People see on television or in movies the dangerous schizophrenic running around killing people or sitting in a corner, rocking, and speaking rhymes to themselves. So, they think that is all schizophrenia is. I try to tell my stories on here as close to how I remember everything taking place. I don't think any of them have been happy or fun in anyway so I wanted to write something a little bit different today. I watched a video on youtube by Rachel Star and she kind of inspired this post. So, if you read it rachel, thanks. :)
As human beings inhabiting this fine planet, we all face struggles that we must work through and sometimes get through alone. Yes, I am viewed as weaker at times because of my disorder. I do need extra help every now and then with lots of support. When stressful times happen, I may need someone to help keep an eye on me just in case I get worse. Also, I know how to work through the bad news. I know that I am living with schizophrenia. That is tough. It encourages me to keep fighting and moving on even when others would be ready to throw up the white flag and surrender. I know not to give up when everything looks black. I know that I am tough enough to keep pushing through.
I know several other people who are also schizophrenic. Some of them I met while I was in a psych ward somewhere and a couple I have met just out and about. I am able to use my schizophrenia as a way to relate with them and encourage them when they are struggling and they do the same when I struggle. It has weeded out the true friends from the back stabbers and my support system is even stronger now. I still have social struggles, but I can relate when someone says they are having a hard time with a mental disorder. I may not have that certain disorder and I may not know 100% what they are going through because I am not them, but I can relate more than most people.
God loves me and I love him. I have an even more powerful testimony now because of my schizophrenia. I have, thanks to God, been able to witness to others because of it. Not just mentally ill either. God heals all wounds and if people know He helps me then they know He can help them. He may not choose to heal me here on Earth, but one day I know I won't be schizophrenic anymore. I know that when a mentally ill persons mentions any religion, especially Christianity it seems, no one takes them seriously because it is "just the psychosis speaking." I agree with that at times. I've met people who say things like, "God wants me to jump of this rock." or they claim even to be the Christ. That is psychosis. Someone saying they love God because he watches out for us is not psychosis. Anyway, I got off topic.
Schizophrenia isn't all rainbows and butterflies, but it isn't always dark clouds and confusing and frightening monsters. Thanks for reading.
Love, a schizophrenic.
Sunday, July 26, 2015
Thursday, July 23, 2015
What is the hardest part?
I had a friend ask me not long after I told her about my schizophrenia, "What is the hardest part?" Well, by hard do you mean the symptoms? Do you mean the anger and hatred I sometimes feel towards myself for having this disorder? Do you mean social things like the reactions I get from people?
For me, my toughest symptom to work through is disorganization. When I am not doing to well sometimes I get to where I can't even make complete sentences. I can't carry out conversations. Not because I don't want to, but because my brain won't let me. I have a thought and it moves on or races on really. That causes my memory to be bad. I might do something and then completely forget that I even did it. It could be something as simple as walking to a room or saying something to a person. I sometimes repeat the same things to a person minutes after I have already told them. Here recently, my symptoms are manageable so I haven't been having that tough a time.
Another hard part is when people don't understand. I don't care how many degrees you have or how much knowledge you think you have, you don't know anything and can't understand until you are going through it. Guess what? Even when you are going through it, you still may not understand. I know I have wrote post on here saying to try to understand. The key word is "try." When someone is patient and trying it makes things so much easier. I can't even explain how I feel at times. So alone and misunderstood. So hated and confused. The emptiness sometimes feels so overwhelming that there is no way anyone could understand except for God himself. Sometimes I wonder if people with the same disorder even can understand. I hate myself for it at times. I get so angry and beat myself up. I've done self harm over that before and also because hallucinations tell me to. That also makes me angry at myself. I wonder what I did to get it and why I am such a screw up. Why do I cause so many problems? What is wrong or so different about me that I had to be the one to get this disease?
When I am having a rough day people can notice. I can't tell them, "Sorry. I don't feel well. I am schizophrenic." I can't always tell my teachers that the reason I didn't go to class is because I was hallucinating. I would like to think that it is 2015 and people are open minded, but I'm not that naive. People are people and people are douches sometimes. I can't always tell my boss the reason I am crying is because I am depressed or the voices won't leave me alone. Do you know where that gets you? A psych ward. But, why should I have to go to a psych ward for 1 bad day? Schizophrenics have bad symptomatic days. If I went to a ward every time I had a bad day full of bothersome symptoms, I would never get out of the hospital and God knows what medications I would be on or how much.
I don't know what the single hardest part is because it is all hard for me right now. In the future I may have a different response, but for now this is my answer.
Love, a schizophrenic.
For me, my toughest symptom to work through is disorganization. When I am not doing to well sometimes I get to where I can't even make complete sentences. I can't carry out conversations. Not because I don't want to, but because my brain won't let me. I have a thought and it moves on or races on really. That causes my memory to be bad. I might do something and then completely forget that I even did it. It could be something as simple as walking to a room or saying something to a person. I sometimes repeat the same things to a person minutes after I have already told them. Here recently, my symptoms are manageable so I haven't been having that tough a time.
Another hard part is when people don't understand. I don't care how many degrees you have or how much knowledge you think you have, you don't know anything and can't understand until you are going through it. Guess what? Even when you are going through it, you still may not understand. I know I have wrote post on here saying to try to understand. The key word is "try." When someone is patient and trying it makes things so much easier. I can't even explain how I feel at times. So alone and misunderstood. So hated and confused. The emptiness sometimes feels so overwhelming that there is no way anyone could understand except for God himself. Sometimes I wonder if people with the same disorder even can understand. I hate myself for it at times. I get so angry and beat myself up. I've done self harm over that before and also because hallucinations tell me to. That also makes me angry at myself. I wonder what I did to get it and why I am such a screw up. Why do I cause so many problems? What is wrong or so different about me that I had to be the one to get this disease?
When I am having a rough day people can notice. I can't tell them, "Sorry. I don't feel well. I am schizophrenic." I can't always tell my teachers that the reason I didn't go to class is because I was hallucinating. I would like to think that it is 2015 and people are open minded, but I'm not that naive. People are people and people are douches sometimes. I can't always tell my boss the reason I am crying is because I am depressed or the voices won't leave me alone. Do you know where that gets you? A psych ward. But, why should I have to go to a psych ward for 1 bad day? Schizophrenics have bad symptomatic days. If I went to a ward every time I had a bad day full of bothersome symptoms, I would never get out of the hospital and God knows what medications I would be on or how much.
I don't know what the single hardest part is because it is all hard for me right now. In the future I may have a different response, but for now this is my answer.
Love, a schizophrenic.
Wednesday, July 22, 2015
Zero
I'm not always sure when my hallucinations first appear to me. I don't always know if they are real or not. Sometimes I can't tell that the frog people are fake and other times I can. Sometimes my memories f them fade or mix with others because there are so many.
Zero is a little girl that I used to see often. She was around 8 when I first saw her. She was always angry and I could never figure out why. She was full of hatred and evil intent. One specific time I remember seeing her is one I will never forget. It was night time and I was out for a walk on campus. We have a fountain here with a flame in the middle called the Eternal flame. I smelled something strange as I approached the fountain. As I turned the corner, I saw her standing there gazing into the flame reaching her hand towards it. She saw me. I walked up and sat at the edge of the fountain just looking. I was trying to ignore the basketballs bouncing on the outdoor court and the screaming coming from the sand volleyball area, but everything just kept echoing as I starred. She smiled. Something was different this time. Something bad. Blood began to pour from her mouth as shouts of joy escaped her throat. She thrusted her whole arm into the flame and began to laugh louder. I jumped up and made my way quickly to my room. There, I saw Mr. Blue. He asked me how I was doing. He has a way of knowing my thoughts and the answers I am going to say before I say them. I guess that would make sense since he is a hallucination. "I know you saw her because I saw her and you see everything I see." I said to him. "Don't let her worry you. She is still confused." He said as he sat in my chair. "That wasn't confusion! That was self harm!" I caught myself shouting. "Why do you care?" Was his response, "She is just a hallucination." I cared because she somehow is apart of me. I don't always believe that hallucinations are meaningful, but with Zero I do. "Go take a shower and calm down." He said to me.
I went into the bathroom and there stood Mr. Red. "Do you mind?" I asked as I stepped into the stall. "Not at all if you don't." He smiled. I got into the shower. I was talking to him about it while he was on the other side of the room. All of the sudden I felt something grabbing my foot. I looked down to see Zero climbing her way out of the drain. She looked fine. No burn marks or anything were on her. "You are starting to turn into Used To Be. She always sneaks up and grabs me." I said to her as I washed my face. "I just wanted to mess with you." She smiled as she stood in the corner of the very small shower. "Is that why you did that at the flame?" I asked angrily. She smiled, "I'm like you." She pointed at my arm. It was covered in blisters and began to burn. All I knew to do was to turn on the cold water and let it run over my entire arm. "Why? What? I don't understand." I cried as I felt myself slide on the wall to the floor of the shower. Why do these hallucinations plague me? Maybe my step mom was right? Maybe I am at least demon oppressed. But what about the bunnies? Even satan can appear as an angle of light. Confusion and racing thoughts stormed my mind as I cried in the shower floor. Zero just watched smiling. My arm had quit burning sometime while I sat there. I got up and got out of the shower. Why she did those things to me I'll never know. That is one of the most vivid memories of her and 1 that I catch myself thinking about often. If I ever have a conclusion to these thoughts, I'll be sure to let you know.
Love, a schizophrenic.
Zero is a little girl that I used to see often. She was around 8 when I first saw her. She was always angry and I could never figure out why. She was full of hatred and evil intent. One specific time I remember seeing her is one I will never forget. It was night time and I was out for a walk on campus. We have a fountain here with a flame in the middle called the Eternal flame. I smelled something strange as I approached the fountain. As I turned the corner, I saw her standing there gazing into the flame reaching her hand towards it. She saw me. I walked up and sat at the edge of the fountain just looking. I was trying to ignore the basketballs bouncing on the outdoor court and the screaming coming from the sand volleyball area, but everything just kept echoing as I starred. She smiled. Something was different this time. Something bad. Blood began to pour from her mouth as shouts of joy escaped her throat. She thrusted her whole arm into the flame and began to laugh louder. I jumped up and made my way quickly to my room. There, I saw Mr. Blue. He asked me how I was doing. He has a way of knowing my thoughts and the answers I am going to say before I say them. I guess that would make sense since he is a hallucination. "I know you saw her because I saw her and you see everything I see." I said to him. "Don't let her worry you. She is still confused." He said as he sat in my chair. "That wasn't confusion! That was self harm!" I caught myself shouting. "Why do you care?" Was his response, "She is just a hallucination." I cared because she somehow is apart of me. I don't always believe that hallucinations are meaningful, but with Zero I do. "Go take a shower and calm down." He said to me.
I went into the bathroom and there stood Mr. Red. "Do you mind?" I asked as I stepped into the stall. "Not at all if you don't." He smiled. I got into the shower. I was talking to him about it while he was on the other side of the room. All of the sudden I felt something grabbing my foot. I looked down to see Zero climbing her way out of the drain. She looked fine. No burn marks or anything were on her. "You are starting to turn into Used To Be. She always sneaks up and grabs me." I said to her as I washed my face. "I just wanted to mess with you." She smiled as she stood in the corner of the very small shower. "Is that why you did that at the flame?" I asked angrily. She smiled, "I'm like you." She pointed at my arm. It was covered in blisters and began to burn. All I knew to do was to turn on the cold water and let it run over my entire arm. "Why? What? I don't understand." I cried as I felt myself slide on the wall to the floor of the shower. Why do these hallucinations plague me? Maybe my step mom was right? Maybe I am at least demon oppressed. But what about the bunnies? Even satan can appear as an angle of light. Confusion and racing thoughts stormed my mind as I cried in the shower floor. Zero just watched smiling. My arm had quit burning sometime while I sat there. I got up and got out of the shower. Why she did those things to me I'll never know. That is one of the most vivid memories of her and 1 that I catch myself thinking about often. If I ever have a conclusion to these thoughts, I'll be sure to let you know.
Love, a schizophrenic.
What made me unafraid to talk about schizophrenia?
Nothing. It is still a frightening topic to share about with others. What did get to me is all the ignorance surrounding mental illnesses and all the "friends" I lost once they found out. People have tried to put me through exorcisms before. My own step mother asked me several times if I thought I was demon possessed. People think I am suffering from DID or Bipolar disorder. They make jokes about it. Why is is that a cancer joke is something you shouldn't tell, but mental illness jokes are okay? People have accused me of faking before just for attention. No. Why would I do that? I know I can be hard to be around because of social issues coming from schizophrenia, but why would I pretend to be crazy and risk losing even more friends? Unfortunately, there are people that do that. I am not one of them.
Through all of my chatter, what I am trying to say is people's ignorance and rudeness led me to it. I am not ashamed. I am still afraid to share about it at times with people, but not ashamed. Why should I be? I did not choose this and I don't know why it happened to me. No one is ashamed of talking about their diabetes or their heart disease. Why should I be ashamed of a disease in my brain? I shouldn't, and I won't be. If anyone reading this also has a mental disorder, don't be ashamed of it. The right people will cross your path. Don't use it as an excuse, but also be real with yourself and others. If they don't like you because you have an anxiety disorder, you have add, are bipolar, have schizoaffective disorder, or anything they will leave and they were never worth your time to begin with. You are still the same person you were before you told them or they found out. Don't listen to these people that try to shame you for an illness. Keep working hard and trying to get better and don't be ashamed.
Love, a schizophrenic.
Through all of my chatter, what I am trying to say is people's ignorance and rudeness led me to it. I am not ashamed. I am still afraid to share about it at times with people, but not ashamed. Why should I be? I did not choose this and I don't know why it happened to me. No one is ashamed of talking about their diabetes or their heart disease. Why should I be ashamed of a disease in my brain? I shouldn't, and I won't be. If anyone reading this also has a mental disorder, don't be ashamed of it. The right people will cross your path. Don't use it as an excuse, but also be real with yourself and others. If they don't like you because you have an anxiety disorder, you have add, are bipolar, have schizoaffective disorder, or anything they will leave and they were never worth your time to begin with. You are still the same person you were before you told them or they found out. Don't listen to these people that try to shame you for an illness. Keep working hard and trying to get better and don't be ashamed.
Love, a schizophrenic.
Monday, July 20, 2015
Quite the Opposite
The other day I wrote of sometimes where I was looked down on or mistreated because of things I couldn't help. I know that many people think that behavior issues can always be helped and I beg to differ in the case of mental illness. The brain can be sick like anything else in the body. I also believe that there are things that I have done and still do that are not part of my illness. I just wanted to write a post to explain and give some examples.
When I was a child I was very self centered. One day, my sister wanted to play dragon ball z, but I wanted to play soccer. I told her, "Why don't we do what I want to do first and then we can do what you want to do." My sister agreed. After we played soccer I told her I was too tired to play dbz and that maybe we could play another time. The first couple times, she bought it. Then, she started to say to me, "That's what you said last time and you didn't do it!" I would then get mad and storm off. Sometimes I would hit her and others because hallucinations told me to, but this time was different. I chose to do this myself. I hit her. Under my own decision, I hit my sister. Some may argue that because the brain is different in schizophrenia, that I wouldn't have been able to see how socially that wasn't acceptable or whatever. In this specific case, I knew the difference. Schizophrenia is not always to blame.
Now, I still do things that are wrong, but I don't blame on schizophrenia as much as I do my own self centeredness or whatever. I've been known to toy with people's emotions in order to get what I want, I lie and am manipulative, and once again can be quite self centered. The difference now is that I am not afraid to admit to my short comings which leads to less anger.
So, if you are struggling with a mental disorder my only tip to you is to try and be as honest with yourself and a trusted family member, friend, psychiatrist, or psychologist. Don't beat yourself up. You do have a mental disorder, but you are also human. Being human means we are going to make our own mistakes. It may be tough and scary at first, but you can do it. Honesty with yourself can save a lot of stress and unneeded emotional outbreaks and confusion. This, however, does not mean that the things you do during psychosis or because of your disorder are your fault. Be honest, be patient, and communicate. You got this.
Love, a schizophrenic
When I was a child I was very self centered. One day, my sister wanted to play dragon ball z, but I wanted to play soccer. I told her, "Why don't we do what I want to do first and then we can do what you want to do." My sister agreed. After we played soccer I told her I was too tired to play dbz and that maybe we could play another time. The first couple times, she bought it. Then, she started to say to me, "That's what you said last time and you didn't do it!" I would then get mad and storm off. Sometimes I would hit her and others because hallucinations told me to, but this time was different. I chose to do this myself. I hit her. Under my own decision, I hit my sister. Some may argue that because the brain is different in schizophrenia, that I wouldn't have been able to see how socially that wasn't acceptable or whatever. In this specific case, I knew the difference. Schizophrenia is not always to blame.
Now, I still do things that are wrong, but I don't blame on schizophrenia as much as I do my own self centeredness or whatever. I've been known to toy with people's emotions in order to get what I want, I lie and am manipulative, and once again can be quite self centered. The difference now is that I am not afraid to admit to my short comings which leads to less anger.
So, if you are struggling with a mental disorder my only tip to you is to try and be as honest with yourself and a trusted family member, friend, psychiatrist, or psychologist. Don't beat yourself up. You do have a mental disorder, but you are also human. Being human means we are going to make our own mistakes. It may be tough and scary at first, but you can do it. Honesty with yourself can save a lot of stress and unneeded emotional outbreaks and confusion. This, however, does not mean that the things you do during psychosis or because of your disorder are your fault. Be honest, be patient, and communicate. You got this.
Love, a schizophrenic
Sunday, July 19, 2015
Hurt
People who have lived with someone with a mental illness or even personality disorder know how stressful it can be at times. You have to know the right things to say or the right things to do to avoid conflict or breakdowns on either side. You have to be able to keep the peace. Most people don't realize how hard that is until it is happening to them. Caretakers often get hurt emotionally by something a mentally ill person says, but they aren't "supposed" to fire back because it could end very badly. This topic came to me while I was playing a game on my phone. I heard a familiar voice say to me, "Because, not all girls are monsters like you!"
This familiar voice belongs to someone who helped out in my youth group when I first started going to church. Our youth group had taken a trip to the mountains. That many kids to be in charge of for 2 days is more than enough to upset people. Some of us were outside playing wiffle ball. I don't remember what I said, but I do remember always managing to say the wrong things just about anytime I open my mouth. Whatever I said, I wasn't meaning to harm anyone. I do know the comment was directed at this youth leader's daughter and I was asking her something. I remember standing there smiling after my question so whatever I said I know it was intended playfully. Thats when I heard him. "Because" was his answer, "not all girls are monster like you." I remember the confusion I felt. Why would he say that to me? I never expected anything like that from this man's mouth. I respected him because I thought he was kind. Did having to deal with me for 2 days make him that upset? I walked away and pretended it didn't bother me, but to this day 7 years later, it still does. I try not to be a monster. I try not to use schizophrenia as an excuse, but sometimes it is actually schizophrenia's fault.
Another time, I was a bit younger, my sister and I were playing in our room. We were kicking and pushing each other off our bed. I had already had spankings and talking to's earlier that day. I didn't understand why I got in trouble for doing things the voices told me to do. "If they were so bad dad, why didn't you make them leave?" That was a question I used to ask him under my breath. My sister ended up falling off the bed and managed to grab my leg so I went down with her. She caught my leg on her chest and got up crying. She ran into the living room. Worried, I got up to go see if she was alright. My dad busted in the door angrily, grabbed me by my shoulders and began to jerk me back and forth screaming, "How do you like it?" Then, he threw me on the bed and stormed out. I just sat there crying wondering why everything I did was wrong and why people hated me so much.
In schizophrenia, and other mental disorders, people's thoughts sometimes don't make sense. Logic goes out the window and there is nothing that person can do about it. The mentally ill aren't always trying to be douches. My step mom used to get angry at me for self harm. The hallucinations I had made me do it. Zero, the little girl, would bite me if I didn't. Her bites hurt worse than the cuts it took to make her leave me alone. "You know you don't have to listen to them!" She would yell. Except, I did have to listen. Decision making, problem solving, logic, and so many other parts to thinking are disrupted with this disorder. Alot of the time, we really can't help what we say or do. You'd probably have the same reactions if you were in our shoes.
Emotions can be the same way. When people get super angry or hurt, things are said that just shouldn't be. Here are a few tips to caretakers to avoid hurt on both sides:
1: I've said this before, communicate and educate. Talk to each other. Share stories, thoughts, and SPEND TIME WITH EACH OTHER. Learn not just about the person's illness, but also about the person. The more you know about them when they aren't psychotic, the more you can help them when they are.
2: Try counting. When you get so angry you are ready to bust, try counting to 15 in your mind so you can think about wether or not what you have to say is helpful or not.
3: There are ways to get the point across to people without being rude. Take time to think about what you want to say and then find a nicer way of putting it. You are dealing with someone who is mentally ill. Excitment out of anger could easily land them hurt of back in a psych ward.
4: Maybe do some therapy sessions together. I would have loved it if my step mom or dad did this with me. My dad never wanted to because he never felt good. My step mom was afraid I'd been making her sound like a really bad person. It isn't my fault that is how she treated me. Regardless of how afraid you are, at least consider it. It may be helpful. Always talk to the person you are caring for and their therapist before actually doing this.
5: Take time for yourself. If at all possible do something nice for yourself. The sick aren't the only ones who need to be taken care of. Maybe you just need a vacation for a while. Maybe goto a spa or simply out to eat. The more you stay relaxed, the easier things will be.
Thanks for reading.
Love, a schizophrenic.
This familiar voice belongs to someone who helped out in my youth group when I first started going to church. Our youth group had taken a trip to the mountains. That many kids to be in charge of for 2 days is more than enough to upset people. Some of us were outside playing wiffle ball. I don't remember what I said, but I do remember always managing to say the wrong things just about anytime I open my mouth. Whatever I said, I wasn't meaning to harm anyone. I do know the comment was directed at this youth leader's daughter and I was asking her something. I remember standing there smiling after my question so whatever I said I know it was intended playfully. Thats when I heard him. "Because" was his answer, "not all girls are monster like you." I remember the confusion I felt. Why would he say that to me? I never expected anything like that from this man's mouth. I respected him because I thought he was kind. Did having to deal with me for 2 days make him that upset? I walked away and pretended it didn't bother me, but to this day 7 years later, it still does. I try not to be a monster. I try not to use schizophrenia as an excuse, but sometimes it is actually schizophrenia's fault.
Another time, I was a bit younger, my sister and I were playing in our room. We were kicking and pushing each other off our bed. I had already had spankings and talking to's earlier that day. I didn't understand why I got in trouble for doing things the voices told me to do. "If they were so bad dad, why didn't you make them leave?" That was a question I used to ask him under my breath. My sister ended up falling off the bed and managed to grab my leg so I went down with her. She caught my leg on her chest and got up crying. She ran into the living room. Worried, I got up to go see if she was alright. My dad busted in the door angrily, grabbed me by my shoulders and began to jerk me back and forth screaming, "How do you like it?" Then, he threw me on the bed and stormed out. I just sat there crying wondering why everything I did was wrong and why people hated me so much.
In schizophrenia, and other mental disorders, people's thoughts sometimes don't make sense. Logic goes out the window and there is nothing that person can do about it. The mentally ill aren't always trying to be douches. My step mom used to get angry at me for self harm. The hallucinations I had made me do it. Zero, the little girl, would bite me if I didn't. Her bites hurt worse than the cuts it took to make her leave me alone. "You know you don't have to listen to them!" She would yell. Except, I did have to listen. Decision making, problem solving, logic, and so many other parts to thinking are disrupted with this disorder. Alot of the time, we really can't help what we say or do. You'd probably have the same reactions if you were in our shoes.
Emotions can be the same way. When people get super angry or hurt, things are said that just shouldn't be. Here are a few tips to caretakers to avoid hurt on both sides:
1: I've said this before, communicate and educate. Talk to each other. Share stories, thoughts, and SPEND TIME WITH EACH OTHER. Learn not just about the person's illness, but also about the person. The more you know about them when they aren't psychotic, the more you can help them when they are.
2: Try counting. When you get so angry you are ready to bust, try counting to 15 in your mind so you can think about wether or not what you have to say is helpful or not.
3: There are ways to get the point across to people without being rude. Take time to think about what you want to say and then find a nicer way of putting it. You are dealing with someone who is mentally ill. Excitment out of anger could easily land them hurt of back in a psych ward.
4: Maybe do some therapy sessions together. I would have loved it if my step mom or dad did this with me. My dad never wanted to because he never felt good. My step mom was afraid I'd been making her sound like a really bad person. It isn't my fault that is how she treated me. Regardless of how afraid you are, at least consider it. It may be helpful. Always talk to the person you are caring for and their therapist before actually doing this.
5: Take time for yourself. If at all possible do something nice for yourself. The sick aren't the only ones who need to be taken care of. Maybe you just need a vacation for a while. Maybe goto a spa or simply out to eat. The more you stay relaxed, the easier things will be.
Thanks for reading.
Love, a schizophrenic.
Saturday, July 18, 2015
Common misconceptions
There is a difference between bi-polar disorder, schizophrenia, psychosis, and dissociative identity disorder.
Many people get them mixed up and if you are going to help or even be around someone with any of these, you should know the difference. So, let me help. To sum it all up:
Bipolar disorder=mood swings sometimes accompanied by psychosis (if the psychosis isn't during a manic or depressive state, it could be schizoaffective disorder). There are 2 different types. See a Dr. if you or anyone you know may have symptoms.
Schizophrenia=hallucinations(just because you have hallucinations doesn't mean you are schizophrenic and being schizophrenic doesn't mean you have hallucinations) ,delusions,paranoia,catatonia,confusion of reality and fantasy. If symptoms are present but not for as long it may be schizophreniform. There are many schizoid disorders. Once again, please seek help for yourself or anyone you know that may have this.
psychosis= some sort of hallucinations, maybe paranoia or delusions. Find help if someone you know or yourself may have this.
DID=multiple personalities. Seek help if you think you or someone you know may have this.
Going undiagnosed with anything like these conditions can be very dangerous, even deadly.
Many people get them mixed up and if you are going to help or even be around someone with any of these, you should know the difference. So, let me help. To sum it all up:
Bipolar disorder=mood swings sometimes accompanied by psychosis (if the psychosis isn't during a manic or depressive state, it could be schizoaffective disorder). There are 2 different types. See a Dr. if you or anyone you know may have symptoms.
Schizophrenia=hallucinations(just because you have hallucinations doesn't mean you are schizophrenic and being schizophrenic doesn't mean you have hallucinations) ,delusions,paranoia,catatonia,confusion of reality and fantasy. If symptoms are present but not for as long it may be schizophreniform. There are many schizoid disorders. Once again, please seek help for yourself or anyone you know that may have this.
psychosis= some sort of hallucinations, maybe paranoia or delusions. Find help if someone you know or yourself may have this.
DID=multiple personalities. Seek help if you think you or someone you know may have this.
Going undiagnosed with anything like these conditions can be very dangerous, even deadly.
Thursday, July 16, 2015
Why "natural" things don't always work for schizophrenia
"Insanity, then, is inordinate or irregular, or impaired action of the mind, of the instincts, sentiments, intellectual, or perceptive powers depending upon and produced by an organic change in the brain."
http://www.schizophrenia.com/disease.htm
"Many studies of people with schizophrenia have found abnormalities in brain structure. In some small but potentially important ways, the brains of people with schizophrenia look different than those of healthy people. For example, fluid-filled cavities at the center of the brain, called ventricles, are larger in some people with schizophrenia. The brains of people with the illness also tend to have less gray matter, and some areas of the brain may have less or more activity."http://psychcentral.com/lib/what-causes-schizophrenia/
Schizophrenia is a genetic thing that is going to happen to people no matter what. I've been told so many times that I should quit medication and take more vitamins and drink more tea. NOTHING I DRINK OR EAT IS GOING TO FIX PHYSICAL ABNORMALITIES IN MY BRAIN. The people telling me these things aren't doctors. If that "natural" crap were the solution to all my genetic issues, scientist probably would have figured it out a looooooong time ago.
That is all I really want to say. I don't know how else to put it. If you are interested, both of the sites I quoted and cited are very informative. I would recommend them. If you wish to find other sites, google schizophrenia or feel free to ask me in the comments. Thanks
Love, a schizophrenic
Wednesday, July 15, 2015
Life then and now
Schizophrenia, like many illnesses is one that doesn't just go away. For me, it started appearing at a young age. For others, it may not hit until late teens or even their 30's. When ever it hits it is devastating. I had a friend who was the top of his class all the way through high school, was a very hard worker, scored a 2150 on his SAT and had been accepted into Harvard. He began to act a little funny until 1 day he just quit moving. He didn't speak, eat, or drink anything. He just sat there with his head slightly angled to the left and looking down. "catatonic schizophrenia" his mom answered when I asked what was wrong. He was diagnosed just after graduation. He never made it to Harvard. He didn't even make it to his 20th birthday. He spoke to people that weren't there and cried for the demons to go away. He did things that didn't always make sense. He spent his days rocking on a chair in the back yard mumbling to himself no matter what I said. Then, he would go back to a psych ward. After a while, he'd be released and was "expected to do well." He was never violent towards anyone, but I saw the scars on his arm. He, like me, made frequent trips to the psych wards. One day, I got a call from his parents. His mom was crying so loud in the back ground I could barley understand his father. My friend had hanged himself in their garage while his parents were at the store.
My story is a bit different though. Thank God. I was diagnosed at age 17, but had a long history of mental problems. I was never an outstanding student. I had a 3.6 or 7ish graduating high school and scored almost an 1800 on my SAT. I now go to a small private university. The road was rocky and had all ups and downs to begin with. I have had to take a year off to stay in a mental hospital. I have had to miss classes because the symptoms were too rough. I've attempted suicide on several occasions. I've been on several meds and on several meds at once. I've seen dr after dr. There is no way I can fully describe what schizophrenia can do to people. Now, by the grace of God and the help of friends, I am back in school and doing decent. Life is still a struggle, but it moves on and so will I.
Whoever you are, please keep moving on. I know life is tough, but what ever you are facing please keep moving. Life is not over yet so don't tell yourself it is. Things will get better.
Caretakers of those with mental illness, depression and fear aren't the only reasons people kill themselves. 75% of my attempts were because hallucinations told me to and I wasn't mentally there enough to reason and say no. You have to watch out for them. Help them. You won't always be able to reason with people, but you can get them help. Don't give up on them or yourself and don't let them do it either.
Take care of each other. Mental illness or not, it is our job as humans to take care of each other. Watch out for your neighbor.
Love, a schizophrenic
My story is a bit different though. Thank God. I was diagnosed at age 17, but had a long history of mental problems. I was never an outstanding student. I had a 3.6 or 7ish graduating high school and scored almost an 1800 on my SAT. I now go to a small private university. The road was rocky and had all ups and downs to begin with. I have had to take a year off to stay in a mental hospital. I have had to miss classes because the symptoms were too rough. I've attempted suicide on several occasions. I've been on several meds and on several meds at once. I've seen dr after dr. There is no way I can fully describe what schizophrenia can do to people. Now, by the grace of God and the help of friends, I am back in school and doing decent. Life is still a struggle, but it moves on and so will I.
Whoever you are, please keep moving on. I know life is tough, but what ever you are facing please keep moving. Life is not over yet so don't tell yourself it is. Things will get better.
Caretakers of those with mental illness, depression and fear aren't the only reasons people kill themselves. 75% of my attempts were because hallucinations told me to and I wasn't mentally there enough to reason and say no. You have to watch out for them. Help them. You won't always be able to reason with people, but you can get them help. Don't give up on them or yourself and don't let them do it either.
Take care of each other. Mental illness or not, it is our job as humans to take care of each other. Watch out for your neighbor.
Love, a schizophrenic
Monday, July 13, 2015
5 ways to help people with mental illness
"Schizophrenia is characterized by by profound disruption in cognition and emotion, affecting the most fundamental human attributes: language, thought, perception, affect and sense of self."
http://www.schizophrenia.com/ami/diagnosis/mrBIPOL.html#
Today, I am going to tell about the emotion part and inappropriate social skills. I'll start with a story.
I was 5 years old when my grandmother passed away. She was the best grandmother anyone could ever ask for and she did a fantastic job of spoiling me everyday. I remember sitting in the funeral. My mother was crying like a baby, my father's eyes were quite watery also. Both my siblings were crying too...as a matter of fact, most people in the sanctuary were crying. There was so much sadness everywhere. What was I doing? Laughing. I was laughing.
Another time, I must have been about 17 this time, I was gathered around the table eating with my family. We had just heard on the news that a young boy had died after getting hit by a car. He was learning to ride a bike and had just got his training wheels taken off. I almost died laughing.
I have several other stories such as these and some involve different emotions too. I was fussed at and punished for most of them. I didn't understand why I was in trouble. I didn't understand that I was doing something wrong. As I lay here in my bed today with a clear mind, I understand how those responses were viewed as inappropriate. I understand that my family didn't know I was all that mentally ill at 5 years old. However, at age 17...I had already been diagnosed and they had been told to educate themselves. I already had a hard time at school. I got strange looks from most people almost anytime I opened my mouth and most people thought I was very weird. I only had 2 friends that over looked my schizophrenia enough to hang out with me outside of school. I didn't want to explain to everyone that I was schizophrenic and to please be patient with me. I didn't want them to be afraid or thing I was weird either. I just learned to keep my mouth shut because somehow everything I said was wrong. I never did anything with anyone because I knew I would look weird doing it (catatonic issues) or I would 't be able to understand. The only time I really did do anything without hallucinations or delusions telling me to, was when I was with either of my only friends. It is already rough having to be schizophrenic at school, but also in a home with a narrow minded step mom? The dr had given them the papers and website addresses to educate them selves. I was just yelled at instead of helped. To this day, I cringe just about every time I think about her and get so full of anxiety anytime I am near her. Her narrow mindedness, ignorance, and UNWILLINGNESS TO LEARN blew any chance of a healthy relationship between the 2 of us. She wonders why I don't want to come home and why I won't talk to her. Besides the fact that she calls herself my "mother and not mom," those are the biggest reasons I don't like her.
Point of this post? EDUCATE YOURSELVES and learn about people and what they struggle with before you are a douche to them. I had strange emotional and social responses that might could have been worked through had someone been willing to help outside of therapy once a week.
Lots of people know someone with a mental illness. Here are a few ways to make life a tad bit easier.
http://www.schizophrenia.com/ami/diagnosis/mrBIPOL.html#
Today, I am going to tell about the emotion part and inappropriate social skills. I'll start with a story.
I was 5 years old when my grandmother passed away. She was the best grandmother anyone could ever ask for and she did a fantastic job of spoiling me everyday. I remember sitting in the funeral. My mother was crying like a baby, my father's eyes were quite watery also. Both my siblings were crying too...as a matter of fact, most people in the sanctuary were crying. There was so much sadness everywhere. What was I doing? Laughing. I was laughing.
Another time, I must have been about 17 this time, I was gathered around the table eating with my family. We had just heard on the news that a young boy had died after getting hit by a car. He was learning to ride a bike and had just got his training wheels taken off. I almost died laughing.
I have several other stories such as these and some involve different emotions too. I was fussed at and punished for most of them. I didn't understand why I was in trouble. I didn't understand that I was doing something wrong. As I lay here in my bed today with a clear mind, I understand how those responses were viewed as inappropriate. I understand that my family didn't know I was all that mentally ill at 5 years old. However, at age 17...I had already been diagnosed and they had been told to educate themselves. I already had a hard time at school. I got strange looks from most people almost anytime I opened my mouth and most people thought I was very weird. I only had 2 friends that over looked my schizophrenia enough to hang out with me outside of school. I didn't want to explain to everyone that I was schizophrenic and to please be patient with me. I didn't want them to be afraid or thing I was weird either. I just learned to keep my mouth shut because somehow everything I said was wrong. I never did anything with anyone because I knew I would look weird doing it (catatonic issues) or I would 't be able to understand. The only time I really did do anything without hallucinations or delusions telling me to, was when I was with either of my only friends. It is already rough having to be schizophrenic at school, but also in a home with a narrow minded step mom? The dr had given them the papers and website addresses to educate them selves. I was just yelled at instead of helped. To this day, I cringe just about every time I think about her and get so full of anxiety anytime I am near her. Her narrow mindedness, ignorance, and UNWILLINGNESS TO LEARN blew any chance of a healthy relationship between the 2 of us. She wonders why I don't want to come home and why I won't talk to her. Besides the fact that she calls herself my "mother and not mom," those are the biggest reasons I don't like her.
Point of this post? EDUCATE YOURSELVES and learn about people and what they struggle with before you are a douche to them. I had strange emotional and social responses that might could have been worked through had someone been willing to help outside of therapy once a week.
Lots of people know someone with a mental illness. Here are a few ways to make life a tad bit easier.
- Try to understand. Communication and education are keys to the same door.
- Patients. Things may be rocky for a looooooooooooong time, but be willing to work with your loved one. They are the ill ones, remember?
- Don't threaten them with a psych ward visit or thorazine. Believe it or not, this happens. People's brains can be ill too. They are sick. Look at points 1 and 2 again.
- We don't always know what we need. We, as humans, can become selfish. We see things we want and try to get them even though they may not be good for us. We can become blind to our actual needs. We may become frightened for what ever reason and in return refuse what we actually need. If you know of someone that needs help, GET THEM HELP. Be sure to re-read points 1-3.
- Love them! You need it, I need it, and they need it. Love is the most important ingredients to this potion. Without love, humans are nothing. Remember to...
Love, a schizophrenic
Friday, July 10, 2015
Story time 4 "the three continued....again"
So we left off with my "mission" of saving the land of Tyrenia, being complicated by being in a strict psych ward. Let me remind you, I really had no idea that all of the Tyrenia/ hallucinations weren't real. I didn't even know who or what was a hallucination or wasn't.
My Blue brought the 12 bunnies in to see me. He knew that I was alone and wanted me to have someone. One of the nurse came and stood in my room, "Candace?" he asked. "What are you talking to?"
"The bunnies. They're over here in the corner." I remember responding. He smiled and walked away. Not long after that, it was time for meds. I had been switched around so much that I wasn't sure what I was supposed to be taking anymore. "Candace, Dr. So and so has decided to start you on a medicine called" I don't remember what it was called. "Why am I here?" I asked them. "To take medicine." was the nurse scanning bracelets response. At that time it had occurred to me that I didn't know where I was or why I was there. I began throwing fits. I thought that the government had taken me for testing so that they could also go to Tyrenia. Mr Red kept telling me to fight. I tried to leave. I wanted to, but I kept forgetting everything. I had 0 consentration abilities. The other 4 people in the ward tried to help me. I know they did because I remember them.
One night, Mr Green appeared to me while I was sleeping. He told me the war was progressing. He told me it would be too late soon. I remember going with him to Tyrenia that night. We searched everywhere for pieces of a mirror to end the war. "Why can't you come to my world...forever?" I asked him. "We wouldn't be welcomed." He said.
I woke up and one of the other patients was praying for me. Another patient accused him of having the spirit of Enoch. I know he was just bi-polar. He was in a manic state and experiencing psychosis. "Why aren't they welcomed?!" I screamed as he left. "Try her on Latuda!" I heard from the other patient. She had the same Dr I did and heard me screaming. I tried to go back to Tyrenia and I tried to find pieces of the mirror everywhere. Nothing worked.
I felt so anxious that night. "I think I am going to pass out." I said to the nurse. "Well, lay down so yu don't fall." She said as she watched netflix on her hospital issued laptop. "Its the Latuda. I'm on it." Said the one girl. "I think they put you on it too because nothing else worked. THey were going to send you with me." She said. "Send me with you?" I asked. "To Broughton. I've been there before." She replied. To those of you who don't know, Broughton is a state mental hospital in Morganton, N.C. "patients name... Why don't you let her rest?" asked one of the orderlies. I fell asleep later. THe anxiety had me bouncing around so bad. I was taking 160 mg every night along with other meds. I wrote my Dr a note asking how I would be able to save their world if I was on that stupid medicine. That is why he upped the dose so quickly I guess. Days later, I quit going to Tyrenia. I went home instead. Sometimes, I still see the 3. THey told me the Latuda helped me find the mirror. They said the war was inside me. They said each of them was a different part of me. My personality traits that if fully exposed, people wouldn't like me. I wouldn't be accepted. The Love Mirror? I needed to find love within myself so that I could truly love and not have a war waging inside of me. That was their explanation. I still see them sometimes along with many other things, but that delusion has faded and new ones arose. Those are true stories for another time though.
Love, a Schizophrenic
My Blue brought the 12 bunnies in to see me. He knew that I was alone and wanted me to have someone. One of the nurse came and stood in my room, "Candace?" he asked. "What are you talking to?"
"The bunnies. They're over here in the corner." I remember responding. He smiled and walked away. Not long after that, it was time for meds. I had been switched around so much that I wasn't sure what I was supposed to be taking anymore. "Candace, Dr. So and so has decided to start you on a medicine called" I don't remember what it was called. "Why am I here?" I asked them. "To take medicine." was the nurse scanning bracelets response. At that time it had occurred to me that I didn't know where I was or why I was there. I began throwing fits. I thought that the government had taken me for testing so that they could also go to Tyrenia. Mr Red kept telling me to fight. I tried to leave. I wanted to, but I kept forgetting everything. I had 0 consentration abilities. The other 4 people in the ward tried to help me. I know they did because I remember them.
One night, Mr Green appeared to me while I was sleeping. He told me the war was progressing. He told me it would be too late soon. I remember going with him to Tyrenia that night. We searched everywhere for pieces of a mirror to end the war. "Why can't you come to my world...forever?" I asked him. "We wouldn't be welcomed." He said.
I woke up and one of the other patients was praying for me. Another patient accused him of having the spirit of Enoch. I know he was just bi-polar. He was in a manic state and experiencing psychosis. "Why aren't they welcomed?!" I screamed as he left. "Try her on Latuda!" I heard from the other patient. She had the same Dr I did and heard me screaming. I tried to go back to Tyrenia and I tried to find pieces of the mirror everywhere. Nothing worked.
I felt so anxious that night. "I think I am going to pass out." I said to the nurse. "Well, lay down so yu don't fall." She said as she watched netflix on her hospital issued laptop. "Its the Latuda. I'm on it." Said the one girl. "I think they put you on it too because nothing else worked. THey were going to send you with me." She said. "Send me with you?" I asked. "To Broughton. I've been there before." She replied. To those of you who don't know, Broughton is a state mental hospital in Morganton, N.C. "patients name... Why don't you let her rest?" asked one of the orderlies. I fell asleep later. THe anxiety had me bouncing around so bad. I was taking 160 mg every night along with other meds. I wrote my Dr a note asking how I would be able to save their world if I was on that stupid medicine. That is why he upped the dose so quickly I guess. Days later, I quit going to Tyrenia. I went home instead. Sometimes, I still see the 3. THey told me the Latuda helped me find the mirror. They said the war was inside me. They said each of them was a different part of me. My personality traits that if fully exposed, people wouldn't like me. I wouldn't be accepted. The Love Mirror? I needed to find love within myself so that I could truly love and not have a war waging inside of me. That was their explanation. I still see them sometimes along with many other things, but that delusion has faded and new ones arose. Those are true stories for another time though.
Love, a Schizophrenic
Wednesday, July 8, 2015
Story time #3 "The three...continued"
This story is kinda long and may even be tough to understand. That is why I have put it into 2 separate post that may even turn into 3. So, to recap, I saw 3 really scary things that turned out not to be evil but instead needed my help.
Many people ask me how it was that I got to Tyrenia? "Did you walk?" "Was it another adventure?" "Meditation? Imagination?" Nah. None of those. I just had to walk through a door or around a corner. There was no long adventure or psychodelic shrooms. No meditation or imagination. My brain kinda did it on its own. Always without my permission.
As we walked through the town center, I saw many hallucinations I had seen before. The bunnies of the year were there and so were the mice and snakes. Some of the people were there and all of the creatures. Everything looked old and deep southish. We finally made it to the castle. I'd never seen anything like it before. I was so caught up in all these hallucinations and delusions that I didn't realize none of it was real. According to my family I just sat around or walked around all day. I didn't seem in the world at all. I was told that there was a mirror, The Love Mirror, that if assembled could end all wars to come. It was my mission to find it because the shards weren't just in Tyrenia, but also in reality. We Only had 1 of the pieces that we needed for it. So for a long time, I was back and forth between reality and Tyrenia.
Mr. Red came to me one day while I was at home. He said to me that the government didn't want me to collect the mirror pieces and had placed cameras all in my house. I became very paranoid. He told me that I could carve a secret symbol into my flesh to make it to where the cameras couldn't see me. It was a trapazoid with a dot and 4 lines in the center. I put it on my leg just below another message. That will be a story for another time though...There was just 1 more problem. The cameras that the government out everywhere could also see my family. I had to put the symbol in their skin too. That landed me back in the hospital. Mr Red said it was the governments way of keeping me from Tyrenia. He said that there were ways around it. He said that as long as either him, Mr. Green, or Mr. Blue stayed by my side the entire time then I could still get back and forth between my world and theirs. Mr.Red was with me most of the time.
I couldn't eat the hospital food. It had some sort of poison in it. Mr Red said that if I carved the word "poison" into my skin then the poison couldn't get in. Well, In psych wards they take everything from you. I didn't have shoe laces, bras with underwire, strings in my shorts, pens,pencils, no nothing. I did have fingernails. I carved "poison" in my right hand and arm with my fingernail and then asked the nurse for some crackers. She saw the marks and called another nurse over there. "You just can't reach all of 'em." She said as I walked away. I had to do it though so I could eat. They told my Dr and within 10 minutes I found myself in a lockdown ward. The ward was small and only had 4 other patients in it. 2 others that were schizophrenic, and 2 with bi-polar disorder. I couldn't walk on the floors though because they had poison on them. 252, a snake, had to slither over the floor and leave me a clean path so I could walk. I don't remember how long I was there. According to family and Drs, I wasn't even able to make complete sentences. My mission was made a bit more complicated since I was in this ward. What happened? You'll have to read part 3 to find out. Please, continue to love each other and
Love, a schizophrenic
Many people ask me how it was that I got to Tyrenia? "Did you walk?" "Was it another adventure?" "Meditation? Imagination?" Nah. None of those. I just had to walk through a door or around a corner. There was no long adventure or psychodelic shrooms. No meditation or imagination. My brain kinda did it on its own. Always without my permission.
As we walked through the town center, I saw many hallucinations I had seen before. The bunnies of the year were there and so were the mice and snakes. Some of the people were there and all of the creatures. Everything looked old and deep southish. We finally made it to the castle. I'd never seen anything like it before. I was so caught up in all these hallucinations and delusions that I didn't realize none of it was real. According to my family I just sat around or walked around all day. I didn't seem in the world at all. I was told that there was a mirror, The Love Mirror, that if assembled could end all wars to come. It was my mission to find it because the shards weren't just in Tyrenia, but also in reality. We Only had 1 of the pieces that we needed for it. So for a long time, I was back and forth between reality and Tyrenia.
Mr. Red came to me one day while I was at home. He said to me that the government didn't want me to collect the mirror pieces and had placed cameras all in my house. I became very paranoid. He told me that I could carve a secret symbol into my flesh to make it to where the cameras couldn't see me. It was a trapazoid with a dot and 4 lines in the center. I put it on my leg just below another message. That will be a story for another time though...There was just 1 more problem. The cameras that the government out everywhere could also see my family. I had to put the symbol in their skin too. That landed me back in the hospital. Mr Red said it was the governments way of keeping me from Tyrenia. He said that there were ways around it. He said that as long as either him, Mr. Green, or Mr. Blue stayed by my side the entire time then I could still get back and forth between my world and theirs. Mr.Red was with me most of the time.
I couldn't eat the hospital food. It had some sort of poison in it. Mr Red said that if I carved the word "poison" into my skin then the poison couldn't get in. Well, In psych wards they take everything from you. I didn't have shoe laces, bras with underwire, strings in my shorts, pens,pencils, no nothing. I did have fingernails. I carved "poison" in my right hand and arm with my fingernail and then asked the nurse for some crackers. She saw the marks and called another nurse over there. "You just can't reach all of 'em." She said as I walked away. I had to do it though so I could eat. They told my Dr and within 10 minutes I found myself in a lockdown ward. The ward was small and only had 4 other patients in it. 2 others that were schizophrenic, and 2 with bi-polar disorder. I couldn't walk on the floors though because they had poison on them. 252, a snake, had to slither over the floor and leave me a clean path so I could walk. I don't remember how long I was there. According to family and Drs, I wasn't even able to make complete sentences. My mission was made a bit more complicated since I was in this ward. What happened? You'll have to read part 3 to find out. Please, continue to love each other and
Love, a schizophrenic
Tuesday, July 7, 2015
Story time #2 "the three"
The walking dead, An American Horror Story, Saw, Vile, The Babadook...all good pretty scary shows and movies right? All are based off some interesting thoughts and ideas. Well, the cool thing? I have a horror story of my own. I live it everyday. So, for your reading entertainment and maybe educational purposes, I bring you....."The Three!" DUH DUH DUH!!!!!!!!!!
I climbed up in my bed. The day had been full of classes, rehearsals, practicing instruments, rugby practice, and home work. I was exhausted. I quickly said my prayers and pulled up my blankies. I felt something strange. It wasn't a physical touch. It was more of a weird feeling inside that carried with it the thought of something is watching me. I rolled over and screamed, "HOLY JESUS, JESUS!!!!" Standing just across from me in my dorm room were 3 very tall creatures. They were standing in a triangle formation. They all looked identical. They were at least 8 feet tall, with long tails, and 3 toes on each foot. They had black leathery skin and red horizontal stripes across their backs over their spines. The only way I could tell them apart was by their eye color. The one in front, had red eyes. The "whites of their eyes" were all black btw. He stood hunched over with his long claws in front. He was angry and breathing heavily as if he were so ready to attack. To his right, was another one. This one with deep blue eyes. He didn't seem angry...or anything for that matter. The one to his left though...he had green eyes. He looked pretty pissed too. They just stood there.
"Candace?" My suitmate popped her head in the door. "Are you okay?" She obviously couldn't see them..."yea. bad dream. sorry." I responded as my heart was pounding out of my chest. She walked out. The three stood their all night and I didn't sleep a wink even though I was on 1200 mg of Seroquel as an anti-psychotic. They followed me around everywhere the next day. I finally broke down and told a close friends. This close friends happens to have, or at least claims to have, the ability to see into the spirit world. She seemed to think that I was seeing some sort of demon. She never claimed to be able to see them. I could sense where they were it seemed like. At least most of the time I could point in their direction.
This problem continued on for weeks. The three started to get a bit more "active" if you will. They wouldn't quit moving my things or my roommate's things. My roommate never seemed to notice anything out of place though. It must have been 3am when I had had enough. I jumped up and ran out of my room and down the hall to my best friends room. I just kept knocking. I really needed her. She finally opened her door and I told her everything. I told her what they were doing and that I just couldn't take it anymore. We walked into the lobby. Of course they followed us. There were some people that they seemed to avoid and she was one of them. When she tried to pray them away, the blue eyed one charged and got right in her face. She had no idea. They finally went away around 5. I got 3 hours of sleep. They kept up their charades...until one night
"What do you want? Who are you and why won't you just leave me alone?" I whispered to them. They told me that they needed my help. They told me that their home land was in danger and that I was the only once that could stop it. The blue eyed one came forth and told me his name. "I am Tyrenious Blue." He said. "I am the king of Tyrenia." The other two also held pretty important positions in Tyrenia. The red eyed one said his name is Sicadious Red, but the green was just Mr. Green. THey all agreed that I could call them Mr Blue, Mr red, and Mr Green. They said they couldn't give me anymore information yet. They continued to follow, but I wasn't afraid anymore.
The school year had finished and I went home. Mr Blue and Mr Green came to tell me the missing information. "Tyrenia is under attack by other nations on our planet, Toftinally." It totally scared the crap out of me because I wasn't aware he was in the room when he began speaking. He said, "There are 2 moons for out planet. Every time our planet endures a war, a moon with receive 1 ring." He went on to explain that each moon could only maintain 2 rings. That meant if a fifth war broke out the entire planet would explode. "How can I help if I'm not in Tyrenia?"I asked him. Long story short, he took me to Tyrenia .......................................................To be continued
In the mean time, remember to
Love, a schizophrenic
I climbed up in my bed. The day had been full of classes, rehearsals, practicing instruments, rugby practice, and home work. I was exhausted. I quickly said my prayers and pulled up my blankies. I felt something strange. It wasn't a physical touch. It was more of a weird feeling inside that carried with it the thought of something is watching me. I rolled over and screamed, "HOLY JESUS, JESUS!!!!" Standing just across from me in my dorm room were 3 very tall creatures. They were standing in a triangle formation. They all looked identical. They were at least 8 feet tall, with long tails, and 3 toes on each foot. They had black leathery skin and red horizontal stripes across their backs over their spines. The only way I could tell them apart was by their eye color. The one in front, had red eyes. The "whites of their eyes" were all black btw. He stood hunched over with his long claws in front. He was angry and breathing heavily as if he were so ready to attack. To his right, was another one. This one with deep blue eyes. He didn't seem angry...or anything for that matter. The one to his left though...he had green eyes. He looked pretty pissed too. They just stood there.
"Candace?" My suitmate popped her head in the door. "Are you okay?" She obviously couldn't see them..."yea. bad dream. sorry." I responded as my heart was pounding out of my chest. She walked out. The three stood their all night and I didn't sleep a wink even though I was on 1200 mg of Seroquel as an anti-psychotic. They followed me around everywhere the next day. I finally broke down and told a close friends. This close friends happens to have, or at least claims to have, the ability to see into the spirit world. She seemed to think that I was seeing some sort of demon. She never claimed to be able to see them. I could sense where they were it seemed like. At least most of the time I could point in their direction.
This problem continued on for weeks. The three started to get a bit more "active" if you will. They wouldn't quit moving my things or my roommate's things. My roommate never seemed to notice anything out of place though. It must have been 3am when I had had enough. I jumped up and ran out of my room and down the hall to my best friends room. I just kept knocking. I really needed her. She finally opened her door and I told her everything. I told her what they were doing and that I just couldn't take it anymore. We walked into the lobby. Of course they followed us. There were some people that they seemed to avoid and she was one of them. When she tried to pray them away, the blue eyed one charged and got right in her face. She had no idea. They finally went away around 5. I got 3 hours of sleep. They kept up their charades...until one night
"What do you want? Who are you and why won't you just leave me alone?" I whispered to them. They told me that they needed my help. They told me that their home land was in danger and that I was the only once that could stop it. The blue eyed one came forth and told me his name. "I am Tyrenious Blue." He said. "I am the king of Tyrenia." The other two also held pretty important positions in Tyrenia. The red eyed one said his name is Sicadious Red, but the green was just Mr. Green. THey all agreed that I could call them Mr Blue, Mr red, and Mr Green. They said they couldn't give me anymore information yet. They continued to follow, but I wasn't afraid anymore.
The school year had finished and I went home. Mr Blue and Mr Green came to tell me the missing information. "Tyrenia is under attack by other nations on our planet, Toftinally." It totally scared the crap out of me because I wasn't aware he was in the room when he began speaking. He said, "There are 2 moons for out planet. Every time our planet endures a war, a moon with receive 1 ring." He went on to explain that each moon could only maintain 2 rings. That meant if a fifth war broke out the entire planet would explode. "How can I help if I'm not in Tyrenia?"I asked him. Long story short, he took me to Tyrenia .......................................................To be continued
In the mean time, remember to
Love, a schizophrenic
clarification
So, I shared my blogging address on some other websites that I use often and 1 person had a small problem with it. So, for clarification, what I post on here is from my experience. I may not always have the most up to date statistics or research. If I do, I will most likely include a link and a cite. Sorry for the confusion. I am a schizophrenic, not all of them. I cannot speak 100% for everyone, but I can for myself.
Love, a schizophrenic
Love, a schizophrenic
Monday, July 6, 2015
murder
Did you know that someone else's blood can be on your hands and you don't even have to do any physical damage to them? Words really do hurt people.
My dad remarried when I was 16 after my mother died from Lupus when I was 12. I knew that he couldn't be alone forever. It wasn't healthy...at least for him. He asked if I was okay with them marrying. No, of course I'm not. "Yea! If that's what you want." I said, trying to sound happy for him. Not long after that (by not long, I mean 2 weeks) they got married and she moved in along with her youngest son. Not long after that, I had to be taken back to a psych ward. Before I go on, please understand that this blog doesn't just relate to mental illness, but also to people in general.
"So, what's it like to be normal now?" My dad's wife asked me. I didn't know what to say so I just smiled and said "good, I guess." She wasn't the only one. Others used to say things like, "why can't you just take more medicine? Do you even need the medicine anyway?" or "Why can't you just be normal?" or, my personal favorite, "Are you feeling better today?" Schizophrenia doesn't just go away over night...or ever really, for that matter. I've been fussed at for being depressed. Teachers used to fuss at me and say "you seem so out of it! What is wrong with you?!" My dad's wife would say, "Can't you just be happy? Do you know what it does to your dad when he hears you out here crying and he can't fix it?" I don't know how much thought to type here because, years later, I still can't comprehend why on God's green earth someone would say that? I know that living and helping someone with a mental disorder can be tough, but imagine actually being that person.
People, please be careful what you say to one another. My mom taught me a little trick as a child. I told, on several occasions, my sister that I hated here. My mom, my real mom, had a hissy fit. She pulled, my sister, my brother, and myself into the living room. She said, "Andria" (my little sister) "go and hide behind the recliner." Andria did so. "Candace," my mom turned to me, "Andria is dead now. The last thing you told her was that you hated her. Now what? You sister DIED thinking you hated her. Are you still okay with your decision to say that?"
My point? DON"T BE A DOUCHE BAG. I don't care if you are atheist, christian, muslim, black, white, purple, green and yellow polka dot polly wog from Gula Gula Island, homosexual, heterosexual, transgender, hermaphrodite, or fat as fat can be. Don't be a douche. People literally kill themselves over mess like that. I know I have tried several times not just because hallucinations tell me to, but because people make me feel useless and in the way. I feel misunderstood and I know I am not the only one. Please, love everyone and
love, a schizophrenic
My dad remarried when I was 16 after my mother died from Lupus when I was 12. I knew that he couldn't be alone forever. It wasn't healthy...at least for him. He asked if I was okay with them marrying. No, of course I'm not. "Yea! If that's what you want." I said, trying to sound happy for him. Not long after that (by not long, I mean 2 weeks) they got married and she moved in along with her youngest son. Not long after that, I had to be taken back to a psych ward. Before I go on, please understand that this blog doesn't just relate to mental illness, but also to people in general.
"So, what's it like to be normal now?" My dad's wife asked me. I didn't know what to say so I just smiled and said "good, I guess." She wasn't the only one. Others used to say things like, "why can't you just take more medicine? Do you even need the medicine anyway?" or "Why can't you just be normal?" or, my personal favorite, "Are you feeling better today?" Schizophrenia doesn't just go away over night...or ever really, for that matter. I've been fussed at for being depressed. Teachers used to fuss at me and say "you seem so out of it! What is wrong with you?!" My dad's wife would say, "Can't you just be happy? Do you know what it does to your dad when he hears you out here crying and he can't fix it?" I don't know how much thought to type here because, years later, I still can't comprehend why on God's green earth someone would say that? I know that living and helping someone with a mental disorder can be tough, but imagine actually being that person.
People, please be careful what you say to one another. My mom taught me a little trick as a child. I told, on several occasions, my sister that I hated here. My mom, my real mom, had a hissy fit. She pulled, my sister, my brother, and myself into the living room. She said, "Andria" (my little sister) "go and hide behind the recliner." Andria did so. "Candace," my mom turned to me, "Andria is dead now. The last thing you told her was that you hated her. Now what? You sister DIED thinking you hated her. Are you still okay with your decision to say that?"
My point? DON"T BE A DOUCHE BAG. I don't care if you are atheist, christian, muslim, black, white, purple, green and yellow polka dot polly wog from Gula Gula Island, homosexual, heterosexual, transgender, hermaphrodite, or fat as fat can be. Don't be a douche. People literally kill themselves over mess like that. I know I have tried several times not just because hallucinations tell me to, but because people make me feel useless and in the way. I feel misunderstood and I know I am not the only one. Please, love everyone and
love, a schizophrenic
Saturday, July 4, 2015
Story time #1 "Used to be"
When people find out I am schizophrenic, they usually ask me, "is it scary?" Yes. Yes, it is. So, I thought that I might share a few true stories on here every now and then . This is story #1. Ya ready? Cool.
I was 12 years old when I first met her. Her name is "Used to be a Lady." I call her "Used to be" for short. Used to be is, as you can probably tell by the name, a hallucination. She was never really tall at all. She probably stood just under 5 feet tall. She had white shaggy hair and big eyes. Her skin was black and leathery. All she ever did was stare. As time went on, Used to be changed.
Soon, she was nothing but a small creature crawling around on fingers and toes because she had no legs anymore. Her head stayed the same, but her back shrunk into a small table top. She hissed and gurgled as she chased me. I'd run into a room and slam the door. She would just go under the door. She'd crawl on me while I was in bed and try to crawl into the bath tub with me. She was very frightening at first. Until one night...
The hot water was running over my tired feet. The steam drifted upward towards the fan and steamed up the mirror on its way. Pandora radio station played loudly on my phone. It was my only way of drowning out some of the voices. I heard over the music, something scratching at the door. In came Used to be from under the door. Frightened, I sat straight up but she just sat there. I decided that since she has never actually harmed me before, that she wouldn't this time and that meant she was harmless. She just sat and starred. I finally got the guts to ask, "Who are you and what do you want." Not a word. I had been calling her Used to be, but wanted to see if she had an actual name. Something less frightening like Suzy or Amy...no. She just sat there. "Is it alright if I call you 'Used to be?" Not a word. I continued to ask questions like "where are you from? What do you want?" There was never an answer. I decided that she was still harmless and just liked to follow me. From that day on up until about age 20, I saw her everywhere I went. All she did was gurgle and scratch things.
Something had changed her. She used to be a Lady. She used to be happy and free, but something beat her. Was she schizophrenic too? Was life to cruel to her? I'm not sure. She often made me laugh so not every part of her was gone. Maybe she'd been different if someone could have been able to
Love, a schizophrenic.
Intro to loveaschizophrenic
Schizophrenia...scary right? Most people think I am a psycho crazy murderer, but honestly I am like everyone else...right?
Growing up, I thought I was like everyone else except for the fact that everyone treated me different. I loved to play outside, I loved chocolate ice cream, and I loved to explore...people's dresser drawers and closets. I thought they were interesting, okay? Okay.
I started having auditory hallucinations when I was very young. The first one I remember told me to tip a hot pot of water off the stove. I reached for it and mama smacked my hand away. I'd always heard people talking about "the little voice in your head" so I thought they were talking about, at that time, the 4 or 5 in mine. It wasn't until I was 17 that I was diagnosed with schizophrenia. Let's face it, who want to tell the parents of an 8 year old that their child has schizophrenia...or any other brain disorder for that matter? Doctors like to wait. They like to wait until there is no other choice of diagnosis, after all the test have been given, and all the blood is drawn to finally give in to the parent's biggest fear. Not just schizophrenia, but the things that come along with it. The sleepless nights, the cognitive challenges, fear of "who will take care of my baby after I'm gone, or after all the grey matter is eaten from their brain?" fears of failure and hobo-ism, fear of having to explain to people at church why I can't sit still, fear of teachers yelling when they can't "deal" with me, fear of having to explain to family why I can't be in the military, and most of all is the fear of ignorant people.
For those of you who don't know, schizophrenia is a brain disorder. It usually causes some sort of hallucinations (mine are auditory, visual, and tactile), sometimes can cause delusions and paranoia, depression, anxiety, forgetfulness, disorganized thought patterns and behavior (this may appear to be add or adhd if not diagnosed, or come across as a very twisted logic), catatonic states, and many other symptoms. Everyone's presents differently because everyone is different. Some researchers found that certain things are different in schizophrenic people's DNA and the way our brain's interpret things.
Many people fail to understand or bother to research before making cruel comments or jokes. Things like that need to stop because they come from ignorance. I'm just here to educate and tell some interesting stories. So, whether you are here for the health, the drama, or to read a good and true scary story...
Love, A Schizophrenic
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