aren't doing this year that they did last year, but I am still thankful for the amount I am getting back. It will go towards the down payment of getting me a car. I honestly don't know how I am going to make this stuff work. I can't teach kids one sentence correctly, I don't know where money for the car payments will come from, I don't know that I can even get a loan because my credit is shot, and what would I do if the thing broke? Then there is insurance...I guess by trying to think through everything, I may be overthinking and stressing myself out. While I'm at it, why hasn't Lee contacted me about my grad school application? UGH! SO many stressful things.
Keep trying things.
Take care of yourselves and stay as positive as possible.
Love, A Schizophrenic.

Remembering when

I remember when I was first diagnosed about 9 years ago. I had so many questions, worries, and misunderstandings. I had been hospitalized a couple times before being diagnosed with schizophrenia and I was embarrassed. I was angry and ashamed that I had put my family through so much trouble and they had to deal with all the problems I created. I began doing research and tried to find more people like me. Soon, I began to open up to my friends about what was going on. Most of them were okay with everything and treated me how they always had. A couple were different stories.

I remember two people in particular who distanced themselves from me after I told them about my diagnosis. We were in high school and 1 went to the extreme of requesting a schedule change. I tried explaining that I am still the same person, but she looked at me as if I were a murderer. She refused to have anything to do with me. I left her alone and focused on the people that stayed with me through the difficulties. They were my true friends.

Not long afterwards, I got accepted into Lee University. Its a lovely school with amazing people, caring professors, and students who display unbelievable amounts friendship. I began working on my music education degree in 2011. I still had to see doctors and therapist, I had to get all of my prescriptions, and learn to take care of myself. My security net had been disrupted due to distance. I was now about five hours away from everyone I knew. Eventually, I had to leave for a year due to financial problems and mental health problems that placed me in hospital after hospital after hospital. I made it back to Lee and all my new friends, and made it to a new doctor. This doctor helped me to realize some things. My memory was beginning to get bad. Some days I couldn't remember anything. I didn't know what day it was, where I was going, what I was doing, and at times I even lost my name. Friends began to slip my mind. I would forget about events and concerts. Really the only time I could remember anything was when I was playing my saxophone. 

Finally, I got some new medication to help me. I developed techniques to help myself remember and to catch myself if I suddenly forgot where I was going. Most people would have quit school at this point, but Lee was so amazing and I didn't want to leave my friends. I found ways to take care of myself. Once again, my memory began to slip. I lost things. Important things like my wallet, keys, saxophone, and phone. All turned up, but I knew something was wrong. My doctor rearranged my medication....again. He also told me to take pictures of things and people. He said that schizophrenia is a disorder that, over time, gets worse. These memory issues of mine could eventually cause me to forget everything and everyone I once knew and loved. 

Now, my friends sometimes call me the selfie queen. I take pictures with my friends all the time and for really no special occasions. Once, on tour with the symphonic band at Lee, I took pictures of my friends in the truck with me. One friend said "You take too many pictures." I laughed it off, but later explained to him why I do that. I told him that one day I may not remember his name, who he was, or why we were together in the picture. I will, however, be able to look at the picture and know that he was a friend. He was apart of something that made me happy. I explained all that my doctor had said and he immediately began to tear up. I said again, I may not always remember you, but I can look at the picture and know we were friends and that we were happy.

Doctors can sometimes be wrong about these things. It has been a long time since I have had a major memory problem and I managed to get my degree. I still take pictures and I still remember all of my friends. Take time to remember.

Love, A Schizophrenic.

Things that happen because you're fat

I started working at taco bell about a month ago. As an employee, I get a percentage off 1 meal during my shift when ever we aren't being ran over by a rush. Ever since my employment, I find that my jeans are mysteriously shrinking...I need to not eat the food every day. I've also began going on daily walks before work. Today, my roomie came with me and we found something pretty cool.
We walked away from town and went down a road I didn't even realize existed. It goes though some woods and is lined by thick patches of weeds and trash. Since it is winter you could see a pretty good ways into the woods. We were about 10 minutes down the road and I tripped over something. I looked down and saw this thick piece of wood sticking out of the ground y about an inch. While I was looking at the ground after almost dying, I noticed what looked to be the edge of a drive way covered by dirt and over grown weeds. It was kinda cool. Alyssa looked into the trees and saw this old beat up house. It was probably 50 yards of the road. She got my attention and said "There isn't another house out her so far. Wanna go look?" I was all for exploring. I love old houses and exploring abandoned buildings.
We started to walk towards the house. It seemed kinda small. It had chipped white paint, broken windows and the door was boarded up with an old sign on it. We noticed it had what probably used to be old flower beds placed around the edges of a small porch. We climbed the steps and peered in through a window to see old furniture scattered about and picture still on the walls. Alyssa noticed how loose the boards were on the door. We began to remove them. Once they were all gone we went inside. There were birds' nest and dirt everywhere. We explored and found all kinds of things. Alyssa found an old newspaper in between the arm and cushion of a chair sitting next to an old fire place. It was dated June 16th 1979. We explored some more. The bedrooms still had beds in them. We were just about to leave when I saw another door just off the kitchen.
It had several locks on it so we assumed it was just a back door at first. Then we realized that it would have been weird to have a back door between the kitchen and a bedroom. We unlocked all of the locks and walked into the pantry. It was shelve and had about a dozen jars of green beans and a ton of cans of food. Alyssa stepped over to look at a calendar on the wall in the back of the pantry. It had events written on it. Someone had a birthday that month and "Elli" had a doctors appoint on the 4th. When she stepped away from that the floor creaked. She said she felt it bow in. The floor boards were really loose so, naturally, we pulled them up. There was a STAIRCASE!!!!!
After standing there discussing things we FINALLY went down the stairs. We took forever to get down because we were afraid and also because we didn't know how sturdy they were. Once we got into the basement we saw old clothes, another old bed, toys, and a bunch of boxes. We looked through everything. That's when we noticed the drawings on the wall by the bed.......and the chains underneath it. There was a hole in 1 part of the wall and we could see into another room. It was hard to see much because there were no lights. We were using the light from the 1 window near the ceiling and the flashlights on our phones. I shined through the hole in the wall and didn't see much. From what I could tell the other room was pretty empty. We decided to not knock down a wall that could possibly collapse the house and made our way quickly up the stairs and out of the old creepy house. We both were so sketched that we practically ran home.
Don't get fat. You'll try to lose the weight and find old sketch houses in the process.
Take care of yourselves.
Love, A Schizophrenic.

broken hearts

I over heard some friends talking this evening. 1 is not Christian, but said he grew up southern baptist. Another grew up Church of God. They were briefly discussing the different Pentecostal churches/denominations when the non christian friend began saying how Christianity just doesn't make sense. He said that the old testament isn't historically accurate and then asked a question that my other friend didn't seem to have an answer to. That's when I joined the conversation. I don't even remember what the question was. My other friend then spoke up and said something like "Yeah, I've kinda left the whole Jesus thing recently." This bothered me. I care about my friends spiritually as well as physically.
I've been praying for this friend and her husband for a while now. They both have had things kinda rough the past several years and are doing everything they can to keep their head's above water. They both are like the hardest working people  have ever met, but it seems like there is always something that tries to knock them down just as they get their footing. I wondered if the trials they're facing are starting to wear away at them. I wondered if they maybe blame God for not fixing things or lightening the load. I've done those things several times in my life, but each time God fixes it. Maybe they are wondering why he didn't fix things for them. I just worry for them. I also pray for them. I pray for their safety too. They give me rides to and from work on most days because I do not have a car and they never ask for gas money. When I step out of their car, I always try to quickly draw a small cross on the door as I shut it. I really want to see God move in my friend's lives and I pray that they will go back to him.
At first I was almost angry with my other friend for saying some things about God and Christianity. Then, I realized how dumb of me that was.Why would the health of 1 friend's soul trouble me more than the other? Are they both not equal in the eyes of God? When I realized that I was ashamed of myself and began to pray for the other friend as well.
I don't type all of this to brag on myself. I made the mistake of boasting about my blessings earlier as if I were the 1 to make it happen. That is not my intentions now. My intentions now are a couple things. 1, explain to people that we need to pray for our friends even if they are not believers. God loves the unbeliever as much as he loves the believer. The believer was once the unbeliever.  The other intention is to maybe begin a prayer log type thing. I want to do so in order to give praise reports. Maybe God will move my friends' situations.
Stay strong in the faith and pray for one another.
Take care of yourselves and others. You may be their answer to prayers.
Love, A Schizophrenic.     

Self harm;

Many of us have self harmed before or have at least thought about/ been tempted to at some point in our lives. Self harm is a fairly common thing in this day. This could be cutting, choking, rubber banding, or even forcing yourself to eat something in a non healthy way.
 A short conversation at work brought this topic to my mind. I will not be using coworker's names or genders for this out of respect for privacy. Any names in my post may be altered or already hae permission to be used. Coworker A saw a scar on Coworker  B's arm and asked "Is that from cutting?" Coworker B said "yes, actually." The conversation continued and Coworker B stated that the scar was the only visible self harm scar they had and that the other is concealed by a tattoo. I then stated that I have lots visible on my arms. Then, in blabber mouth fashion, I said I also have them on my legs, stomach, and a small one on my throat from where I attempted to slit my own throat. Coworker B said "Oh, I didn't know that." This coworker and I have been friends for several years now is why I didn't mind sharing this info and just talking about things. I went on to explain that I have command hallucinations from schizophrenia (the coworker already knew of my diagnosis.)
Why on earth would I ever tell anyone any of that stuff? Why would I bring it up at work? If these were people I didn't know I may not have taken place in the conversation at all to be honest. Some of you may be more open and that's great, but I do like to get to know people a bit before I say much. I do realize it is important to talk about these things. Why? Educating people on these things is a necessity. People need to know that maybe they aren't the only one dealing with something. Maybe they need advice, or don't know where to start if they are seeking help. Maybe they've been a douche to someone because of someone's self harm or even caused it and the conversation may help them think a bit more. Maybe someone needs to see that they can get through whatever it is they are dealing with. Maybe they need to know there is more life to come and that things aren't over. ( That's the ; in the title.) That may seem really deep for a work conversation, but if I am there 8 hours a day then I practically live there and they are family. Also, just because I know someone from work doesn't mean I don't care for them as a human being.
Why am I making ANOTHER post about it? It is something that NEVER goes away. It may for you and it may for me, but it may not for someone else. There is always someone somewhere dealing with this and if they happen to come across this page and deem it helpful then it was all worth it. If they don't, at least I tried. What are you doing? It is a problem that needs addressing.
If you or anyone you know is dealing with this, please do not be afraid to seek help. You aren't gonna get locked away in a psych ward for it. You're doctor will recommend a therapist and possibly a psychiatrist as well. Neither of those are reasons to be ashamed.
 Take care of yourselves and take care of each other.
Love, A Schizophrenic.

think before you tell

I usually don't mind telling people about having schizophrenia hints the blog. I do avoid telling certain people for many reasons. When I do spill the beans it usually isn't 1 of the first things I tell people about me.
The other day at work my beans were spilled when I didn't really want them to be. A coworker was talking about some people he knows and how they're schizophrenic. I froze when I heard the word. Do I say something or do I just shut up and ignore it? My friend that I work with goes "So is she!" My friend didn't mean to say something I didn't want said. He knows how open I am about it. My other co worker was like "really?" I told them yes and that I have disorganized type. Then we went on with our normal conversation.
I couldn't help but think about what had happened later after I got home. I've been trying to be more quiet about it lately. I don't want people to think I am seeking attention. I also know that it scares people. I am all about educating others, but sometimes there are things that we can tell others that they will never understand.
Tonight I had a conversation with my roommate. I told he about how I had been forced to go to chapel (I went to a private Christian School) even against my doctor's best judgement. My doctor and I both threatened to sue. I sent in a doctors note multiple times and explained schizophrenia symptoms lead to sensory overload which leads to anxiety and command hallucinations. I explained that the command hallucinations weren't telling me to do harmless things. They wanted me to kill other people. I told my roommate about what I had written. She didn't seem to be phased, but I couldn't help but think I had said too much. I wouldn't worry as much if I had said that to someone else who had command hallucinations or schizophrenia. It wouldn't scare them because they would understand. The general public is easily frightened. I am worried that I may be labelled as a murderer or a psycho because of these command hallucinations.
Don't be afraid to educate others and definitely do not be ashamed if you have something you can't help. Don't be surprised if someone freaks out or becomes afraid though. They'll never fully understand.
Think about things before you say them and think about who you're talking to. Some may not react as expected.
Take care of yourselves.
Love, A Schizophrenic. 

Called out

I totally got called out at work earlier. Let me explain what happened.
I get there and its kinda slow at 1st. People start pouring in and the drive through is out to the road about 30 minutes into my shift. We were down 1 person. One girl is saving lives getting register, frying things, doing dishes, and helping me on dine in orders. Other than her help every so often, I am the only one of dine in. Drive through has 1 person on register and 2 on line. I'm making all these orders myself. Let me remind you that I have only been working there for a month so I am not the fastest and still don't know exactly everything. The orders coming in are not small orders at all. Its like 12 items+ per name. At 1 point I had 2 12 packs and an extra 10 tacos. Behind that were several other orders. I had to do a few remakes because I kinda suck, but I notice this customer standing watching me make all of these orders. Drive through had time to pick up one of my orders before they started getting slammed again. This made the customer a little upset because that order was someone who had ordered after them. Naturally, they began to ask if their order had been forgotten. They then began to rush me and got upset and yelled "Its for here! Its for here!" when I went to put the order into a bag. I said "Because a bag makes such a difference." I said it so that I would be heard.
Once that order got out many more piled in. It did not stop. The line was out to the road when I left and everyone was still making ridiculous orders. I got frustrated quite a few times. At one point I just loudly stated "God motherf*&@ing D!@#*$!" The guy next to me was like "You shouldn't say that." He was joking, but her was right. That conversation lead into a conversation about Christianity. He knows that I am a Christian. This was kinda a big deal to me. He was right. I am a Christian. Why do I allow my self to have such a filthy mouth? It doesn't glorify God and it doesn't make me seem like a kind person when every other word is a curse word. He didn't mean to call me out and he honestly didn't even care. I did though. I have got to watch my mouth.
I know that God forgives and that he always loves us. It doesn't mean that I can just spew whatever words I want out of my mouth. Its about as appealing as spewing vomit. That's gross. Its disgusting and has no place coming out of my mouth.
This may sound like it is specifically for Christians, but it is kinda for everyone in more than 1 way. It is the sick who need a doctor and it is important to stand by what you believe. If you believe that certain words should be said then stand by that. Don't expect the world to stand by it and don't expect the world to change for you, but stand by your belief. Then, live it.
Forgive yourselves and take care of yourselves.
Love, A Schizophrenic

weird night

Last night was weird. Really weird. My roommate went to stay the night at a friends house so I was by myself in the room. I know my symptoms have been getting worse lately. Being alone doesn't help me when I am experiencing certain symptoms such as hallucinations, delusions, and confusion. 

I was laying down scrolling through facebook. Before that I was reading and had noticed things around me, but distant. I felt alone and cold. The more I scrolled the closer things got to me. Things I couldn't see, but could feel. I plugged my phone into charge and went to bed. I could hear them talking. They were talking about me to each other and flying in the space around me. I could see them perched on my door and on my dresser. I could see them perched on my roommates bed talking across the room to each other. I was in and out of sleep because of the noise they were making. 

I eventually got up and told them all to leave. I even turned on the light so I could see better to shew them all away. Once they all left I could finally sleep. It was all almost fairy tell like. It felt really weird. I don't know how to explain it. I wasn't afraid, but annoyed. I felt light, cold, and alone the whole time. It was just really weird.

Hallucinations are weird.

Be careful and take care of yourselves.

Love, A Schizophrenic.

The Mighty

I wrote a while back a post called "Schizophrenia and Demons"or something like that. Basically, I left a church and broke up with a friend because they said that I am schizophrenic because I am possessed. I was so upset by the things that happened that I wrote about it to The Mighty. Today, I received an email saying that they are gonna feature the story!
That is huge to me for a few reasons. I know of several Christians who have been belittled by the church because they have a mental disorder or take anti-psychs. Maybe this story will help them see that they are not alone. Many pastors speak about the "spirit of depression" and that kinda makes people not listen to you. I do not think that pastors should only say things to make people feel good. People should feel convicted when in church, that's a good thing. You shouldn't make people feel bad because they have a chemical imbalance in their brain. Preach what is biblical. Also, maybe it will catch one of those types of people's attention. Maybe they'll be educated. Maybe they'll realize how people are being scared away from churches or are keeping up a protective wall that is keeping them from being as much a part of the body as they'd like to be. Maybe it will normalize talking about these things.
I got super excited when I got the email. I will post more about it when I hear more news. I also have to say that I am kinda proud of myself. I've even stayed strong enough not to contact that person or church that did that to me. I ended the friendship. It was negative and she just went too far on too many occasions with no regret. Of course she tried denying everything when I confronted her of the issue. She went as far to say that "the lies you are believing are from the devil." I called her out. I told her that no they aren't. I asked the pastor does she believe I am possessed and she said yes. I ask my friend if she thought the same. She said no, but then tried to explain that mental disorders aren't real and that they're from the devil. Then she went into saying that I am either possessed or oppressed. She wouldn't make up her mind. She tried to play the poor me card when I confronted her. She was really upset when I told her I will not be at her wedding. THEN her fiance called a friend of mine and tried to make me look like the bad guy. My friend ended up shutting him down and shaming him. The whole thing turned into a big mess.
I am glad something is begin said. I know I am not the only one to have faced situations like these.
Stick up for yourselves and your friends.
Love, A Schizophrenic

A Bright Day

Today seems so much brighter and happier. I don't know why. Its like partly cloudy out and fairly warm for how it as been, my roomies are all home and we're chilling together, and I don't have to work today. Even in doors seems brighter.
My mock class went well. I did lots of things well and I have lots of things to improve upon so I am going to reschedule and try again within the next week. I got to have lunch with several friends today which was so much fun. They're all seniors in college and 1 is closer to my age, but the others are a couple years younger. It was nice having the old sym band squad back together. I wish they would be there when I start my masters, but they're graduating. They'll always be fam, but I know I will make new friends during my masters too.
Tonight I am going to a movie with a friend. I think we're gonna go see escape room. I'm kinda excited. I like seeing movies in theaters.
One thing has been odd. I often have hallucinations of music playing, but recently it as been much more. I used to just hear a cello playing, but not I might hear rap or county or even dub step. I used to write down what I heard, but it was difficult. I sometimes have music in my dreams and I write that down too. I've got a few compositions of music I heard in my dreams.
I hope your days are bright.
Take care of yourselves.
Love, A Schizophrenic.