new old hallucination?

Today was......a day I guess. I posted yesterday about healthy you taking care of sick you and day before yesterday's post was about an odd hallucination. I feel totally different than I did a few hours ago and am worried day before yesterday's worries may be correct.
When I was younger I had this hallucination of a girl. Not Mary. This girl and Mary are two completely different things. This girl I began seeing around 9 or 10 years old. I began taking anti-psychs around 12 years old. She disappeared not long after that and I haven't seen her since. I never considered her a hallucination or "my 1st visual hallucination" because I honestly forgot all about her. Until today.
I was at work and things had been really busy for about 30 minutes. At 1 point I was the only 1 on my side making food because the other person had to fry and refill some things. I had a few seconds where I didn't have any orders on my screen. I glanced up front at the register to see a whole line of people still yet to order, but behind them I saw her. She was outside the front door of the store starring in. When people came to the door she didn't even move. My coworker had to get my attention to make the orders that were staring to come in. Every so often I would have a second to rest. I'd look over and there she was just standing, shoulders hunched, head down, hair like long drapes framing her thin and bloody face. She looks to be around 12 years of age. She still looks how she used to. When I saw her I totally had a flash back in my mind of going back to playing in the woods behind our house and finding her standing by a tree. I could hear her breathing hard. She growled at me almost how Used To Be does. She doesn't seem to be violent. She just stands there.
Anyway, I wonder about the reappearance of this old hallucination.
I do not see her as I write this, but she was at my work for a while. I do not know if she'll be back or not or why she was back at all. Used To Be is here though. She is curled up sleeping against my leg as I write this. She is so much more docile than she used to be. I do hope that some of the others do not return. I fear mostly the frog people. At times I miss 252, the months, the days, and even The 3. Used To Be visits more than the others from Tyrenia, but she tells me all is well with everyone.
I haven't seen any distortion hallucinations in a little while. No melting faces or split level people. No warped floors are upside down faces either. My mood is starting to stabilize today since it has been a little wilder than normal the past few days. Intrusive thoughts are beginning again and social awkwardness is at an all time high. I mixed emotions earlier today. A friend was happy and for some reason I asked her if she was mad. Another girl was laughing and I told her "I'm sorry" because I mixed it up with crying. Sometimes Im a dingus. Thats okay though.
I'm starting to lose focus so Ima finish this.
Take care of yourselves.
Love, A Schizophrenic

pay day and adulting

Pay day is one of my favorite days. I usually go ahead and make payments towards my student loans right when it comes in. I feel all adulty and stuff.
It really is important to budget out your monthly spending. This can be difficult if you live with a disorganized disorder such as schizophrenia. Here's some ideas.
1st off, let healthy you take care of sick you. Plan ahead just in case. I was in a healthy state when I went through and looked at my pay checks. I based my budget on the times of my lowest possible income.
2nd, Write it out, plan it out, or put it in a document on your electronic device. I use excel on my tablet. It has a graph I can enter basic info into and it does the math for me. I can enter a category into a cell. Example: "Savings" and in the cell to the right of it I put "100." The program enters that into a savings graph, an expenses graph, and then tells me what percentage of my income is being spent. It also tells the amount I will or will not have left after the planned expenses.
I've also used to envelop rule. This is especially handy if you get paid in cash. Get an envelop for each expense. Write the expense and the amount on the envelop. If you get paid in tips you can put money into each envelop day by day. Example "dr visit" or "power bill." I was a server for waffle house. I put my tips in these envelops and had my pay check moved to my savings account. Once these envelops are full, take them to the bank or where you pay your bills.
3rd. Allow some wiggle room. This is why I planned for the least income. Sometimes I get paid quite a bit more and can use the extra money for more savings, to pay more on loans, or.......pizza/shopping........only like once a month or so. If things get tight, drop unnecessary expenses such as netflix, hulu, a gym membership you haven't used even though it was your new years resolution. Try grocery shopping at cheaper places such as aldi. Get only what you need. Sandwiches save lives.
4th. STICK TO IT. Do not allow yourself to break away from this plan. Always pay bills first, then save, then have fun, and then save some more! Live within your means and plan ahead as best you can. I understand that things come up and we lose our minds from time to time. That is why I have found it helpful to ask an extremely trusted friend or family member to also keep an eye on my spending habits just in case I get a bit out of it. This step may be the most difficult for some. Especially if you have bouts of paranoia. Be careful with this one.
If you are on fixed income then I highly suggest keeping track of things in some sort of budgeting way.
This stuff isn't much fun for many of us, but it is kinda important.
Take care of yourselves.
Love, A Schizophrenic

new hallucination

So, I saw a hallucination the other day that I have never seen before. I have hallucinations all the time. Some are recurring, some come and go, some are always there or only appear at certain times or with certain emotion things, and some leave as quickly as the appear never to return. This one was frightening. It wasn't because of what it was, but because I didn't realize it wasn't real at 1st. The reason that is slightly worrisome is that means I could be about to have a psychotic break. When I get to where I cannot tell fact from fantasy is when I know things are getting bad. I eventually realized it was a hallucination once I got over the surprise of it being there so it may not be as bad as I think.
I had been hanging out with my roomies just watching a show on hulu when I went upstairs to go to the bathroom. I notices something odd in the mirror by the stairs as I passed it. I didn't think much of it. Then, I saw it again. This time in the corner by the upstairs linen closet. That corner is kinda dark because we never really turn on the light there so I just convinced myself that my eyes were just messing with me....even though I knew I just saw it a second ago.
I keep moving and go into the bathroom. I walk by the mirror and there it is plan as day. I just stood and starred at it. It was this cluster of faces that looked like they had been sculpted. Some faces looked like people I knew. I saw my sisters face. Others where complete strangers. It was the oddest thing. I haven't seen it today, but I wonder if I will see it again. It was really weird. If I see it again, I'll write about it.
Take care of yourselves.
Love, A Schizophrenic 

the day to day

The past week or so at work has just been odd. I have learned quite a bit about my coworkers which is kinda cool. The person I thought was a douche is actually an intelligent and polite person. The coworker who was made out to be a rude person is really just someone with a strong personality who doesn't take crap from people. I got to speak to a new hire who doesn't speak much english and is sweet and hard working.
I also found out how interesting some of these people are. Some are into open relationships and things like that. It is interesting to hear how they work those things out. To me, it still just seems like justifying adultery, but to each their own I suppose. I work with someone who is trans.They laugh about how it trips people up when they order when the appearance doesn't match the voice. That is something we have a fun time doing. We all sometimes will make a voice that is weird, but just normal enough and mess with customers. It is fun sometimes.
Frustration is a great word to describe how today went though. I covered for someone last week and the agreement was that they'd cover the last portion of my shift today and I would clock out at 3. Well, they never showed up and didn't answer when the managers tried reaching them. So now, one of the most underpaid shift leads is working on their day off which is sad.
I did accomplish a few adulty things when I got home though. I let lenders know my address has changed and I scheduled my mock class for VIPKID. Hopefully it goes well. I could really use the extra $$$. I do have a story to tell that happened the other day, but that'll be in my next post.
Stay on the bright side and learn about others.
Take care of yourselves and each other.
Love, A Schizophrenic

Liberalism and Christian Universities

I never thought this would be an issue I would face or even ever hear about. That shows how dumb I am I guess.

Over the past several years, my thoughts and beliefs have been intentionally challenged by friends, fellow students, and professors at Lee University. All challenged with the same basic idea. Research and think. Know why you believe what you believe and understand/ expect the same from others. 

Lee is a Church of God institution which means it is a private christian university. On one side there are people who put me down because they think that I am "rich" and "an intellectual" capable of having a degree handed to me. They don't think about all the jobs I worked to pay my way and all the classes I failed in order to achieve my degree. Then there is another side. This side says 1 of 2 things. Either I'm a sweet and innocent (naive) little christian girl OR I am the biggest hypocrite to walk the face of the planet. I strive to be neither, honestly. These things I expected.

What I did not expect is the reactions I receive from many Christians. Some think its a great thing that I went to "That there Church of God school." Some think that the education has warped me into some liberal anti christ. Some say because I speak about understanding opposing views and supporting others in need that I am for the evil ways of this world.

I say understand the drug addict. They hear "Drugs are good." 

I say listen to the female seeking abortion. They hear "I support murder especially of babies."

I say accept the homosexual. They hear "Ignore and glorify all sin whilst having a drunken orgy."

I say God wants us to help our neighbors in need. They hear "Let all undocumented people in so that they can murder and spread their sin plants while taking our jobs."

I say fight against rape and toxic masculinity. They hear "all men are toxic and I am a feminazi."

Really the list goes on and on.

I just went through and found some scriptures. Not to fight anyone, but to support some things. There are christians out there that say I have become luke warm and am afraid to call sin what it is. Well, here ya go. I'm calling some hypocrites out on their sins....just like they asked. This is for those who believe your hatred is okay. I call this "being my brothers keeper."

Proverbs 18:2 A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion.

Proverbs 14:29 Whoever is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who has a hasty temper exalts folly.

Matthew 25:35-40" For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothes me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me." Then the righteous will answer him "Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?" The King will reply "Truly I tell you, whatever you did for the least of these brothers and sisters or mine, you did for me."

I realize that these scriptures may mean little to those of you who are not believers. In that case, all I can ask is that you try to understand others. 

I am not asking for anyone to change opinions. I am asking that you listen to understand not to respond. 

Be kind to each other as Christ would.

Take care of yourselves and each other.

Love, A Schizophrenic

misunderstandings

There are days where I feel so misunderstood. I think that sometimes people with mental disorders have a different way of thinking. Its kinda actually proven that we do, but that does not make our process and more or any less than someone else's. I also think that we have different ways of expressing those thoughts. This could be words or phrases that we use in every day life. This happens to me at my job. I may get overwhelmed and say "Okay. What am I doing?" To me, that is just me giving my brain a second to catch up to my actions. My coworkers sometimes interpret that as me saying "I don't know what this is supposed to be. What all goes on it?" It makes sense that they would think that, but that isn't actually what I mean. Sometimes this happens with bigger and more important things too. Once again, these differences do not make anyone less or more than another. 

Most of us have heard of the law recently passed in NY legalizing abortion up until birth. To clarify some things, this law is not to be used as birth control. It is intended to help mothers who may not make it if they deliver or have a c section. This is for mother expecting a still born child. I imagine both cases may live with regret for the rest of their life, but it is their call to make. Others may disagree and say that the call belongs to fate, destiny, time, or God. 

I am not writing this to state my opinion, trust me, I have an informed one. I am writing this to ask that people behave with respect towards one another. Most people have good intentions. So what makes a person good? Their intentions or their actions/words? Its an age old debate really. Remember how it was for you when you were misunderstood. Truly hear each other out. You don't have to change your mind or another persons, but the whole world would be a little more peaceful if their wasn't so much misunderstanding and aggression used to clarify.

I know I am not one to be talking. I am certainly not perfect and definitely have my share of mistakes and not so wise decisions. No one is perfect. Try to be kind. Stand for what you believe, but also try to be kind. 

Go with love and take care of each other.

Love, A Schizophrenic

Working late

So this morning was supposed to be my VIPKID mock class, but I ended up having to cancel. A couple people weren't able to show up at work and they were supposed to help close the store so I ended up working almost a 12 hour shift. I don't mind doing that some because I'd gotten used to long shifts when I worker for Lee U's Physical Plant. Sometimes I worked 16 hour shifts there. Anyway, I ended up having to do dishes for the last hour or so. I kept telling them I hate doing dishes and tonight they saw why. 1st, the steam from the sanitizer water almost made me have an asthma attack. 2nd, the soap water eats through the skin on my hands even with the gloves on. 3rd, both the sanitizer and soap water make my arms break out in hives. I think I really took one for the team tonight, but that's what they pay me the big bucks for.....oh wait....hahaha
I finally found out when I will be receiving my W2s so that is helpful. I only need 2 or 3 more documents before I can file my taxes. I like filing as soon as possible because I don't like being in a rush. I think it is important to get things done sooner rather than later, but I'm also lazy so that doesn't always happen.
Work hard even through the hard stuff. Take care of yourselves.
Love, A Schizophrenic

No luck

So neither of the cars I was looking out worked out, but that's okay. I think I will have more luck once my tax return comes in....if my previous employers will ever send me my W2s.
I know that I am too carless to really be picky about what I get. I need something that actually works though. Something that is going to last a while because it will possible be after my grad degree before I can think about getting another one. I really have my mind set on a Wrangler. I need a 6 cylinder to be able to handle the mountains and I also want a stick shift. I LOVE driving stick for several reasons. 1. Stick shifts are less likes to be stolen. 2. I fell kick ass saying my car is a stick. 3. Sometimes I like to pretend I am a race car driver....lol
Anyway, I  know the perfect one is out there and I will find it and love it soon. I just need to make sure I can afford paying it of over the next few years or how ever long. I think I've found an nsurnace company that will work with my income. I've also started working on VIPKID stuff again. I hope to teach at least 2 classes 5 days a week. Maybe more. That is just a good place for me to start I think and I can add or take away more if I need too.
I'm trying to stay positive through all of this, but who knows how long that'll last. I have a tendency to out of nowhere just throw a fit. lol It shows even in my work. Today makes a great example. I just got off work where there were times where I was the only one working a side. I made severalorders myself which I don't mind its just that there were SOOOOOOOO many at a time that were ridiculous. The other side tried to help,but they kept burning things which got things all mixed up because there were small orders that I was able to get done before that 1 was complete. Then when I had it on the grill on my side like 3 people came to me saying the customer was asking about their order. I felt attacked, but I also understood why the customer was upset. I'd be kinda peeved too if I had to wait almost 10 minutes for my order at a fast food place. I got her her food finally and went to the back to calm down. I had taken my frustration out on a couple others and just needed to remove myself for a minute. Then a lady came in and fussed when we gave her exactly 2 sides of guac like she ordered. She wanted bigger portions, but I wasn't allowed to do that without her paying extra. So her and the manager talked things over and the lady wasn't happy. Then another family came in at the tale end of this and unfortunately I served them a chalupa that was a little stiff. The lady politely came to the counter. I went to see what the problem was and apologized. I was proud of myself because I took ownership and made her a fresh one. My manager said that when things like that happen sometimes it is best to give the customer free cinnoman twist so I did. Taco Bell really seems like a good place to work y'all. I read through the employee stuff when they hired me. They talk a lot about making the customer happy and offering good service. There are also opportunities for raises and things.
Today was emotionally up and down, but thats okay because I made it through haha
Take care of yourselves. Know what you want and go get it. Be patient with yourself and others, but don't take crap from people.
Love, A Schizophrenic

A new car

I've been looking for a good used vehicle a lot lately. I think I have found one that I may be able to afford. It is a manual just like I like em and has 6 cylinders to get me over the mountains. Everything looks good on it. I am contacting the people again Monday. Today the guy left a message on my phone saying that they have some deals at the moment that may make it a bit cheaper for me. It comes with a warranty as well. If this is the one, God will make it work. :)
I've tried saving the past several years. My credit it poop so I need to be able to make a larger down payment, but I've been working hard for this. Good things come through hard work y'all. Even if this isn't the one, I know God will give me one when I need it.
Work hard and trust God.
Take care of yourselves.
Love, A Schizophrenic

Finally a day off

Today was my day of work and I had the day all planned out to perfection. I sat down to order a pizza and watch a movie. Just before I hit the "Place order" button on my phone, I got a messege from one of my managers asking if I could work today. Unfortunately for them I could not. Today is my only day to run errands and not do anything. Plus, I am pour painting with a friend later. I am so excited for that and just going shopping for the supplies is going to be fun!
I may post pictures of the results later. If anyone sees this and is interested in my art, please check out my facebook page: candace's canvas.
Try something new, get good rest, and take care of yourselves
Love, A Schizophrenic

How to deal with Hallucinations

I was going to wait until later to write this, but I just got off work and actually am not too tired.
One of the 1st things people ask me when I tell them of my diagnosis is "do you hear voices?" My answer is "almost always." Then of course they ask what they are saying at that time. I usually go on to explain that it isn't just voices I hear. I used to be wary of how I answered if I did at all. Now,I don't mind so much.It usually shows a person's interest in learning and understanding. Usually there are no intentions of malice. Then they say "wow. I couldn't tell." and ask me how  handle it all.
 I hear cellos playing (I sometimes and able to write down what they play and use it in compositions), I hear radio sounds, electronics speak to me, I hear my deceased mother's voice sometimes. She usually says my name, but other times I hear her say "She's schizophrenic." This one is the most disturbing to me. Not because I become afraid, but because it strikes a chord with me. That is a subject that I am saddened by? I don't know the best way to describe it. It usually messes me up when it happens. As a musician, hearing music can be a good thing. It can also be terrible if I am in a music class. I've failed and had to repeat aural skills classes before because I couldn't hear to dictate over the hallucinations.
I also see things and feel things that aren't there. Those are visual and tactile hallucinations. I see all kinds of things, animals, and people. Some are familiar, repeating, always there, and some come and go. Some I may see only once. Things get distorted and people split in half. I feel people sitting on my bed at night. I feel rain drops inside on my arms, I feel visual hallucinations bite me, and I sometimes even feel things like I am melting.
How on earth do I deal with all of this? This is, believe it or not, where aaaaaaaall those years of therapy come into play. Medication can only do so much. Therapy has taught me to identify reality from fantasy to a certain degree. If I am getting bad off, I can no longer consciously do this. They are things that I have sorta gotten used to. Some still sketch me out, but most are chill. If it is all too much for me to concentrate I just save what I am doing for later. I may even go rest for a bit. They get waaaaaaaaaay worse when I am tired. This is where not over scheduling yourself comes into play. Keeping a fairly flexible schedule is important to me. It gives me the opportunity to complete task when I am able. It allows me to schedule relaxation time. I sit down with hot green tea and Hulu or a book or both because I can't concentrate, but I can concentrate on 8 things at once?  Sometimes even speaking back and telling things to stop helps. Be advised. Some therapist and psychiatrist to warn against this behavior. It works for me sometimes. Make sure to talk to someone about this route before actually doing it.
I do have command hallucinations as well. This means auditory or even visual hallucinations tell me to do things. If I don't listen they keep demanding or name calling. 1, named Mary,  will even bite me. They often tell me to cut, self harm, kill myself, hurt someone else, or to run away. Honestly, these are the most terrifying of them all. If I slip into things too far, I might not come back. I could be stuck in my hallucinations. This has happened before except I can back. What if I slip in and listen to the wrong voice?
Sometimes informing (if you are able) a close friend or family member of something may be helpful. Just having someone else present sometimes helps me with my hallucinations. Don't be afraid to tell someone that you need to go to a ward or a hospital. It is better than killing yourself or hurting yourself or someone else.
I hope this helps someone! Please, take care of yourselves!
Love, A Schizophrenic

Pour Painting

I do a lot of painting and practicing saxophone to keep myself mentally active. I work mostly with acrylics and have been for a few years now. I've seen tutorial videos on youtube for acrylic pour painting. Tomorrow, a friend and I are going to give it a go and see what happens. Low key excited.
These things are important to keeping healthy. Some people choose athletics, acting, writing, academics, robotics, and all types of things. I highly recommend these things. You don't have to be great. You just have to find something that you enjoy.
Take care of yourselves!
Love, A Schizophrenic

High Expectations and Mental Disorders

Most people start off in life dreaming of being a beautiful princess or stunning prince charming, a super hero, or even a villian (this was me as a child). Most of us change a bit. We want to become professional athletes, rock stars, or astronauts. While I do believe that those are all realistic goals I also know that people are ever changing. We change a lot with age and experience. Then we decide we want to be police officers, doctors, teachers, artists of all sorts, moms and dads, lawyers, etc. In a perfect world nothing would force us off course or even onto a detour. We have goals, dreams, and ambitions. We have vision, ideas,and time. Then, out of no where, things change. Symptoms start to appear, doctors start to take notes, and medical bills get beyond control. Uncle Sam says you can't be in his military if you're crazy, schools don't want to deal with your schedule, jobs don't understand your breakdowns, and you? You just get pushed down. No more princess dreams, no more being a rock star, and no more bettering yourself. Now it is just "I hope I don't kill myself today." or "I hope I can make rent this month" and "I wonder if my friends will visit today."
It doesn't have to be like that. Sometimes it totally feels like it will never change and you'll always be stuck doing the same old same old. Other days you'll be on top of the world. Everyone has a battle. Your may be a mental disorder and that is okay. You still get to dream. You still get to set goals beyond the average every day, and work to make them happen. Your obstacles may be different and EXTREMELY FRUSTRATING! That's okay. Hold on and keep working. Things do not have to stay the same and they will never change if you don't make them change. It is okay to set and maintain high expectations of yourself.
I've been working at taco bell for like 3 weeks now. I am picking up some things fairly easily and others not so much. I like that the managers think I am fast. I want to start working the drive through line so that I'm not always having to fry things for them while making the dine in orders.
I threw a little fit towards the end of my shift today because I wasn't sure that I set up the cold line correctly. That sounds really really dumb because it is, but it also isn't? I just want to get to where I can do things without having to ask someone to remind me how to do it. I hate that I've had to ask how to change the paper filter in the fryers like 5 times now and what goes in a power bowl? I want to learn all of that super quick and I get angry when I don't remember. I want to learn to work the register and work drive through. I want to get a raise. I want to get a promotion, but I can't it I can't even remember what goes on a Frito Burrito. That's what pisses me off. The managers and trainers say that I am doing well considering I haven't been there long, but I can't wait until I am better.
This job is going to pay my way through a masters, y'all. I know I can't be too critical of myself, but I don't want to get too lax either.
Work hard and don't forget to breathe.
Love, A Schizophrenic

I'm done

So after our little group meeting we decided how to approach the situation and talk with Jon. He was a little mad that we all went to him as a group and felt attacked. We apologized because that wasn't the intent and then quickly got back to the subject so he didn't have a chance to avoid it. He went into a bunch of stuff about how you can be catholic and still do that stuff...Just let that sink in for a second. He basically said you can be a christian and worship the devil at the same time....There are scriptures against that. There is logic against that.
I don't know how he got into the stuff, but basically all of the friend group is keeping him in the category of "acquaintance" now. I did this because I have my soul to think about. He has heard the truth and decided to not believe it. I can only pray for him at this point.
Different topic now. Work....yeet yeet
 I'm working at Taco Bell to put myself through school. So far it is actually kinda fun sometimes. I like the timing myself and seeing how fast I can get things done. What I don't like is how many chiefs there are. There are times where it is like 3 trainers/managers in the store with like 3 or 4 regular crew members. That's fine, but then a manager/trainer sees you doing something the way another showed you and tells you it is wrong. Then they want to fuss when you say that so and so "is my trainer. Ima do it how they said." There are times when it is just a regular crew member correcting me too. That's totally fine, but not when they correct me on something the manager showed me how to do. That's just frustrating. At least I am friends with some of the manager trainer type people so when those particular people are working things are great. 99% of the time everyone is super chill though. Its just today all of the 1% happened at 1 time...towards me...I don't do conflict....when I do it sometimes is bad...anyway
Everyone take care of yourselves. Cut out the negativity, stay calm in the face of conflict, and do your best in every task placed before you.
Love, A Schizophrenic

How to ask questions

This post is mainly for those of you wanting to learn more of mental disorders. Maybe it is out of interest, wanting to gain knowledge, or trying to be more understanding/helpful to your friends or family with disorders.
The 1st thing to remember is that you cannot make anyone say anything they do not want to say.
2nd, their mental disorder is not about you. It is about their brain chemistry. Simple as that. I've found that lost of people with disorders have family members that take it personally and try to make things about themselves. Don't be that person.
3rd. When they want to talk, you shut up and listen. Listen with the intent to understand. Nothing more.
4th. The internet is not always correct. Make sure you find actual credit worthy pages to read.
5th. As old school as it sounds, books are better for this type of stuff. Research articles in magazines are also great. I'm all for old school.
6th. Make sure the person you ask is cool with you asking and do so in a setting that they prefer. If they aren't so public about their disorder, don't just ask away out in public. My friends and I have discussions about mental things in public all the time. Some people are cool with it and others aren't. Be respectful.
7th. Don't assume anything. Don't think that just because someone has hallucinations that they are schizophrenic. Don't even assume that you know what the disorder consist of. Example, someone with multiple personalities doesn't have schizophrenia. They have DID. Don't assume they are or are not taking medication.
Thats the best I can do for now.
Love your friends and family.
Love, A Schizophrenic

Jon has gone too far

Jon, the guy I awkwardly dated for like 3 days, is back in town. This is also the guy that left grody meat in his apartment and had a spell book on his counter before "going missing" as a prank. That was too far and we (the friend group) still haven't really let it go yet. Come to find out there is more to the story now.

I went to the store earlier today. "Earlier" as in after I got off work at 3am. I saw this chick wearing an MCR t shirt and hoodie. She was dressed in traditional emo wear which I thought looked really cool. I complimented her on her tshirt and hoodie. We began to talk and realized that we both know Jon, but she knows him a bit differently. According to Janis, emo chick, her and Jon were part of a group. Their group was a part of a "society" as she put it. Weird,but okay. She said that since I am friends with Jon I can probably be trusted? I have no idea what that was supposed to mean. 

Anyway, girl gives me her number and we start texting. I also text Jon to tell him I met a friend of his. He doesn't respond for a couple hours and I assume its just because he is in class. He finally text me back saying "Wow. Let me explain." I was so confused. He didn't have anything to explain, but he thought he did so I let him explain. Come to find out, he is totally into that whole spell thing and so is Janis. 

Last week (maybe the week before?) I told a girl that I no longer want to be friends with her because of the things she believed about me. I am going to have to have a talk with Jon. I do NOT want to be hanging around someone who is into that kind of stuff. It is dangerous. 

Some of you may beg to differ and thats cool. I just do not want to be linked to that stuff. It goes against everything I believe and I do not want to mess with it or be around someone who is involved with it for too long. I deleted Janis' number from my phone and am having a serious talk with the friend group later today before I head into work. We all are going to sit down and talk with him hopefully. I may have to sever ties with him. 

I can't keep getting accused of being possessed and hang around people who practice dangerous stuff. I know it sounds crazy and it may be because I am, but I also don't like that almost 50% of my blog post have to do with that type of stuff. I don't get why these people flock to me and why I always seem to get caught up in the weirdest things. 

I'll post more on this stupid stuff later. In the mean time, take care of yourselves.

Love, A Schizophrenic 

Master's application

Today I completed and submitted my application for a master's in music performance. I am nervous and excited and really really really really nervous.
I hope they contact me soon so that I can get an audition date set up. I need to figure out what music I need to have ready by the time IF IF IF they decided to let me audition. My teacher let me borrow her music so I may have to do a lot of ordering music. I'm so nervous.What if I do not get accepted or even asked to audition? Then, all my plans are, at best, put of until later. Everything also may just be completely ruined, but here's to staying positive.
I post this as an update, but also a way to remind you to take care of yourself. Like Rachel Star says, "Healthy me takes care of sick me." I am getting everything lined up now so if I am not well next month then at least I'll have a start.
Take care and go do the impossible.
Love, A Schizophrenic. 

Working and Mental Health

After this morning's post I thought it would be a good idea to write about some tips for working and taking care of yourself.
I was diagnosed with disorganized schizophrenia. I've been in and out of wards and units and blah blah blah. I've been on so many medications and seen so many doctors. I've had all the scans and pictures and anything else you can imagine. I've also managed to work sometimes 100+ hours a week. I successfully completed the requirements to receive my degree in Instrumental music education licensed K-12 with a saxophone concentration. I am working to earn a masters in performance now. Lots of people want to tell me that I probably am not actually schizophrenic because I am functional. Let me tell you, I have had to cancel trips because I could not get medical clearance. I've had to drop out of school because I could not stay out of wards. Just because I did it doesn't mean it was easy.
Here are some things I did to help myself along this journey. These are in no particular order.
1. Keep up with you medication. Make a calendar, get the old people pill organizers, make sure you have refills, and do not stop taking it until you talk it over with your doctor.
2.Go to your appointments. Psychologist and psychiatrist are not cheap, but they have ways of working with you so you can afford it. If they don't then they are money hungry and probably not any good anyway.
3. Stay hydrated and eat well.Your mind and body work together. You brain controls both. Take care of it.
4. Schedule schedule schedule. Do not over book yourself and allow time to chill and SLEEP.
5. Get a job if you can. Have a hobby. Create, learn to paint, learn an instrument, write songs, act, dance, something to get the creativity flowing. Athletics are fantastic as well!
6. Try to build a support system. For me this mostly consist of my dad and a couple close friends. My roommates know what to look for in my behavior as do I so we can tell if things are about to get bad.
7. Relax. Laugh. It helps. Maybe get a pet or hang out with a friend.
8. Put yourself through school if you want. :)

You can do more than you think and waaaay more than others think. Trust me, I know.
Love, A Schizophrenic

Mental Health and Work

So I recently began working at a Taco Bell in town. I was helping make food for the drive through when my coworkers began talking about counselling and psychiatric disorders that they have. I felt sooooooo awkward. I wanted to tell them about me because they were talking all about their anxiety disorders and like a.d.d and things of that nature.I finished the order, handed it to the window and turned to face them. I awkwardly blurted out, I have been diagnosed with disorganized schizophrenia. They all just looked at me. I put my head down and said, "Sorry. I just heard y'all talking about mental health things and thought I would jump in." They all were like "No, its fine." Then one guy began asking me questions about what it causes and things like that. They all listened. Later we all got back to work and it was fine.
My dad always tells me not to trust people. "Don't air out the dirty laundry." or "Don't spill all the beans." Sometimes people will be chill like my coworkers and other times people may react negatively. Sometimes it is difficult to tell which people will react in what way. Especially if your disorder compromises your ability to understand social construct. I am a firm believer in "if you don't talk about it, it will never change." Unfortunately, some people may try to get you fired from a place or treat you differently. I've had friends quite talking to me, friends have tried to exorcise demons from me, and others become afraid because they think I am a murderer....thanks Hollywood. Once again, these things may never change. They never will if we don't talk about it. I'm not telling you to make yourself uncomfortable and tell everyone you know.The decision is yours. There are still places and people I choose not to speak about it around. One day I will and that's fine. One day maybe you'll be okay with talking more about it and that's fine too. Sometimes it is okay to take chances. Do not be ashamed. If other people react poorly it is on them and not you.
Love yourself and don't be ashamed.
Love, A Schizophrenic.

Getting ready

I am working on a Bozza Caprice for saxophone to play for an audition hopefully in couple months. It is marked Allegro Moderato and is kicking my butt. I barely have it at an andante tempo. I need to start working on other pieces too.
Anyway, I was upstairs in my apartment practicing when something odd happened. I ended up getting a call from an unknown name. It pissed me off because I was using my phone's metronome. So I ignored the call. The same number called back again so I thought it was someone important calling. When I answered all I could hear was my metronome start ticking again so I hung up. Like 5 minutes later I get another call. SAME NUMBER! I exit out of my met and answer the phone. Some weirdo answers back and says "I hear you."
I immediately hung up the phone and kept practicing. 10 minutes go by so I thought it was over. The phone called again. It is the same number. I have no idea who it is and it isn't calling from an area code I recognize. The same thing happens."I hear you." I hang up. I am done practicing so I pack up and go down stairs to make something to eat. While I'm waiting I start watching youtube videos. THEY CALLED AGAIN!!!! I didn't do anything. I just let it ring.
They haven't called back, but that was weird.
Y'all, don't be answering calls from unknown name.
Love, A Schizophrenic

Do the impossible

So I've decided that I want to go ahead and begin earning a master's degree in music performance. I had to get a new job since I graduated and can no longer work as a student worker on campus, but it is difficult to find temporary teaching jobs.I decided to just get what ever job would hire me 1st and make the best of it because I really want to start a masters in the fall.
Thanks to some friends of mine I got hired at a local Taco Bell. So far it seems like a good place to work. The people are good and there are opportunities for promotions and raises. They also started me above minimum wage which is pretty sweet. I also am working to get hired by VIPKID. I want to save and use some of my tax refund to buy a used car and start paying on student loans. I also can save a few bucks here and there to help pay for school. I think I also want to get in the system as a substitute teacher which will help me make use of my teaching degree.
After earning the master's, I plan to get more teaching experience after earning my masters. After a few years of that I want to get a doctoral degree and teach at a university. I'd really like to teach at Lee University. I seems like a special place.
I make this post for multiple reasons.
1. I want to keep my blog updated better and kinda make it a journal
2. I want those of you with a mental illness to realize that the world (and maybe yourself) may tell you you can't make it. They'll want to tell you that you are too broken, too slow, too messed up, or too unstable. You can prove them wrong. You can prove yourself wrong. I used to think that getting a degree...or even going to college was impossible for me. Now, I like to do impossible things. It is a hobby. Didn't Alice in Wonderland talk about doing "7 impossible things before breakfast?" Personally, God helps me with these things.
3. Yesterday, I totally had a melt down. I am graduated, but still living with college students. Yes, I plan on going back to school, but I got so over whelmed when I realized how much I really owe in loans. I beat myself up because I don't know what I really want to do in life. This goal that I've made seems right, but time will tell. I want to play saxophone and I want to compose. I want to be in a place where skills are cultivated....mine and other's. This post is helping to solidify this idea in my mind and remind me that I've already (through the help of God) done the impossible. If I've already done the impossible, then I can do more impossible things. God has got me this far so I know he'll get me through the rest of the way and it will be fine. It may be rocky, but it will all work out.

These are things and the types of goals that people do not want to tell you you are capable of, but you totally are. Do the impossible.
Love, A Schizophrenic

Sleep schedules

Sleep schedules are important. We've all had those days or weeks where we've had little to no rest and it shows. Work keeps us awake, our minds race, there is so much to worry about and think about, and you have to be up early to do God knows what. It sucks.
Finding a way to resolve and set a sleep schedule is so important especially if you have a mental disorder like schizophrenia. It gives your over worked, sick brain a second to calm down. I don't know about y'all, but I don't have hallucinations when I sleep. Just saying. It gives your brain a chance to recover from the day and your mind time to sort out unnecessary information that you often know nothing about. Sleep gives your muscles an opportunity to relax and repair any damage and your organs a chance to catch up on what ever they've been doing.
I've noticed how grogy and worthless I am when I've had too much sleep. I feel lazy and end up just hating myself. A disorderly brain can have too much fun with that. I get irritable and lose self control easier when I do not have enough sleep. I find that I make the dumbest mistakes when I'm tired.
How do you fix the messed up schedule?I am going to tell you a secret that other people do not want you to know. You are in charge of you. You do not have to do anything you do not want to do. If you know you need to be in bed by a certain time so you can be ready in the morning then don't be afraid to tell your friends that. If your boss is scheduling you too many hours TELL THEM. Communication works...unless someone is an arse. If you don't want that 7:45am class....don't take it. If you do want it, take it and make sure to work it into your schedule. You are in charge of you. Don't ever let people tell you that you HAVE to do something you are uncomfortable with or that is unhealthy for you.
Take care of yourselves.
Love, A Schizophrenic

Schizophrenia and demons part 2

This is in relation to the story I sent to the mighty.
I basically decided I do not want to be friends with someone who tells me I am possessed or oppressed. I decided to tell Hannah that I would not be her friend anymore and I am not going to her wedding. She tried to deny everything. I told her what I needed to tell her and then ended it. Then her husband calls Zeph and explains whats happening, but Zeph takes my side and told them they were wrong to say those things.
I know that a lot of my post have to do with demons and such, but it is a subject that comes up a lot when people find out I am a diagnosed schizophrenic. It is especially common with the religious folk. I mean people from a few different religions have brought it up, bit just the Christians. I do think that some people can be possessed, but just because someone has a mental disorder does not mean they are possessed or oppressed. I am vocal about these things because I want to help educate people and end stigmas. If you have a mental disorder you are not broken. Your brain functions differently.
Love, A Schizophrenic

Reliving the drama

So basically Jon asked me out one night and I felt super awkward, but I told him yes.
It lasted 3 days. I couldn't handle the awkwardness of it and it just felt so wrong because I always thought of him as a little dumb not related brother.
Anyway, Zeph got a kick out of it all. Then his girl left him and Jon made fun of him for it. One day when Jon was out and about, Zeph saw an odd book on Jon's bed. They share a room so no privacy was breached. Zeph contacted me saying the book was about demonology and had some spells in it. He moved out after that. So, Zeph is still friends with me. Jon doesn't speak to me, and Drae doesn't chill with me even thought I wish he would.
The last few weeks of classes went by and all blurred together. What really went wrong was all centered around that book. Jon apparently admitted to Drae that he'd been using that book to "invite things" and tried to make something bad happen to Zephry because of the prank war. Zeph then tells me and Maggie. Maggie, who is fed up with Jon heads over to talk to him. He wasn't there, but the door was open so she went it to see if maybe Drae was home. On the counter she found another small book containing demonic and witchcraft things. She said she left immediately and knew it was not smart to go in there. Most of our friends have a fairly open door policy. She gets a hold of drae who admits to not staying in the apartment anymore due to Jon becoming extremely messy. Drae then speaks to me and says that Jon is still doing those things even thought the prank war ended when the Laspenis moved out. The RA of the apartments ends up contacting Drae. The RA had heard nothing from him in a while and said no one was home the past few times he stopped by to discuss some complaints. Drae decided to go meet with him and meet back up with me and Zeph later for dinner.
When he meets up with us, he tells us all about it.
"Its some real creepy shit man." He went on to explain that Jon hadn't been home, but people had seen him wondering the building and the smell from the apartment was rancid. Through a series of contacts we figured out Jon's location. Maggie drove us to him. He said that things got out of hand and that he got the place "infested" and that is why he can't go back. We told him that people had seen him wondering the building. "That wasn't me!" He kinda freaked out for a minute. Drae spoke to the RA who checked the keycard records. Jon had scanned in several times in the evenings. He was just "so depressed" that he didnt want to be found and made up some dumb story to freak everyone out. He called it his "last move" in the prank war. He said that the ball wasin our court. Naturally we officially declared the war over.
I do have to saw it was an ultimate move. The stench he made from leaving meat out on the counter. That he worked with Drae on, but Drae didn't actually know where Jon had went. Y'all, be careful with the moves you make in prank wars.
Love, A Schizophrenic