moved out

I moved out and the dramatic roomie didn't seem to happy. The new place is nice and is in the process of being fixed up. It is my 1st night here. It doesn't feel like home yet even though I have got things hung around my room. Its temporary. I'm just tired of feeling alone. I'm so far away from my family, i don't live with people I am super close to. I want a home and maybe even a man to build and share that home with.
Be kind
Love, A Schizophrenic

Notre Dome Cathedral

My heart really goes out to those in Paris. My heart goes out to all who know what the cathedral means and all it was home to. It represents unbelievable things. The building obviously means a lot to Catholicism and Christianity. It was also where western music began. Leonin and Perotin began polyphony there. The acoustics were great because of the sharp angles. Chori Spezzati techniques along with the massive organ made music fill the air. There was artwork on the walls and sculptures everywhere. The architecture is art its self that can ever be replaced. I do not believe that we can recreate the architecture and it hold the same value as that that had been there for centuries. Those walls have seen more history than almost anything else on earth. It was touching to see the videos of the people gathered singing Ave Maria while standing in the streets watching the beloved building go up in flames. I am saddened that I never got to see it in person. I have several friends that have and they continue to share the pictures. Flames may have taken parts of the building, but it will always be remembered and honored as a sacred place. Thank God that the fire did not spread and consume more than it did. Thank you to the fire fighters and other emergency workers/ clean up crews who are doing everything they can to preserve, contain, and clean.
Pray for one another.
Kyrie Elesin,
Love, a hurting musician

roomie drama

So, about a month and a half ago my roommate asked me to move out. She said that they do not know whether or not they are going to renew the lease, but they want me to leave at the end of it. She said it is because I have a negative energy and our personalities clash. Legally, they couldn't actually make me leave. I told my friend, Tim, this and he actually went to her and asked her if she had actually tried to solve any of it. Of course not, and she also didn't want to talk about it. The other housemate said that the girl's MOM....HER MOM..... doesn't think she should be living with me....
This roommate has everyting paid for by her parents. Her rent, her schooling, her books, her gas, her hone, her food, any and all bills are paid for by her parents. Any drama she creates she calls her mom and acts pitiful an her mom actually deals with it. Her mom has called our band director and tried to drag him in on her drama. This girl has unfriended her best friend (she still wants this girl to move in so that she doesn't have to fill more than 2 spots in the house) because SHE made her friend cry. She made her friend cry, didn't know how to deal with it, and refused to talk to her for a month. Everyone knows the friend didn't deserve that.
So NOW everyone else in the house is moving out leaving my roommate ad her mommy to solve the problem and pay for everything themselves because mommy doesn't want her to move because it isn't "safe." THEN she asked me to stay a couple days on an extended lease to help clean.....
ABSOLUTELY NOOOOOOT!!!!!!!!! I will be moved out BEFORE the lease is up. I will clean up after MYSELF since lil miss drama only does what is beneficial to her, I will do the same and let her have a taste of her own medicine. I have been graceful during all of this. But, I've decided to let the last blow be the knock out and call it quits. I'll clean my stuff and give them the money for my last month of utilities, but I aint helping more than that. I AM DONE.
Take care of yourselves when the time is right.
Love, A Scizophrenic

ups and downs

Today was a day. I went to a park and walked. I climbed on some rocks and took pictures. Then I went with my friend to the old woolen mill to get some coffee and climb on more things and take more pictures. The adventure ended with dinner with 2 friends and a walk around campus. It was chill. I will probably stay home tomorrow because I need to save my gas and money... because I am going to surprise my dad in NC this weekend! He has like 0 idea. Its gonna be great. My step mom said she's get us a hotel to stay in, but that kinda worries me. Like, what if she decides not to and tells us not to come? What if its on the other side of the mountain and it cost a lot of gas to go back and forth? I only have so much money. I suggested my friend and I just stay in the basement of the church, but she insisted. I didn't want to cost anyone anything. I just wanted to visit.
I worry a lot. How much in life is purely good? Like, have you ever had a bunch of good things happen in a row in your life? Then you brace for impact because everything that goes up must come down. Like....whats finna happen? What is God cushioning the blow from? OR maybe he really is just blessing me. IDK
More things to come.
Also, had a birthday recently. I don't feel as old as I am, and according to others I look a lot younger so thats nice.
Anyway, take care of yourselves and be kind.
Love, A Schizophrenic.

Burnt out

I hate going so long without posting. I just get tired from work and want to do absolutely nothing when I get home. Speaking of work, I asked my boss for a raise. He talked to his boss and she agreed to give me one! They also have me studying for a promotion which comes with another raise! 

I have managed to find a place to live...as are all of my other housemates. One was already planning on moving, the girl who was going to take my spot decided not to, and the other girl (the one that kicked me out) couldn't find anyone to take the spots. Then, the other housemate decided to find somewhere else. How the tables have turned. 

I found a place with some friends who were kind enough to help me put the decals on my JEEP! I named it Indominus Jeep. If you have ever seen Jurassic Park or Jurassic World than you will understand. Since I don't have to have a security deposit for where I am going, I can surprise my dad for Easter weekend. He has 0 idea. My step mom, siblings, best friends, and aunt all know. This is a surprise for him and I can't wait! Its been so long since I've been able to go home for Easter.

I had my audition. It went better than I thought it would, but not as great as I had hoped. I haven't heard anything back yet though. 

I have got so burned out on my job, but it looks like things will be a bit different now. I am glad that I have the weekend off this week to recuperate. I only work 4 days next week so that is nice too. I just got to where I was so irritable and moody at work. I'd get upset with others for no reason and I hate when I, like that. They don't deserve that. They are good people. I have to remind myself of that constantly.  

We may not realize how important our days of rest are sometimes. Sometimes all you need is a couple consecutive days to raise morale. Maybe Monday will be better.

Take care of yourselves and be kind to each other.

Love, A Schizophrenic

better now

I had a bit of a mental break down last week. It was rough and I felt like the whole world was caving in on me. I am doing better now and have been working to make things work. Thanks to a couple friends, I have an apartment to go to after my lease ends in this one. I've also began making money by delivering through door dash. The company that helped finance my jeep has lowered my payments which is REALLY nice! I was brave today and asked my boss what I could do to earn a raise at work. He said he will talk to his boss and see what they can work out, but he also wants to promote me to a trainer which will also help get me a raise.
A friend of mine really helped me when she gave me some money to help find a place to live. I'm pretty sure I'll be able to make the trip back home to NC to surprise my dad for Easter weekend. I also have my audition for my master's this weekend. I've been practicing and praying.
It is okay to have a breakdown. I think it is even okay to stay down and not be okay for a little bit. Then, you get back up and try some more.
Take care of yourselves.
Love, A Schizophrenic