I was going to wait until later to write this, but I just got off work and actually am not too tired.
One of the 1st things people ask me when I tell them of my diagnosis is "do you hear voices?" My answer is "almost always." Then of course they ask what they are saying at that time. I usually go on to explain that it isn't just voices I hear. I used to be wary of how I answered if I did at all. Now,I don't mind so much.It usually shows a person's interest in learning and understanding. Usually there are no intentions of malice. Then they say "wow. I couldn't tell." and ask me how handle it all.
I hear cellos playing (I sometimes and able to write down what they play and use it in compositions), I hear radio sounds, electronics speak to me, I hear my deceased mother's voice sometimes. She usually says my name, but other times I hear her say "She's schizophrenic." This one is the most disturbing to me. Not because I become afraid, but because it strikes a chord with me. That is a subject that I am saddened by? I don't know the best way to describe it. It usually messes me up when it happens. As a musician, hearing music can be a good thing. It can also be terrible if I am in a music class. I've failed and had to repeat aural skills classes before because I couldn't hear to dictate over the hallucinations.
I also see things and feel things that aren't there. Those are visual and tactile hallucinations. I see all kinds of things, animals, and people. Some are familiar, repeating, always there, and some come and go. Some I may see only once. Things get distorted and people split in half. I feel people sitting on my bed at night. I feel rain drops inside on my arms, I feel visual hallucinations bite me, and I sometimes even feel things like I am melting.
How on earth do I deal with all of this? This is, believe it or not, where aaaaaaaall those years of therapy come into play. Medication can only do so much. Therapy has taught me to identify reality from fantasy to a certain degree. If I am getting bad off, I can no longer consciously do this. They are things that I have sorta gotten used to. Some still sketch me out, but most are chill. If it is all too much for me to concentrate I just save what I am doing for later. I may even go rest for a bit. They get waaaaaaaaaay worse when I am tired. This is where not over scheduling yourself comes into play. Keeping a fairly flexible schedule is important to me. It gives me the opportunity to complete task when I am able. It allows me to schedule relaxation time. I sit down with hot green tea and Hulu or a book or both because I can't concentrate, but I can concentrate on 8 things at once? Sometimes even speaking back and telling things to stop helps. Be advised. Some therapist and psychiatrist to warn against this behavior. It works for me sometimes. Make sure to talk to someone about this route before actually doing it.
I do have command hallucinations as well. This means auditory or even visual hallucinations tell me to do things. If I don't listen they keep demanding or name calling. 1, named Mary, will even bite me. They often tell me to cut, self harm, kill myself, hurt someone else, or to run away. Honestly, these are the most terrifying of them all. If I slip into things too far, I might not come back. I could be stuck in my hallucinations. This has happened before except I can back. What if I slip in and listen to the wrong voice?
Sometimes informing (if you are able) a close friend or family member of something may be helpful. Just having someone else present sometimes helps me with my hallucinations. Don't be afraid to tell someone that you need to go to a ward or a hospital. It is better than killing yourself or hurting yourself or someone else.
I hope this helps someone! Please, take care of yourselves!
Love, A Schizophrenic
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