Most people start off in life dreaming of being a beautiful princess or stunning prince charming, a super hero, or even a villian (this was me as a child). Most of us change a bit. We want to become professional athletes, rock stars, or astronauts. While I do believe that those are all realistic goals I also know that people are ever changing. We change a lot with age and experience. Then we decide we want to be police officers, doctors, teachers, artists of all sorts, moms and dads, lawyers, etc. In a perfect world nothing would force us off course or even onto a detour. We have goals, dreams, and ambitions. We have vision, ideas,and time. Then, out of no where, things change. Symptoms start to appear, doctors start to take notes, and medical bills get beyond control. Uncle Sam says you can't be in his military if you're crazy, schools don't want to deal with your schedule, jobs don't understand your breakdowns, and you? You just get pushed down. No more princess dreams, no more being a rock star, and no more bettering yourself. Now it is just "I hope I don't kill myself today." or "I hope I can make rent this month" and "I wonder if my friends will visit today."
It doesn't have to be like that. Sometimes it totally feels like it will never change and you'll always be stuck doing the same old same old. Other days you'll be on top of the world. Everyone has a battle. Your may be a mental disorder and that is okay. You still get to dream. You still get to set goals beyond the average every day, and work to make them happen. Your obstacles may be different and EXTREMELY FRUSTRATING! That's okay. Hold on and keep working. Things do not have to stay the same and they will never change if you don't make them change. It is okay to set and maintain high expectations of yourself.
I've been working at taco bell for like 3 weeks now. I am picking up some things fairly easily and others not so much. I like that the managers think I am fast. I want to start working the drive through line so that I'm not always having to fry things for them while making the dine in orders.
I threw a little fit towards the end of my shift today because I wasn't sure that I set up the cold line correctly. That sounds really really dumb because it is, but it also isn't? I just want to get to where I can do things without having to ask someone to remind me how to do it. I hate that I've had to ask how to change the paper filter in the fryers like 5 times now and what goes in a power bowl? I want to learn all of that super quick and I get angry when I don't remember. I want to learn to work the register and work drive through. I want to get a raise. I want to get a promotion, but I can't it I can't even remember what goes on a Frito Burrito. That's what pisses me off. The managers and trainers say that I am doing well considering I haven't been there long, but I can't wait until I am better.
This job is going to pay my way through a masters, y'all. I know I can't be too critical of myself, but I don't want to get too lax either.
Work hard and don't forget to breathe.
Love, A Schizophrenic
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