What is schizophrenia again?

It is like I can't scream loud enough. People still won't hear and they will never understand! This isn't just a game and it isn't something I can just ignore. I can't make it go away because I want to go somewhere. Do you know I had to cancel going on a missions trip this summer because I wasn't well enough to go? People ask me every day "How, are you feeling?" The same damn way I felt yesterday. It does not go away over night. It isn't like the flu or a cold that will get better quickly. No! This is fucking schizophrenia! It stays. It never leaves. It.is.always.ALWAYS.there. No matter what. There is no beating it. There is no cure. There is no get well soon. There is, "I hope you don't off yourself too soon." There is "I hope you aren't one of those statistics." There is no promise of a future for me. People say that I am too young. People are diagnosed younger than me. I was diagnosed at 17 and am now 22. I've come to face it. Why can't you? There is nothing except a mind lost and wondering within itself never to return to the light of day again. That is schizophrenia.
                                                                   Love, a schizophrenic

How I handle myself in public?

Wow. Some one had the nerve to ask me how I handle myself in public! What is that even supposed to mean? Maybe they're right.
Basically, I go to therapy so I can conceal what is going on in my head and not freak the rest of the world out. They want me to calm down so they can go about their business. As long as I am not bothering them, who cares about what goes on inside me head? Right? I take medication so I freak out less yet every time I have a bit of a melt down, it is back to the ER I go. Back out of people's way. I have to learn to "deal with it" so that everyone can ignore it. No one wants to admit it is there, but it is! They try to hide us from society so that people with think that we have everything under control and that EVERYONE IS FINE AND DANDY WHEN THEY AREN'T! Doctors don't care if we get better. They just want our money. Family members want to look humble yet they yell at us everytime we have even the slightest issue. Next time I won't "handle myself in public." I don't want to be forced to sit quietly while hallucinations tear me to shreds. I want to run away from them. I want to fight them. While you are sitting in your chair chatting away with your friends, smiling, drinking, and having the best time of your life I am forced to sit there and pretend to be okay. I have to pretend I am okay for your comfort when I am seeing monsters and demons wreaking havoc everywhere. They tell me to cut or they will bite. Have you ever been bitten before by them? Do you know what a tactile hallucination is? I have and I do. I have to let them bite me. I have to watch them and see the blood. I have to make sure I don't even squarm from the pain. I have to sit and smile for your comfort. So, how do I handle myself in public? I don't know. Maybe that is why I end up in so many wards.
                                                                   Love, a schizophrenic
         

Life

I don't care anymore.

What is everyday life like with schizophrenia?

People ask me sometimes about how my life is different then someone who doesn't have schizophrenia. To answer honestly, it changes everyday. It also depends on who you are asking. Some days are good and there really isn't much a difference, but other days it is a whole different world. I have a routine that I try to follow to make sure I am functional.

Step one: After I wake up I get up. Some days I don't even get this far.

Step two: I eat. I love cereal but wouldn't complain if I had eggs, liver mush, and toast with a glass of milk or oj. 

Step three: I take my medication. I have to do this after I eat otherwise I will throw up because of the medicine. If I can make it this far on my own today will be a good day.

Step four: I get dressed. If I can find the motivation to do that then I feel pretty good. Hopefully the good day feeling stays all day. It doesn't always.

5: I have to get moving. If I let my mind idle, I will lose it. My mind has to be moving as does my body. That is 1 reason why I like playing rugby and my instruments. Both require me to think and both require me to move and exorcise. If I can do this, it is a miracle. This one tells me wether or not traveling or what ever is a good idea. I don't travel when I recognize myself showing heavy symptoms. It could be dangerous and frightening for me and everyone around me.

6: Its probs medicine time by now which means it is also lunch time. If I have made it this far without a hallucination or any other problems I start to get worried because I know it is bound to happen soon. It is like I am waiting on someone to arrive. "hmmm. Where are they?" Most of the time I freak out at least once or twice by now. If not out loud then secretly. That is what the therapy is for. It helps me act normal when freaking out on the inside so I don't frighten anyone on the outside. 

7: I go about my day with chores or errands. I hang out with friends and freak out a couple more times. I like to relax a bit in the evening with a game or a cartoon.

8: drug time once more, but that means DINNER! YAY! Then a shower :(

9: Showers mean it is almost night time and I hate night time. Everything slows down except for me. My mind is still running at 500 mph and I want to do the same. It gets lonely. It gets depressing because I start thinking about things like the future and certain classes in school. Mainly the future though. Let's face, schizophrenia doesn't promise a very bright future...not even a dimly lit one.

This is just my normal weekend day. The week days are a harder to go through because of work and classes soon. I am doing well being able to take on work and school. What happens on my bad days though? It depends. On what, I don't know. Not every bad day is the same. Somedays, like I mentioned earlier, I can't get out of bed. If I do,I try to kill myself either from depression or hallucinations telling me to, I cry and scream out of fear because the logic part of my brain left sometime during the night and nothing makes sense anymore, or sometimes I track down bad guys or my neighbors cat because they have the fire stone that opens the portal on mars where Obama is planning to destroy the earth while playing checkers with Buddha. Sometimes all of these happen. 

It is hard to explain the average day because there is no average. If you know someone with a disorder like this, please be patient and kind. They are just as confused by it as you are. Don't be condescending and don't try to make the mean things you say sound nice. They'll know. 

                                                                     Love, a schizophrenic

Triggers

Some friends and I were discussing scary movies the other day. They asked me if horror films or scary stories are triggers for me. Those of you who don't know, a trigger is something that can cause my symptoms to become worse. Bacon may make someone with high cholesteral have higher cholesteral. Talking about large noisy crowds may upset someone with a social phobia. Talking about frightening things may cause someone with psychosis to have hallucinations. My answer to them was this:

I have some triggers. Some scary movies may make hallucinations worse. Others may make paranoia worse. It doesn't have to be anything scary though. Certain animals, certain people, or certain places can also cause it. Being alone can also cause me to become depressed and even make me pay more attention to hallucinations, delusions, and paranoia. Last night, for example, I was home alone. I heard something come up the stairs. What ever it was then went into my room and into my closet. I picked up my knife and opened it. I opened the closet door with the knife pointed in front of me and turned on the light. Nothing. Nothing was there except for boxes, clothes, and suitcases. Luckily, my logic wasn't too far gone and I was able to talk myself down. I'm not always able to do that. 

Sometimes even talking about my schizophrenia can seem to make it worse, but I don't know for sure. 

I just wanted to share something because I haven't done so in a while. I hadn't been feeling so great the past couple weeks. 

                                                                           Love, a schizophrenic

How I've been doing.

This week has been a bit rough and I haven't posted anything because of it. I was having a tough time concentrating and my hallucinations were kinda too much. Sorry this post is so short. I try to only write when I am well so thoughts written make sense.
                                                           Love, a Schizophrenic.