Halloween

  A friend of mine asked me earlier today if Halloween bothers me. She asked if the costumes and decorations could be triggers for me.
  No. Nothing like that is a trigger for me. I love the decorations and the costumes. I love the creepy music and I especially love the candy. I did remind me of a funny thing that happened to me one Halloween though. I must have been 20ish years old. My roommate and I had been putting black yarn in my dreads for decoration. I usually change the yarn every couple months or so. We were trying to hurry because there was a block party we had planned on going to that evening. So later, as we were walking through a block party together with some friends the dread I put the yarn in kept falling down out of my ponytail. My friend had an extra bobby pen she let me borrow to put it up. We noticed t was getting kinda dark out and I had already been hallucinating that day.  I kept seeing this long, black, creepy creature crawling off to the side everywhere we went. I still see it at times. I especially see it when there are mirrors near by because it is almost as if it crawls from mirror to mirror. Anyway, my roomie knew that I had been Hallucinating more than normal for the past few weeks. She also knew that sometimes it gets worse in the dark so she suggested that we go on home and start our movies that we had planned out to watch. We turn and begin walking down the street. We passed some older houses on the way back to campus. They are very nice homes with wrap around verandas and swings. A few even have the Victorian style tower going on. As we are walking, something black rushes by me in a blur. I screamed and jumped away. My roomie looked at me like "what?" I told her I thought I saw the crawling creature again. I looked around and nothing was there. She tried to comfort me and calm me down as we kept walking towards home. A few minutes later the same thing happened. This time my room mate was like "Girl...I think it is your hair." "What?" I was just really confused and partially terrified. She started laughing and said, "I think your pin fell out of your hair so your dread keeps flying by your face." We stood and laughed for like 8 minutes.
That is really the scariest Halloween gets for me. Happy Halloween.
                                                                        Love, a schizophrenic.

rape

  Earlier this evening a friend and I were driving down the interstate talking and laughing how best friends do. Somehow, we got on the subject of rape. This is a subject that I am kinda eeeehhh about. It is something that I haven't healed from yet nor do I think I ever will to be honest. I've managed to block so much of what happened out of my memory. Unfortunately, blocking it from memory doesn't always mean blocking the emotions. So tonight, I am just going to write about what happened to me. Hopefully, it will help me deal with it a bit more and maybe also help someone else who may stumble across this post.

  My family had, once again, been evicted from our home and forced to move somewhere else. The problem was that neither of my parents were physically able to work. My mother was sick with Lupus and Fibromyalgia. My father was going in to heart failure because of genetic heart disease and also suffering from degenerative spine disease. This forced us to move to a house not too far away owned by a family friend. It wasn't up to code, but it was a roof over our heads. Behind the house were some woods that were split by a barbed wire fence. On both sides of the house and across the street were fields. In the back yard we had several black walnut trees and one little dogwood. Right by the dogwood was an old cinder block shed. It was where we kept out bikes, decorations, and other out door things including some of my dads old tools. 

  One day, my brother Jonathan had his friend, John, over at the house. We were all hanging out and eating dinner. Everyone seemed to always get along. Everything was fine and everyone was laughing having a good time. After we ate, John and my brother decided to go outside. I told them about an old truck I found in the woods behind our house and they wanted to see it. As we were walking down they both stayed behind me. I could hear them whispering but I just figured they were talking about what ever 16 or 17 year old boys talk about. Being a 12 year old girl, I had no idea what that was. Finally, we reached the truck. It was an old rusted ford. Ironically, it was flipped over on its side. (insert ford jokes here) 

  We hung around for a bit. I was looking in the truck when I saw John starring at me. The next thing I know, they are chasing me. They both chased me from the woods all the to the shed in the back yard. I was trying to hide. I don't exactly remember what was said or done that made me run. I vaguely remember being forced to the ground while in the woods. I hid in the shed, but they saw me go in there. John came straight in looking at me with that ugly brace face grin of his. My brother stood by the door way also smiling. John put me on the ground and tried to get my pants off. I remember looking at my brother for help wondering why he wasn't stopping John. He just stood there and watched. I knew that if I was going to get out of that situation it was going to have to be because I fought my way out. For a 12 year old fighting a 17 year old, that seemed nearly impossible. I struggled to get free, but that disgusting piece of shit managed to hold on. I grabbed a tool and bashed his bitch face with it. I ran and surprisingly shoved my douche bag "brother" out of the way. I ran around the house as quick as I could. I was afraid they would try to corner me in by splitting up and coming at me from both sides of the house. Luckily, they didn't. They let me go. I ran inside and sat on the couch. My mom asked me what happened, but I didn't say a word. My mother was a very wise woman and she picked up that something was horribly wrong. She called my best friend, Claudia, and asked her to come over. I talked with Claudia and told her everything. She convinced me to tell my mother who then went ape and told my father. He was furious. My father confronted that disgusting piece of trash and my "brother." Both swear up and down that they never touched me. John wasn't allowed over for a long time after that. 

  After my mom died later that year and my dad finally got his disability approved, we moved to a much nicer home in a much nicer area. My relationship with my brother had started to mend. There were occasions where we had fights and would often pull switch blades or throw fist. It really wasn't uncommon. I'd still call him a "piece of shit rapist." I would also leave the same comment to John when he commented about how much he missed my mom on my brother's fb pictures. That would always start more fights. I wasn't the only one who had this issue with him. He had tried the same thing with several girls at my middle school and his high school. He even tried to get my sister in a room alone with him one time. I forcefully kept that from happening. He has at least 4 children with 4 different girls of various ages yet only claims 1. I feel bad for that child having to grow up with a piece of trash for a father. It wouldn't surprise me if piece of shit did that to his own daughter. Well, one day many years down the road John was allowed to come in the house for a few minutes while my brother packed a bag for a weekend rodeo trip. I, now 18, was in the kitchen washing dishes. John, 23ish, walked in behind me. He said something to me along the lines of "Hey liar." He walked closer to me and started poking and grabbing at my breast. "Stop it." I warned him. He then said, "What? Are you gonna cry to your daddy about it again? You think you're better than me because you're a Christian? What?" I took a deep breath and grabbed a knife. I pointed it at him saying, "Get the fuck out or I swear to God, I WILL kill you." My brother came down just after I said that. Piece of Trash smirked at me and walked away. I later told my dad, "Keep him away from me. If he is EVER near me again, I WILL KILL HIM!" My dad understood and, to this day, John has stayed away.

  I don't play about rape. EVER. People tell me I really should forgive him. From a Christian stand point, I probably should. From a realistic stand point, he is a piece of shit and always will be. There is no forgiving him. He will NEVER be anything worth my time or even a second thought. I've had people tell me that that is exactly why I should forgive him so that I can move on. Excuse me, but I enjoy hating some people. Especially when I know how low they are capable of sinking. When it comes to this matter, my brain tells me that I am not worth much either and that I should pray. I know I should, but I struggle to.

                                                                                  Love, a schizophrenic.

                                                  

Correlations

  My previous story was about a hallucination that I've had since childhood. What brought the story about was a conversation I had with a friend. My friend had mentioned seeing a shadow figure since she was young. This friend also mentioned the top hat and that family members had also seen him.
  I've heard of people having seen similar "ghost" as someone else. I've also heard of people suffering from similar hallucinations. For example, I used to see numbers in the shape of animals. I met a girl in a hospital who also saw numbers in shapes of animals. Some people who have similar experiences also can have nearly the same hallucination. But what happens if these things are real?
 I was in China for a couple weeks a few years ago. I had recently been trapped in a dark room with no way out before a friend could get to me. She told me as soon as the lights went out I was all she could think of to get to because she was that worried about me. While I was in that dark room, I saw this creature crawl towards me from the bathroom. It got about half way to me before it began to sprint. I pulled back in fear just as it jumped and my best friend slung open the door. I described to my friend everything that I saw. Later that day a man told us about some of the spirits some Chinese people believe in. He showed us one demon in particular that almost took my breathe. My friend and I both paused and looked at each other. We nodded in agreement that this creature was what had tracked me down that night.
  I'm not saying everything that is hallucinated is a spirit, but I'm also not saying that seeing spirits is impossible. ANYWAY, back to the old man.
  I often referred to him as Mr. Sanders to my psychologist. Mr. Sanders is unique. I don't know what to say about him really because there is no way to describe to you the feeling I get from him. I just got back from touring with an ensemble not long ago. 1 night I had to stay in a host home. Host homes are when people from the church we play at take us home and give us a room to sleep in that night. We always stay in groups of at least 2 so no person ever goes to a home by themselves. My host home people seemed strange in a scary way. The man, who looked almost exactly like Mr. Sanders, was always smiling at me. He never really said much though. He gave me the creeps, but was nice when we did speak to each other. I just can't get over the way he looked at me. He looked at me just like Mr. Sanders does. Their faces are practically the same. Their mannerisms are interchangeable. Now my mind is churning trying to figure out if there is a correlation anywhere. It seems as if this has been happening a lot lately. 1st with the lady I could have sworn was my dead mother and with Mr Sanders. I'm honestly creeping myself out a bit here.
  I try not to over think things, but that is almost impossible for me. Keep me in your prayers.
                                               Love, a schizophrenic

The old man

  The sand felt smooth as I sifted it through my fingers. The sun was hot on my back and, as always in the south, the bugs were biting away at my legs. It didn't matter though. My set up outside was perfect for any 5 year old. I was having fun in my little sand box while I pretended I was at the beach. I practically was. All day I could play in the sand and when I got tired of that I could go jump in the pool. Just as I got tired of the pool Mama would call for us to come in and eat. This day, I had just finished my favorite lunch of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, chips, and lemonade. I made my way back outside to finish my mote around my castle.
  My brother yelled at me to move so he could do his stunt. His plan was to run and jump over the sand box and land in the pool. As I looked up, I saw someone from a distance. The man was standing in the habitat yards. I had never seen him before, but he looked right at me. I was creeped out by him. I kept playing and pretending he wasn't there but every time I looked up he would get a little bit closer. Then it got to where he was actually in our yard. My brother didn't even seem to notice him so I continued to pay the man no mind. I could see what he was wearing now. He was wearing a black tux, a red bow tie, shiny shoes, a top hat, and was using a fancy walking cane. It was black and the handle was a silver skull. How did my brother not notice this guy? Every time I looked up the man was getting closer and closer. I didn't even have to look up anymore. I could see him out of the corner of my eye and his shadow was over me. I saw him bend like he was going to put his hand on my shoulder. I moved away. I could hear my brother still playing in the pool as if nothing was going on. I looked up at the man. His eyes were a piercing blue. His beard was long and grey with some black and white. I slowly stood up, decided my brother was fine on his own, and made my way into the house. I didn't speak a work to anyone.
  I still see the man every once in a while. He has never said a word to me and I don't know who he is. He always appears from a distance only to catch up to me later no matter how fast I am or how slow he is. He hasn't changed any at all. I don't know whether or not to be afraid of this man. He has never hurt me that I know of, but something about him freaks me out. I can't help but watch him though when he is near. The strange thing? I have friends who have seen someone or something like him before.
                                            Love, a schizophrenic

sarcasm

  Have you ever been out in public and you start to think that everyone's thoughts are against you? I don't mean you start to FEEL like people are thinking badly of you or that they are secretly talking about you. What I mean is you get nervous, you shake a bit, get a bit sweaty, your head starts to throb, and before you know it you can hear everything. At least you THINK you can hear everything. Your headache continues to worsen and when you look up everyone is walking by pretending you don't even exist. The voices in your head tell you that they actually aren't ignoring you. They are talking about you, to you, and implanting thoughts in your head, or maybe they can even hear your thoughts. You begin to panic. You even try to figure out how this could possible be. Are they aliens? Are they gods? Are these people even real or just more hallucinations? Has this ever happened to anyone else?
  No? Oh, that's right. These things don't actually happen. They are just made up movie sense that Hollywood fills our living rooms with. Mental illnesses never actually happens and of course, if it does, that person is ALWAYS  murderer....wait no....no...I'm definitely being sarcastic. Sorry.
  That scenario I described? Yeah, that has happened to me before on several occasions. What happened? Welp, I was dragged outta there by my parents before anyone began to notice too much. Yep, I ended up in a hospital not much longer after that. Did I kill anyone? Nope. Just stabbed a few innocent bystanders...with my demonic laser vision. Ya know, cause I'm "demon possessed." Once again. Sarcasm.
  I'm super sorry if this sounds whiny in anyway, but these are issues that I face everyday. People ask me this stuff all the time. "Do you think you're demon possessed...or maybe just oppressed?" Nope. My brain ain't wired correctly....and apparently neither is yours ya nut. "I don't know that I want to be around you. You could be dangerous." Really? If I was dangerous I would be pickin' off better people than you, ya lil waste a my time.
  People come up with all kinds of questions and ideas when they are afraid of something they don't understand. It is a defense mechanism. We has humans need an explanation for just about everything. I understand that, but at least try to find an answer without insulting me. I really wish we had some sort of technology that allowed us to research and ask questions. What would they call that? Internet, maybe? I could keep on about this, but my point is to please do your research so you quit saying stupid crap.
                                                     Love, a schizohrenic

Rough night

People with schizophrenia will understand this. We know that some days can be much worse than others. Last night was one of those times that caught me off guard.
I'm traveling with an ensemble and last night aome of us stayed in a hotel. It was a decent room with warm showers and air conditioning. Thank God. Anyway, i haf already showered anf was getting ready for bed. I felt something on my foot. I have tactile hallucinations so this was nothing new. What was new were the types of creatures i saw when i looked down. They were a dark green color. They looked kinda like giant grass hoppers and crickets. I kivked it off my foot, but when i looked up i saw at least a dozen more. They kept crawling on me and were keeping me from sleeping. I didnt tell anyone because people dont always understand and may panic. 1 roommate noticed me wiggling a lot, but i didnt tell her anything. These thinks kept me up almost all night. They almost reminded me of the frog creatures i've mentioned in previous post. I hate when things like that happen. I've seen and heard things since, but nothing as distracting and frightening as that.
            Love, a schizophrenic.

Traveling tips

  Many people have someone in their family who is battling a mental disorder or are battling one themselves. Unfortunately, these disorders can interfere with plans. This can often be upsetting for the person with the disorder because they may feel as if everything is there fault. So, if traveling
1) Make sure you or your family member are stable. If you are having psychotic breaks everyday, it may not be in their best interest to put the stress of traveling on them.
2) Contact your doctor and let them know of the plans. They may be able to give more helpful tips. Also, if something goes wrong it is good for the main psychologist/psychiatrist to know about it.
3) Surprises aren't always the best idea. This goes hand in hand with 1. Some people might can handle a surprise vacation. Others may not be able to. Warn them and give them plenty of time to prepare and plan.
4) Make sure that some of your favorite activities are included in this vacation so you don't feel like a dog on a leash being drug around. Just because you happen to have a mental disorder doesn't mean you don't have a right to have a say so in what is going on.
5) Make sure you bring plenty of your medication. Write down on a piece of paper everything you take, how much, when, and why. This may be helpful in case of an emergency. EMS or whoever will have a list of what you are on and can make quicker decisions on how to help you if you are injured. I've been injured before and didn't tell the doctor what medication I was on. They saw something in my blood that indicated drugs, but once I told them my medications it all made more sense to them.
6) Communicate. If you are uncomfortable then tell someone. If they care for you, they will help you.

I'm just bringing this up because I am getting ready to travel with an ensemble and thought maybe someone else might be getting ready for travel as well and could use some advise. That was a long sentence.
                                                  Love, a Schizophrenic.

Aren't you feeling better yet?

It seems like every time I ask someone to help me or pray for me, they wait a few days and ask "aren't you feeling better yet?" 

Ladies and gents, I hate to break it to you, but uh...schizophrenia doesn't go away like a cold. I may be experiencing symptoms for months or years without them going away. It is a chronic disorder. It doesn't leave because I want it to or because I load up on antibiotics and vitamin c. It is a malfunction in the brain pathways due to chemical imbalances and disruption causing chemical imbalances in the synapses in the brain. It is gray matter being eaten away in my brain continuously without my permission. It is a disturbance in the force that no jedi can fix. So next time you call someone a faker because they've hallucinated for days or have been depressed for weeks, stop and think about the science. Imagine what the difference between your brain and their's. If you can't do that...google it. Learn the science. LEARN what is actually taking place  or not taking place in the brain to cause their much unwanted (by them and you) symptoms. Trust me, they are probs waaay more annoyed than you are. Ya asshole.

                                                                      Love, a schizophrenic

Watching through a window

I often feel like I'm watching things through a window. I feel no connection to anything or anyone what so ever. My head feels like my brain is a few seconds behind and everything gets really loud and my vision blurs. I tried explaining this to my Dr as best I could. He knows how detached I feel at times. He called this certain case sensory overload. 

Sensory overload isn't one of the 1st things people would associate with schizophrenia, but those of us with schizophrenia are far too familiar with it. It is exactly how it sounds. The brain gets overwhelmed by all the information it is having to interpret. In schizophrenic brains the pathways are already kinda messed up causing the brain to fill in the information the best it can if it can. So when this happens to someone with something like schizophrenia, it really can be too overwhelming. The best I know to do is to just try and sleep it off. Ima go do that.

                                                                Love, a schizophrenic

Switched

  As a lot of people know, paranoia is one symptom of schizophrenia. I am not always struggling with paranoia, but it is something I have dealt with before to the point of hospitalizations. Maybe some of you psych people can help me with this one. I'm not entirely sure this would be paranoia as much as it would be a delusion.
  My mother died of an accidental overdose of her lupus medication when I was 12. She died at home but EMS was able to get her heart to beat again before rushing her to the hospital. There she was placed on life support machines. She had tubes draining blood from her stomach? The doctor told us that she was brain dead and they were injecting something in her to make her heart keep beating. Her liver and kidneys had shut down. I think I mentioned in a previous post about having hallucinations of her after she died.
  Recently I saw a woman on Facebook. I've been friends with this woman for a while. I glanced at her picture after she liked one of my post and she looked like my mother only older then when she died. I heard voices telling me it was my mom so I began researching her. I came to the conclusion that my mom didn't really die. She divorced my dad (they used to argue a lot) and then moved away. The woman's profile said she is divorced and she looks almost how I can imagine my mom looking now. She is friends with my step mom and I thought my step mom had something to do with it. My dad did tell me when he had her taken off the machines that it was alright for her to go that'd we'd be okay. What if that is what he talking about her leaving? I found my mom's death certificate but I wasn't actually there when she "died." Her profile was just a way that she could still be with us.
  Basically, my brain kept giving me all this proof that it was her. Well, then I hallucinated her walking into my dorm room. She didn't talk like my mom. Her voice was much different. I haven't heard my mom's voice in 10 years, but I would know it if I heard it. This lady wasn't her. She was shorter than my mom was. I know people sometimes shrink as they get older. My mom was about 5'7, but this lady probably wasn't even 5'4. She had the ban-aid on her arm where my mom used to have her blood taken from. She wasn't wearing the same type of shorts I remember my mom wearing. She put her arm on my shoulder and I tried to ignore her, but she stood there. Now, I can't get her to leave. I don't know this lady.
                                                             Help, a schizophrenic

No laughing matter

  Today I heard about a girl around my age who tried to kill herself. First, she cut her wrist and then tried to hang herself. Long story short, neither worked so she jumped out a window. That is when her friends who were going to visit her found her. They dialed 911 and the girl was taken to the hospital. 

  I don't know what made the girl want to do that. Maybe she suffers from depression, or was going through a really tough time. What angered me about the situation was the way I heard others speaking. I heard things like, "Well, if thy're dumb enough to do it then let them." or "Bitches are crazy these days. They either kill you or kill themselves." These comments were said with a smile.
  Suicide and mental illnesses are no laughing matter. The girl tried to kill herself. She almost died and people are making jokes about it? That is not okay. I understand that some people try to make humor out of their own illness. Personally, I don't think it helps me and it certainly doesn't help fight stigmas. If people hear me laughing about my schizophrenia, then they will think it is okay for them to do so. Then, before we know it, there are people not taking any of it seriously or completely misunderstanding mental illnesses. Thanks to Hollywood I already deal with that enough. I try to be open about my schizophrenia, but sometimes people make me wonder if I should be ashamed of it. I've lost friends because people are afraid of me or think that I am going to kill them. They ask me how I am functioning with so many different personalities (DID is not schizophrenia) . I just look at them like they're stupid. Others ask me how often my moods change (bipolar disorder is not schizophrenia).
I don't really know how to wrap this up because I want to go watch a movie, but basically what I am saying is to watch how we talk about and treat suicide and mental illness.
                                                       Love, a schizophrenic