After this morning's post I thought it would be a good idea to write about some tips for working and taking care of yourself.
I was diagnosed with disorganized schizophrenia. I've been in and out of wards and units and blah blah blah. I've been on so many medications and seen so many doctors. I've had all the scans and pictures and anything else you can imagine. I've also managed to work sometimes 100+ hours a week. I successfully completed the requirements to receive my degree in Instrumental music education licensed K-12 with a saxophone concentration. I am working to earn a masters in performance now. Lots of people want to tell me that I probably am not actually schizophrenic because I am functional. Let me tell you, I have had to cancel trips because I could not get medical clearance. I've had to drop out of school because I could not stay out of wards. Just because I did it doesn't mean it was easy.
Here are some things I did to help myself along this journey. These are in no particular order.
1. Keep up with you medication. Make a calendar, get the old people pill organizers, make sure you have refills, and do not stop taking it until you talk it over with your doctor.
2.Go to your appointments. Psychologist and psychiatrist are not cheap, but they have ways of working with you so you can afford it. If they don't then they are money hungry and probably not any good anyway.
3. Stay hydrated and eat well.Your mind and body work together. You brain controls both. Take care of it.
4. Schedule schedule schedule. Do not over book yourself and allow time to chill and SLEEP.
5. Get a job if you can. Have a hobby. Create, learn to paint, learn an instrument, write songs, act, dance, something to get the creativity flowing. Athletics are fantastic as well!
6. Try to build a support system. For me this mostly consist of my dad and a couple close friends. My roommates know what to look for in my behavior as do I so we can tell if things are about to get bad.
7. Relax. Laugh. It helps. Maybe get a pet or hang out with a friend.
8. Put yourself through school if you want. :)
You can do more than you think and waaaay more than others think. Trust me, I know.
Love, A Schizophrenic
Sunday, January 13, 2019
Saturday, January 12, 2019
Mental Health and Work
So I recently began working at a Taco Bell in town. I was helping make food for the drive through when my coworkers began talking about counselling and psychiatric disorders that they have. I felt sooooooo awkward. I wanted to tell them about me because they were talking all about their anxiety disorders and like a.d.d and things of that nature.I finished the order, handed it to the window and turned to face them. I awkwardly blurted out, I have been diagnosed with disorganized schizophrenia. They all just looked at me. I put my head down and said, "Sorry. I just heard y'all talking about mental health things and thought I would jump in." They all were like "No, its fine." Then one guy began asking me questions about what it causes and things like that. They all listened. Later we all got back to work and it was fine.
My dad always tells me not to trust people. "Don't air out the dirty laundry." or "Don't spill all the beans." Sometimes people will be chill like my coworkers and other times people may react negatively. Sometimes it is difficult to tell which people will react in what way. Especially if your disorder compromises your ability to understand social construct. I am a firm believer in "if you don't talk about it, it will never change." Unfortunately, some people may try to get you fired from a place or treat you differently. I've had friends quite talking to me, friends have tried to exorcise demons from me, and others become afraid because they think I am a murderer....thanks Hollywood. Once again, these things may never change. They never will if we don't talk about it. I'm not telling you to make yourself uncomfortable and tell everyone you know.The decision is yours. There are still places and people I choose not to speak about it around. One day I will and that's fine. One day maybe you'll be okay with talking more about it and that's fine too. Sometimes it is okay to take chances. Do not be ashamed. If other people react poorly it is on them and not you.
Love yourself and don't be ashamed.
Love, A Schizophrenic.
My dad always tells me not to trust people. "Don't air out the dirty laundry." or "Don't spill all the beans." Sometimes people will be chill like my coworkers and other times people may react negatively. Sometimes it is difficult to tell which people will react in what way. Especially if your disorder compromises your ability to understand social construct. I am a firm believer in "if you don't talk about it, it will never change." Unfortunately, some people may try to get you fired from a place or treat you differently. I've had friends quite talking to me, friends have tried to exorcise demons from me, and others become afraid because they think I am a murderer....thanks Hollywood. Once again, these things may never change. They never will if we don't talk about it. I'm not telling you to make yourself uncomfortable and tell everyone you know.The decision is yours. There are still places and people I choose not to speak about it around. One day I will and that's fine. One day maybe you'll be okay with talking more about it and that's fine too. Sometimes it is okay to take chances. Do not be ashamed. If other people react poorly it is on them and not you.
Love yourself and don't be ashamed.
Love, A Schizophrenic.
Friday, January 11, 2019
Getting ready
I am working on a Bozza Caprice for saxophone to play for an audition hopefully in couple months. It is marked Allegro Moderato and is kicking my butt. I barely have it at an andante tempo. I need to start working on other pieces too.
Anyway, I was upstairs in my apartment practicing when something odd happened. I ended up getting a call from an unknown name. It pissed me off because I was using my phone's metronome. So I ignored the call. The same number called back again so I thought it was someone important calling. When I answered all I could hear was my metronome start ticking again so I hung up. Like 5 minutes later I get another call. SAME NUMBER! I exit out of my met and answer the phone. Some weirdo answers back and says "I hear you."
I immediately hung up the phone and kept practicing. 10 minutes go by so I thought it was over. The phone called again. It is the same number. I have no idea who it is and it isn't calling from an area code I recognize. The same thing happens."I hear you." I hang up. I am done practicing so I pack up and go down stairs to make something to eat. While I'm waiting I start watching youtube videos. THEY CALLED AGAIN!!!! I didn't do anything. I just let it ring.
They haven't called back, but that was weird.
Y'all, don't be answering calls from unknown name.
Love, A Schizophrenic
Anyway, I was upstairs in my apartment practicing when something odd happened. I ended up getting a call from an unknown name. It pissed me off because I was using my phone's metronome. So I ignored the call. The same number called back again so I thought it was someone important calling. When I answered all I could hear was my metronome start ticking again so I hung up. Like 5 minutes later I get another call. SAME NUMBER! I exit out of my met and answer the phone. Some weirdo answers back and says "I hear you."
I immediately hung up the phone and kept practicing. 10 minutes go by so I thought it was over. The phone called again. It is the same number. I have no idea who it is and it isn't calling from an area code I recognize. The same thing happens."I hear you." I hang up. I am done practicing so I pack up and go down stairs to make something to eat. While I'm waiting I start watching youtube videos. THEY CALLED AGAIN!!!! I didn't do anything. I just let it ring.
They haven't called back, but that was weird.
Y'all, don't be answering calls from unknown name.
Love, A Schizophrenic
Thursday, January 10, 2019
Do the impossible
So I've decided that I want to go ahead and begin earning a master's degree in music performance. I had to get a new job since I graduated and can no longer work as a student worker on campus, but it is difficult to find temporary teaching jobs.I decided to just get what ever job would hire me 1st and make the best of it because I really want to start a masters in the fall.
Thanks to some friends of mine I got hired at a local Taco Bell. So far it seems like a good place to work. The people are good and there are opportunities for promotions and raises. They also started me above minimum wage which is pretty sweet. I also am working to get hired by VIPKID. I want to save and use some of my tax refund to buy a used car and start paying on student loans. I also can save a few bucks here and there to help pay for school. I think I also want to get in the system as a substitute teacher which will help me make use of my teaching degree.
After earning the master's, I plan to get more teaching experience after earning my masters. After a few years of that I want to get a doctoral degree and teach at a university. I'd really like to teach at Lee University. I seems like a special place.
I make this post for multiple reasons.
1. I want to keep my blog updated better and kinda make it a journal
2. I want those of you with a mental illness to realize that the world (and maybe yourself) may tell you you can't make it. They'll want to tell you that you are too broken, too slow, too messed up, or too unstable. You can prove them wrong. You can prove yourself wrong. I used to think that getting a degree...or even going to college was impossible for me. Now, I like to do impossible things. It is a hobby. Didn't Alice in Wonderland talk about doing "7 impossible things before breakfast?" Personally, God helps me with these things.
3. Yesterday, I totally had a melt down. I am graduated, but still living with college students. Yes, I plan on going back to school, but I got so over whelmed when I realized how much I really owe in loans. I beat myself up because I don't know what I really want to do in life. This goal that I've made seems right, but time will tell. I want to play saxophone and I want to compose. I want to be in a place where skills are cultivated....mine and other's. This post is helping to solidify this idea in my mind and remind me that I've already (through the help of God) done the impossible. If I've already done the impossible, then I can do more impossible things. God has got me this far so I know he'll get me through the rest of the way and it will be fine. It may be rocky, but it will all work out.
These are things and the types of goals that people do not want to tell you you are capable of, but you totally are. Do the impossible.
Love, A Schizophrenic
Thanks to some friends of mine I got hired at a local Taco Bell. So far it seems like a good place to work. The people are good and there are opportunities for promotions and raises. They also started me above minimum wage which is pretty sweet. I also am working to get hired by VIPKID. I want to save and use some of my tax refund to buy a used car and start paying on student loans. I also can save a few bucks here and there to help pay for school. I think I also want to get in the system as a substitute teacher which will help me make use of my teaching degree.
After earning the master's, I plan to get more teaching experience after earning my masters. After a few years of that I want to get a doctoral degree and teach at a university. I'd really like to teach at Lee University. I seems like a special place.
I make this post for multiple reasons.
1. I want to keep my blog updated better and kinda make it a journal
2. I want those of you with a mental illness to realize that the world (and maybe yourself) may tell you you can't make it. They'll want to tell you that you are too broken, too slow, too messed up, or too unstable. You can prove them wrong. You can prove yourself wrong. I used to think that getting a degree...or even going to college was impossible for me. Now, I like to do impossible things. It is a hobby. Didn't Alice in Wonderland talk about doing "7 impossible things before breakfast?" Personally, God helps me with these things.
3. Yesterday, I totally had a melt down. I am graduated, but still living with college students. Yes, I plan on going back to school, but I got so over whelmed when I realized how much I really owe in loans. I beat myself up because I don't know what I really want to do in life. This goal that I've made seems right, but time will tell. I want to play saxophone and I want to compose. I want to be in a place where skills are cultivated....mine and other's. This post is helping to solidify this idea in my mind and remind me that I've already (through the help of God) done the impossible. If I've already done the impossible, then I can do more impossible things. God has got me this far so I know he'll get me through the rest of the way and it will be fine. It may be rocky, but it will all work out.
These are things and the types of goals that people do not want to tell you you are capable of, but you totally are. Do the impossible.
Love, A Schizophrenic
Wednesday, January 9, 2019
Sleep schedules
Sleep schedules are important. We've all had those days or weeks where we've had little to no rest and it shows. Work keeps us awake, our minds race, there is so much to worry about and think about, and you have to be up early to do God knows what. It sucks.
Finding a way to resolve and set a sleep schedule is so important especially if you have a mental disorder like schizophrenia. It gives your over worked, sick brain a second to calm down. I don't know about y'all, but I don't have hallucinations when I sleep. Just saying. It gives your brain a chance to recover from the day and your mind time to sort out unnecessary information that you often know nothing about. Sleep gives your muscles an opportunity to relax and repair any damage and your organs a chance to catch up on what ever they've been doing.
I've noticed how grogy and worthless I am when I've had too much sleep. I feel lazy and end up just hating myself. A disorderly brain can have too much fun with that. I get irritable and lose self control easier when I do not have enough sleep. I find that I make the dumbest mistakes when I'm tired.
How do you fix the messed up schedule?I am going to tell you a secret that other people do not want you to know. You are in charge of you. You do not have to do anything you do not want to do. If you know you need to be in bed by a certain time so you can be ready in the morning then don't be afraid to tell your friends that. If your boss is scheduling you too many hours TELL THEM. Communication works...unless someone is an arse. If you don't want that 7:45am class....don't take it. If you do want it, take it and make sure to work it into your schedule. You are in charge of you. Don't ever let people tell you that you HAVE to do something you are uncomfortable with or that is unhealthy for you.
Take care of yourselves.
Love, A Schizophrenic
Finding a way to resolve and set a sleep schedule is so important especially if you have a mental disorder like schizophrenia. It gives your over worked, sick brain a second to calm down. I don't know about y'all, but I don't have hallucinations when I sleep. Just saying. It gives your brain a chance to recover from the day and your mind time to sort out unnecessary information that you often know nothing about. Sleep gives your muscles an opportunity to relax and repair any damage and your organs a chance to catch up on what ever they've been doing.
I've noticed how grogy and worthless I am when I've had too much sleep. I feel lazy and end up just hating myself. A disorderly brain can have too much fun with that. I get irritable and lose self control easier when I do not have enough sleep. I find that I make the dumbest mistakes when I'm tired.
How do you fix the messed up schedule?I am going to tell you a secret that other people do not want you to know. You are in charge of you. You do not have to do anything you do not want to do. If you know you need to be in bed by a certain time so you can be ready in the morning then don't be afraid to tell your friends that. If your boss is scheduling you too many hours TELL THEM. Communication works...unless someone is an arse. If you don't want that 7:45am class....don't take it. If you do want it, take it and make sure to work it into your schedule. You are in charge of you. Don't ever let people tell you that you HAVE to do something you are uncomfortable with or that is unhealthy for you.
Take care of yourselves.
Love, A Schizophrenic
Tuesday, January 8, 2019
Schizophrenia and demons part 2
This is in relation to the story I sent to the mighty.
I basically decided I do not want to be friends with someone who tells me I am possessed or oppressed. I decided to tell Hannah that I would not be her friend anymore and I am not going to her wedding. She tried to deny everything. I told her what I needed to tell her and then ended it. Then her husband calls Zeph and explains whats happening, but Zeph takes my side and told them they were wrong to say those things.
I know that a lot of my post have to do with demons and such, but it is a subject that comes up a lot when people find out I am a diagnosed schizophrenic. It is especially common with the religious folk. I mean people from a few different religions have brought it up, bit just the Christians. I do think that some people can be possessed, but just because someone has a mental disorder does not mean they are possessed or oppressed. I am vocal about these things because I want to help educate people and end stigmas. If you have a mental disorder you are not broken. Your brain functions differently.
Love, A Schizophrenic
I basically decided I do not want to be friends with someone who tells me I am possessed or oppressed. I decided to tell Hannah that I would not be her friend anymore and I am not going to her wedding. She tried to deny everything. I told her what I needed to tell her and then ended it. Then her husband calls Zeph and explains whats happening, but Zeph takes my side and told them they were wrong to say those things.
I know that a lot of my post have to do with demons and such, but it is a subject that comes up a lot when people find out I am a diagnosed schizophrenic. It is especially common with the religious folk. I mean people from a few different religions have brought it up, bit just the Christians. I do think that some people can be possessed, but just because someone has a mental disorder does not mean they are possessed or oppressed. I am vocal about these things because I want to help educate people and end stigmas. If you have a mental disorder you are not broken. Your brain functions differently.
Love, A Schizophrenic
Reliving the drama
So basically Jon asked me out one night and I felt super awkward, but I told him yes.
It lasted 3 days. I couldn't handle the awkwardness of it and it just felt so wrong because I always thought of him as a little dumb not related brother.
Anyway, Zeph got a kick out of it all. Then his girl left him and Jon made fun of him for it. One day when Jon was out and about, Zeph saw an odd book on Jon's bed. They share a room so no privacy was breached. Zeph contacted me saying the book was about demonology and had some spells in it. He moved out after that. So, Zeph is still friends with me. Jon doesn't speak to me, and Drae doesn't chill with me even thought I wish he would.
The last few weeks of classes went by and all blurred together. What really went wrong was all centered around that book. Jon apparently admitted to Drae that he'd been using that book to "invite things" and tried to make something bad happen to Zephry because of the prank war. Zeph then tells me and Maggie. Maggie, who is fed up with Jon heads over to talk to him. He wasn't there, but the door was open so she went it to see if maybe Drae was home. On the counter she found another small book containing demonic and witchcraft things. She said she left immediately and knew it was not smart to go in there. Most of our friends have a fairly open door policy. She gets a hold of drae who admits to not staying in the apartment anymore due to Jon becoming extremely messy. Drae then speaks to me and says that Jon is still doing those things even thought the prank war ended when the Laspenis moved out. The RA of the apartments ends up contacting Drae. The RA had heard nothing from him in a while and said no one was home the past few times he stopped by to discuss some complaints. Drae decided to go meet with him and meet back up with me and Zeph later for dinner.
When he meets up with us, he tells us all about it.
"Its some real creepy shit man." He went on to explain that Jon hadn't been home, but people had seen him wondering the building and the smell from the apartment was rancid. Through a series of contacts we figured out Jon's location. Maggie drove us to him. He said that things got out of hand and that he got the place "infested" and that is why he can't go back. We told him that people had seen him wondering the building. "That wasn't me!" He kinda freaked out for a minute. Drae spoke to the RA who checked the keycard records. Jon had scanned in several times in the evenings. He was just "so depressed" that he didnt want to be found and made up some dumb story to freak everyone out. He called it his "last move" in the prank war. He said that the ball wasin our court. Naturally we officially declared the war over.
I do have to saw it was an ultimate move. The stench he made from leaving meat out on the counter. That he worked with Drae on, but Drae didn't actually know where Jon had went. Y'all, be careful with the moves you make in prank wars.
Love, A Schizophrenic
It lasted 3 days. I couldn't handle the awkwardness of it and it just felt so wrong because I always thought of him as a little dumb not related brother.
Anyway, Zeph got a kick out of it all. Then his girl left him and Jon made fun of him for it. One day when Jon was out and about, Zeph saw an odd book on Jon's bed. They share a room so no privacy was breached. Zeph contacted me saying the book was about demonology and had some spells in it. He moved out after that. So, Zeph is still friends with me. Jon doesn't speak to me, and Drae doesn't chill with me even thought I wish he would.
The last few weeks of classes went by and all blurred together. What really went wrong was all centered around that book. Jon apparently admitted to Drae that he'd been using that book to "invite things" and tried to make something bad happen to Zephry because of the prank war. Zeph then tells me and Maggie. Maggie, who is fed up with Jon heads over to talk to him. He wasn't there, but the door was open so she went it to see if maybe Drae was home. On the counter she found another small book containing demonic and witchcraft things. She said she left immediately and knew it was not smart to go in there. Most of our friends have a fairly open door policy. She gets a hold of drae who admits to not staying in the apartment anymore due to Jon becoming extremely messy. Drae then speaks to me and says that Jon is still doing those things even thought the prank war ended when the Laspenis moved out. The RA of the apartments ends up contacting Drae. The RA had heard nothing from him in a while and said no one was home the past few times he stopped by to discuss some complaints. Drae decided to go meet with him and meet back up with me and Zeph later for dinner.
When he meets up with us, he tells us all about it.
"Its some real creepy shit man." He went on to explain that Jon hadn't been home, but people had seen him wondering the building and the smell from the apartment was rancid. Through a series of contacts we figured out Jon's location. Maggie drove us to him. He said that things got out of hand and that he got the place "infested" and that is why he can't go back. We told him that people had seen him wondering the building. "That wasn't me!" He kinda freaked out for a minute. Drae spoke to the RA who checked the keycard records. Jon had scanned in several times in the evenings. He was just "so depressed" that he didnt want to be found and made up some dumb story to freak everyone out. He called it his "last move" in the prank war. He said that the ball wasin our court. Naturally we officially declared the war over.
I do have to saw it was an ultimate move. The stench he made from leaving meat out on the counter. That he worked with Drae on, but Drae didn't actually know where Jon had went. Y'all, be careful with the moves you make in prank wars.
Love, A Schizophrenic
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