Reminders

I have dealt with my diagnosis. I know things are going to be hard for me and there isn't really anything that can be done about it. Sometimes the hardest part isn't the disorder. Sometimes the hardest part is knowing the things that I cannot do because of the disorder.
My family has a large military history. When I was a kid I would try my best to decide if I wanted to go into the air force or the marines. It was a tough decision. I would think all day about it and read books about it during library time at school. I chose the marines basically because when I told people they would always say "that's almost impossible." I like impossible and I like challenges. I was ready. Then I got sick. I tried everything. I searched for every loophole. Sometimes I still google questions about schizophrenia and the military. I hate that I ruined my chances because I couldn't think about the future and keep my mouth shut. Maybe I coulda made it work. Everything I wanted was washed down the drain. Now what? I don't want to be a teacher or have some desk job. I don't want to be an athlete. I don't care about those things. I just wanted to be a marine. I ruined my life.
Now everytime someone brings up the military all I can do is think about it. I look down and feel crushed because I am reminded of what took my happiness and wrecked my future. I am reminded of what I can never be. Ever.
Love, A Schizophrenic.