Rewind

I thought I was doing well. I stopped hanging out with the douche and decided to make some positive life changes. Things were going great. I was smiling at people, building relationships, and saying the sentence, "I love you" to people when in the past I wouldn't. I even figured out that I don't have to do anything I don't want to. I was tired of basically being a people pleaser that was also a jerk. I was tired of being a jerk. I decided to be nice to people, but also that I don't want some people in my life. I realized that I don't have to care either. I don't have to care if Tyler and Clay know I can't stand them or if Hannah doesn't understand I don't want to live with her. I'm tired of pretending in order to make people happy. Doing that just made me miserable. I decided to make the best of things and to not be so sad or angry all the time.  I thought all of this was going great. I really really did. Then something happened.

Out of nowhere the guy that attempted to rape me, John Russ, contacted me via facebook. I also now have no problem mentioning these peoples names because I don't care. Anyway, I commented on a post my brother made. John Russ also did. I guess he saw my comment and decided to message me. I screenshot the message, posted it on facebook, and told him "John Russ, don't think I've forgotten what you did to me. You are a rapist. Never contact me again." From there I blocked him and I believe my brother deleted him. My brother had the fortitude to message me asking what it was John had done. How could he not know when he was standing right there? When he helped him corner me in? He then said that if John ever tried anything again he'd kill him. Yeah...sure.

Aaanyway, I didn't tell anyone except my friend who, out of respect for her, I shall call Sylvia. Sylvia had also been dealing with a few of lifes curve balls. She is the type of person I know I can talk to. She doesn't always say what I think I need to hear, but she ia there and that is more than I can say for some people. Sylvia told me about an incident that happened to her. She basically witnessed a small child be killed and had to tell the cops everything over and over. It made me question and reevaluate things. One thought led to another and I began to rhink about my mom. It has been 12 years since she passed. After typing that I have to stop and let it sink in. I realized I hadn't dealt with that...or most things. I've just been running from things in.some ways. I began even more to question God about why everyone else gets to keep their moms, but mine had to go? What was so wrong with her? Why couldn't he just heal her? My dad remarried a pianist and became a pastor. Why couldn't God let my mom live? The church can hire a pianist. Yes, she takes care of him, but if God is so great why won't he heal my dad? Many questions like this flooded my mind. I.began to cut myself again and claw my skin off. Nothing helps. I even composed a piece for her called Beyond Appearance. Nothing. It was like someone hit the rewind button on life. All those things I had "dealt with" and quit doing all of the sudden came back. Now I'm stuck again. Working with no break through, crying and praying but no relief. I don't know why God does what he does. I'll still follow him. He'sy best bet. That has basically been my life since December. Well...some of it.
Love, A Schizophrenic