No one

I really try to not seek all the attention. In a large crowd, I am normally the one off to the side or in a corner. I prefer having a few close friends over having several not so close ones. However, I do like to have as many close friends as possible. The issue with that? People scare me. I've always felt like an outsider. I'm the one that people easily forget about. I don't want to be forgotten about, but I don't want people to notice me too much. Its hard to explain.
Anyway, What I have noticed the past week or so is that my close friends don't seem to be that close anymore. They don't seem to be that close to me or each other. 2 of them I don't want to be close because they just cause drama when they're together. That has nothing to do with anything though. I just wanted to get that off my chest. I had a bit of a break down the other day and I'm pretty sure the 1 only stayed with me because he felt like I forced him to. I don't think he actually cared about me. I'm pretty sure that he just didn't want to look like a bad person. The other 2 didn't help that much either. They stayed with me after friend #1 had to leave. Friend #2 preached at me and basically told me I have a demon attached to me. Basically this person said I need to draw closer to God like she has.Friend #3 could barely get a word in because of it. All I needed was to tell them what was going on in my head. If I can just tell someone about it it helps me feel better. Then, they would just need to distract me so that I don't do something bad. They didn't even notice the cuts on my arm. Friend #1 didn't even act like it was a big deal. To me, a good friend would have said something along the lines of "Call me if you feel like you have to do that." A good friend would have noticed that I was clawing of skin on the back of my hand. Good friends notice these things an help each other. I know that this world is a cruel place so I guess I really am asking too much.
Today I missed rehearsal. I managed to get some kind of bug or something. They had to notice I wasn't there, but I guess not...or they just don't care. Either way, they didn't care. Did they text me to see how I was feeling? Nope. Did friend number 1 ask me if I feel any better even after I texted him and asked him when he was sick? Of course not. They won't notice anything. I already didn't care too much for myself, but I thought maybe they would. I suppose I was wrong. If I don't care and they don't care then this blade does belong in my skin. I thought the voices telling me that I am worthless were lying, but it seems as if they are true.
I'm sorry if I seem childish. I'm just tired of people not caring. I normally do things for myself and handle my life by myself, but I need a hand every once in a while just like everyone else. I'm usually the one willing to give the hand. I notice people helping their friends all the time. I notice people helping others with more "visible" disorders all the time. Where is my little bit of help when I need it? Go jump off a bridge.
                                                                Sincerely, A Schizophrenic

Just pray it all away

The other night I was having an extremely rough time. I wanted to talk to my friends and just explain to them somethings that I was going through. I just wanted to someone to listen to what was going on in my head. If I could tell them things that the voices were saying, then somehow it would make me feel better. All my friend did was preach at me.
What I am about to say doesn't mean that I don't believe in the power of prayer. It doesn't mean that I don't believe God heals. I know that he does and I know that prayer works. However, when a person is struggling with mental illness, the last thing they want to hear is "have you prayed about it?" or "I'm praying for you. Just try to ignore it." We don't tell those things to cancer patients or people with heart disease. We don't tell diabetics to not take there medication because they should be okay if they just pray. If your anxiety and depression is situational and not chemical, then maybe prayer will work for you. It is probably your best bet. God has given us the intelligence to make medication for these things. Why not use it? I'm not saying that God won't heal you, but I'm also not saying that he will...at least here on Earth. If that were the case then my mom wouldn't have died from Lupus and my grandfather wouldn't have been eaten away by Cancer. So next time, try being a human being. Help that person. I simply needed a distraction not a preacher.
                                                                           Love, a Schizophrenic

Changes starting with me

So some events tonight led me to the realization of something. I'm not as close to God as I thought. My friends and I were going to get some food and she started telling me what God has been doing for her lately. She was telling me of some of the blessings he is giving her and also some things he helped her realize. I realized I want to be close to God how she is. I want him to show me things too. I want him to comfort me like that. It isn't that he isn't with me or wanting to get closer. It is that I got comfortable. I was okay with our relationship. I was the one not wanting to get any closer. I've decided to make some changes. The 1st change is that I am now giving 100% of me to God. I am his. Every single part of me belongs to him. My mind, my soul, my heart, my body, my finances, my abilities, and anything else he has given me I give to him. Right now. Change #2 is resisting the sins that I commit daily. It isn't easy by no means. With God it is possible thought. Change number 3 is some prioritizing. I'm not allowing myself to be abused by people any longer. I'm putting some space between me and certain individuals that take me for granted. If they come back, then alright. If not, then bye felicia. Thats my life today.
                                                                      Love, a new person.

They can't understand

I've written several entries intended to help friends and families of those with mental illness understand what it is the loved one is experiencing. These entries bled into trying to understand where families are coming from. From there, they went to tips for the family and friends. Today I realized something. They will never understand.
I met with a friend today. He asked me how my schizophrenia is going and if it interferes much with my classes. Of course it does. It interferes with everything that I do. I told him that 99% of the time when I am speaking to someone, there voice isn't the only one that I'm hearing. He asked if my psychiatrist gave me any tips or exercises to help me focus. That is actually a really good question. If anyone has an answer, I would so love to hear it. I told him that I was just handed medicine. His response was that he doesn't think medicine helps all that much. He said he thinks that it helps, but maybe not as much as we would like for it to. In a sense, I agree. I tried to tell him my reasoning on why I did't agree as much, but he ends to cut people off sometimes and he isn't usually able to speak for long because he is a very busy person. I realized that it didn't matter what I told him. It didn't matter if I told him I was on my way to Broughton before I had a medicine that worked well. It didn't matter. People can't understand. It is impossible. I'M SCHIZOPHRENIC AND I DON'T EVEN ALWAYS UNDERSTAND!!! It is so impossible. This lack of understanding isn't the problem. It is the lack of an attempt. Just because you may not be able to understand 100% doesn't mean you can't at least a little bit. That little bit will mean the world to someone once you try. I don't even know what I'm saying anymore.
Ya wanna know something funny? I gave my friends a link to my blog and they said that they would read it. I don't do things for attention, I promise. I just kinda thought to myself after I came to my senses last night that they would say something. I thought they would notice my cuts even though I did my best to hide them. I wasn't in my right mind last night. It was rough. Tonight is rough too, but not as bad. At least not yet. The funny thing is that no one notices either.
                                                                       Love, a Schizophrenic

No one ever cares

No one ever cares. They never have and they never will. Maybe they do for each other, but not me. I see you and I've told you all I know to say, but one of us doesn't get it. You brush it off and move alone. You hurt me. Everyday. You. hurt. me. Do you care? No. Because everything is always about you. You realized that you don't have to tell me yes. You know that you have me wrapped around your finger. When I ask for help, if you do help, you throw in my face later. Or you're too tired or soooo sleepy. You feel like crap. You get mad when people tell you what is good for you. You get mad when you are told things you need to hear. You're looking for justification that you won't find. I've been here from the beginning. You say you need something. I'm here. I'm willing to give it to you, but you don't want it. Then, you continue to ask me for help. You continue to talk to me about your problems. I can't go to you for any of mine because either its about you or you don't understand. I thought I could wait for you to figure it out, but you never will. You and the amount of people that have told me that I am a terrible person today are the reasons there is so much blood on my floor and knife. Mainly you. Them I can deal with, but you? I want all or nothing yet I am wrapped like a pretty little ribbon around your finger and because I am an idiot, I can't seem to unwrap myself. I want it, but I don't because you don't care. I do and thats why I can't let go, You are so stupid, careless, self centered, immature, arrogant, naive, young, rebellious, and what ever else. You are just as bad a person as I am. You really don't care who you hurt? At least not me. Maybe her because "If I wasn't (stupid excuse) she'd be the one I'd pick." What happened to my feelings? Why did she even tell you that? What a....why? No? What is she trying? Why did her telling you that mess with you so bad, but nothing I say matters. You ignore the truth to justify your lie. You only want to speak to like minded people to justify yourself knowing good and well that what everyone else is saying is the truth. Why? You ungrateful, hurtful, douche. I should drain the blood from my wounds and pour it down your throat. Then will you get it? No. Because everything is "so confusing" and always about you. I hope you choke on my blood, but then I'd feel bad. Because, unlike anyone else in your life, I care.
                                                               Love, a schizophrenic

Back into the swing of things....hopefully

This semester has been extremely rough. I'm not gonna lie. The classes are much harder and more demanding, bills are stacking up, and the time between now and graduation is getting shorter. The funny thing is me stressing about graduation, but I still don't know when I'm graduating or even if they'll let me. They might kick me out 1st. I'mm here for a reason though and at least the financial aid office seems to know that so maybe they won't get rid of me too soon.
To take some self loathing and bad stress off myself this year, I've started a new way of thinking. I try to remind myself that life isn't about me. Life is about God and God is good. I also try to remind myself to be nice. I've observed others who seem to be polite and calm to everyone including the people who treat them poorly. How? How do you stumble upon that much self control? How do you have that type of love for the idiots in this world? I know the only way for me to be like that is with God's help because self control and love aren't two things my personality possesses naturally. Those things, to me, are more like buried treasure guarded by dragons, mummies, invisible beings, and poisonous butterflies that eat children and white people for fun. In order to change that I have given myself visual reminders that I read to myself every morning and every evening before bed. On my mirror I have written things that God is and some of the names he has. My favorite ones are Jehovah-Jireh which means "God the provider" and Jehovah- Shammah or "the eternal God." There are so many other good ones. I love El Shaddai, Adonai, Jehovah Nissi, Jehovah Shalom, and Jehovah Rahi. I could go on an on, but I won't. I also wrote off to the side my prayer request that I pray over everyday. Hopefully, having so much of him and so little of me will change things in my mind for the better. I hope that didn't come off as bragging. I just wanted to share an idea. Somethings aren't right in my life, but I think if I keep praying and making mental notes and efforts things will begin to change.
My dilemma coming up now is whether or not to go home for a couple days during spring break or go back to the school after tour and work a few days. I told my parents I'd have a decision by tomorrow assuming they'd be able to drive me back. I don't wanna miss a second with my sym band friends who have basically become my family, but I also don't want to miss opportunities to be with my blood. I rarely get to see them anymore. I love them, but I'm not as close to them as my friends are with their families. Sometimes I am jealous of that, but other times I am glad. I catch myself getting jealous of my friends when they seem to get along so well with their moms. I vaguely remember my mom anymore and me and my step mom don't exactly see eye to eye on things. Our personalities clash if we're together for too long. I need to see my baby sister though. We need to get caught up on some things. Plus, it would be nice to not have to buy groceries for a few days and possible get some laundry done for free. Anyway, I think ima go catch up on The Walking Dead.
Please, everyone,take into consideration the rights and feelings of others in your day to day activities. Be the person that makes the change not the one that makes life worse. Consider other's positions and thoughts. Be patient, kind, and loving.
                                                             Love, a schizophrenic

Its been a minute

It seems like ages since I've made a blog post. Things have been so hectic with work, school, and traveling. I don't even know where to start. This blog was originally intended to be like advice or something on a the topic of mental illness. Now it may be a bit more of a journal too. I'm not that interesting a person I guess so I don't have too much to say. I've said about all on here that I can about my past, but most of it should stay a secret. That is why I don't write about everything in my past on here. So much of it my best best bestest friends don't even know. I don't want them to know what kind of person I was and the things that I did and said to people. Most things on here will be more about my day to day stuff.
I'm struggling with aural skills as usual. How am I supposed to focus on music when I have voices screaming at me? Its the same with all my other classes too. Every voice I hear likes to scream. Maybe thats why I'm not so nice. Because I hear negative things from voices all the time I've started to think like them again. To top it all off, one of my friend groups had a lot of drama and then we got followed by a demon. I struggle to put my contacts in everyday. I don't like glasses. I've had like a trillion compliments from people, mostly guys, since I've started using contacts. I get to play bass sax in our saxophone choir. It is amazing and I love it. A couple people say some rude things to me about doing my jury on it. They think it is stupid and worthless even if it is fun. I think they are just jealous and mad that they weren't offered the opportunity to play it. I did kinda rub it in their faces though by naming the horn after myself....conceded? Maybe on a lottle. Just for fun though. Oh, I don't remember if I wrote about this or not, but my dad almost died over Christmas break. Simple surgery gone terribly wrong. There was so much internal bleeding. The doctors didn't expect him to live, but he made it. Thank God. I don't know what I'd do if I lost anyone else. My great aunt just died, but I don't remember her all that much. It has been maybe 10 years since I'd seen her. She was awesome. A guy at work got fired because he kept saying bad things about me behind my back. The things he said the last time were so bad that no one was comfortable repeating it to me. Whatever. Anyway, thats been my life the past little bit. Laters bruhs and lady bruhs.
                                                                                     Love, A Schizophrenic