Sent this to The Mighty

Last week, I visited a church with some friends. It was a small church and the people were kind and welcoming. The pastors spoke on the topic of God's gifts. Today I went back to that church. They began their service how many churches do, with worship. The worship seemed great and genuine, but then the pastor started speaking.
She spoke of living a full life in God, reviewed last weeks points, and carried on with her sermon. She began speaking of things in life that cause us to struggle. She called them "spirits." Spirits of lazyness and addiction were mentioned. She also said "spirits of depression and schizophrenia." Now, I do believe in God, angels, and demons. I also believe in illnesses and disorders.
I went to the pastor after the service to ask for clarification of that part of her sermon. She talked about all of these neurologist who are preachers and they preach the same thing she did.  She said that she had been delivered from depression (which I do believe can happen) and that she has family members with mental illnesses. This got under my skin a bit because an illness usually means someone is sick. Sickness usually goes away. Schizophrenia is a disorder. It doesn't leave. It is chronic and usually gets worse with time. It is a disorder. A Schizophrenic brain just functions differently...that is why it is called a disorder.
She continued to say that her schizophrenic niece got worse with medication because she "has a demon." She went on to explain that its either demonic possession or oppression. I explained to her that people have tried to perform exocisms on me before, but they didn't work simply because I'm not possessed. Her response was "well, if you get someone to do it who knows what they are doing it will work."
Naturally, I left. Who wants to stay in a place where people think they're possessed because of a brain disorder. As I am walking to the car my friend catches up with me. Here's the kicker. This friend once locked me in our dorm room to try to exercise a demon off or out of me so naturally she sided with the pastor. I ended up walking home in disbelief at what I'd just heard.
The pastor tried telling me that mental "illness" takes away joy. Joy cannot be taken by the physical. Joy is in God and therefore eternal. I can be unhappy and Schizophrenic and still have joy. She tried telling me that Joy is so fickle that it can be effected by serotonin and dopamine and that those things can stop a relationship with God. Yes, those things alter mood and perception. Embalances in chemicals cause mental disorders not broken relationships with God. I know of pastors who take antidepressants and antipsychs...and guess what? They're still Christians.
I wanted to tell this because so many in the church are silent of disorders like schizophrenia because they do not want others to say these things of them. Some people have been ran out of churches because of people believing thise things. Trust me, I am not going back to that church. Some people say it is best to just keep quiet about it, but how can things change if no one speaks up? How can we educate the so called educated, as this woman claimed to be, and how can we help others if no one says anything?
Love, A Schizophrenic

Demons and schizophrenia

I was going to finish writing about the awkward friend drama from this past semester, but something just happened that I want to address.
First , Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior. I have accepted Jesus into my heart. Second, I was diagnosed at the age of 17 with disorganized schizophrenia.
So here is what just happened:
I went to a church with my friend, Hannah. The church seemed great the 1st time I went last wednesday. They were all kind, welcoming, and obviously wanted people to be there. I told Hannah that I would love to go back.
Today, I went with her and her husband and another 1 of our friends. The worship was great. I tend to be a more quiet worshipper so while everyone else was dancing or raising hands while standing at the alter, I remained standing in front of my seat praising God. It was a longer worship service because The Holy Spirit showed up and began to move on people through out the service. Then, as things calmed a bit, one of the pastors began to speak. She lead through a prayer and into more worship for a few more minutes.
After the worship she began speaking about the promises and gifts from God. She started talking about generational curses being a foot hold for satan and his demons. So far, it all makes since. If a person has a weakness of drug addiction than they will probably be more tempted to use drugs when something happens. Then, she mentions mental illness. She said "depression and schizophrenia." Then began talking of demons causing those things.
I went to her after the service and asked to clarify what she meant. She was kind and not preachy. To clarify she did state that I'm still welcome at the church and she won't judge. This blog post is NOT to rip on her or that church. Through a rather 1 sided discussion, she basically stated that schizophrenia and mental disorders are demons and that medication destroys people. She gave personal experiences as proof for her opinion saying that she had been delivered from "a spirit of depression." She even talked about joy as if it were mere happiness. Joy is from God and is eternal because it is a characteristic of God. I can be sad and still have Joy. Happiness and sadness die on this earth. Joy is in God and therefore is eternal. It is not related to gray matter, serotonin or dopamine.
I left and walk home. As I was in the parking lot, Hannah caught up to me. Hannah seems to think I am being "demon oppressed." I told her I'm not mad at her. I just don't want to go to a church where people think I'm covered in demons.
I cannot believe that it is almost 2019 and there are still people out there that think mental illnesses are caused by demons. Mental disorder are just that. We don't tell the person with cancer or chrone's disease that they have demons so why would we say that to a persons whose brain (the brain is an organ) is simply working differently?
This message IS NOT TO THE CHURCH. This is for those of you that have been told the same thing and for those who think all Christians are so ignorant. I am here to tell you, yes demons exist but they aren't always the cause of these things. I'm.also writing this to tell you that not every Christian is going to tell you that you have demons. If you can pray and confess Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior you are not demons possessed and probably not even oppressed. Christians and non believers out there with mental disorders, keep praying. God may heal you on Earth, but he may heal you after you leave it too. Please don't let someones ignorance push you away from God. Hold your head high and keep fighting your battle.
If you are someone who agrees with that pastor's opinion, please educate yourself before you start trying to exercise demons out of people. Also, don't be confused in none come out. Its probably just someone with a mental DISORDER whose brain WORKS DIFFERENTLY. Some medication may help and other won't, but keep praying.
Love, A God worshipping, Prayer speaking, Jesus loving, JOYFUL, medicated, Schizophrenic.

Friend group drama

To sum everything up Zeph has a back and foot fetish AND has a crush on me, Jon won't get off of me and keeps following me now too, and Drae still has his gf freaking out every 3 seconds. I'm still a bit peeved that everyone in the group new zeph secretly liked me, but no one would tell me. I did get some of that anger out when Drae brought out the boxing gloves. I literally beat the crap out of Jon and Zeph laughed because Jon had to shower and change clothes.
Now, video game night #2 happens. The night before, Jon had been whining about some chick he liked but was too much a weiner to tell her. So everyone is like, just tell her. He kept whining like "How do I know if she likes me?" I said that I didn't know because I'm usually bold enough to ask the guy myself. Things got super quiet. Luckily the tacos were done and we all chowed down while playing games. The usual happened. Zeph whined and followed me eveeywhere. Jon was a bitch and kept laying on me and I kept telling him to stop.
A few days later Jon invited me to dinner at steak n shake. We were laughing and talking and things were great. Then he got super quiet and said "I'm just gonna do it." I just sat there connecting all the dots. "Do you wanna go out with me?" Jon asked.
I didn't know what to do. Part of me knew it wouldn't work and part of me felt bad for the kid. Anyway, I broke up with him like 3 days later because it was just awkward.
Zeph also asked a girl out that night. She told him yes. When he found out I broke up with Jon after what Jon said was a week (was only 3 days) Zephry came to me laughing. You all have to understand. There is an all out pranking brawl happening during all of this. Naturally, Zeph assumes I dated Jon as a prank. To shut that idea down, I gave him a list of all the reasons that relationship wouldn't work. This left Zeph to do some digging of his own.
The next day Drae and Jon tell me the Laspenis went into Jon's room and dug around his stuff. Zeph later tells me what he found. He said he found a book of spells and demonology. He accused Jon of witchcraft. Things go so bad with that and the prank war that Zeph moved out of their apartment and into another.
All was well until about the last week of classes. I'll explain that hopefully tomorrow and get caught up with where things are now.
Don't date people because you feel bad for them and don't be afraid to break things off if you're uncomfortable or unhappy.
Love, A Schizophrenic

Zeph and Jon

So basically both Zeph and Jon were acting really odd around me. Everyone else in the friend group knew why, but would not tell me.
We all sit down with pizza and watch the movie. Drae is still dealing with his girl who always seems to be freaking out. I manage to sit next to Maggie on the couch. Its 1 of those wrap around couches and we're near the edge. BOTH Jon and Zeph sit to my left with the excuse of "we want to be near the pizza." Jon keeps laying back on me so I got up and moved to Maggie's right. A few minutes later I go get more pizza. I sit down and Zeph follows to sit next to me. Drae finally joins us and thank God he fits between me and Zephry.
After the movie we all go home and Maggie comes to visit at my apartment. She was getting ready to move in in a month so she brought a few things with her. As she is unpacking, I finally manage to squeeze some of the truth out of her. "Zeph didn't want me to tell you, but he's liked you for a while now. At least a couple months." Maggie said. I was kinda mad because she knew something that involved me, but didn't think I had a right to know. "He said you have a nice...back." She explained.
"What? He has a back fetish?" I asked and she confirmed.
It was freaky. I knew he was a little creepy, but geez.
The next day Jon invited me for a video game night at their place. Btw, Jon, Drae, and Zeph all lived together at this point.
I got over and we chow down on burgers and chips while playing fortnite. Jon keeps layin on me and I have to tell him to stop. Drae kept telling him to stop too because he was being a creep. To clarify, I always thought of these guys a my brothers.
Zeph texts Drae and says he is almost home. Jon freaks out saying I need to put my shoes on...because not only does the Laspenis have a back fetish, but he also has a foot fetish!
Too much grody to be true. I wanted to see if they were right so as Zeph walks in I prop my bare feet up on the table. He immediately looks at them.
"Foot fetish?" I ask.
"You told her!?" He yells at Jon.
"Bruh, you're licking your lips and starring at my feet. No one had to say anything ya weirdo." I said to him.
He tried explaining it wasnt a fetish, but I dared him to lick my feet. He almost did until I told him it wasn't free. I said that because I was freaked and didn't believe he actually did have a fetish. Luckily for me he was broke. I made sure to keep shoes on and a backpack near by when I was around him after that. More on this odd story to come.
Love, A Schizophrenic

The day after

I recently restarted "blogging" again. It has been since summer that I really posted much, but I picked it up again Christmas Eve. I try to write when I'm healthy and not busy.
To catch up, I FINALLY graduated from my undergrad. I will begin a masters in the fall. This degree for music performance.
There has been some drama these past few months thats been eating away at me. I try to avoid it, but.....roommates...friends....college
A friend of mine, Maggie, was quite the entertainer these past months. She lived off campus and had several parties at her place. Some of which I went to. One in particular is when everything really started.
It was still summer and we had just gone swimming at a friend's boss's place. I noticed this guy that was there getting aaaaaall up on me in the pool...to be fair we were playing dog pile. Being a rugger, I found my self lifting guys and throwing them before they could jump on me. It was funny. They expected me to be a flower because im a girl... Anyway, this guy, Zephry, got to where he wouldn't try to tackle anyone but me. He began following me even if I didn't have the ball. At 1 point I even got out of the pool and he followed while everyone stayed in. To clarify, Zephry wasn't being hateful...just clingy. I grabbed my phone and went to the bathroom in the bath house. Luckily, he got the hint and didn't follow. I went ahead and showered off and changed into dry clothes. When I got out Zephry was talking rather intensely to another guy named Jon who had also been playing in the pool. They both glanced at me as I walked by to Maggie and Drae as they got out of the hot tub. "Party at my place? We can order pizza." Maggie asked. Sounded good to me. Everyone else got changed as I went inside to hair dry my locks.
Drae drove us all to Maggie's. Somehow along the way Zeph and I started picking at each other. I was in the front passenger seat so I couldn't see his face, but apparently he got upset. Soon he threatened to fight me. I never back down from a fight. Drae didn't stop the car so there was no fight.
When we got back to Maggies, she ordered the pizzas while Jon and Zeph went to buy drinks. "What was his problem in the car?" I asked Drae about Zeph...who we also called Laspenis for certain reasons. "Ah, don't worry about him. He's a baby sometimes. Probably upset with Jon and took it out on you."
"Then why'd the go to the store together?"
"I don't know. They've been weird lately."
Before I could ask Drae what he meant, his phone rang. "It's Amber." He walked away to speak to his gf on the phone.
I handed Maggie a few bucks for pizza when she came back in. "Do you know whats up with Jon and the Laspenis?" I asked her.
"I know some, but am not at leisure to say."
I was kinda pissed that everyone was keeping me in the dark. I'm a part of this friend group too, but I didn't want to be too forceful.
When the drinks got back, we all plopped on the couch and found a movie to watch. I tried to sit next to Drae because we make funny comments to each other during movies, but Amber called again. I ended up being sandwiched next to Jon and Zeph. The pizzas got there about 10 minutes after we started the movie. Jon slouched over with his head on my shoulder exclaiming, "I don't wanna get up! Candacè will you bring me some pizza?"
"Nah bitch. Get up off me." I stood up and walked into the kitchen. The Laspenis was freaking out because the pizza guy didn't bring forks....for pizza.
So nothing super juicy yet. I'll finish telling about this hopefully tomorrow.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas to everyone.

That time again

Today was the 1st time in a long time I've caved and thought about suicide. Think about it. Now? It'd be days before anyone noticed.
I'm not important enough for anyone to invite over. I have nothing much to offer and don't even have a car. People don't care enough to use 5 bucks on me or enough to make a last minute extra spot at their table. I try asking people, but the shut me up by explaining their plans. This isnt a Christmas thing. I've brushed it off too long now. This is an all the time thing. I had to beg people into hanging out with me on my birthday. What have I done so bad that my friends don't want to be near me? Am I too much? Too loud? Too weird? Too annoying? Too poor? Do I smell bad? Am I too ugly? Unimportant? Am I really that bad of a person? Someone please tell me because I am tired of being so lonely, over looked, and forgotten, all the time. Really, I'll change whatever it is and I'm sorry if its something I chose? I'm too pathetic. I had dreams of being somebody one day and I've fought to make those dreams a reality. Today I realized that I am further from that dream than when I began. No one will notice and no one will care.

The Schizophrenia Collection

I've been learning to paint for about a year.or 2 now. The time has come for me to do some projects. While I do not have to the patience nor the concentration to do large works yet, I can do several small ones.
I have decided to paint my hallucinations, emotions, and thoughts.

This is Mary. I've talked about her before. I see her often and she is the main source of my command hallucinations.

 This is not anyone in particular. This hallucination happens when I look at people. Sometimes the split in half and move around. When this happens thwir lips curl weird and their face droops.

 This is a frog man. I see multiple frog people. They come in hundreds and are all different sizes. They crawl on the walls and the ceiling. I am terrified of them.

 This is Used To Be. She is called that because she "used to be a lady" as she says. She doesnt actually speak. She.communicates with me telepathically. She looked like a lady, but changed everytime I saw her. Now she looks like this. She gurgles a lot. She scratches walls and crawls through cracks. She is almost like a puppy because she follows me around. I used to be afraid of her, but she is kinda cool.

This represents darkness over coming beauty. I did a butterfly, but my friends say they see different things. Some see a lake or a city. One even saw a couple hugging.

I have more, but will post them at other times.

Self harm

This topic is tough to talk about because it is different for everyone. Everyone has different reasons and different means of self harm. Some people have a different purpose for it than others too. I am going to talk to the people who do not self harm. Here are some things you need to know.

So you all know, I self harm. Sometimes every day or multiple times a day. I do not recommend it and I acknowledge that it is unhealthy. Mine is inflicted for various reasons. Sometimes command hallucinations or other times an urge. Today my reason was pent up aggression and anger. I did not know what to do with all of that emotion inside. There were other things that went into it, but that was the biggest.

Some people self harm because they want to see their pain. They want to see their emotional pain. It makes it "more real."

Some do it because they honestly think they deserve it. They think they deserve to choke or be beaten or bleed. 

Some do it because hallucinations that are way more real than you'll ever know. 

Others do it to calm down.

Some will do it for attention or to see what it is like. 

The list could.go on for days.

Most people are not going to be honest or up front about their self harm. I have got to where I just tell people the truth when they ask about the cuts on my arms. They never really know how to respond. That and the fact that people dont want to be called crazy will keep people who self harm from telling the truth. 

What to do about it?

Do not treat the person like a child, unless they are and are your child. Do not belittle them or embarrass them. Talk to them. Get them to talk back. Listen, do not respond or interrupt. Let them keep talking. Get them help. Don't you dare not take it seriously. Get them help. Do not overreact. Stay calm, but help them.

Love, A Schizophrenic

Housemates

One of my favorite things to do after work it to come home, shower, not wear a shirt over my bra, and eat while watching netflix. My house mates and I have this rule that we always text the group when we're having people over ESPECIALLY OF THE OPPOSITE GENDER. Even if it is only for a few seconds. It is the respectful thing to do when you live with others. Common sense.
Well today my roommate "forgot to send the text." She does this almost every time her guy friend comes over. Anyway, I hear her coming up the porch steps and I hear his voice. Here I am shirtless with no warning. I go to the kitchen to grab my stuff and set out food to thaw because I have 0 idea how long they were gonna be here. Before I can run out and get upstairs, in walks her and her boy toy. I say quickly "Don't come in! I don't have on a shirt!" Too late. I scream as I make my way up the stairs "This is why we fucking text our roomates!" I put on a shirt and come back down. They're still here. I go to get my stuff and said "Jesus Fucking Christ. God damn it. I do not want to be near people that just saw me how I don't want people to see me."
They leave after a few minutes. I was pissed and embarrassed. She texted me apologizing and explaining that she "forgot." Then she says that I had no excuse to use that kind of language and that'd she has been meaning to talk to me about my language. We are both Christians and she is well aware that cursing is something I struggle with. I have even explained to her why and that it is something I am working on. I told her that I love her, but I am not okay with her trying to turn blame on me. Sure, if I do something that is bothering her she can tell me. However, this was poor timing and there is no way it wasn't on purpose. My language must have made her man friend blush.
She was like "you know me better than that. I would never try and blame you." Like week before last she totally tried blaming me for her car battery dying. She tries blaming her job on why she can't pay her portion of the bills. She owes me like 60 something dollars for utilities. I have to remind her and our other house mate to clean up after themselves. Like there is all kinds of stuff I could have brought up too, but I didn't because that WAS NOT THE POINT!
I love her to death, but I needed to vent.
People, respect your housemates.
Love,
A Schizophrenic

Summer dreams are juat that

I had so many plans this summer. I was going to get a used car and celebrate by going to New Orleans. I was going to do things and hang out with friends. Those things will stay just dreams though. Do try and make time for the people you love! It is free to hang out with someone.
Love, A Schizophrenic

The rest

Picking up where I left off the other day. So everyone knows, Starja has found some family to go to for now. She is safe.
Basically what had happened was this man, Kennedy, used her to move drugs. She never sold them, she just placed them. He had many houses throughout Texas that he cycled between for hide outs. He also started using her for sex and other things. Through some long drawn out series of events, she got tired of it. The issue is that you can't just quit stuff like that. Her and I had figured that out years ago when we got into some things. She had secretely been trying to leave. When Kennedy found out things got extremely dangerous. She left without saying a word to anyone. She said that she called in an anon. tip after leaving TX. That is when she drove to me. She stayed for a bit and has left. With her permission I blogged about the events and only gave info she approved of. Some things have been changed for safety reasons. Starja is now safe and happy.
Be careful what you get into and support your friends.
Love, A Schizophrenic

Where did I leave off?

Before I finish telling the story, yes it is 100% true. Now where did I leave off last night?
"One morning a couple weeks later, I went out for my morning jog/sprint combo as usual. There was a note attached to a box by my door when I returned." Starja continued.
"It was not stamped and did not have a return address. I took it inside, sat it on the counter, listened for ticking, and starred at it. I started thinking about all that Kennedy had said to me. 30 minutes went by and I could not take it anymore. I opened the box."
So far, I was shocked by the situation. I'd heard of these things happening before, but I was surprised that Starja took part in them.
"It was a letter and a small bag of cocaine. The letter said..."
"What? You got involved with a drug dealer?" I asked
"Yes....and no. The letter said to take this to the South St Market."
South St. Market is a place we'd go window shopping. It was a strip mall near downtown that had all of these fancy things we could only dream of ever being able to afford.
"It said "327b. By the trash." So that is where I took it. I pass by there every day on my way to work. I never would have guessed some rich bastard was using drugs."
Starja began to get this guilty look. Like she knew she did something wrong, but also like she had a good reason.
"Star....we said we wouldn't mess with that shit anymore. What..."
"I know, but please listen to me." She was almost pleading.
"I am. It is just a bit to take in. Go on though."
"I dropped it exactly where it said. 15 minutes later, I got a call. It was Kennedy and all he said was 'You're in." Starja sat and starred for a moment. "I got home and found a small envelope where I found the box. It contained an address too. It told me to show up at 9 pm. It was this big house in the middle of no where out by Chambers Lane. When I got there I saw Kennedy. He took me and several others in these SUVs way back on his property to a barn type deal. Inside was insane. MJ plants everywhere with all kinds of lights and pipes. There were maps of the counties and weapons. So many guns and knives."
For the 1st time since moving here, I became afraid. What had Star done and was someone after her? This long story will continue.
It is important to be there for your friends, y'all. Life as a schizophrenic is tough, but other peoe face difficulties too. Be there for them.
Love, A Schizophrenic

An old friend called today. She said that she needed some help and would pick me up in 15 minutes. Confused as to why she was anywhere near where I live now, I text her the address so she could gps. I got in her car 13 minutes later. I was happy to see her, but what help did she need and why did she not tell me she was in my state and when did she get a new car?
As soon as she opened her mouth all of my questions began to be answered. Starja began with "I met this guy." I thought I knew where this was going, but the more she spoke the stranger it got. "His name is Kennedy. We met at a bar and he said he could help me make money." I asked her if that is how she got the new car. She just sat in silence for a second before driving to the main road. "What I am about to tell you is...complicated." Starja was obviously shaken up. I noticed the bags under her eyes and all the empty water bottles in her back seat. Had she driven all night and day to get here? Why was she so afraid?
"Where is this guy?" I asked her.
"Last I saw, in Texas still. He'll figure it out soon..enough." She said.
"Figure what out?" I stared at her.
"That I'm gone....for good this time." Starja seemed to be getting frustrated. "I need coffee."
I pointed her to a quiet coffee shop near the old mill. When we arrived she finished telling me everything.
"He told me that I can make good money working with him. I get so tired, ya know? I fix people's cell phones for a living. I always thought I'd do more with my degree." She stopped to sip her coffee. I squuezed the tea from my hot tea bag as I contemplated where this conversation could be going.
"He made me pass a test first. Not like a job interview or anything like that. I has never done work like this before." She continued after a long pause.
"He made me run full sprint on a treadmill."
"You prolly kicked but at that, right?" Starja and I had played sports together since middle school. She could outrun anyone in speed and in distance.
"I did. He also made me do pull ups and push ups. Military shit. What they hell though, ya know? I beats the same old stuff every day." Starja seemed a bit more calm.
"He had me fire guns at all kinds of targets. He then said that he'd be in touch."
All of this sounded like some kinda MIB thing. We then went to Mama's Burgers and got actual food right across the street.
"Weeks went by before I heard anything. I came home from work to find him on my doorstep. He said he had a mission for me. That it was my only chance. If I pass than I'd be in. He didn't say anything when I asked him what'd happen if I failed."

This has been a long and extremely unusual day for me. I will finish this story soon. Just make sure you're always there for your friends.
Love, A Schizophrenic

The girl under the stairs

So I moved into a new town house this summer....it isn't new, but it is to me. A friend of mine used to live here. I only need it until classes start up in the fall.
I got this job where I work all day and have evenings and weekends off. I have some work to do, but am mostly just chilling. All my friends are out with their friends, but me and the play station are on good terms.
I was playing when I saw her fingers curl out of the vent. At 1st I thought it was dust. The place is dimly light to save power and is hard to see in the evenings.
The next day, I made my way down the stairs. It sounded like someone hitting the stairs under me. I could feel them moving up into my feet and felt the vibrations. I thought I was stomping. The sounds kept coming from the stairs even when no one was using them.
I got back from work and began my Friday night relaxation. I put in a movie and that is when I saw her. Reddish brown straight hair that goes past her shoulders.  A blue bow perfectly centered in her hair that curtains her pale face. Her eyes white and glazed over the blue/green colors. Her pale lips tightly shut hiding her teeth. The nails are caked with dirt as they reach around the grates of the vent under the stairs.
She disappears and reappears. No words. Just her presence.
I think this hallucination appeared because I knew mothers day was coming. She looks like my mom when she was a child. But why under the stairs? I've been watching too much harry potter I guess.
Anyway, never let your hallucinations keep you from enjoying life if you can help it.
Love, A Schizophrenic

Summer and catching up

I realize it has been forever since I've been on here. Lots of things, both good and bad, habe happened. I went to the Philippines last summer. I went on a few more tours with sym band since then. I've had break downs and have been self harming. I got into wind ensemble. I have done several observation hours and and 1 semester away from graduating. Grounds let me go and I worked for the custodians. They didn't habe room for me over the summer and am now working moving crew.
I've had new hallucinations and had some go away. The catatonia isnt too bad, but my memory has gotten so much worse. Stories to come!
Love, A Schizophrenic