learning to live with schizophrenia, the mighty

Making it through every day life as some one living with schizophrenia can be extremely tough. Going to college....well that can make it more difficult as well. It may even seem impossible at times. 
College is full of opportunity, new experiences, and stressful expectations. When I first arrive to college, I was petrified. It was such a last minute thing for many reasons, had no job yet, I did not know anyone, and I was 6 hours away from home and in another state. I had to get settled on my own. I had to jump through hoops all over this new place just to get registered and financial aid worked out. I needed books too. I had an audition and rehearsals to run to. That sounds like an average beginning, but I was battling against schizophrenia at the time.
My university helped me inform my professors of my needs and helped me find ways to communicate with multiple doctors in multiple states. I was learning to keep myself on a strict daily schedule. I absolutely hated it. I hated fitting medication time in to my schedule. I hated that I took my exams in another room room from the other students. It made me angry that an alternative testing site actually helped in some cases. As a musician, I was frustrated that others could hear without hallucinations. I was embarrassed when I would begin speaking to someone only to realize they were not actually real. There were times I could not see to read music or see the board in class because a hallucination thought it necessary to stand where ever I looked. Professors thought I was unorganized. They thought I did not care because I often forgot things even if I wrote it down.They told me I needed to consider changing my major on several occasions. Many thought it necessary to tell me what was best for me when they had no idea the daily battle I, and several students, were facing. Everyone told me I should go to counseling. They didn't realize I was having as many as 4 psychiatrist/ psychologist visits a week. I hated coming out of a delusion that made think I had been cured or healed only to have to tell people it was just a schizophrenic delusion.  I hated every waking second of being me because of the schizophrenia.
Learning to live with schizophrenia is a process. It is a process that takes time, trial and error, and inhuman amounts of patience. It is something that I still working on. I wanted to write this story to anyone living with or battling against a disorder of any kind. There are going to be times where you hate your disorder. There may be times where you feel so incapable and so excluded from everything and everyone else. I encourage you to push through. Push through your frustrations, hurt, confusion, overwhelms, and obstacles. Be the person that over comes in the face of adversity when no one else can. It will not be easy. It may take much longer than you thought, but keep moving. 
One of the biggest most difficult things for anyone is learning your limits. I had to figure out ways to schedule things so that I was not overwhelmed with life. This meant taking fewer classes and allowing more mental break time. If things aren't working, talk with your therapist to figure out why. Trial and error. Try to be patient with yourself. There were times I would get so angry at myself that I could not function. It all goes back to taking time. Take time for yourself. 
You never have to do something you do not want to do. We've all been in situations where we've felt obligated to do something or go somewhere that was stressful. It is okay to tell others "no." They will survive. I had to learn this the hard way. I had began to run myself ragged and was afraid to stop moving. One day my therapist told me to stop moving for 10 minutes a day. At 1st, I could only stop for 2 minutes, then 5, and so on. During one of my 10 minute stops, I heard music. It was a hallucination, but I decided to write it down. I had been taking aural skills classes so I decided to put it to use. I wrote down what I had heard and then wrote some more. At night, I began to dream in music. I would write it down when I woke up. I'd put all of these musical thoughts together and make compositions of them.  When I am writing or playing music everything stops. Even though those moments are filled with music, those are the quietest moments. Those are the moments that taught me to see the beauty in my imperfections. That was the start of learning to live with schizophrenia instead of fighting against it. 
There are still days where I struggle. There are days where I can't make complete sentences and struggle to remember my name. I still get impatient with myself. I still self harm. I still do a lot of things, but I am learning to be at peace. I am learning to live with rather than fight against schizophrenia.
I hope that the reader will find something that gives them even just a moment of peace. And in that peace, a moment of self love and patience. 
Love, A Schizophrenic

Yesterday before work I found myself wondering around the woods near my house. I found small foot trails and signs of wild animals. It looked as if deer had been running along the paths. I thought it was strange that no laws bind them really. They could go where ever they wanted, but they chose to wonder on that path. I wondered if they'd been the ones to make an keep the path similar to a bird who has memorized the way south for the winter. If so, how many generations had kept that path? Was it recognized by scent or sight? Did they only come through at certain times and did they live near there? I'm sure they venture other places too. I'm sure they've seen all kinds of sights and smelled all kinds of plants. I wondered what part of their story does that trail belong to.
I then began to consider myself. What if I lived freely as those animals? What if I wondered, but always came home. What if I experienced many things and have seen many sights? What is stopping me and why am I letting it?
Explore.
Take care of yourelves
Be kind to one another
Be free
Love, A Schizophrenic

New Place

Well, I've been at the new place for a couple weeks now. 0 drama and 2 dogs = so much better than the last place. Its a bit more expensive, but not bad. I got a raise at work, but am getting a promotion and another raise soon so thats dope. I just hope thing will get easier somehow. I feel terrible because I've quit tithing and I've quit giving to people in need. I just seem to barely have enough for the necessities every month. I'm lucky the jeep was an easy fix. It kept freakin out and my dash board lite up. Come to find out, the previous owners hooked the electrical for the towing up improperly to the battery. The thing just needed to be rewired. Problem solved.
I got my letter from Lee. They're gonna give me a chance at grad school. I just have to afford an alto for lessons....and books...and tuition.I have no idea how this is going to work. I wasn't sure from the beginning, but I kept going anyway. I know God will work it out. He always does.
Keep fighting. Take care of yourselves and each other.
Love, A Schizophrenic

moved out

I moved out and the dramatic roomie didn't seem to happy. The new place is nice and is in the process of being fixed up. It is my 1st night here. It doesn't feel like home yet even though I have got things hung around my room. Its temporary. I'm just tired of feeling alone. I'm so far away from my family, i don't live with people I am super close to. I want a home and maybe even a man to build and share that home with.
Be kind
Love, A Schizophrenic

Notre Dome Cathedral

My heart really goes out to those in Paris. My heart goes out to all who know what the cathedral means and all it was home to. It represents unbelievable things. The building obviously means a lot to Catholicism and Christianity. It was also where western music began. Leonin and Perotin began polyphony there. The acoustics were great because of the sharp angles. Chori Spezzati techniques along with the massive organ made music fill the air. There was artwork on the walls and sculptures everywhere. The architecture is art its self that can ever be replaced. I do not believe that we can recreate the architecture and it hold the same value as that that had been there for centuries. Those walls have seen more history than almost anything else on earth. It was touching to see the videos of the people gathered singing Ave Maria while standing in the streets watching the beloved building go up in flames. I am saddened that I never got to see it in person. I have several friends that have and they continue to share the pictures. Flames may have taken parts of the building, but it will always be remembered and honored as a sacred place. Thank God that the fire did not spread and consume more than it did. Thank you to the fire fighters and other emergency workers/ clean up crews who are doing everything they can to preserve, contain, and clean.
Pray for one another.
Kyrie Elesin,
Love, a hurting musician

roomie drama

So, about a month and a half ago my roommate asked me to move out. She said that they do not know whether or not they are going to renew the lease, but they want me to leave at the end of it. She said it is because I have a negative energy and our personalities clash. Legally, they couldn't actually make me leave. I told my friend, Tim, this and he actually went to her and asked her if she had actually tried to solve any of it. Of course not, and she also didn't want to talk about it. The other housemate said that the girl's MOM....HER MOM..... doesn't think she should be living with me....
This roommate has everyting paid for by her parents. Her rent, her schooling, her books, her gas, her hone, her food, any and all bills are paid for by her parents. Any drama she creates she calls her mom and acts pitiful an her mom actually deals with it. Her mom has called our band director and tried to drag him in on her drama. This girl has unfriended her best friend (she still wants this girl to move in so that she doesn't have to fill more than 2 spots in the house) because SHE made her friend cry. She made her friend cry, didn't know how to deal with it, and refused to talk to her for a month. Everyone knows the friend didn't deserve that.
So NOW everyone else in the house is moving out leaving my roommate ad her mommy to solve the problem and pay for everything themselves because mommy doesn't want her to move because it isn't "safe." THEN she asked me to stay a couple days on an extended lease to help clean.....
ABSOLUTELY NOOOOOOT!!!!!!!!! I will be moved out BEFORE the lease is up. I will clean up after MYSELF since lil miss drama only does what is beneficial to her, I will do the same and let her have a taste of her own medicine. I have been graceful during all of this. But, I've decided to let the last blow be the knock out and call it quits. I'll clean my stuff and give them the money for my last month of utilities, but I aint helping more than that. I AM DONE.
Take care of yourselves when the time is right.
Love, A Scizophrenic

ups and downs

Today was a day. I went to a park and walked. I climbed on some rocks and took pictures. Then I went with my friend to the old woolen mill to get some coffee and climb on more things and take more pictures. The adventure ended with dinner with 2 friends and a walk around campus. It was chill. I will probably stay home tomorrow because I need to save my gas and money... because I am going to surprise my dad in NC this weekend! He has like 0 idea. Its gonna be great. My step mom said she's get us a hotel to stay in, but that kinda worries me. Like, what if she decides not to and tells us not to come? What if its on the other side of the mountain and it cost a lot of gas to go back and forth? I only have so much money. I suggested my friend and I just stay in the basement of the church, but she insisted. I didn't want to cost anyone anything. I just wanted to visit.
I worry a lot. How much in life is purely good? Like, have you ever had a bunch of good things happen in a row in your life? Then you brace for impact because everything that goes up must come down. Like....whats finna happen? What is God cushioning the blow from? OR maybe he really is just blessing me. IDK
More things to come.
Also, had a birthday recently. I don't feel as old as I am, and according to others I look a lot younger so thats nice.
Anyway, take care of yourselves and be kind.
Love, A Schizophrenic.