If there is anything the past month has taught me, it is that I am an idiot. I am so stupid to ever thing that anything would ever work out for me. Why didn't I listen? Because I AM FUCKING RETARDED! I always mess everything up and am sooooo stupid!
I forced God's hand when I bought the jeep. Now it needs work and I can't afford it. I fooled myself into thinking that because I prayed over this not so smart thing, that it would be okay. I convinced myself that because I prayed for God to be in it that it would be okay. I prayed and blessed the house I am living in and my roommates and how I have to leave. I was so stupid to think that good things could ever go be for me. I forced God's hand in going to college and in graduating. I got the degree I shouldn't have got and did I use it? NO! Because I thought there was something better out there for me. Why? Because I am an idiot! I should have just settled to teach. I would have been unhappy, but at least I could afford a place to live, but nooooooo! I just had to think I could do something amazing and earn a masters. I probably won't even get accepted. BECAUSE I AM AN IDIOT!!!!! I should have killed myself a looooong time ago..oh wait! I tried! But guess what? I failed because I am so stupid!
Having a decent and affordable place to live is too much for me. Why would I ever think something like that could ever happen to me? Why would I ever think that I could be able to afford to do laundry or pay my own bills? Why did I ever think I'd have a nice car and everything would be okay? Why did I think people wanted to be my friend? Because I am an idiot!
What ever
A Schizophrenic
Wednesday, March 27, 2019
Friday, March 15, 2019
Independence is weird
I haven't posted anything in a couple weeks. To catch up, I finally got contracted through VIPKID. I haven't taught a class yet, but I will get there. My hours have picked back up at work which is great because..........
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.........
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I BOUGHT A JEEP WRANGLER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It was a total God thing in so many ways. He provided financially and just had perfect timing with things. He answered prayers in multiple ways and I cannot thank him enough. Now, if I need to go some where I can. I have to remind myself I do not need to ask for a ride. I can go when ever I want. It feels kinda weird.
The bad news, my roomie told me I have negative energy and wants me to move out at the end of the lease....which her name isn't even on. Something about her parents don't think I'm healthy to live with. She refuses to talk about it. The other roommate is too much of a follower to say anything. When I asked them what it was I had done, she 1 just said "You have a negative energy. I have to do whats best for me." I really could say a lot about her, but I don't want to be that person right now. All I know is she really can't make me move. Thats the landlord's decision. Not hers. I'm trying to be civil, but another friend asked how much the roommate has done to fix the problem. They, once again, refused to talk about it. What ever.
Take care of yourselves and help each other. Learn from one another, fix problems, and build each other up.
Love, A Schizophrenic
..........
.........
........
I BOUGHT A JEEP WRANGLER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It was a total God thing in so many ways. He provided financially and just had perfect timing with things. He answered prayers in multiple ways and I cannot thank him enough. Now, if I need to go some where I can. I have to remind myself I do not need to ask for a ride. I can go when ever I want. It feels kinda weird.
The bad news, my roomie told me I have negative energy and wants me to move out at the end of the lease....which her name isn't even on. Something about her parents don't think I'm healthy to live with. She refuses to talk about it. The other roommate is too much of a follower to say anything. When I asked them what it was I had done, she 1 just said "You have a negative energy. I have to do whats best for me." I really could say a lot about her, but I don't want to be that person right now. All I know is she really can't make me move. Thats the landlord's decision. Not hers. I'm trying to be civil, but another friend asked how much the roommate has done to fix the problem. They, once again, refused to talk about it. What ever.
Take care of yourselves and help each other. Learn from one another, fix problems, and build each other up.
Love, A Schizophrenic
Sunday, March 3, 2019
What hollywood doesn't tell you
I was diagnosed with schizophrenia at age 17. Before that and since then I have had more psych ward stays than I can count. Each stay is terrifying for its own reason.
The first few are obviously frightening because it is something new and at this point you probably still don't believe that anything is wrong with you. You go to the ER. They check you in and get a psych consult from an on call doctor making rounds to 4 or 5 other counties before getting to you. Once that's over they either send you home or find a room for you somewhere. The next part of the process was a little different for me in some ways the 1st time I was admitted because I was a minor at the time. Once they find a bed( this may take weeks) you get a room. They run you through their security. No jewelry, shoe laces, underwire bras, shorts with drawstrings, and no electronic devices. Once your in you get a nice set of paper scrubs to last you until whoever can bring you clothes and hygiene items.
While you're there they walk you around and show you everything. They explain all the rules. Yes, padded rooms exist and Thorazine is still a thing. I would know. You are taken to your room and shown where you can put you things. Sometimes you have your own room and other times you do not. They give you a copy of the daily schedule and your doctors' names. You do one on one therapy and see a psychiatrist. The wards also have social workers come in especially if you are a minor. There is usually at least 1 phone and multiple opportunities to use it throughout the day. Televisions, books,and games are commonly available as well.
Okay.....why am I telling you all this? Many people refuse to get help because they're afraid they will get carted of and locked away forever. That isn't how things work. Most of these places keep you no longer than a couple weeks, but more are out in a week or less. State mental institutions are different stories that I can write about later. I know all of this sounds terrifying, but understand these places are there to help you! I was to afraid to sleep the 1st time I was in a youth ward. I was experiencing hallucinations....bad ones. The doctor told me to write down anytime a voice told me to hurt someone or myself. I told him that I cannot write that fast. He helped me come up with ways to deal with it until the medication took affect. I went to lie back down. A couple hours later I was hearing things coming from my bathroom and seeing things. I thought someone was hiding in my shower. I quickly got up and walked out the door. I made my way to the nurses station. They asked me what was wrong and I told them that someone was in my room. The security guard immediately went to check it out while the nurse gave me water and some crackers. They legitimately wanted to help me. I've had other incidents as well in adult wards.
I write all of this to tell you that you don't need to be afraid to get help. I wish I had someone to walk me through the process when it first happened to me. It is a long process, but usually a helpful one. If you think you or someone you know needs help do not be afraid of being "locked away." Most places genuinely want to help you.
Take care of your selves and each other.
Love, A Schizophrenic
The first few are obviously frightening because it is something new and at this point you probably still don't believe that anything is wrong with you. You go to the ER. They check you in and get a psych consult from an on call doctor making rounds to 4 or 5 other counties before getting to you. Once that's over they either send you home or find a room for you somewhere. The next part of the process was a little different for me in some ways the 1st time I was admitted because I was a minor at the time. Once they find a bed( this may take weeks) you get a room. They run you through their security. No jewelry, shoe laces, underwire bras, shorts with drawstrings, and no electronic devices. Once your in you get a nice set of paper scrubs to last you until whoever can bring you clothes and hygiene items.
While you're there they walk you around and show you everything. They explain all the rules. Yes, padded rooms exist and Thorazine is still a thing. I would know. You are taken to your room and shown where you can put you things. Sometimes you have your own room and other times you do not. They give you a copy of the daily schedule and your doctors' names. You do one on one therapy and see a psychiatrist. The wards also have social workers come in especially if you are a minor. There is usually at least 1 phone and multiple opportunities to use it throughout the day. Televisions, books,and games are commonly available as well.
Okay.....why am I telling you all this? Many people refuse to get help because they're afraid they will get carted of and locked away forever. That isn't how things work. Most of these places keep you no longer than a couple weeks, but more are out in a week or less. State mental institutions are different stories that I can write about later. I know all of this sounds terrifying, but understand these places are there to help you! I was to afraid to sleep the 1st time I was in a youth ward. I was experiencing hallucinations....bad ones. The doctor told me to write down anytime a voice told me to hurt someone or myself. I told him that I cannot write that fast. He helped me come up with ways to deal with it until the medication took affect. I went to lie back down. A couple hours later I was hearing things coming from my bathroom and seeing things. I thought someone was hiding in my shower. I quickly got up and walked out the door. I made my way to the nurses station. They asked me what was wrong and I told them that someone was in my room. The security guard immediately went to check it out while the nurse gave me water and some crackers. They legitimately wanted to help me. I've had other incidents as well in adult wards.
I write all of this to tell you that you don't need to be afraid to get help. I wish I had someone to walk me through the process when it first happened to me. It is a long process, but usually a helpful one. If you think you or someone you know needs help do not be afraid of being "locked away." Most places genuinely want to help you.
Take care of your selves and each other.
Love, A Schizophrenic
Sunday, February 24, 2019
They aren't gonna lock you away
Many of us know people who are afraid to get help with their mental health. It was frightening for me at 1st too. I've recently had several conversations with multiple people regarding their fears of visiting a psychologist. Many are afraid that they will be carted off and locked away. They think that they are so beyond help that someone would rather throw them in a pit than speak to them an hour a week.This cannot be further from the truth. I wanted to shed some light on the process and hopefully settle some fears for a few folks. Let me tell you about my experience with getting help the 1st time.
I was about 12 years old. Some rough things had happened in my family and a friend of my brother had try o do things to me that no one should do to a child...or anyone else for that matter. My father did the best he knew to do. Over the next couple weeks he started taking me to see a therapist. I've seen a therapist pretty much every week since then. I've had different ones because my family moved around quite a bit. Never have any of them told me I was too gone to help. Usually on the first day, you do some simple intake forms. These forms have basic questions that help the psychologist learn more about you so they can help more. The forms ask questions about your mood, any diagnosis you may have, and about your thoughts of yourself. Then you go and speak to your psychiatrist. If you are a minor, they may speak with you and your guardian or just your guardian 1st. After a couple weeks the "get to know you" stuff is pretty much out of the way and you are really able to start talking more by then. Your psychiatrist will help you figure out ways to cope with things. Self harm is a big thing I struggle with and it took a long time for my psychologist and I to figure out strategies. Several times I walked into the office with slices and bruises up my arms. My therapist never once "locked me away." She did ask me if I needed to go to a hospital and when I said "no" she asked me to sign a paper promising I wouldn't harm myself any worse within the next week. There were times when I broke down and said "yes." My therapist said "okay" then called the front desk to have them escort my father to the room. From there we were able to work out a way for me to get more help. I have had more than my fair share of time in psych wards as well. A friend of my recently attempted to "run away" because they found out their family was considering taking them to a hospital to get help.
For many of us, that is how the story starts. One day you think everyone around you has lost their minds and the next day you find yourself wearing non slip socks and talking in group therapy. Some people ask me if the wards really are like the movies. That's an understandable question. How is one to know if they've never been? I begin by explaining there are a few different types of wards. There are youth psych wards for people under the age of 18. I've been to several of them. 1st, there is a physical exam. They mark down every scar, bruise, burn, and scratch. They take your shoes (you can strangle yourself with the laces.) Some make you remove the underwire of your bra. You can do some deep stabbing with those things. You remove all piercings and jewelry and even the draw string of your pjs. All these things are placed in a bag for you that you get back at the end of your stay. Your days are scheduled out on a white board in a common room. Breakfast is usually around 7 or 8 am followed by medicine time. There is usually free time after that. Most people use this time to shower or get dressed. Normal day clothes are usually allowed. You have to check out a razor to shave and return later. Then there is some form of group time. Some places would also have school time and teachers would come in to help. Most places like this have lost funding and are being shut down. You may have a snack time later followed by more medicine time. There are puzzles, books, a tv, and sometimes video games or something to keep people occupied. Some places do outside time. You have to o through security to get in or out so its more of a hassle than its worth sometimes. There are adult wards too. These both usually have patients stay for no more than a week on a voluntary bases. When you leave they help you find a psychiatrist.
Then there are the long term hospitals. If you're from NC like I am then you may have heard of Broughton State Mental Institution. These are more long term places, but the basic idea is the same. Doctors usually do want to help.
Take are of yourselves. Get help if you need it.
Love, A Schizophenic
I was about 12 years old. Some rough things had happened in my family and a friend of my brother had try o do things to me that no one should do to a child...or anyone else for that matter. My father did the best he knew to do. Over the next couple weeks he started taking me to see a therapist. I've seen a therapist pretty much every week since then. I've had different ones because my family moved around quite a bit. Never have any of them told me I was too gone to help. Usually on the first day, you do some simple intake forms. These forms have basic questions that help the psychologist learn more about you so they can help more. The forms ask questions about your mood, any diagnosis you may have, and about your thoughts of yourself. Then you go and speak to your psychiatrist. If you are a minor, they may speak with you and your guardian or just your guardian 1st. After a couple weeks the "get to know you" stuff is pretty much out of the way and you are really able to start talking more by then. Your psychiatrist will help you figure out ways to cope with things. Self harm is a big thing I struggle with and it took a long time for my psychologist and I to figure out strategies. Several times I walked into the office with slices and bruises up my arms. My therapist never once "locked me away." She did ask me if I needed to go to a hospital and when I said "no" she asked me to sign a paper promising I wouldn't harm myself any worse within the next week. There were times when I broke down and said "yes." My therapist said "okay" then called the front desk to have them escort my father to the room. From there we were able to work out a way for me to get more help. I have had more than my fair share of time in psych wards as well. A friend of my recently attempted to "run away" because they found out their family was considering taking them to a hospital to get help.
For many of us, that is how the story starts. One day you think everyone around you has lost their minds and the next day you find yourself wearing non slip socks and talking in group therapy. Some people ask me if the wards really are like the movies. That's an understandable question. How is one to know if they've never been? I begin by explaining there are a few different types of wards. There are youth psych wards for people under the age of 18. I've been to several of them. 1st, there is a physical exam. They mark down every scar, bruise, burn, and scratch. They take your shoes (you can strangle yourself with the laces.) Some make you remove the underwire of your bra. You can do some deep stabbing with those things. You remove all piercings and jewelry and even the draw string of your pjs. All these things are placed in a bag for you that you get back at the end of your stay. Your days are scheduled out on a white board in a common room. Breakfast is usually around 7 or 8 am followed by medicine time. There is usually free time after that. Most people use this time to shower or get dressed. Normal day clothes are usually allowed. You have to check out a razor to shave and return later. Then there is some form of group time. Some places would also have school time and teachers would come in to help. Most places like this have lost funding and are being shut down. You may have a snack time later followed by more medicine time. There are puzzles, books, a tv, and sometimes video games or something to keep people occupied. Some places do outside time. You have to o through security to get in or out so its more of a hassle than its worth sometimes. There are adult wards too. These both usually have patients stay for no more than a week on a voluntary bases. When you leave they help you find a psychiatrist.
Then there are the long term hospitals. If you're from NC like I am then you may have heard of Broughton State Mental Institution. These are more long term places, but the basic idea is the same. Doctors usually do want to help.
Take are of yourselves. Get help if you need it.
Love, A Schizophenic
ways to avoid self harm
I realize lately I have been posting more about myself and less about things that deal with mental health/ schizophrenia. I wanted to post about self harm again because I think it is big issue many people in society face today.
Many things can trigger self harm, command hallucinations, or thoughts of suicide. Some people are especially subject to severe mood changes due to certain brain disorders. You know this if you are living with bipolar disorder, major depressive disorder, or any of the schizoid disorders. There are several others as well. Weather conditions, lack of sunlight, little or too much human interaction can also be factors that lead someone's mind to self harm/ suicidal thoughts. Some even have command hallucinations that tell them to do things they may not want to do....or if your kinda bad off, you may not know you don't wan to do those things until its too late. So...how can we tell if we're at a place where these may be thoughts popping into someone else's mind? What do we do if that person is ourselves?
Really you can never really know what is going on in someones mind unless they tell you. Sometimes, they will not tell you verbally. It may be in small actions here or there. Look for the person not eating, not showering, or forcing themselves to vomit even. All of those are forms of self harm. It isn't just hitting yourself or cutting yourself. If that's you then you need to get help. Find someone you trust and let them help you. You aren't going to be carted off and locked away for ever. You can go see a therapist without being institutionalized. The therapist can help you deal with the symptom (self harm) and try and find a cause in the mean time. It may be that life is rough, it may be depression and you may have to go to a psychiatrist for medical help. Once again, they aren't going to cart you off unless they deem you a danger to yourself or others. Even then you'll go to a ward and stay a week and then go home. I can write about this later.
What I do when I feel myself slipping to that place again? I treat the symptom until I can identify and correct the cause. I go outside, I play saxophone, paint, play video games, watch a movie, play sports, calla friend. Do something to keep your mind going in a positive direction until you can identify and treat the cause.
Please, tell someone if you or someone you know may be dealing with self harm or thoughts of suicide.
Take care of yourselves and take care of each other.
Love, A Schizophrenic.
Many things can trigger self harm, command hallucinations, or thoughts of suicide. Some people are especially subject to severe mood changes due to certain brain disorders. You know this if you are living with bipolar disorder, major depressive disorder, or any of the schizoid disorders. There are several others as well. Weather conditions, lack of sunlight, little or too much human interaction can also be factors that lead someone's mind to self harm/ suicidal thoughts. Some even have command hallucinations that tell them to do things they may not want to do....or if your kinda bad off, you may not know you don't wan to do those things until its too late. So...how can we tell if we're at a place where these may be thoughts popping into someone else's mind? What do we do if that person is ourselves?
Really you can never really know what is going on in someones mind unless they tell you. Sometimes, they will not tell you verbally. It may be in small actions here or there. Look for the person not eating, not showering, or forcing themselves to vomit even. All of those are forms of self harm. It isn't just hitting yourself or cutting yourself. If that's you then you need to get help. Find someone you trust and let them help you. You aren't going to be carted off and locked away for ever. You can go see a therapist without being institutionalized. The therapist can help you deal with the symptom (self harm) and try and find a cause in the mean time. It may be that life is rough, it may be depression and you may have to go to a psychiatrist for medical help. Once again, they aren't going to cart you off unless they deem you a danger to yourself or others. Even then you'll go to a ward and stay a week and then go home. I can write about this later.
What I do when I feel myself slipping to that place again? I treat the symptom until I can identify and correct the cause. I go outside, I play saxophone, paint, play video games, watch a movie, play sports, calla friend. Do something to keep your mind going in a positive direction until you can identify and treat the cause.
Please, tell someone if you or someone you know may be dealing with self harm or thoughts of suicide.
Take care of yourselves and take care of each other.
Love, A Schizophrenic.
I Passed!
I passed my mock class last night! No wall I have to do is submit background check things(done that) and finish my teacher profile (in progress.) I am so happy and excited. Its gonna make things easier as far as money goes.
The other thing I really want to get worked out soon is a car. There is nice jeep that I am looking at but everyone seems to be against me getting a jeep. I know they can be pricey and have some problems, but I love em and want one so bad!I really hope financing for it goes well especially now that it may be easier to pay for with the vipkid bookings.
I'm still waiting for the mighty to publish my stories and I am still practicing to make sure I get accepted for a masters. We'll see how all this goes.
Take care of yourselves.
Love, A Schizophrenic.
The other thing I really want to get worked out soon is a car. There is nice jeep that I am looking at but everyone seems to be against me getting a jeep. I know they can be pricey and have some problems, but I love em and want one so bad!I really hope financing for it goes well especially now that it may be easier to pay for with the vipkid bookings.
I'm still waiting for the mighty to publish my stories and I am still practicing to make sure I get accepted for a masters. We'll see how all this goes.
Take care of yourselves.
Love, A Schizophrenic.
Today I had ANOTHER mock class. It seemed to go better than any of the others so I hope they contract me. I need some more money. Also, a student of mine cancelled their lesson yesterday, but paid me anyway so that was nice. I've also sold 3 painting this past week. Also nice. Now I need to sale some more. I do want to share story though. This happened earlier today.
So, I'm on my way back from practicing and it starts raining. I have a bright yellow umbrella that my school gave me when I graduated and I laid it over my shoulder so it could keep my saxophone case dry. Thats really whats important. I get behind one of the older buildings on the edge of campus as I am making my way home and I see the creek near by rising. I think nothing of it at first. Then I get closer. I have to cross over a small bridge to get to where I live and there is this guy standing underneath. Well, he is really crouching because its really small. He is standing there with a fishing rod while water is rushing by him. I asked him if he was catchin much. He laughed and said no. Said that he was just tying to catch all the fucks he ran out of today. lol How long had he been waiting there for someone to pass by?
Anyway,stay safe out there. That waters getting high.
Take care of yourselves and work hard.
Love, A Schizophrenic.
So, I'm on my way back from practicing and it starts raining. I have a bright yellow umbrella that my school gave me when I graduated and I laid it over my shoulder so it could keep my saxophone case dry. Thats really whats important. I get behind one of the older buildings on the edge of campus as I am making my way home and I see the creek near by rising. I think nothing of it at first. Then I get closer. I have to cross over a small bridge to get to where I live and there is this guy standing underneath. Well, he is really crouching because its really small. He is standing there with a fishing rod while water is rushing by him. I asked him if he was catchin much. He laughed and said no. Said that he was just tying to catch all the fucks he ran out of today. lol How long had he been waiting there for someone to pass by?
Anyway,stay safe out there. That waters getting high.
Take care of yourselves and work hard.
Love, A Schizophrenic.
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