The secret about Carson

Last night's post was me spilling beans on a secret. No one knew about Carson until then. Now, to shed some light onto the beginning of the story.
The guy that I called my friend was Tyler. He and I, I thought, were pretty good friends. Unfortunately I had a little crush on him that was hard to break even after he told me is gay. Eventually, I stopped liking him like that and thought of him more as a brother. But, as I should have known from my past, brothers can't be trusted. That couple months or so that he was gone was when I met Carson. Carson made all thoughts of anyone else leave my mind. It was oddly refreshing. I didn't speak to Tyler and he didn't speak to me. The day he got back on campus, I was with Carson. He and I were walking around together. We saw him and I'm sure he saw us. We all just ignored each other. Of course  Carson didn't know to intentionally ignore him because they had never even met. Or so I thought.
I knew tyler had been sleeping around that previous semester because he would tell me. Some of my other gay friends said that they "knew" him. So, later I explained to Carson why I was so quiet when he passed by. "That name sounds familiar." He told me as we got to the music building. I showed him a picture. "I know him. He tried to get with my brother." I was in shock. I was hoping to get away from all of that. This brought on the whole "I didn't know you had a brother" thing which led to a much needed subject change.
Anyway, for a while I thought that explained why Tyler didn't speak to me that semester and why he wouldn't respond to my text. Maybe that was it. Maybe it wasn't.
Remembering all of this and getting to where I was ready to talk must have messed with my head some. Last night I dreamed I was at a party. Tyler was there. For a second, I let my guard down and let him see me smile. We were looking at something and talking. In my dream I thought, "maybe we can still be friends." I felt so happy. Maybe it is because I am thinking about not ignoring him. I don't want to talk to him, but maybe acknowledge his presence in a room or something. Also, I don't want to deal with that. He'd make it to be all my fault.
Anyway, secrets and thinking can eat away at you. Be careful.
Love, A Schizophrenic