I really try to not seek all the attention. In a large crowd, I am normally the one off to the side or in a corner. I prefer having a few close friends over having several not so close ones. However, I do like to have as many close friends as possible. The issue with that? People scare me. I've always felt like an outsider. I'm the one that people easily forget about. I don't want to be forgotten about, but I don't want people to notice me too much. Its hard to explain.
Anyway, What I have noticed the past week or so is that my close friends don't seem to be that close anymore. They don't seem to be that close to me or each other. 2 of them I don't want to be close because they just cause drama when they're together. That has nothing to do with anything though. I just wanted to get that off my chest. I had a bit of a break down the other day and I'm pretty sure the 1 only stayed with me because he felt like I forced him to. I don't think he actually cared about me. I'm pretty sure that he just didn't want to look like a bad person. The other 2 didn't help that much either. They stayed with me after friend #1 had to leave. Friend #2 preached at me and basically told me I have a demon attached to me. Basically this person said I need to draw closer to God like she has.Friend #3 could barely get a word in because of it. All I needed was to tell them what was going on in my head. If I can just tell someone about it it helps me feel better. Then, they would just need to distract me so that I don't do something bad. They didn't even notice the cuts on my arm. Friend #1 didn't even act like it was a big deal. To me, a good friend would have said something along the lines of "Call me if you feel like you have to do that." A good friend would have noticed that I was clawing of skin on the back of my hand. Good friends notice these things an help each other. I know that this world is a cruel place so I guess I really am asking too much.
Today I missed rehearsal. I managed to get some kind of bug or something. They had to notice I wasn't there, but I guess not...or they just don't care. Either way, they didn't care. Did they text me to see how I was feeling? Nope. Did friend number 1 ask me if I feel any better even after I texted him and asked him when he was sick? Of course not. They won't notice anything. I already didn't care too much for myself, but I thought maybe they would. I suppose I was wrong. If I don't care and they don't care then this blade does belong in my skin. I thought the voices telling me that I am worthless were lying, but it seems as if they are true.
I'm sorry if I seem childish. I'm just tired of people not caring. I normally do things for myself and handle my life by myself, but I need a hand every once in a while just like everyone else. I'm usually the one willing to give the hand. I notice people helping their friends all the time. I notice people helping others with more "visible" disorders all the time. Where is my little bit of help when I need it? Go jump off a bridge.
Sincerely, A Schizophrenic
No comments:
Post a Comment