Sent this to The Mighty

Last week, I visited a church with some friends. It was a small church and the people were kind and welcoming. The pastors spoke on the topic of God's gifts. Today I went back to that church. They began their service how many churches do, with worship. The worship seemed great and genuine, but then the pastor started speaking.
She spoke of living a full life in God, reviewed last weeks points, and carried on with her sermon. She began speaking of things in life that cause us to struggle. She called them "spirits." Spirits of lazyness and addiction were mentioned. She also said "spirits of depression and schizophrenia." Now, I do believe in God, angels, and demons. I also believe in illnesses and disorders.
I went to the pastor after the service to ask for clarification of that part of her sermon. She talked about all of these neurologist who are preachers and they preach the same thing she did.  She said that she had been delivered from depression (which I do believe can happen) and that she has family members with mental illnesses. This got under my skin a bit because an illness usually means someone is sick. Sickness usually goes away. Schizophrenia is a disorder. It doesn't leave. It is chronic and usually gets worse with time. It is a disorder. A Schizophrenic brain just functions differently...that is why it is called a disorder.
She continued to say that her schizophrenic niece got worse with medication because she "has a demon." She went on to explain that its either demonic possession or oppression. I explained to her that people have tried to perform exocisms on me before, but they didn't work simply because I'm not possessed. Her response was "well, if you get someone to do it who knows what they are doing it will work."
Naturally, I left. Who wants to stay in a place where people think they're possessed because of a brain disorder. As I am walking to the car my friend catches up with me. Here's the kicker. This friend once locked me in our dorm room to try to exercise a demon off or out of me so naturally she sided with the pastor. I ended up walking home in disbelief at what I'd just heard.
The pastor tried telling me that mental "illness" takes away joy. Joy cannot be taken by the physical. Joy is in God and therefore eternal. I can be unhappy and Schizophrenic and still have joy. She tried telling me that Joy is so fickle that it can be effected by serotonin and dopamine and that those things can stop a relationship with God. Yes, those things alter mood and perception. Embalances in chemicals cause mental disorders not broken relationships with God. I know of pastors who take antidepressants and antipsychs...and guess what? They're still Christians.
I wanted to tell this because so many in the church are silent of disorders like schizophrenia because they do not want others to say these things of them. Some people have been ran out of churches because of people believing thise things. Trust me, I am not going back to that church. Some people say it is best to just keep quiet about it, but how can things change if no one speaks up? How can we educate the so called educated, as this woman claimed to be, and how can we help others if no one says anything?
Love, A Schizophrenic

Demons and schizophrenia

I was going to finish writing about the awkward friend drama from this past semester, but something just happened that I want to address.
First , Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior. I have accepted Jesus into my heart. Second, I was diagnosed at the age of 17 with disorganized schizophrenia.
So here is what just happened:
I went to a church with my friend, Hannah. The church seemed great the 1st time I went last wednesday. They were all kind, welcoming, and obviously wanted people to be there. I told Hannah that I would love to go back.
Today, I went with her and her husband and another 1 of our friends. The worship was great. I tend to be a more quiet worshipper so while everyone else was dancing or raising hands while standing at the alter, I remained standing in front of my seat praising God. It was a longer worship service because The Holy Spirit showed up and began to move on people through out the service. Then, as things calmed a bit, one of the pastors began to speak. She lead through a prayer and into more worship for a few more minutes.
After the worship she began speaking about the promises and gifts from God. She started talking about generational curses being a foot hold for satan and his demons. So far, it all makes since. If a person has a weakness of drug addiction than they will probably be more tempted to use drugs when something happens. Then, she mentions mental illness. She said "depression and schizophrenia." Then began talking of demons causing those things.
I went to her after the service and asked to clarify what she meant. She was kind and not preachy. To clarify she did state that I'm still welcome at the church and she won't judge. This blog post is NOT to rip on her or that church. Through a rather 1 sided discussion, she basically stated that schizophrenia and mental disorders are demons and that medication destroys people. She gave personal experiences as proof for her opinion saying that she had been delivered from "a spirit of depression." She even talked about joy as if it were mere happiness. Joy is from God and is eternal because it is a characteristic of God. I can be sad and still have Joy. Happiness and sadness die on this earth. Joy is in God and therefore is eternal. It is not related to gray matter, serotonin or dopamine.
I left and walk home. As I was in the parking lot, Hannah caught up to me. Hannah seems to think I am being "demon oppressed." I told her I'm not mad at her. I just don't want to go to a church where people think I'm covered in demons.
I cannot believe that it is almost 2019 and there are still people out there that think mental illnesses are caused by demons. Mental disorder are just that. We don't tell the person with cancer or chrone's disease that they have demons so why would we say that to a persons whose brain (the brain is an organ) is simply working differently?
This message IS NOT TO THE CHURCH. This is for those of you that have been told the same thing and for those who think all Christians are so ignorant. I am here to tell you, yes demons exist but they aren't always the cause of these things. I'm.also writing this to tell you that not every Christian is going to tell you that you have demons. If you can pray and confess Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior you are not demons possessed and probably not even oppressed. Christians and non believers out there with mental disorders, keep praying. God may heal you on Earth, but he may heal you after you leave it too. Please don't let someones ignorance push you away from God. Hold your head high and keep fighting your battle.
If you are someone who agrees with that pastor's opinion, please educate yourself before you start trying to exercise demons out of people. Also, don't be confused in none come out. Its probably just someone with a mental DISORDER whose brain WORKS DIFFERENTLY. Some medication may help and other won't, but keep praying.
Love, A God worshipping, Prayer speaking, Jesus loving, JOYFUL, medicated, Schizophrenic.

Friend group drama

To sum everything up Zeph has a back and foot fetish AND has a crush on me, Jon won't get off of me and keeps following me now too, and Drae still has his gf freaking out every 3 seconds. I'm still a bit peeved that everyone in the group new zeph secretly liked me, but no one would tell me. I did get some of that anger out when Drae brought out the boxing gloves. I literally beat the crap out of Jon and Zeph laughed because Jon had to shower and change clothes.
Now, video game night #2 happens. The night before, Jon had been whining about some chick he liked but was too much a weiner to tell her. So everyone is like, just tell her. He kept whining like "How do I know if she likes me?" I said that I didn't know because I'm usually bold enough to ask the guy myself. Things got super quiet. Luckily the tacos were done and we all chowed down while playing games. The usual happened. Zeph whined and followed me eveeywhere. Jon was a bitch and kept laying on me and I kept telling him to stop.
A few days later Jon invited me to dinner at steak n shake. We were laughing and talking and things were great. Then he got super quiet and said "I'm just gonna do it." I just sat there connecting all the dots. "Do you wanna go out with me?" Jon asked.
I didn't know what to do. Part of me knew it wouldn't work and part of me felt bad for the kid. Anyway, I broke up with him like 3 days later because it was just awkward.
Zeph also asked a girl out that night. She told him yes. When he found out I broke up with Jon after what Jon said was a week (was only 3 days) Zephry came to me laughing. You all have to understand. There is an all out pranking brawl happening during all of this. Naturally, Zeph assumes I dated Jon as a prank. To shut that idea down, I gave him a list of all the reasons that relationship wouldn't work. This left Zeph to do some digging of his own.
The next day Drae and Jon tell me the Laspenis went into Jon's room and dug around his stuff. Zeph later tells me what he found. He said he found a book of spells and demonology. He accused Jon of witchcraft. Things go so bad with that and the prank war that Zeph moved out of their apartment and into another.
All was well until about the last week of classes. I'll explain that hopefully tomorrow and get caught up with where things are now.
Don't date people because you feel bad for them and don't be afraid to break things off if you're uncomfortable or unhappy.
Love, A Schizophrenic

Zeph and Jon

So basically both Zeph and Jon were acting really odd around me. Everyone else in the friend group knew why, but would not tell me.
We all sit down with pizza and watch the movie. Drae is still dealing with his girl who always seems to be freaking out. I manage to sit next to Maggie on the couch. Its 1 of those wrap around couches and we're near the edge. BOTH Jon and Zeph sit to my left with the excuse of "we want to be near the pizza." Jon keeps laying back on me so I got up and moved to Maggie's right. A few minutes later I go get more pizza. I sit down and Zeph follows to sit next to me. Drae finally joins us and thank God he fits between me and Zephry.
After the movie we all go home and Maggie comes to visit at my apartment. She was getting ready to move in in a month so she brought a few things with her. As she is unpacking, I finally manage to squeeze some of the truth out of her. "Zeph didn't want me to tell you, but he's liked you for a while now. At least a couple months." Maggie said. I was kinda mad because she knew something that involved me, but didn't think I had a right to know. "He said you have a nice...back." She explained.
"What? He has a back fetish?" I asked and she confirmed.
It was freaky. I knew he was a little creepy, but geez.
The next day Jon invited me for a video game night at their place. Btw, Jon, Drae, and Zeph all lived together at this point.
I got over and we chow down on burgers and chips while playing fortnite. Jon keeps layin on me and I have to tell him to stop. Drae kept telling him to stop too because he was being a creep. To clarify, I always thought of these guys a my brothers.
Zeph texts Drae and says he is almost home. Jon freaks out saying I need to put my shoes on...because not only does the Laspenis have a back fetish, but he also has a foot fetish!
Too much grody to be true. I wanted to see if they were right so as Zeph walks in I prop my bare feet up on the table. He immediately looks at them.
"Foot fetish?" I ask.
"You told her!?" He yells at Jon.
"Bruh, you're licking your lips and starring at my feet. No one had to say anything ya weirdo." I said to him.
He tried explaining it wasnt a fetish, but I dared him to lick my feet. He almost did until I told him it wasn't free. I said that because I was freaked and didn't believe he actually did have a fetish. Luckily for me he was broke. I made sure to keep shoes on and a backpack near by when I was around him after that. More on this odd story to come.
Love, A Schizophrenic

The day after

I recently restarted "blogging" again. It has been since summer that I really posted much, but I picked it up again Christmas Eve. I try to write when I'm healthy and not busy.
To catch up, I FINALLY graduated from my undergrad. I will begin a masters in the fall. This degree for music performance.
There has been some drama these past few months thats been eating away at me. I try to avoid it, but.....roommates...friends....college
A friend of mine, Maggie, was quite the entertainer these past months. She lived off campus and had several parties at her place. Some of which I went to. One in particular is when everything really started.
It was still summer and we had just gone swimming at a friend's boss's place. I noticed this guy that was there getting aaaaaall up on me in the pool...to be fair we were playing dog pile. Being a rugger, I found my self lifting guys and throwing them before they could jump on me. It was funny. They expected me to be a flower because im a girl... Anyway, this guy, Zephry, got to where he wouldn't try to tackle anyone but me. He began following me even if I didn't have the ball. At 1 point I even got out of the pool and he followed while everyone stayed in. To clarify, Zephry wasn't being hateful...just clingy. I grabbed my phone and went to the bathroom in the bath house. Luckily, he got the hint and didn't follow. I went ahead and showered off and changed into dry clothes. When I got out Zephry was talking rather intensely to another guy named Jon who had also been playing in the pool. They both glanced at me as I walked by to Maggie and Drae as they got out of the hot tub. "Party at my place? We can order pizza." Maggie asked. Sounded good to me. Everyone else got changed as I went inside to hair dry my locks.
Drae drove us all to Maggie's. Somehow along the way Zeph and I started picking at each other. I was in the front passenger seat so I couldn't see his face, but apparently he got upset. Soon he threatened to fight me. I never back down from a fight. Drae didn't stop the car so there was no fight.
When we got back to Maggies, she ordered the pizzas while Jon and Zeph went to buy drinks. "What was his problem in the car?" I asked Drae about Zeph...who we also called Laspenis for certain reasons. "Ah, don't worry about him. He's a baby sometimes. Probably upset with Jon and took it out on you."
"Then why'd the go to the store together?"
"I don't know. They've been weird lately."
Before I could ask Drae what he meant, his phone rang. "It's Amber." He walked away to speak to his gf on the phone.
I handed Maggie a few bucks for pizza when she came back in. "Do you know whats up with Jon and the Laspenis?" I asked her.
"I know some, but am not at leisure to say."
I was kinda pissed that everyone was keeping me in the dark. I'm a part of this friend group too, but I didn't want to be too forceful.
When the drinks got back, we all plopped on the couch and found a movie to watch. I tried to sit next to Drae because we make funny comments to each other during movies, but Amber called again. I ended up being sandwiched next to Jon and Zeph. The pizzas got there about 10 minutes after we started the movie. Jon slouched over with his head on my shoulder exclaiming, "I don't wanna get up! Candacè will you bring me some pizza?"
"Nah bitch. Get up off me." I stood up and walked into the kitchen. The Laspenis was freaking out because the pizza guy didn't bring forks....for pizza.
So nothing super juicy yet. I'll finish telling about this hopefully tomorrow.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas to everyone.

That time again

Today was the 1st time in a long time I've caved and thought about suicide. Think about it. Now? It'd be days before anyone noticed.
I'm not important enough for anyone to invite over. I have nothing much to offer and don't even have a car. People don't care enough to use 5 bucks on me or enough to make a last minute extra spot at their table. I try asking people, but the shut me up by explaining their plans. This isnt a Christmas thing. I've brushed it off too long now. This is an all the time thing. I had to beg people into hanging out with me on my birthday. What have I done so bad that my friends don't want to be near me? Am I too much? Too loud? Too weird? Too annoying? Too poor? Do I smell bad? Am I too ugly? Unimportant? Am I really that bad of a person? Someone please tell me because I am tired of being so lonely, over looked, and forgotten, all the time. Really, I'll change whatever it is and I'm sorry if its something I chose? I'm too pathetic. I had dreams of being somebody one day and I've fought to make those dreams a reality. Today I realized that I am further from that dream than when I began. No one will notice and no one will care.