Friend group drama

To sum everything up Zeph has a back and foot fetish AND has a crush on me, Jon won't get off of me and keeps following me now too, and Drae still has his gf freaking out every 3 seconds. I'm still a bit peeved that everyone in the group new zeph secretly liked me, but no one would tell me. I did get some of that anger out when Drae brought out the boxing gloves. I literally beat the crap out of Jon and Zeph laughed because Jon had to shower and change clothes.
Now, video game night #2 happens. The night before, Jon had been whining about some chick he liked but was too much a weiner to tell her. So everyone is like, just tell her. He kept whining like "How do I know if she likes me?" I said that I didn't know because I'm usually bold enough to ask the guy myself. Things got super quiet. Luckily the tacos were done and we all chowed down while playing games. The usual happened. Zeph whined and followed me eveeywhere. Jon was a bitch and kept laying on me and I kept telling him to stop.
A few days later Jon invited me to dinner at steak n shake. We were laughing and talking and things were great. Then he got super quiet and said "I'm just gonna do it." I just sat there connecting all the dots. "Do you wanna go out with me?" Jon asked.
I didn't know what to do. Part of me knew it wouldn't work and part of me felt bad for the kid. Anyway, I broke up with him like 3 days later because it was just awkward.
Zeph also asked a girl out that night. She told him yes. When he found out I broke up with Jon after what Jon said was a week (was only 3 days) Zephry came to me laughing. You all have to understand. There is an all out pranking brawl happening during all of this. Naturally, Zeph assumes I dated Jon as a prank. To shut that idea down, I gave him a list of all the reasons that relationship wouldn't work. This left Zeph to do some digging of his own.
The next day Drae and Jon tell me the Laspenis went into Jon's room and dug around his stuff. Zeph later tells me what he found. He said he found a book of spells and demonology. He accused Jon of witchcraft. Things go so bad with that and the prank war that Zeph moved out of their apartment and into another.
All was well until about the last week of classes. I'll explain that hopefully tomorrow and get caught up with where things are now.
Don't date people because you feel bad for them and don't be afraid to break things off if you're uncomfortable or unhappy.
Love, A Schizophrenic

Zeph and Jon

So basically both Zeph and Jon were acting really odd around me. Everyone else in the friend group knew why, but would not tell me.
We all sit down with pizza and watch the movie. Drae is still dealing with his girl who always seems to be freaking out. I manage to sit next to Maggie on the couch. Its 1 of those wrap around couches and we're near the edge. BOTH Jon and Zeph sit to my left with the excuse of "we want to be near the pizza." Jon keeps laying back on me so I got up and moved to Maggie's right. A few minutes later I go get more pizza. I sit down and Zeph follows to sit next to me. Drae finally joins us and thank God he fits between me and Zephry.
After the movie we all go home and Maggie comes to visit at my apartment. She was getting ready to move in in a month so she brought a few things with her. As she is unpacking, I finally manage to squeeze some of the truth out of her. "Zeph didn't want me to tell you, but he's liked you for a while now. At least a couple months." Maggie said. I was kinda mad because she knew something that involved me, but didn't think I had a right to know. "He said you have a nice...back." She explained.
"What? He has a back fetish?" I asked and she confirmed.
It was freaky. I knew he was a little creepy, but geez.
The next day Jon invited me for a video game night at their place. Btw, Jon, Drae, and Zeph all lived together at this point.
I got over and we chow down on burgers and chips while playing fortnite. Jon keeps layin on me and I have to tell him to stop. Drae kept telling him to stop too because he was being a creep. To clarify, I always thought of these guys a my brothers.
Zeph texts Drae and says he is almost home. Jon freaks out saying I need to put my shoes on...because not only does the Laspenis have a back fetish, but he also has a foot fetish!
Too much grody to be true. I wanted to see if they were right so as Zeph walks in I prop my bare feet up on the table. He immediately looks at them.
"Foot fetish?" I ask.
"You told her!?" He yells at Jon.
"Bruh, you're licking your lips and starring at my feet. No one had to say anything ya weirdo." I said to him.
He tried explaining it wasnt a fetish, but I dared him to lick my feet. He almost did until I told him it wasn't free. I said that because I was freaked and didn't believe he actually did have a fetish. Luckily for me he was broke. I made sure to keep shoes on and a backpack near by when I was around him after that. More on this odd story to come.
Love, A Schizophrenic

The day after

I recently restarted "blogging" again. It has been since summer that I really posted much, but I picked it up again Christmas Eve. I try to write when I'm healthy and not busy.
To catch up, I FINALLY graduated from my undergrad. I will begin a masters in the fall. This degree for music performance.
There has been some drama these past few months thats been eating away at me. I try to avoid it, but.....roommates...friends....college
A friend of mine, Maggie, was quite the entertainer these past months. She lived off campus and had several parties at her place. Some of which I went to. One in particular is when everything really started.
It was still summer and we had just gone swimming at a friend's boss's place. I noticed this guy that was there getting aaaaaall up on me in the pool...to be fair we were playing dog pile. Being a rugger, I found my self lifting guys and throwing them before they could jump on me. It was funny. They expected me to be a flower because im a girl... Anyway, this guy, Zephry, got to where he wouldn't try to tackle anyone but me. He began following me even if I didn't have the ball. At 1 point I even got out of the pool and he followed while everyone stayed in. To clarify, Zephry wasn't being hateful...just clingy. I grabbed my phone and went to the bathroom in the bath house. Luckily, he got the hint and didn't follow. I went ahead and showered off and changed into dry clothes. When I got out Zephry was talking rather intensely to another guy named Jon who had also been playing in the pool. They both glanced at me as I walked by to Maggie and Drae as they got out of the hot tub. "Party at my place? We can order pizza." Maggie asked. Sounded good to me. Everyone else got changed as I went inside to hair dry my locks.
Drae drove us all to Maggie's. Somehow along the way Zeph and I started picking at each other. I was in the front passenger seat so I couldn't see his face, but apparently he got upset. Soon he threatened to fight me. I never back down from a fight. Drae didn't stop the car so there was no fight.
When we got back to Maggies, she ordered the pizzas while Jon and Zeph went to buy drinks. "What was his problem in the car?" I asked Drae about Zeph...who we also called Laspenis for certain reasons. "Ah, don't worry about him. He's a baby sometimes. Probably upset with Jon and took it out on you."
"Then why'd the go to the store together?"
"I don't know. They've been weird lately."
Before I could ask Drae what he meant, his phone rang. "It's Amber." He walked away to speak to his gf on the phone.
I handed Maggie a few bucks for pizza when she came back in. "Do you know whats up with Jon and the Laspenis?" I asked her.
"I know some, but am not at leisure to say."
I was kinda pissed that everyone was keeping me in the dark. I'm a part of this friend group too, but I didn't want to be too forceful.
When the drinks got back, we all plopped on the couch and found a movie to watch. I tried to sit next to Drae because we make funny comments to each other during movies, but Amber called again. I ended up being sandwiched next to Jon and Zeph. The pizzas got there about 10 minutes after we started the movie. Jon slouched over with his head on my shoulder exclaiming, "I don't wanna get up! Candacè will you bring me some pizza?"
"Nah bitch. Get up off me." I stood up and walked into the kitchen. The Laspenis was freaking out because the pizza guy didn't bring forks....for pizza.
So nothing super juicy yet. I'll finish telling about this hopefully tomorrow.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas to everyone.

That time again

Today was the 1st time in a long time I've caved and thought about suicide. Think about it. Now? It'd be days before anyone noticed.
I'm not important enough for anyone to invite over. I have nothing much to offer and don't even have a car. People don't care enough to use 5 bucks on me or enough to make a last minute extra spot at their table. I try asking people, but the shut me up by explaining their plans. This isnt a Christmas thing. I've brushed it off too long now. This is an all the time thing. I had to beg people into hanging out with me on my birthday. What have I done so bad that my friends don't want to be near me? Am I too much? Too loud? Too weird? Too annoying? Too poor? Do I smell bad? Am I too ugly? Unimportant? Am I really that bad of a person? Someone please tell me because I am tired of being so lonely, over looked, and forgotten, all the time. Really, I'll change whatever it is and I'm sorry if its something I chose? I'm too pathetic. I had dreams of being somebody one day and I've fought to make those dreams a reality. Today I realized that I am further from that dream than when I began. No one will notice and no one will care.

The Schizophrenia Collection

I've been learning to paint for about a year.or 2 now. The time has come for me to do some projects. While I do not have to the patience nor the concentration to do large works yet, I can do several small ones.
I have decided to paint my hallucinations, emotions, and thoughts.

This is Mary. I've talked about her before. I see her often and she is the main source of my command hallucinations.

 This is not anyone in particular. This hallucination happens when I look at people. Sometimes the split in half and move around. When this happens thwir lips curl weird and their face droops.

 This is a frog man. I see multiple frog people. They come in hundreds and are all different sizes. They crawl on the walls and the ceiling. I am terrified of them.

 This is Used To Be. She is called that because she "used to be a lady" as she says. She doesnt actually speak. She.communicates with me telepathically. She looked like a lady, but changed everytime I saw her. Now she looks like this. She gurgles a lot. She scratches walls and crawls through cracks. She is almost like a puppy because she follows me around. I used to be afraid of her, but she is kinda cool.

This represents darkness over coming beauty. I did a butterfly, but my friends say they see different things. Some see a lake or a city. One even saw a couple hugging.

I have more, but will post them at other times.

Self harm

This topic is tough to talk about because it is different for everyone. Everyone has different reasons and different means of self harm. Some people have a different purpose for it than others too. I am going to talk to the people who do not self harm. Here are some things you need to know.

So you all know, I self harm. Sometimes every day or multiple times a day. I do not recommend it and I acknowledge that it is unhealthy. Mine is inflicted for various reasons. Sometimes command hallucinations or other times an urge. Today my reason was pent up aggression and anger. I did not know what to do with all of that emotion inside. There were other things that went into it, but that was the biggest.

Some people self harm because they want to see their pain. They want to see their emotional pain. It makes it "more real."

Some do it because they honestly think they deserve it. They think they deserve to choke or be beaten or bleed. 

Some do it because hallucinations that are way more real than you'll ever know. 

Others do it to calm down.

Some will do it for attention or to see what it is like. 

The list could.go on for days.

Most people are not going to be honest or up front about their self harm. I have got to where I just tell people the truth when they ask about the cuts on my arms. They never really know how to respond. That and the fact that people dont want to be called crazy will keep people who self harm from telling the truth. 

What to do about it?

Do not treat the person like a child, unless they are and are your child. Do not belittle them or embarrass them. Talk to them. Get them to talk back. Listen, do not respond or interrupt. Let them keep talking. Get them help. Don't you dare not take it seriously. Get them help. Do not overreact. Stay calm, but help them.

Love, A Schizophrenic