This semester has been extremely rough. I'm not gonna lie. The classes are much harder and more demanding, bills are stacking up, and the time between now and graduation is getting shorter. The funny thing is me stressing about graduation, but I still don't know when I'm graduating or even if they'll let me. They might kick me out 1st. I'mm here for a reason though and at least the financial aid office seems to know that so maybe they won't get rid of me too soon.
To take some self loathing and bad stress off myself this year, I've started a new way of thinking. I try to remind myself that life isn't about me. Life is about God and God is good. I also try to remind myself to be nice. I've observed others who seem to be polite and calm to everyone including the people who treat them poorly. How? How do you stumble upon that much self control? How do you have that type of love for the idiots in this world? I know the only way for me to be like that is with God's help because self control and love aren't two things my personality possesses naturally. Those things, to me, are more like buried treasure guarded by dragons, mummies, invisible beings, and poisonous butterflies that eat children and white people for fun. In order to change that I have given myself visual reminders that I read to myself every morning and every evening before bed. On my mirror I have written things that God is and some of the names he has. My favorite ones are Jehovah-Jireh which means "God the provider" and Jehovah- Shammah or "the eternal God." There are so many other good ones. I love El Shaddai, Adonai, Jehovah Nissi, Jehovah Shalom, and Jehovah Rahi. I could go on an on, but I won't. I also wrote off to the side my prayer request that I pray over everyday. Hopefully, having so much of him and so little of me will change things in my mind for the better. I hope that didn't come off as bragging. I just wanted to share an idea. Somethings aren't right in my life, but I think if I keep praying and making mental notes and efforts things will begin to change.
My dilemma coming up now is whether or not to go home for a couple days during spring break or go back to the school after tour and work a few days. I told my parents I'd have a decision by tomorrow assuming they'd be able to drive me back. I don't wanna miss a second with my sym band friends who have basically become my family, but I also don't want to miss opportunities to be with my blood. I rarely get to see them anymore. I love them, but I'm not as close to them as my friends are with their families. Sometimes I am jealous of that, but other times I am glad. I catch myself getting jealous of my friends when they seem to get along so well with their moms. I vaguely remember my mom anymore and me and my step mom don't exactly see eye to eye on things. Our personalities clash if we're together for too long. I need to see my baby sister though. We need to get caught up on some things. Plus, it would be nice to not have to buy groceries for a few days and possible get some laundry done for free. Anyway, I think ima go catch up on The Walking Dead.
Please, everyone,take into consideration the rights and feelings of others in your day to day activities. Be the person that makes the change not the one that makes life worse. Consider other's positions and thoughts. Be patient, kind, and loving.
Love, a schizophrenic
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