Nothings really changed.
My friends are separating again. I'm still in school. I think my neighbor is cheating on her bf. I spill the tea on that later. I just figured I should post on here since it's been a minute.
Love,
A Schizophrenic
Monday, October 10, 2022
Sunday, July 26, 2020
Sex trafficking rings
Man has it been a hot minute since I've been on here!
Nothing much has changed since last I wrote. Same crap a different day really. I'm getting a little worried due to some issues I'm am starting to become more aware of the past few days. I'll make it as quick a read as I can, but it needs to be known that certain cities in the USA are full of perverts and creepers.
It was about 9pm thursday night when I was making my way home from work. I take one of the main streets in town to get home and theres typically a good amount of traffic all day and all night on this main street. It is 2 lanes in each direction with stop lights every block. This trash heap of a car pulls up next to me and uses aaaaall 2 of his teeth to whistle at me and yell "aye! Baby girl!" he repeats this action for a few blocks before slowing down and merging behind me. Spare parts man continues to follow me. Some how this meth head is able to run 4 red lights with me past 2 cops and neither of us get pulled. I drive all over town to lose this guy before finally returning home. I was kinda sketched out.
TODAAAAAY! I am at the gas station up the road getting a drink and a snack when hill billy bob ask me where I'm from. I tell him the state I am from which is not the state in which I currently reside. He ask me a few other questions like "where are you going?" and "are you a long way from home." I keep my answers as short and not info giving as I can. I pay for my stuff and make my escape only to realize hill billy bob and his padre, pot belly burt, are waiting for me outside. They see me climb in my jeep and proceed to ask questions about it. Thats cool. I don't have doors on it at the moment and I'm afraid ole junior and his papa are finna force a ride. I quickly answer without bein rude, tell them "have a good one" and make my leave. I was sure to head out the other way to they couldn't catch my tags or follow me.
Now, Cue me at home with my housemates riggin up some security stuff because people are creeps.
Take care of yourselves and watch out for one another. NO CREEPIN!
Love, A Schizophrenic
Wednesday, March 4, 2020
What happens after you tell...
About 10 years ago I had joined a youth group at a church. We had a youth pastor who said many crude things to many kids and about other kids in the group. I recall one trip in particular that made many uncomfortable by his presence. My cousin came to me upset because of something that had happened in their hotel room the previous night. He said that Kevin, the youth pastor, had been bullying and embarrassing him. He said that Kevin pantsed him in front of everyone in the room, pushed him on the bed, and forced a stuffed animal up his you know where. Later on the trip Kevin had touched my hip and my breast. He made comments about it to the older boys in the group later. Fast forward to this year. Kevin is no longer the youth pastor, but was running for a seat on the board of education back home. I emailed the superintendent explaining why this man should not be allowed to run and should not be anywhere near children. I never received an email, but was relieved when I saw that he had not been elected.
So now what? Well, this is not the first time that I have opened up to someone about some sort of sexual abuse or unwanted sexual act. Many people are afraid to tell because they do not know what happens afterwards. I feared getting in trouble and ruining someone's life. Kevin has 2 daughters. What happens to them? Could it ruin their lives?
1st off, lets talk about what can happen after you tell. In a way it will be relieving because you no longer have that secret and you can begin to heal. You can begin to learn that what happened was not your fault and the consequences the offender faces after you tell is also not your fault.You are not alone and you do not have to heal alone either. There are people that can help you.
2nd, what might happen. This is the scary part. There is a chance no one will believe you. It happened to me and I took long to begin healing because I did not want to offend others by calling out their dis belief. The person may get angry and target you. I have also had this happen because no one believed me and he was set left free. Others may come forth about what the person did to them. This has also happened to me. After I opened up about my brother's friend trying to rape me many of my friends and even strangers from my school spoke up and said that he had done the same to them. It may save someone. What if Kevin is doing the same thing to his daughters? Well, now someone knows to watch for it. What if he isn't? What if it ruins his life or theirs? These things are not your fault. The person does these things themselves when they commit the act(s).
3rd. What does NOT happen. You may not heal immediately. You will not get into trouble. It may not fix your life or cover up the scars.
If you have been abused in someway by someone please tell someone! The way we end the stigma about all the #metoo is by talking about it. Make it known.
Take care of yourselves and each other.
Love, A Schizophrenic
So now what? Well, this is not the first time that I have opened up to someone about some sort of sexual abuse or unwanted sexual act. Many people are afraid to tell because they do not know what happens afterwards. I feared getting in trouble and ruining someone's life. Kevin has 2 daughters. What happens to them? Could it ruin their lives?
1st off, lets talk about what can happen after you tell. In a way it will be relieving because you no longer have that secret and you can begin to heal. You can begin to learn that what happened was not your fault and the consequences the offender faces after you tell is also not your fault.You are not alone and you do not have to heal alone either. There are people that can help you.
2nd, what might happen. This is the scary part. There is a chance no one will believe you. It happened to me and I took long to begin healing because I did not want to offend others by calling out their dis belief. The person may get angry and target you. I have also had this happen because no one believed me and he was set left free. Others may come forth about what the person did to them. This has also happened to me. After I opened up about my brother's friend trying to rape me many of my friends and even strangers from my school spoke up and said that he had done the same to them. It may save someone. What if Kevin is doing the same thing to his daughters? Well, now someone knows to watch for it. What if he isn't? What if it ruins his life or theirs? These things are not your fault. The person does these things themselves when they commit the act(s).
3rd. What does NOT happen. You may not heal immediately. You will not get into trouble. It may not fix your life or cover up the scars.
If you have been abused in someway by someone please tell someone! The way we end the stigma about all the #metoo is by talking about it. Make it known.
Take care of yourselves and each other.
Love, A Schizophrenic
Wednesday, January 22, 2020
Another The Mighty Story
We've all been there. That moment when you realize your illness is inconvenient and difficult for others. For that moment, even in the slightest, you may feel as if you owe someone an apology. You may forget that you don't control your illness and may think it is your fault. Just for that moment.
I was 20 years old and had taken a break from school because of schizophrenia. I needed to move back home to my parent's house. I had been in and out of hospitals all year and tensions were high in our household. My step mother had been known to make comments here and there about my illness. "Its like walking on egg shells around you." She'd say without realizing I felt the same thing about her. Or "Why don't you sit still? People are starring." "Don't tell the church people. They won't understand." The sun began to set that evening and I could feel depression begin to eat me alive. "You're so dramatic." She said passing me by. I was sitting on our couch watching television as tears poured out of my face. Later, she came back out of her room, turned to me and said "Do you know what it does to your father? Hearing you out here boo hooing knowing he can't fix it!" I told her "I don't know what you want me to do about it. I'm sorry."
Ever since that moment, I felt bad for being unwell because I knew it made my father sad. I have battled inside with whether or not to share this story. I do not wish to make my step mother seem bad because she certainly is not. She was simply overwhelmed with an ill child and a heartbroken husband. Many of us may have said the same thing.
I've thought about this over the years. Many of you can probably think of several times when you were made to feel ( by yourself or by others) as if you owed someone and apology. You do not. You may not even owe anyone an explanation. Put the stick down you've been beating your self up with and use it to help yourself stand up straight. If you struggle with an illness/disorder IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Sure, cancelling plans or whatever may be an inconvenience to others, but they may not have a clue as to what you are dealing with. People will just have to deal with it.
Life is hard enough. If someone is struggling with something be kind enough to help them. We're all in this together.
Love, A Schizophrenic
I was 20 years old and had taken a break from school because of schizophrenia. I needed to move back home to my parent's house. I had been in and out of hospitals all year and tensions were high in our household. My step mother had been known to make comments here and there about my illness. "Its like walking on egg shells around you." She'd say without realizing I felt the same thing about her. Or "Why don't you sit still? People are starring." "Don't tell the church people. They won't understand." The sun began to set that evening and I could feel depression begin to eat me alive. "You're so dramatic." She said passing me by. I was sitting on our couch watching television as tears poured out of my face. Later, she came back out of her room, turned to me and said "Do you know what it does to your father? Hearing you out here boo hooing knowing he can't fix it!" I told her "I don't know what you want me to do about it. I'm sorry."
Ever since that moment, I felt bad for being unwell because I knew it made my father sad. I have battled inside with whether or not to share this story. I do not wish to make my step mother seem bad because she certainly is not. She was simply overwhelmed with an ill child and a heartbroken husband. Many of us may have said the same thing.
I've thought about this over the years. Many of you can probably think of several times when you were made to feel ( by yourself or by others) as if you owed someone and apology. You do not. You may not even owe anyone an explanation. Put the stick down you've been beating your self up with and use it to help yourself stand up straight. If you struggle with an illness/disorder IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Sure, cancelling plans or whatever may be an inconvenience to others, but they may not have a clue as to what you are dealing with. People will just have to deal with it.
Life is hard enough. If someone is struggling with something be kind enough to help them. We're all in this together.
Love, A Schizophrenic
Sunday, October 20, 2019
Mighty story
Welp, after a series of events I decided tosubmit another story to the mighty. I'm to lazy to retell it here so long story short: I'm schizophrenic and I had a bad week because of it. It upset people. The end.
Also, if someone gives you twa to "heal your blah blah blah" they lying and are ignorant. Punch em.
Love, A schizophrenic
Also, if someone gives you twa to "heal your blah blah blah" they lying and are ignorant. Punch em.
Love, A schizophrenic
Sunday, August 11, 2019
Re inventing the Wheel
My mind is beginning to circle back to the same problems. What about the future? my future? what are my plans? Everyone else is so far past me in life and here I sit.
Love, A Schizophrenic
Love, A Schizophrenic
Sunday, June 9, 2019
Fight: Irishmen vs American Women
So the past couple weeks have been interesting. We've had 2 guest at our house. 1 is a friend my housemate basically grew up with and the other is a friend from ireland her husband met on xbox. We've all been hanging out and going exploring, hiking, swimming, eating, and shopping. Fun right? Sure....
Most of it was fun and Damien is a really nice guy who apparently had a little crush on me. Yikes. Luckily, he noticed I am a "free spirit" as he put it. Dodged a bullet on that one. Yeet yeet. His problem is....MANSPLANING.... He mansplanned my jeep, my parking break, how to drive stick even though i drive a stick, mountain roads, water, hiking trails, bras, cheese, trucks, cars, turning lanes and lights, money, bumpers, tires, roads, fries, dos bros, dogs, walmart, stars, sunsets, gum on clothes, paint, medical things to my pre med friend, tea, sexism, fighting, parking, mountains, rivers, heat, and a billion other things. It was so annoying. He stressed us all out so bad at times because he just would not stop talking. He kept complaining and complaining and complaining. I think he has a case of culture shock. He finally leaves today and we are happy. We love the guy to death really, but he is a friend for small trips and light doses and not 2 weeks adventures. I was so afraid I was gonna say something to start a fight, but.....
Our other visiting friend jokingly said "fight me." I got excited because I LOVE FIGHTING! It is so fun and I was trained in a few forms martial arts. Through some peer pressure we all ended up in the backyard last night for a fight. I boxed our other visiting friend. She had some good punches, but I won. Damien fought my housemates husband....and won. I decided to take on the winner.....
After calling him sexist for being willing to hit a guy, but not a girl, he finally gave in. We had ourselves a good ole fashioned mixed gender boxing match. He did not hit hard at all despite all of his grunting and moaning. I tore him up. My housemate, her husband, and our friend all agreed Damien got his booty handed to him. Before he left for chocolate he said he is sore and bruised from our fight lol
Now he can go back to Ireland and tell them how kick ass women in the USA are.
Have fun
Love, A Schizophrenic
Most of it was fun and Damien is a really nice guy who apparently had a little crush on me. Yikes. Luckily, he noticed I am a "free spirit" as he put it. Dodged a bullet on that one. Yeet yeet. His problem is....MANSPLANING.... He mansplanned my jeep, my parking break, how to drive stick even though i drive a stick, mountain roads, water, hiking trails, bras, cheese, trucks, cars, turning lanes and lights, money, bumpers, tires, roads, fries, dos bros, dogs, walmart, stars, sunsets, gum on clothes, paint, medical things to my pre med friend, tea, sexism, fighting, parking, mountains, rivers, heat, and a billion other things. It was so annoying. He stressed us all out so bad at times because he just would not stop talking. He kept complaining and complaining and complaining. I think he has a case of culture shock. He finally leaves today and we are happy. We love the guy to death really, but he is a friend for small trips and light doses and not 2 weeks adventures. I was so afraid I was gonna say something to start a fight, but.....
Our other visiting friend jokingly said "fight me." I got excited because I LOVE FIGHTING! It is so fun and I was trained in a few forms martial arts. Through some peer pressure we all ended up in the backyard last night for a fight. I boxed our other visiting friend. She had some good punches, but I won. Damien fought my housemates husband....and won. I decided to take on the winner.....
After calling him sexist for being willing to hit a guy, but not a girl, he finally gave in. We had ourselves a good ole fashioned mixed gender boxing match. He did not hit hard at all despite all of his grunting and moaning. I tore him up. My housemate, her husband, and our friend all agreed Damien got his booty handed to him. Before he left for chocolate he said he is sore and bruised from our fight lol
Now he can go back to Ireland and tell them how kick ass women in the USA are.
Have fun
Love, A Schizophrenic
Thursday, June 6, 2019
learning to live with schizophrenia, the mighty
Making it through every day life as some one living with schizophrenia can be extremely tough. Going to college....well that can make it more difficult as well. It may even seem impossible at times.
College is full of opportunity, new experiences, and stressful expectations. When I first arrive to college, I was petrified. It was such a last minute thing for many reasons, had no job yet, I did not know anyone, and I was 6 hours away from home and in another state. I had to get settled on my own. I had to jump through hoops all over this new place just to get registered and financial aid worked out. I needed books too. I had an audition and rehearsals to run to. That sounds like an average beginning, but I was battling against schizophrenia at the time.
My university helped me inform my professors of my needs and helped me find ways to communicate with multiple doctors in multiple states. I was learning to keep myself on a strict daily schedule. I absolutely hated it. I hated fitting medication time in to my schedule. I hated that I took my exams in another room room from the other students. It made me angry that an alternative testing site actually helped in some cases. As a musician, I was frustrated that others could hear without hallucinations. I was embarrassed when I would begin speaking to someone only to realize they were not actually real. There were times I could not see to read music or see the board in class because a hallucination thought it necessary to stand where ever I looked. Professors thought I was unorganized. They thought I did not care because I often forgot things even if I wrote it down.They told me I needed to consider changing my major on several occasions. Many thought it necessary to tell me what was best for me when they had no idea the daily battle I, and several students, were facing. Everyone told me I should go to counseling. They didn't realize I was having as many as 4 psychiatrist/ psychologist visits a week. I hated coming out of a delusion that made think I had been cured or healed only to have to tell people it was just a schizophrenic delusion. I hated every waking second of being me because of the schizophrenia.
Learning to live with schizophrenia is a process. It is a process that takes time, trial and error, and inhuman amounts of patience. It is something that I still working on. I wanted to write this story to anyone living with or battling against a disorder of any kind. There are going to be times where you hate your disorder. There may be times where you feel so incapable and so excluded from everything and everyone else. I encourage you to push through. Push through your frustrations, hurt, confusion, overwhelms, and obstacles. Be the person that over comes in the face of adversity when no one else can. It will not be easy. It may take much longer than you thought, but keep moving.
One of the biggest most difficult things for anyone is learning your limits. I had to figure out ways to schedule things so that I was not overwhelmed with life. This meant taking fewer classes and allowing more mental break time. If things aren't working, talk with your therapist to figure out why. Trial and error. Try to be patient with yourself. There were times I would get so angry at myself that I could not function. It all goes back to taking time. Take time for yourself.
You never have to do something you do not want to do. We've all been in situations where we've felt obligated to do something or go somewhere that was stressful. It is okay to tell others "no." They will survive. I had to learn this the hard way. I had began to run myself ragged and was afraid to stop moving. One day my therapist told me to stop moving for 10 minutes a day. At 1st, I could only stop for 2 minutes, then 5, and so on. During one of my 10 minute stops, I heard music. It was a hallucination, but I decided to write it down. I had been taking aural skills classes so I decided to put it to use. I wrote down what I had heard and then wrote some more. At night, I began to dream in music. I would write it down when I woke up. I'd put all of these musical thoughts together and make compositions of them. When I am writing or playing music everything stops. Even though those moments are filled with music, those are the quietest moments. Those are the moments that taught me to see the beauty in my imperfections. That was the start of learning to live with schizophrenia instead of fighting against it.
There are still days where I struggle. There are days where I can't make complete sentences and struggle to remember my name. I still get impatient with myself. I still self harm. I still do a lot of things, but I am learning to be at peace. I am learning to live with rather than fight against schizophrenia.
I hope that the reader will find something that gives them even just a moment of peace. And in that peace, a moment of self love and patience.
Love, A Schizophrenic
College is full of opportunity, new experiences, and stressful expectations. When I first arrive to college, I was petrified. It was such a last minute thing for many reasons, had no job yet, I did not know anyone, and I was 6 hours away from home and in another state. I had to get settled on my own. I had to jump through hoops all over this new place just to get registered and financial aid worked out. I needed books too. I had an audition and rehearsals to run to. That sounds like an average beginning, but I was battling against schizophrenia at the time.
My university helped me inform my professors of my needs and helped me find ways to communicate with multiple doctors in multiple states. I was learning to keep myself on a strict daily schedule. I absolutely hated it. I hated fitting medication time in to my schedule. I hated that I took my exams in another room room from the other students. It made me angry that an alternative testing site actually helped in some cases. As a musician, I was frustrated that others could hear without hallucinations. I was embarrassed when I would begin speaking to someone only to realize they were not actually real. There were times I could not see to read music or see the board in class because a hallucination thought it necessary to stand where ever I looked. Professors thought I was unorganized. They thought I did not care because I often forgot things even if I wrote it down.They told me I needed to consider changing my major on several occasions. Many thought it necessary to tell me what was best for me when they had no idea the daily battle I, and several students, were facing. Everyone told me I should go to counseling. They didn't realize I was having as many as 4 psychiatrist/ psychologist visits a week. I hated coming out of a delusion that made think I had been cured or healed only to have to tell people it was just a schizophrenic delusion. I hated every waking second of being me because of the schizophrenia.
Learning to live with schizophrenia is a process. It is a process that takes time, trial and error, and inhuman amounts of patience. It is something that I still working on. I wanted to write this story to anyone living with or battling against a disorder of any kind. There are going to be times where you hate your disorder. There may be times where you feel so incapable and so excluded from everything and everyone else. I encourage you to push through. Push through your frustrations, hurt, confusion, overwhelms, and obstacles. Be the person that over comes in the face of adversity when no one else can. It will not be easy. It may take much longer than you thought, but keep moving.
One of the biggest most difficult things for anyone is learning your limits. I had to figure out ways to schedule things so that I was not overwhelmed with life. This meant taking fewer classes and allowing more mental break time. If things aren't working, talk with your therapist to figure out why. Trial and error. Try to be patient with yourself. There were times I would get so angry at myself that I could not function. It all goes back to taking time. Take time for yourself.
You never have to do something you do not want to do. We've all been in situations where we've felt obligated to do something or go somewhere that was stressful. It is okay to tell others "no." They will survive. I had to learn this the hard way. I had began to run myself ragged and was afraid to stop moving. One day my therapist told me to stop moving for 10 minutes a day. At 1st, I could only stop for 2 minutes, then 5, and so on. During one of my 10 minute stops, I heard music. It was a hallucination, but I decided to write it down. I had been taking aural skills classes so I decided to put it to use. I wrote down what I had heard and then wrote some more. At night, I began to dream in music. I would write it down when I woke up. I'd put all of these musical thoughts together and make compositions of them. When I am writing or playing music everything stops. Even though those moments are filled with music, those are the quietest moments. Those are the moments that taught me to see the beauty in my imperfections. That was the start of learning to live with schizophrenia instead of fighting against it.
There are still days where I struggle. There are days where I can't make complete sentences and struggle to remember my name. I still get impatient with myself. I still self harm. I still do a lot of things, but I am learning to be at peace. I am learning to live with rather than fight against schizophrenia.
I hope that the reader will find something that gives them even just a moment of peace. And in that peace, a moment of self love and patience.
Love, A Schizophrenic
Tuesday, May 14, 2019
Yesterday before work I found myself wondering around the woods near my house. I found small foot trails and signs of wild animals. It looked as if deer had been running along the paths. I thought it was strange that no laws bind them really. They could go where ever they wanted, but they chose to wonder on that path. I wondered if they'd been the ones to make an keep the path similar to a bird who has memorized the way south for the winter. If so, how many generations had kept that path? Was it recognized by scent or sight? Did they only come through at certain times and did they live near there? I'm sure they venture other places too. I'm sure they've seen all kinds of sights and smelled all kinds of plants. I wondered what part of their story does that trail belong to.
I then began to consider myself. What if I lived freely as those animals? What if I wondered, but always came home. What if I experienced many things and have seen many sights? What is stopping me and why am I letting it?
Explore.
Take care of yourelves
Be kind to one another
Be free
Love, A Schizophrenic
I then began to consider myself. What if I lived freely as those animals? What if I wondered, but always came home. What if I experienced many things and have seen many sights? What is stopping me and why am I letting it?
Explore.
Take care of yourelves
Be kind to one another
Be free
Love, A Schizophrenic
New Place
Well, I've been at the new place for a couple weeks now. 0 drama and 2 dogs = so much better than the last place. Its a bit more expensive, but not bad. I got a raise at work, but am getting a promotion and another raise soon so thats dope. I just hope thing will get easier somehow. I feel terrible because I've quit tithing and I've quit giving to people in need. I just seem to barely have enough for the necessities every month. I'm lucky the jeep was an easy fix. It kept freakin out and my dash board lite up. Come to find out, the previous owners hooked the electrical for the towing up improperly to the battery. The thing just needed to be rewired. Problem solved.
I got my letter from Lee. They're gonna give me a chance at grad school. I just have to afford an alto for lessons....and books...and tuition.I have no idea how this is going to work. I wasn't sure from the beginning, but I kept going anyway. I know God will work it out. He always does.
Keep fighting. Take care of yourselves and each other.
Love, A Schizophrenic
I got my letter from Lee. They're gonna give me a chance at grad school. I just have to afford an alto for lessons....and books...and tuition.I have no idea how this is going to work. I wasn't sure from the beginning, but I kept going anyway. I know God will work it out. He always does.
Keep fighting. Take care of yourselves and each other.
Love, A Schizophrenic
Saturday, April 27, 2019
moved out
I moved out and the dramatic roomie didn't seem to happy. The new place is nice and is in the process of being fixed up. It is my 1st night here. It doesn't feel like home yet even though I have got things hung around my room. Its temporary. I'm just tired of feeling alone. I'm so far away from my family, i don't live with people I am super close to. I want a home and maybe even a man to build and share that home with.
Be kind
Love, A Schizophrenic
Be kind
Love, A Schizophrenic
Tuesday, April 16, 2019
Notre Dome Cathedral
My heart really goes out to those in Paris. My heart goes out to all who know what the cathedral means and all it was home to. It represents unbelievable things. The building obviously means a lot to Catholicism and Christianity. It was also where western music began. Leonin and Perotin began polyphony there. The acoustics were great because of the sharp angles. Chori Spezzati techniques along with the massive organ made music fill the air. There was artwork on the walls and sculptures everywhere. The architecture is art its self that can ever be replaced. I do not believe that we can recreate the architecture and it hold the same value as that that had been there for centuries. Those walls have seen more history than almost anything else on earth. It was touching to see the videos of the people gathered singing Ave Maria while standing in the streets watching the beloved building go up in flames. I am saddened that I never got to see it in person. I have several friends that have and they continue to share the pictures. Flames may have taken parts of the building, but it will always be remembered and honored as a sacred place. Thank God that the fire did not spread and consume more than it did. Thank you to the fire fighters and other emergency workers/ clean up crews who are doing everything they can to preserve, contain, and clean.
Pray for one another.
Kyrie Elesin,
Love, a hurting musician
Pray for one another.
Kyrie Elesin,
Love, a hurting musician
Monday, April 15, 2019
roomie drama
So, about a month and a half ago my roommate asked me to move out. She said that they do not know whether or not they are going to renew the lease, but they want me to leave at the end of it. She said it is because I have a negative energy and our personalities clash. Legally, they couldn't actually make me leave. I told my friend, Tim, this and he actually went to her and asked her if she had actually tried to solve any of it. Of course not, and she also didn't want to talk about it. The other housemate said that the girl's MOM....HER MOM..... doesn't think she should be living with me....
This roommate has everyting paid for by her parents. Her rent, her schooling, her books, her gas, her hone, her food, any and all bills are paid for by her parents. Any drama she creates she calls her mom and acts pitiful an her mom actually deals with it. Her mom has called our band director and tried to drag him in on her drama. This girl has unfriended her best friend (she still wants this girl to move in so that she doesn't have to fill more than 2 spots in the house) because SHE made her friend cry. She made her friend cry, didn't know how to deal with it, and refused to talk to her for a month. Everyone knows the friend didn't deserve that.
So NOW everyone else in the house is moving out leaving my roommate ad her mommy to solve the problem and pay for everything themselves because mommy doesn't want her to move because it isn't "safe." THEN she asked me to stay a couple days on an extended lease to help clean.....
ABSOLUTELY NOOOOOOT!!!!!!!!! I will be moved out BEFORE the lease is up. I will clean up after MYSELF since lil miss drama only does what is beneficial to her, I will do the same and let her have a taste of her own medicine. I have been graceful during all of this. But, I've decided to let the last blow be the knock out and call it quits. I'll clean my stuff and give them the money for my last month of utilities, but I aint helping more than that. I AM DONE.
Take care of yourselves when the time is right.
Love, A Scizophrenic
This roommate has everyting paid for by her parents. Her rent, her schooling, her books, her gas, her hone, her food, any and all bills are paid for by her parents. Any drama she creates she calls her mom and acts pitiful an her mom actually deals with it. Her mom has called our band director and tried to drag him in on her drama. This girl has unfriended her best friend (she still wants this girl to move in so that she doesn't have to fill more than 2 spots in the house) because SHE made her friend cry. She made her friend cry, didn't know how to deal with it, and refused to talk to her for a month. Everyone knows the friend didn't deserve that.
So NOW everyone else in the house is moving out leaving my roommate ad her mommy to solve the problem and pay for everything themselves because mommy doesn't want her to move because it isn't "safe." THEN she asked me to stay a couple days on an extended lease to help clean.....
ABSOLUTELY NOOOOOOT!!!!!!!!! I will be moved out BEFORE the lease is up. I will clean up after MYSELF since lil miss drama only does what is beneficial to her, I will do the same and let her have a taste of her own medicine. I have been graceful during all of this. But, I've decided to let the last blow be the knock out and call it quits. I'll clean my stuff and give them the money for my last month of utilities, but I aint helping more than that. I AM DONE.
Take care of yourselves when the time is right.
Love, A Scizophrenic
Saturday, April 13, 2019
ups and downs
Today was a day. I went to a park and walked. I climbed on some rocks and took pictures. Then I went with my friend to the old woolen mill to get some coffee and climb on more things and take more pictures. The adventure ended with dinner with 2 friends and a walk around campus. It was chill. I will probably stay home tomorrow because I need to save my gas and money... because I am going to surprise my dad in NC this weekend! He has like 0 idea. Its gonna be great. My step mom said she's get us a hotel to stay in, but that kinda worries me. Like, what if she decides not to and tells us not to come? What if its on the other side of the mountain and it cost a lot of gas to go back and forth? I only have so much money. I suggested my friend and I just stay in the basement of the church, but she insisted. I didn't want to cost anyone anything. I just wanted to visit.
I worry a lot. How much in life is purely good? Like, have you ever had a bunch of good things happen in a row in your life? Then you brace for impact because everything that goes up must come down. Like....whats finna happen? What is God cushioning the blow from? OR maybe he really is just blessing me. IDK
More things to come.
Also, had a birthday recently. I don't feel as old as I am, and according to others I look a lot younger so thats nice.
Anyway, take care of yourselves and be kind.
Love, A Schizophrenic.
I worry a lot. How much in life is purely good? Like, have you ever had a bunch of good things happen in a row in your life? Then you brace for impact because everything that goes up must come down. Like....whats finna happen? What is God cushioning the blow from? OR maybe he really is just blessing me. IDK
More things to come.
Also, had a birthday recently. I don't feel as old as I am, and according to others I look a lot younger so thats nice.
Anyway, take care of yourselves and be kind.
Love, A Schizophrenic.
Friday, April 12, 2019
Burnt out
I hate going so long without posting. I just get tired from work and want to do absolutely nothing when I get home. Speaking of work, I asked my boss for a raise. He talked to his boss and she agreed to give me one! They also have me studying for a promotion which comes with another raise!
I have managed to find a place to live...as are all of my other housemates. One was already planning on moving, the girl who was going to take my spot decided not to, and the other girl (the one that kicked me out) couldn't find anyone to take the spots. Then, the other housemate decided to find somewhere else. How the tables have turned.
I found a place with some friends who were kind enough to help me put the decals on my JEEP! I named it Indominus Jeep. If you have ever seen Jurassic Park or Jurassic World than you will understand. Since I don't have to have a security deposit for where I am going, I can surprise my dad for Easter weekend. He has 0 idea. My step mom, siblings, best friends, and aunt all know. This is a surprise for him and I can't wait! Its been so long since I've been able to go home for Easter.
I had my audition. It went better than I thought it would, but not as great as I had hoped. I haven't heard anything back yet though.
I have got so burned out on my job, but it looks like things will be a bit different now. I am glad that I have the weekend off this week to recuperate. I only work 4 days next week so that is nice too. I just got to where I was so irritable and moody at work. I'd get upset with others for no reason and I hate when I, like that. They don't deserve that. They are good people. I have to remind myself of that constantly.
We may not realize how important our days of rest are sometimes. Sometimes all you need is a couple consecutive days to raise morale. Maybe Monday will be better.
Take care of yourselves and be kind to each other.
Love, A Schizophrenic
Tuesday, April 2, 2019
better now
I had a bit of a mental break down last week. It was rough and I felt like the whole world was caving in on me. I am doing better now and have been working to make things work. Thanks to a couple friends, I have an apartment to go to after my lease ends in this one. I've also began making money by delivering through door dash. The company that helped finance my jeep has lowered my payments which is REALLY nice! I was brave today and asked my boss what I could do to earn a raise at work. He said he will talk to his boss and see what they can work out, but he also wants to promote me to a trainer which will also help get me a raise.
A friend of mine really helped me when she gave me some money to help find a place to live. I'm pretty sure I'll be able to make the trip back home to NC to surprise my dad for Easter weekend. I also have my audition for my master's this weekend. I've been practicing and praying.
It is okay to have a breakdown. I think it is even okay to stay down and not be okay for a little bit. Then, you get back up and try some more.
Take care of yourselves.
Love, A Schizophrenic
A friend of mine really helped me when she gave me some money to help find a place to live. I'm pretty sure I'll be able to make the trip back home to NC to surprise my dad for Easter weekend. I also have my audition for my master's this weekend. I've been practicing and praying.
It is okay to have a breakdown. I think it is even okay to stay down and not be okay for a little bit. Then, you get back up and try some more.
Take care of yourselves.
Love, A Schizophrenic
Wednesday, March 27, 2019
You'll never be anything
If there is anything the past month has taught me, it is that I am an idiot. I am so stupid to ever thing that anything would ever work out for me. Why didn't I listen? Because I AM FUCKING RETARDED! I always mess everything up and am sooooo stupid!
I forced God's hand when I bought the jeep. Now it needs work and I can't afford it. I fooled myself into thinking that because I prayed over this not so smart thing, that it would be okay. I convinced myself that because I prayed for God to be in it that it would be okay. I prayed and blessed the house I am living in and my roommates and how I have to leave. I was so stupid to think that good things could ever go be for me. I forced God's hand in going to college and in graduating. I got the degree I shouldn't have got and did I use it? NO! Because I thought there was something better out there for me. Why? Because I am an idiot! I should have just settled to teach. I would have been unhappy, but at least I could afford a place to live, but nooooooo! I just had to think I could do something amazing and earn a masters. I probably won't even get accepted. BECAUSE I AM AN IDIOT!!!!! I should have killed myself a looooong time ago..oh wait! I tried! But guess what? I failed because I am so stupid!
Having a decent and affordable place to live is too much for me. Why would I ever think something like that could ever happen to me? Why would I ever think that I could be able to afford to do laundry or pay my own bills? Why did I ever think I'd have a nice car and everything would be okay? Why did I think people wanted to be my friend? Because I am an idiot!
What ever
A Schizophrenic
I forced God's hand when I bought the jeep. Now it needs work and I can't afford it. I fooled myself into thinking that because I prayed over this not so smart thing, that it would be okay. I convinced myself that because I prayed for God to be in it that it would be okay. I prayed and blessed the house I am living in and my roommates and how I have to leave. I was so stupid to think that good things could ever go be for me. I forced God's hand in going to college and in graduating. I got the degree I shouldn't have got and did I use it? NO! Because I thought there was something better out there for me. Why? Because I am an idiot! I should have just settled to teach. I would have been unhappy, but at least I could afford a place to live, but nooooooo! I just had to think I could do something amazing and earn a masters. I probably won't even get accepted. BECAUSE I AM AN IDIOT!!!!! I should have killed myself a looooong time ago..oh wait! I tried! But guess what? I failed because I am so stupid!
Having a decent and affordable place to live is too much for me. Why would I ever think something like that could ever happen to me? Why would I ever think that I could be able to afford to do laundry or pay my own bills? Why did I ever think I'd have a nice car and everything would be okay? Why did I think people wanted to be my friend? Because I am an idiot!
What ever
A Schizophrenic
Friday, March 15, 2019
Independence is weird
I haven't posted anything in a couple weeks. To catch up, I finally got contracted through VIPKID. I haven't taught a class yet, but I will get there. My hours have picked back up at work which is great because..........
..........
.........
........
I BOUGHT A JEEP WRANGLER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It was a total God thing in so many ways. He provided financially and just had perfect timing with things. He answered prayers in multiple ways and I cannot thank him enough. Now, if I need to go some where I can. I have to remind myself I do not need to ask for a ride. I can go when ever I want. It feels kinda weird.
The bad news, my roomie told me I have negative energy and wants me to move out at the end of the lease....which her name isn't even on. Something about her parents don't think I'm healthy to live with. She refuses to talk about it. The other roommate is too much of a follower to say anything. When I asked them what it was I had done, she 1 just said "You have a negative energy. I have to do whats best for me." I really could say a lot about her, but I don't want to be that person right now. All I know is she really can't make me move. Thats the landlord's decision. Not hers. I'm trying to be civil, but another friend asked how much the roommate has done to fix the problem. They, once again, refused to talk about it. What ever.
Take care of yourselves and help each other. Learn from one another, fix problems, and build each other up.
Love, A Schizophrenic
..........
.........
........
I BOUGHT A JEEP WRANGLER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It was a total God thing in so many ways. He provided financially and just had perfect timing with things. He answered prayers in multiple ways and I cannot thank him enough. Now, if I need to go some where I can. I have to remind myself I do not need to ask for a ride. I can go when ever I want. It feels kinda weird.
The bad news, my roomie told me I have negative energy and wants me to move out at the end of the lease....which her name isn't even on. Something about her parents don't think I'm healthy to live with. She refuses to talk about it. The other roommate is too much of a follower to say anything. When I asked them what it was I had done, she 1 just said "You have a negative energy. I have to do whats best for me." I really could say a lot about her, but I don't want to be that person right now. All I know is she really can't make me move. Thats the landlord's decision. Not hers. I'm trying to be civil, but another friend asked how much the roommate has done to fix the problem. They, once again, refused to talk about it. What ever.
Take care of yourselves and help each other. Learn from one another, fix problems, and build each other up.
Love, A Schizophrenic
Sunday, March 3, 2019
What hollywood doesn't tell you
I was diagnosed with schizophrenia at age 17. Before that and since then I have had more psych ward stays than I can count. Each stay is terrifying for its own reason.
The first few are obviously frightening because it is something new and at this point you probably still don't believe that anything is wrong with you. You go to the ER. They check you in and get a psych consult from an on call doctor making rounds to 4 or 5 other counties before getting to you. Once that's over they either send you home or find a room for you somewhere. The next part of the process was a little different for me in some ways the 1st time I was admitted because I was a minor at the time. Once they find a bed( this may take weeks) you get a room. They run you through their security. No jewelry, shoe laces, underwire bras, shorts with drawstrings, and no electronic devices. Once your in you get a nice set of paper scrubs to last you until whoever can bring you clothes and hygiene items.
While you're there they walk you around and show you everything. They explain all the rules. Yes, padded rooms exist and Thorazine is still a thing. I would know. You are taken to your room and shown where you can put you things. Sometimes you have your own room and other times you do not. They give you a copy of the daily schedule and your doctors' names. You do one on one therapy and see a psychiatrist. The wards also have social workers come in especially if you are a minor. There is usually at least 1 phone and multiple opportunities to use it throughout the day. Televisions, books,and games are commonly available as well.
Okay.....why am I telling you all this? Many people refuse to get help because they're afraid they will get carted of and locked away forever. That isn't how things work. Most of these places keep you no longer than a couple weeks, but more are out in a week or less. State mental institutions are different stories that I can write about later. I know all of this sounds terrifying, but understand these places are there to help you! I was to afraid to sleep the 1st time I was in a youth ward. I was experiencing hallucinations....bad ones. The doctor told me to write down anytime a voice told me to hurt someone or myself. I told him that I cannot write that fast. He helped me come up with ways to deal with it until the medication took affect. I went to lie back down. A couple hours later I was hearing things coming from my bathroom and seeing things. I thought someone was hiding in my shower. I quickly got up and walked out the door. I made my way to the nurses station. They asked me what was wrong and I told them that someone was in my room. The security guard immediately went to check it out while the nurse gave me water and some crackers. They legitimately wanted to help me. I've had other incidents as well in adult wards.
I write all of this to tell you that you don't need to be afraid to get help. I wish I had someone to walk me through the process when it first happened to me. It is a long process, but usually a helpful one. If you think you or someone you know needs help do not be afraid of being "locked away." Most places genuinely want to help you.
Take care of your selves and each other.
Love, A Schizophrenic
The first few are obviously frightening because it is something new and at this point you probably still don't believe that anything is wrong with you. You go to the ER. They check you in and get a psych consult from an on call doctor making rounds to 4 or 5 other counties before getting to you. Once that's over they either send you home or find a room for you somewhere. The next part of the process was a little different for me in some ways the 1st time I was admitted because I was a minor at the time. Once they find a bed( this may take weeks) you get a room. They run you through their security. No jewelry, shoe laces, underwire bras, shorts with drawstrings, and no electronic devices. Once your in you get a nice set of paper scrubs to last you until whoever can bring you clothes and hygiene items.
While you're there they walk you around and show you everything. They explain all the rules. Yes, padded rooms exist and Thorazine is still a thing. I would know. You are taken to your room and shown where you can put you things. Sometimes you have your own room and other times you do not. They give you a copy of the daily schedule and your doctors' names. You do one on one therapy and see a psychiatrist. The wards also have social workers come in especially if you are a minor. There is usually at least 1 phone and multiple opportunities to use it throughout the day. Televisions, books,and games are commonly available as well.
Okay.....why am I telling you all this? Many people refuse to get help because they're afraid they will get carted of and locked away forever. That isn't how things work. Most of these places keep you no longer than a couple weeks, but more are out in a week or less. State mental institutions are different stories that I can write about later. I know all of this sounds terrifying, but understand these places are there to help you! I was to afraid to sleep the 1st time I was in a youth ward. I was experiencing hallucinations....bad ones. The doctor told me to write down anytime a voice told me to hurt someone or myself. I told him that I cannot write that fast. He helped me come up with ways to deal with it until the medication took affect. I went to lie back down. A couple hours later I was hearing things coming from my bathroom and seeing things. I thought someone was hiding in my shower. I quickly got up and walked out the door. I made my way to the nurses station. They asked me what was wrong and I told them that someone was in my room. The security guard immediately went to check it out while the nurse gave me water and some crackers. They legitimately wanted to help me. I've had other incidents as well in adult wards.
I write all of this to tell you that you don't need to be afraid to get help. I wish I had someone to walk me through the process when it first happened to me. It is a long process, but usually a helpful one. If you think you or someone you know needs help do not be afraid of being "locked away." Most places genuinely want to help you.
Take care of your selves and each other.
Love, A Schizophrenic
Sunday, February 24, 2019
They aren't gonna lock you away
Many of us know people who are afraid to get help with their mental health. It was frightening for me at 1st too. I've recently had several conversations with multiple people regarding their fears of visiting a psychologist. Many are afraid that they will be carted off and locked away. They think that they are so beyond help that someone would rather throw them in a pit than speak to them an hour a week.This cannot be further from the truth. I wanted to shed some light on the process and hopefully settle some fears for a few folks. Let me tell you about my experience with getting help the 1st time.
I was about 12 years old. Some rough things had happened in my family and a friend of my brother had try o do things to me that no one should do to a child...or anyone else for that matter. My father did the best he knew to do. Over the next couple weeks he started taking me to see a therapist. I've seen a therapist pretty much every week since then. I've had different ones because my family moved around quite a bit. Never have any of them told me I was too gone to help. Usually on the first day, you do some simple intake forms. These forms have basic questions that help the psychologist learn more about you so they can help more. The forms ask questions about your mood, any diagnosis you may have, and about your thoughts of yourself. Then you go and speak to your psychiatrist. If you are a minor, they may speak with you and your guardian or just your guardian 1st. After a couple weeks the "get to know you" stuff is pretty much out of the way and you are really able to start talking more by then. Your psychiatrist will help you figure out ways to cope with things. Self harm is a big thing I struggle with and it took a long time for my psychologist and I to figure out strategies. Several times I walked into the office with slices and bruises up my arms. My therapist never once "locked me away." She did ask me if I needed to go to a hospital and when I said "no" she asked me to sign a paper promising I wouldn't harm myself any worse within the next week. There were times when I broke down and said "yes." My therapist said "okay" then called the front desk to have them escort my father to the room. From there we were able to work out a way for me to get more help. I have had more than my fair share of time in psych wards as well. A friend of my recently attempted to "run away" because they found out their family was considering taking them to a hospital to get help.
For many of us, that is how the story starts. One day you think everyone around you has lost their minds and the next day you find yourself wearing non slip socks and talking in group therapy. Some people ask me if the wards really are like the movies. That's an understandable question. How is one to know if they've never been? I begin by explaining there are a few different types of wards. There are youth psych wards for people under the age of 18. I've been to several of them. 1st, there is a physical exam. They mark down every scar, bruise, burn, and scratch. They take your shoes (you can strangle yourself with the laces.) Some make you remove the underwire of your bra. You can do some deep stabbing with those things. You remove all piercings and jewelry and even the draw string of your pjs. All these things are placed in a bag for you that you get back at the end of your stay. Your days are scheduled out on a white board in a common room. Breakfast is usually around 7 or 8 am followed by medicine time. There is usually free time after that. Most people use this time to shower or get dressed. Normal day clothes are usually allowed. You have to check out a razor to shave and return later. Then there is some form of group time. Some places would also have school time and teachers would come in to help. Most places like this have lost funding and are being shut down. You may have a snack time later followed by more medicine time. There are puzzles, books, a tv, and sometimes video games or something to keep people occupied. Some places do outside time. You have to o through security to get in or out so its more of a hassle than its worth sometimes. There are adult wards too. These both usually have patients stay for no more than a week on a voluntary bases. When you leave they help you find a psychiatrist.
Then there are the long term hospitals. If you're from NC like I am then you may have heard of Broughton State Mental Institution. These are more long term places, but the basic idea is the same. Doctors usually do want to help.
Take are of yourselves. Get help if you need it.
Love, A Schizophenic
I was about 12 years old. Some rough things had happened in my family and a friend of my brother had try o do things to me that no one should do to a child...or anyone else for that matter. My father did the best he knew to do. Over the next couple weeks he started taking me to see a therapist. I've seen a therapist pretty much every week since then. I've had different ones because my family moved around quite a bit. Never have any of them told me I was too gone to help. Usually on the first day, you do some simple intake forms. These forms have basic questions that help the psychologist learn more about you so they can help more. The forms ask questions about your mood, any diagnosis you may have, and about your thoughts of yourself. Then you go and speak to your psychiatrist. If you are a minor, they may speak with you and your guardian or just your guardian 1st. After a couple weeks the "get to know you" stuff is pretty much out of the way and you are really able to start talking more by then. Your psychiatrist will help you figure out ways to cope with things. Self harm is a big thing I struggle with and it took a long time for my psychologist and I to figure out strategies. Several times I walked into the office with slices and bruises up my arms. My therapist never once "locked me away." She did ask me if I needed to go to a hospital and when I said "no" she asked me to sign a paper promising I wouldn't harm myself any worse within the next week. There were times when I broke down and said "yes." My therapist said "okay" then called the front desk to have them escort my father to the room. From there we were able to work out a way for me to get more help. I have had more than my fair share of time in psych wards as well. A friend of my recently attempted to "run away" because they found out their family was considering taking them to a hospital to get help.
For many of us, that is how the story starts. One day you think everyone around you has lost their minds and the next day you find yourself wearing non slip socks and talking in group therapy. Some people ask me if the wards really are like the movies. That's an understandable question. How is one to know if they've never been? I begin by explaining there are a few different types of wards. There are youth psych wards for people under the age of 18. I've been to several of them. 1st, there is a physical exam. They mark down every scar, bruise, burn, and scratch. They take your shoes (you can strangle yourself with the laces.) Some make you remove the underwire of your bra. You can do some deep stabbing with those things. You remove all piercings and jewelry and even the draw string of your pjs. All these things are placed in a bag for you that you get back at the end of your stay. Your days are scheduled out on a white board in a common room. Breakfast is usually around 7 or 8 am followed by medicine time. There is usually free time after that. Most people use this time to shower or get dressed. Normal day clothes are usually allowed. You have to check out a razor to shave and return later. Then there is some form of group time. Some places would also have school time and teachers would come in to help. Most places like this have lost funding and are being shut down. You may have a snack time later followed by more medicine time. There are puzzles, books, a tv, and sometimes video games or something to keep people occupied. Some places do outside time. You have to o through security to get in or out so its more of a hassle than its worth sometimes. There are adult wards too. These both usually have patients stay for no more than a week on a voluntary bases. When you leave they help you find a psychiatrist.
Then there are the long term hospitals. If you're from NC like I am then you may have heard of Broughton State Mental Institution. These are more long term places, but the basic idea is the same. Doctors usually do want to help.
Take are of yourselves. Get help if you need it.
Love, A Schizophenic
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