My mother's voice

Yesterday, I was just chilling and cooking some dinner. I was home alone. While standing in kitchen, I heard my mom's voice say "schizophrenia." At 1st I only heard it one time, but as the evening progressed she just kept saying it.
I hate when I have hallucinations of her. She died when I was a 12 and I don't remember her much. I am hurt by the loss of someone I, for what ever reason, can't remember much of. I remember the night she died all too clearly though. Usually when she is apart of a hallucination it is of her dead, but still alive. She walks to me with her eyes back in her head, the foam is still coming out of her mouth, she walks towards me saying "help me. Help me." ( I think she's saying that because when I was a kid she would have seizures. Oddly, she was able to repeat the words "help me" while she was seizing.) Then, she sticks her arms out reaching for me. Even though her eyes are rolled back she is always able to see me and follow me. I hate that I have to run from my own mother. I hate that the only time I ever hear her voice is during hallucinations.
People, enjoy your parents while you have them. One day they won't be there or, at least, won't be there in a pleasant form.
Love, A Schizophrenic

The jeff Files: irritated

1st off, sorry it has been a bit since I've been on here. I'll explain in a post to follow this one.
Anyway, lets add this to The Jeff Files.
A few weeks ago, I was helping a coworker. The next day, Jeff checked the work only because of the person who did it, and then made him do it all again. As they were talking, I was around the corner working on something else. I heard him say that workers like me are lazy and self entitled. He said that wotkers like me "don't give a s%#t" and that I should never be trusted to do actual work. Pissed, I went to.my boss man. He knows I am not lazy and that I work whenever I can and put everything I have into my work. All that for someone who is an assistant manager to wait until he thought I couldn't hear him to call me lazy. For real?
Yes, there are lazy people in this generation. Guess what. There are also lazy people in the previous.generation. Anyway, don't be lazy.
Love, A Schizophrenic

There was a time when I feared them. A time that I would not go into the dark. They were everywhere. There was a time when I was a slave to my own mind. The torture I dealt with was too much. I cut. Sometimes to see the pain, or to see something real for a change. Sometimes it was my choice. Sometimes it was because they told me to. If I said "no" they'd bite. There bites hurt worse than cuts. There was  time my step mom thought I was demon possessed. There were times she said "oppressed."
Today these things are worked through. Today they still exist, but I have been trained to deal with it. Deal with it so I don't scare you.
Happy Independence Day
Love, A Schizophrenic

Speak of the devil...

And he shall appear. Today, a guy I work with went with me to taco bell for lunch. We'd been there for maybe 30 minutes eating and Tyler walks in. I didn't see him come in, but my coworker did. He goes "Hey! There's your friend that used to work here!" "What's his name? Tyler?" I immediately shushed him and mouthed the words "we aren't friends anymore." We tried to carry on our conversation, but my coworker kept laughing. I noticed other people in the dining area laughing. I over heard a guy at the table by us ask his buds "is that appropriate?" I almost turned to look and see what they were talking about. I asked my coworker what he was laughing at. "He is wearing tight yoga pants." About that time the employee calls Tyler's name to give him his order. He walked out the door I was facing. He was wearing his blue tank top he always wears and tight black yoga pants. My coworker died laughing. "You could see everything." He said. I explained to my coworker that Tyler does ballet and the dance studio.he goes to is almost next door to the restaurant. 

The thing is that I had another dream about him last night. He wasn't in the dream, but the dream was about him. I don't really remember much of it at all. I just know it was about him. Anyway, I kinda felt bad for him. Literally everyone in the store that I could see without turning around was laughing at him. I imagine the people behind me were also laughing because I did hear them make some comments too. He seems to be dragging himself down a lot lately. I cut him out of my life and yet everyone still finds it necessary to tell me all about him.

Friends, justice sometimes serves itself. People will get what comes to them and a lot of the time you don't have to do anything to make that happen. Stay calm and stay out of the way and your enemies will often drag themselves down. 

Love, A Schizophrenic

Carson's Last Chapter

You're probably wondering why I randomly started writing about Carson....and why I am for the 2nd time today. The reason is that today, I watched the movie The War. I tried all that summer to get people to sit down and watch it all the way through with me. No one would except Carson. I told him it is 1 of my all time favorites and before I could even tell him about it he wanted to watch it. So, we did. Anyway on to the events.
He and I had just eaten dinner, his treat, at a place called City Cafe. We split a cake.he is the only person I know of that can eat his share and what was left of mine. We hopped into his car and headed to campus. He said that he needed to talk to me, but he wanted to wait after dinner. I immediately felt like a ton of bricks had fallen on me. "I am transferring. I won't be back to Lee." He said this and I didn't know what to think. 1st 1 "best friend" quits talking to me and now this guy I really like has to leave. At the same time he ws finally getting out of this town he hates so much and away from his crapbag of a family. Also, I ws furious. When was he gonna tell me? Why would he allow himself to get close if he knew it was only temporary?
"I just made the decision." He said. He told me that he had talked with records and admissions here and other schools including USC. He said it was far away without being out of the country and has many degrees offered in the fields he wants to study. He had to make a quick decision. He was going out there 4 months early in search of a job until the next semester starts. He would be in town for 2 more weeks after he dropped the bricks. I begged him to get social media, but he wouldn't. He doesn't like being tied down by technology and instant news. Now I guess he has a.new phone and lost my number. I don't want to talk much more of this now, but I may go into more detail.about Carson later.
Relationships hurt.
Love, A Schizophrenic

The secret about Carson

Last night's post was me spilling beans on a secret. No one knew about Carson until then. Now, to shed some light onto the beginning of the story.
The guy that I called my friend was Tyler. He and I, I thought, were pretty good friends. Unfortunately I had a little crush on him that was hard to break even after he told me is gay. Eventually, I stopped liking him like that and thought of him more as a brother. But, as I should have known from my past, brothers can't be trusted. That couple months or so that he was gone was when I met Carson. Carson made all thoughts of anyone else leave my mind. It was oddly refreshing. I didn't speak to Tyler and he didn't speak to me. The day he got back on campus, I was with Carson. He and I were walking around together. We saw him and I'm sure he saw us. We all just ignored each other. Of course  Carson didn't know to intentionally ignore him because they had never even met. Or so I thought.
I knew tyler had been sleeping around that previous semester because he would tell me. Some of my other gay friends said that they "knew" him. So, later I explained to Carson why I was so quiet when he passed by. "That name sounds familiar." He told me as we got to the music building. I showed him a picture. "I know him. He tried to get with my brother." I was in shock. I was hoping to get away from all of that. This brought on the whole "I didn't know you had a brother" thing which led to a much needed subject change.
Anyway, for a while I thought that explained why Tyler didn't speak to me that semester and why he wouldn't respond to my text. Maybe that was it. Maybe it wasn't.
Remembering all of this and getting to where I was ready to talk must have messed with my head some. Last night I dreamed I was at a party. Tyler was there. For a second, I let my guard down and let him see me smile. We were looking at something and talking. In my dream I thought, "maybe we can still be friends." I felt so happy. Maybe it is because I am thinking about not ignoring him. I don't want to talk to him, but maybe acknowledge his presence in a room or something. Also, I don't want to deal with that. He'd make it to be all my fault.
Anyway, secrets and thinking can eat away at you. Be careful.
Love, A Schizophrenic

A Summer's Love Story

Sometimes I just want to disappear. That summer was no different. There was a guy I really thought I liked. He left for a couple months towards the end of summer. While he was gone we didn't talk. I am okay with that.
One evening it was blistering outside. All the kids flocked to the river where the trees canopy over the swimming hole. Just down about a rock's toss was my favorite secret. The water was clear as day and the trees made just the right amount of shade, but didn't leave their branches to crowd the water. The high rocks on the far bank made perfect jumping spots. You could barely hear the kids in the other swimming hole. It was peaceful. I snuck off there many times those evenings. Mainly I did just to think and be alone.
I had been there maybe all of 5 minutes when I heard someone coming. I jumped up to leave. "You don't have to go anywhere." He said. A smile swept across his face and his green eyes lite up. "My name is Carson. I go to Lee." He sat down next to where I ws standing and dangled his feet into the water. I sat back down and joined him. Of course I was thinking stranger danger, but in that moment's mood I didn't care what happened. He told me more about himself. I gave him my name. We began to talk. Soon we were laughing a joking around. "Carson! Where are you?!" We heard a woman yell behind us. He told me to hide. I hid behind a boulder as she came closer. "Yer daddys lookin for you! Get back to the house now!" She hollered. "Meet me here at 6 tomorrow." He whispered before he ran off. That I did.
I climbed througb the bushes to see him swimming in the water. "Hey!" He climbed out. His eye was black and swollen on the left side of his face. Of course he gabe an excuse, but later that summer he revealed to me that his father was quite the abuser and his mom the enabler. That summer we snuck off everyday together in the evening. I told all my friends I was going to.bed, but I was really going to meet up with Carson. We kept each other calm company. Thats what we both needed. Some days we sat by the river, sometimes we swam, other days we'd walk for miles that only seemed like a few feet together. His smile always cheered me up. He said my adventurous side always gave him meaning. The last day I saw him he said he was transferring schools. Said he had to get out of this place and away from the people. He told me if I ever needed him I knew where to find him.
Today I went back to that secret spot.
Love, A Schizophrenic

Here's to George

When I was a kid my family loved near south statesville. My grandparents were just dowm the road and my school was around the corner. There were plenty of kids in the neighborhood. My friends Tammy and Hosea and I played a lot. I would go and sit on Mott's front porch and she'd sit with me. She always had stories to tell. This story is from was told to me by my dad. I don't remember it, but I remember George.
 There was a man who lived in an apartment across the street from her. I'll call him George. I never knew his actual name. George would pace his balcony back and forth all day every day. One day, George saw me playing in the road. He also saw a car coming towards me. My parents also saw, but could not get to me. They were a few houses down the street. George was closer. He ran down his stairs and snatched me out of the way just before the car hit me. The vehicle raced by as if the person driving had no clue as to what just happened. A few seconds later my parents reached me. They thanked him and invited him over for dinner. He accepted. We had beans, biscuits, mac n cheese, and apple pie. Mama asked George how he'd been. He said he's been alright. He kept tapping his forearms all throughout supper. After dessert and talking for a bit, George thanked my parents and went home. He went back to pacing on his balcony.
I was about 2 at the time. I saw George almost every day it seemed for the next 3 years. He'd be pacing back and forth on his balcony. Some times he'd be gone for a while, but then another day he'd be there doing the same thing. Pacing. He was a good man.
One day I realized it been too long since I'd seen George. I asked my mama where he went. "Honey, George had something called paranoid schizophrenia. He hanged himself a few weeks ago and his family found him."
At the time, I didn't know really what that meant. Somedays I hopped she was wrong and I'd see him on his balcony, but I never did. Hollywood and the media would lile to have us believe that people should fear mental illness. They want people to think that they should fear others who habe mental disorders. That is dumb. George was a hero. Thanks George.
Love, A Schizophrenic

Dark blue

As you can probably tell by the title of my blog, I do have schizophrenia. I haven't been on here in a few days because certain hallucinations have decreased my ability to concentrate. Today, I decided to give it a go. I'll just tell you about my hallucinations the past few days.
I saw 1, Used To Be is her name, that I haven't seen in a long while. Well, first I heard her scratching my door while I was trying to clean my room. Then she crawled under the crack. She then scurried across the room like a dog and into the closet. Remind you that Used To Be used to be a lady. She has never told me what happened to make her how she is now. She has wide eyes and shaggy white hair. She is small like a tiny step stool. Her back is flat like a table and she crawls around on what is left of her arms and legs. She almost reminfs me of a dog. She doesnt really speak. Only growls and grumbles. Anyway, a few seconds later a dark blue shadow appeared next to me. It was thick. As the day went on it continued to get in my way. It took many shapes and sizes. Sometimes it stood and watched me from across the room and other times it tried to get up close and personal. Never did it seem violent. It was just always there. It projected radio static. I could see the static and hear it.
Sometimes hallucinations come and go. Sometimes they stick around or return later. They can be distracting. A schizophrenic brain usually had a tought time concentrating without hallucinations so most of the time they make it worse. Be patient with us.
Love, A Schizophrenic

A stranger in my own home

I live in this pretty nice little home. It is cozy with a nice kitchen and wood floors. We have a good deal considering the square footage. I've lived here the past 3 or 4 summer and it has been fine.
This summer is different. My roommates are all kind. They also always have people over. I never know who they are and they never leave. Many times they stay the night. Like, I have to pay rent to stay here. They should too. They're here more than I am. I am never notified that anyone is going to be in MY HOUSE THAT I AM PAYING FOR! It is flat out rude. I have been too nice to say anything, but I had to today. I sent a message to the only person I really know here telling her what I think. I wasn't rude, but I was honest. We'll see how it plays out I guess.
Don't let people treat you lile crap.
Love, A Schizophrenic

Project antique

Last Christmas I visited my family in North Carolina. I was talking with my aunt and asking her about when she was younger. I like hearing stories about how things used to be. She told me all about my mom and grandma and how they could all go out to eat for less that a dollar together. She told me about how fearless my mom seemed and how my mom wouldn't allow anyone to pick on her. She told me about my grandmaw and her crafts. She gave me a angel of beads that Grandmaw made. Then she gave me Grandmaw's old jewelery box from when she was a child.
This summer, I decided to restore it. My 1st step was research. I learned that the box is from the 1930s. It was made by a company that sold cigars in fancy looking boxes during the great depression. That way, the men folk could have their cigars and the ladies got a jewellery box. I haven't got any work done on it yet, but here is a picture of it now. I'll post more as I go along.
Never be afraid to have projects. Small or large. Mistakes may happen, but it helps the learning process.
Love, A Schizophrenic

Even more Philippines

More Philippines

Pictures from The Philippines

The Red Menace

At my job there is a white dry erase board on the wall in one of the bays. It is usually used to quick draw some layout plans or to remind people to do something. Sometimes the marker gets left out there and we write silly things like "so and so farted"or "so and so is a dingus." We do it just to be silly and have a bit of fun. This new guy, Dennis, shows up. He's a cool kid, but he says odd things sometimes. For example, he likes to be called "The Red Menace" imstead of Dennis the Menace. I usually referre to him as The Red Rocket. He also cannot handle bathroom humor. One of the guys farted next to him and he go so offended. We try to joke around, but go easy on him. Well yesterday someone wrote on the board a silly comment about him. He got us all in trouble over it. I couldn't help but laugh. Paul told me all the board said was "Dennis farted." 

Before that happened some us, including the red menace, were sitting in the break room at lunch. We were talking and joking around with each other and someone brought up deep fried foods. The red menace says "someone told me about deep fried butter. Its on a stick." I jokingly said "Have you ever had double deep fried butter on a stick? Its good." He responds with "no. I respect my body." Still just playing around I asked "Are you saying I don't respect my body?" He says,"No. I am just saying that I do not want diabetes." He was so serious. I thought, let me try once more and maybe he'll see I'm joking. I was wrong. I asked him, "Are you saying I have diabetes?" "No. I'm not saying that." He snapped back. This kid didn't get it. So I just laughed and said "oh, okay." A few seconds go by and he says "You know, Candace, you jump to conclusions." I hate when people say that to me. Only 1 other person has said that to me in the past and he is an ass. Anyway, I said "Okay. Explain." Dennis replied with "You said that I thought you have diabetes." Then I said, "No. I just asked if thats what you were saying." The guys kinda giggled. It was quiet for maybe 30 seconds and dennis blurts out "I guess I don't have the best debate skills!" I said "If that's what you think." "I didn't say that I am absolutely terrible or the worst!" Was his response. He then got up and left. I imagine that is when he saw the board because a few minutes later I walked out and there were remains of something written on the board. 

Don't be a whinner. Learn to joke around. Dont dish it if you cant take it. 

Love, A Schizophrenic

Lake Michigan and Tim the Cockateil

Best friends wedding

Michigan was cool. We were in the upper peninsula for my besties wedding last week. Anyway, I'm trying to put a picture or 2 on here.
It was beautiful, and yes I had a yupper bar and a pastie. The Mackinac bridge was cool. It reminded me of some from the outer banks. It seemed only about 70 degrees and the water of lake michigan was refreshing.
The wedding though. That was the most beautiful thing. I've never seen her so happy before. That was all that mattered that day. She looked beautiful in her dress. The maid of honor and the brides maids were all breathtaking as well. The colors were purple and white which fit her amazingly. Be happy for your friends and treat them right.
Love, A Schizophrenic

Totem poles

So a few weeks ago my boss says we're under employed and we need people. He also says we may be working 6 days a week always instead of taling turns on saturday or doing a 5 day rotation. This is fine by me because I am poor and need money.
Yesterday we had a meeting. No one tolde so I got there late. Basically what ws said is that we must be in our mules and pulling out of the shop by 6am. If we aren't we will be written up. 3 write ups and we're fired. Also, we are only working until 4 now so we only get 9 hours a day. That is a big chunck of our paychecks gone. Only the people getting paid by the hour thougb. The salary people aren't affected. The guys are talking about finding new jobs. Even Jeff has mentioned quitting if we lose more hours. The guys are wondering where all these power moves are coming from lately.
Also, add this to the Jeff files. My boss pretty much handed over all say so to him in the meeting. He said that if he tells us to do 1 thing and later jeff tells us another then we're to do what jeff says because jeff probably seen something before he did. This means we're always listening to jeff and that means when we do what jeff says and its wrong, we get in trouble. Like what is going on here?
I really just don't like losing the hours on my paycheck. If i loose pay they should too. With the low man, the totem pole doesnt stand.
Also, im poor, stressed, and angry. Life is a mess, but hang in there.
Love, A Schizophrenic

Sympathy empathy

A friend recently shared with me an article from Harvard. It was the results of research. There was a control group of healthy people  and the others all had been diagnosed with schizophrenia. Through a process, it was determined that people with schizophrenia benefit less from social cues. They lack empathy for others. Many also lacked sympathy.
It is nice to know that I am not the only.one pretending to care about others most of the time. I'm not using it as an excuse to be rude. If you know someone with schizophrenia, encourage them to at least learn proper responses. For example, my friend told me her aunt died and she was heart broken. I didnt feel a thing, but I have learned the proper response for that was an "aw. I'm sorry. That really sucks." Something like that accompanied with an attempt to seem sad kept me from social trouble. Learning simple responses like that have helped me a lot. Now I don't do things like laugh at funerals or stare at crying people. Lol. It sounds butthole ish and odd that those things in an adult have to be taught, but it is either that or deal with a socially awkward schizophrenic borderline butt. Understand that brain disorders are not a choice. They are chemical/structural abnormalities that effect the individual more than you are aware. It effects the thought process, behavior, and emotions of the individual. Be patient and educate yourself.
Love, A Schizophrenic

Oh, Canada

My best friend, Amber, is getting married. She lives all the way in the upper peninsula of Michigan. I tell her she is canadian as a joke. My other friend and I made the drive up here a couple days ago. Sylvia's parents let us stay at their house on the way up through Ohio.
I'm honestly just kinda annoyed and I'm not even a part of the wedding. I'm sure everyone that is is super stressed and annoyed also. There are so many loud people up here that keep forcing themselves near me. It wouldn't be bad if they weren't loud and annoying. It was like a light show when I was trying to sleep because everyone had their phones and laptops on the brightest setting possible. They all kept walking near me too. Like, it is 1 am. Go the fuck to bed. My friend always trys to tell me how to do everything. She says it is because she is a teacher. I don't care. I am not an idiot. The fiance seems like a drama king jerk. He isnt happy with us being around. I can tell because when we're around he's always fighting for Amber's attention. He always says, "Am I allowed to talk now?" Like, you gotta share bro. We had her first. Then he tagged along on a little tour of the town. I just wanted to have some time with my friend I havent seen in 3 years. Anytime I went to say something to her or my other friend said something he always let out a big sigh. He always tries to pull Amber off to the side and keep her there. He seems waaaaay to serious. This whole post may seem super jerk offish, but I dont care. I will say that I am always super slow to warm up to most people. I rarely give new people the benefit of a doubt. Jason did come and talk and kinds express his mind on setting things up. He is nice. I think I am starting to like him a bit more.
I also hate how I have to guard what I say around my other friend. She got upset when Ambers sisters were talking about some girl. She doesnt even know her. I feel forced to be nice to this girl back home so my friend doesnt get upset. I'm almost to the point that I want to not watch my mouth around her. I dont care if she gets upset. I'm going to do and say what I want to.
You can be an independent person. You do not have to do or say anything you don't want to, even if saying what you want  is rude. Sometimes you need to get it out somehow.
Love, A Schizophrenic

The crazy ex files

Jordan came by today. I was surprised. He told me that he had to go somewhere to get away from his girl friend. We went and sat on the back patio and he told me everything. Apparently, she still thinks he is cheating on her with me. She went through his phone and his house searching for evidence. When he got home from work today she was drunk and began screaming "you think you're so smart because you can hide her from me!" He said that she kept yelling and referring to me as "the da#$ Rastafarian." I have locs but am not rasta. Anyway, they ended up arguing and she threw her bottle at him. He said she was so drunk that it completely missed and landed on the sofa. She stumbled out the door. Jordan grabbed her keys and said to her "at least sober up before you kill yourself." From there things got worse. Eventually shr locked herself in the bathroom and thats when Jordan said he left. He thanked me for listening and said that he better go make sure she is okay. Jordan hopped on his motorcycle and left.
A few minutes later I was imside watching Pretty Little Liars on Netflix. I hear someone yelling outside. I went to.the window and saw her. A bottle in 1 hand and a cigarette in the other. She was yelling at the apartment next door. I made surey blinds were shut and the doors/windows were all locked. After a few minutes everything was quiet again. I looked out and she was sitting and crying. It seemed more like hurt crying than rage crying so I thought that maybe that would be an ok time to say something.
I grabbed  box of Kleenex and went out. She didnt even look up. I dropped them next to her and said "He's not cheating on you." I turned to go back inside because drunk people are not logical. She whimpered "wait." And struggled to get to her feet. She said "He has to be" before she could finish I interrupted with, "but he's not." She argued back louder "he has to be. Just look at me." I did just that because I didn't know how to respond to that. She said "How could.he love me and let me be like this?" It pissed me off. I said "Look, lady. From what I hear he tried to stop you, but you are an adult. You did this to yourself. You chose this. Take responsibility." She just stood there. "F you." She yelled as she stumbled away.
I just got back in the house and settled on the couch when the doorbell rang. I rolled my eyes and checked the peep hole to see who else would be bothering me. It was Jason. I opened the door partially. He asked "have you seen her?" I told him what happened and in what direction she left.
Evidently he found her. Her brothers were with him and they took her to a rehab plave about an hour away. Jason didn't stay because he isn't related and couldn't go in with her to help get her settled. Instead, he came and told me she had been found and what all was going on. He apologized on her behalf and left.
People, stay away from alcohol. Everyone knows the addiction stories, but thinks it will never happen to them because they are "more mature" and "stronger" than everyone else. They all say it is fun, but don't remember what they did while they were drunk. Then, they wake up sick with a hangover and bad breath. It isn't worth it. Save yourself some money and pride and just leave the stuff alone.
Love, A Schizophrenic

You choose yours

A few weeks ago I went to do yardwork for my band director. I told him what I wanted to do with my life after I graduate. He ended up bluntly giving me a list of reasons of why I can't do what I want to do. It was almost rude...hateful even. I was honestly taken back at what he told me. I asked him "what is so wrong with my playing that I can't do that?" He told me that at this level I should be able to figure that out for myself. Then he asked "do you know who I think the best performer in the school of music is?" Of course I knew. Tim. Tim is 1 of his favorites so of course Tim is always the best. What sucked is that after this conversation I had to go and do his yard work with tears in my eyes. A lady rides by and ask him what he was having done to his yard. He explained that I am 1 of his students. Then I heard him say something along the lines of "I got to take advantage while I have them." Like...is that all I am to you? Am I just someone who does yard work terribly? I'm sure I'm not even good at that.

Before this happened I told him I want to take composition classes too. He said I need to focus on my degree requirements, especially aural skills. I don't suck at aural skills. I get A-'s on sightsinging that vocalist fail at. My problem is dictation. I don't suck at it either. I just can't her the music over the 1000 voices screaming at me because I am about as crazy as they come. So I have that obsticle to work around. He doesn't understand that. No one does. 

I have decided to take the compositiom classes anyway because this is MY education and I decide what happens. I do not care how much it cost. I am willing to pay. I have decided that I am good at what I do. I shouldn't have to prove myself to him or try to be one of his favorites. I have also decided that when I ho and do something amazing no one will get the credit but.me and God. I was never noticed much growing up and the same for now. I will do something big though. It will be amazing. 

I get to choose.

Love, A Schizophrenic

Reminders

I have dealt with my diagnosis. I know things are going to be hard for me and there isn't really anything that can be done about it. Sometimes the hardest part isn't the disorder. Sometimes the hardest part is knowing the things that I cannot do because of the disorder.
My family has a large military history. When I was a kid I would try my best to decide if I wanted to go into the air force or the marines. It was a tough decision. I would think all day about it and read books about it during library time at school. I chose the marines basically because when I told people they would always say "that's almost impossible." I like impossible and I like challenges. I was ready. Then I got sick. I tried everything. I searched for every loophole. Sometimes I still google questions about schizophrenia and the military. I hate that I ruined my chances because I couldn't think about the future and keep my mouth shut. Maybe I coulda made it work. Everything I wanted was washed down the drain. Now what? I don't want to be a teacher or have some desk job. I don't want to be an athlete. I don't care about those things. I just wanted to be a marine. I ruined my life.
Now everytime someone brings up the military all I can do is think about it. I look down and feel crushed because I am reminded of what took my happiness and wrecked my future. I am reminded of what I can never be. Ever.
Love, A Schizophrenic.

Motorcycle guy's girlfriend...

Motorcycle guy knocked on my door today. I was shocked to see he got a hair cut and shaved. He smiled and asked "remember me?" I didn't want to invite him in after what happened the other night, but I didn't want to be rude. We ended up just sitting out back on the patio. Luckily, my neighbors down a house were out too. All I had to do was scream. "I want to apologize." He started. He was fiddling with his watch, a Rolex. I asked what for. He said that what happened the other night was his girlfriend and her brothers' idea. All 3 of them saw him drop me off and thought he was cheating. "They teepeed my front yard and kicked over my bike." He said. It didn't make sense to me. I always thought the logical thing in that case would be to go after the cheater. "She got drunk. They all were drunk. I had to bail them out later." 

I told him that this is a weird relationship. I finally asked him his name. He said that his name is Jordan. I told him my name. He explained more about his girlfriend and she honestly sounds like a childish douche. She stole money from his mom to buy cigarettes. Like, what even? Jordan said that she even went out of her way to make him look like the bad guy in the situation. When I asked why he hadn't broke up with her he just shrugged. "Do you think you need her?" I asked him. I instantly felt bad for purposely prying. "I think she needs me, actually." Thank God his response wasn't jerk offish. It got awkwardly quiet after that. He smiled and said he had to go. "Okay. Is your bike okay?" I asked him walking around the house. He said it is dinged up, but still runs. I'm glad she didn't break it and cause him even more grief. "That's good. It could have been worse I guess." I told him. "I'm surprised it wasn't." He smiled, wished me good evening, and left. 

Maybe we'll be good friends. Maybe we'll be strangers. I don't know, but I'll keep you updated.

Love, A Schizophrenic

Good ole Jeffrey

What a day what a daaay. Let me tell you. This is the same Jeff from The Jeff Files. He assigned me to work with this guy David. David hasn't worked there for very long and Jeff eats that up. It isn't just giving the new guy a hard time. This is harrassment...except David won't report him because he is too nice and just wants to get his work done. I've been working with David the past 2 days. He isn't lazy like Jeff says. He actually works....unlike jeff. Today, Jeff stopped by every hour just to tell.us what we did wrong, what still needs to be done, how he'd do things, and to make a "joke" about David. It was frustrating. We have all this grounds work to do, but jeff won't help but he's fine with slowing us down. Aaaanyway, 5pm rolls around as slow as a dead man running a marathon. David and I make our way back to the shop. Jeff says to him "Tonight you needa go to that barber that your brother went to and get your hair cut." We all thought he was kidding. David smiles and says "No. My hir is fine. I'm growing it out." Jeff gets upset and starts telling him what to do. I was not even addressed in the conversation, but it pissed me off. It was the straw that broke the camels back. I said to Jeff "What does it matter? He's here to work. Not be your model." Jeff replied with "I don't want him to be my d@#$ model." I came back with "Then whats it to you what his hair looks like?" (Remind you this is in thr break room. Everyone is watching.) I go to leave and Jeff mutters "Well, little miss attitude..." I didn't hear the rest. I hollered from the other room "I got plenty of attitude for you, Jeff, and then some!" Then I left. I'm fed up with him and I think the others are getting there. I may be going on an HR visit tomorrow. People, don't let others run you over. Stand up to bullies no matter how scary. At lot of times they aren't as scary as they seem or as tough as they like to portray.
Love, A Schizophrenic

I may have been wrong

Well, I can't prove I was wrong and I can't prove I wasn't....
This is in regards to the motorcycle guy from the other day. Where I live the windows remain locked, the door is locked, and the security/alarm system is just waiting for someone to trigger it. The blinds are shut at night. My friend down the street apparently isn't into securing their home as much as I am mine. I stayed the night at her place. We made dinner, watched movies, did our nails, and gossiped. It was a normal sleep over. About 1am we hear what sounds like a motorcycle revving outside. After about a minute we heard it leave. We didn't think much of it. About 10 minutes later we hear the door open. She doesn't have roommates. We kinda freaked fot a second. I grabbed a knife and she pulled out her gun. We krept our way through the house checking every room until we got to the to the living room. It was piss pour raining out. We had check every nook and cranny. The wind seemed to have blown open the door. I went to shut it when I saw his bike parked across the street in a parallel parking spot. I shut the door quickly. I told my friend to lock everything and to shut the blinds and curtains. I snatched open the door, kicked over the gnome, and grabbed the spare key. Then I locked the door. My friend was so puzzled. I didn't want to tell her about motorcycle guy because I was afraid she'd flip and play "mom."  I was right. She went ballistic. "What were you thinking?" and "Are you crazy?" Well yes.....I do have a diagnosis....I didnt actually say that though. "They could have had to scrap your body off the road assuming they ever found you!" I just let her yell. When she was done I told her we just need to be quiet for the rest of the night. Then she did the crying thing which did make me feel bad. Anyway, we went back to her room. It was the only light on in the house. We heard knocking on her window several times. Finally, I said "you stay here. I'll.go peak out the bathroom window." When I did I saw a dark dressed person running from the house. About a minute later we hear the motorcycle drive away. All was well for the rest of the night. She drove me to work this morning. This evening when I got home she showed me all the foot prints around the house. There was more than 1 set....multiple people were messing with us.
Don't be too adventurous. Be aware.
Love, A Schizophrenic.

Late night adventures

Sometimes people do things out of nowhere. Sometimes they do thinga for a reason and sometimes they don't. I can't figure out if last night had a meaning or reason, but enjoy the story. Its nothing dirty.
I got bored after coming home early from work. My house was packed with random strangers. There always here because my roommates lack respect for personal space. I had just returned from grocery shopping. The sun was setting and there wasn't a cloud in the sky. My neighbor down the street rides by on his bike and sees me standing outside.  I'd seen him before. He's pretty hot. He turned and rode slowly towards me as he pushed up the visor on his helmet. His green eyes smiled at me. "I have an extra helmet." He said nodding towards the back of his bike. I walked over to his bag. I lifted out the helmet. It was dark purple with silver sparkles. I needed his help putting it on because my dreadlocs are so thick. I climbed on his bike and off we went. I didn't know where we were going or if he even was safe, but it felt great. I was happy.
"This is my favorite place to think." He said as we climbed down the embankment to the dam. I could see everything by the river. We sat and talked for hours. We shared our life story and told each other of all our favorite things. Turns out he goes to Lee too. We left to go back to town.
When we got in downtown, the police had a few cars pulled over blocking a road. Wr decided to take the long way back. That meant taking back roads...and seeing how fast his bike could go. This just added to the thrill of the night. We finally made it back and he invited me inside. We didnt drink or do anything. We had pizza and mt dew. Thats probably why I didn't fall asleep until super late. I told him i'd walk home. Its less than a block. He smiled, waved goodbye, and watched me walk from his front door.
I don't know his name or why any of that happened, but it was good. I'm not encouraging you to ride with strangers or tell them everything. Do be adventurous though.
Love, A Schizophrenic

The Jeff Files

I work for the grounds department at my school. I have for about 4 years now....i'm slowly working my way through my undergrad degree. Anyway, all the guys there are pretty cool. I don't really have an major issues with anyone and we all seem to have a good time considering the work we do. There is 1 guy there that no one can stand for long. Good Ole Jeff. Let me tell you about some of the things he has done. Some, from my point of view, are pretty hilarious. The 1st thing that comes to mind is the sling shot gator incident. Jeff had to tow a gator to the shop. He used jumper cables to attatch it because it was all he had. He tells Murdoc to steer the gator. As they pull into the shop, Jeff floors it and turns. He had to have known the gator would do what it did. Murdoc, on the gator, screams "No breaks! No breaks!" He flies and hits my mule, bounces off, and hits the Kubota. It ended up putting a hole in the Mule. It was super funny, but super dangerous. If Murdoc would have missed the mule and hit thr kubota 1st it would have broke his legs. 

Also, there was the hat removal by excavator day. Summer before last we had to lay new drainage pipes in our schools softball field. It was miserable. Jeff would only operate the excavator all day and never switch out with anyone. Michael called him on it. Jeff rolled his eyes and we kept working. While Michael was working Jeff kept trying to knock his hat off with the excavator shovel. He got it a few times, but he also hit him a couple times. Not smart. He also had a habit of busting the water lines under the field.  

That being said let me tell you about today. Today was like many days in the past. Jeff didn't do crap while everyone worked. He can get by with it because he is the assistant manager. All he did ws ride around in the Kubota and bark commands. He used a riding mower once, but only because you can ride it....He kept saying "last thing qnd then we'll go home early." We did leave early, but not at lunch like he said. Anyway, Jeff is a butt. Be a good leader. Don't be lazy.

Love, A Schizophrenic.

Rewind

I thought I was doing well. I stopped hanging out with the douche and decided to make some positive life changes. Things were going great. I was smiling at people, building relationships, and saying the sentence, "I love you" to people when in the past I wouldn't. I even figured out that I don't have to do anything I don't want to. I was tired of basically being a people pleaser that was also a jerk. I was tired of being a jerk. I decided to be nice to people, but also that I don't want some people in my life. I realized that I don't have to care either. I don't have to care if Tyler and Clay know I can't stand them or if Hannah doesn't understand I don't want to live with her. I'm tired of pretending in order to make people happy. Doing that just made me miserable. I decided to make the best of things and to not be so sad or angry all the time.  I thought all of this was going great. I really really did. Then something happened.

Out of nowhere the guy that attempted to rape me, John Russ, contacted me via facebook. I also now have no problem mentioning these peoples names because I don't care. Anyway, I commented on a post my brother made. John Russ also did. I guess he saw my comment and decided to message me. I screenshot the message, posted it on facebook, and told him "John Russ, don't think I've forgotten what you did to me. You are a rapist. Never contact me again." From there I blocked him and I believe my brother deleted him. My brother had the fortitude to message me asking what it was John had done. How could he not know when he was standing right there? When he helped him corner me in? He then said that if John ever tried anything again he'd kill him. Yeah...sure.

Aaanyway, I didn't tell anyone except my friend who, out of respect for her, I shall call Sylvia. Sylvia had also been dealing with a few of lifes curve balls. She is the type of person I know I can talk to. She doesn't always say what I think I need to hear, but she ia there and that is more than I can say for some people. Sylvia told me about an incident that happened to her. She basically witnessed a small child be killed and had to tell the cops everything over and over. It made me question and reevaluate things. One thought led to another and I began to rhink about my mom. It has been 12 years since she passed. After typing that I have to stop and let it sink in. I realized I hadn't dealt with that...or most things. I've just been running from things in.some ways. I began even more to question God about why everyone else gets to keep their moms, but mine had to go? What was so wrong with her? Why couldn't he just heal her? My dad remarried a pianist and became a pastor. Why couldn't God let my mom live? The church can hire a pianist. Yes, she takes care of him, but if God is so great why won't he heal my dad? Many questions like this flooded my mind. I.began to cut myself again and claw my skin off. Nothing helps. I even composed a piece for her called Beyond Appearance. Nothing. It was like someone hit the rewind button on life. All those things I had "dealt with" and quit doing all of the sudden came back. Now I'm stuck again. Working with no break through, crying and praying but no relief. I don't know why God does what he does. I'll still follow him. He'sy best bet. That has basically been my life since December. Well...some of it.
Love, A Schizophrenic

It has been a minute since I was last on here. I forgot for a while that I even had a blog. I guess I'll fill ya in on everything this past year.
1) I went to the Philippines
2) I'm still in college(and probably will.be for life)...haha Billy Joel reference
3) The guy I thought I was in love with turned out to be a douche. Now he is gay so no woman ever has to deal with his childish self again.
That's about it. Life is hard. Life is good.
Love, A Schizophrenic