About 10 years ago I had joined a youth group at a church. We had a youth pastor who said many crude things to many kids and about other kids in the group. I recall one trip in particular that made many uncomfortable by his presence. My cousin came to me upset because of something that had happened in their hotel room the previous night. He said that Kevin, the youth pastor, had been bullying and embarrassing him. He said that Kevin pantsed him in front of everyone in the room, pushed him on the bed, and forced a stuffed animal up his you know where. Later on the trip Kevin had touched my hip and my breast. He made comments about it to the older boys in the group later. Fast forward to this year. Kevin is no longer the youth pastor, but was running for a seat on the board of education back home. I emailed the superintendent explaining why this man should not be allowed to run and should not be anywhere near children. I never received an email, but was relieved when I saw that he had not been elected.
So now what? Well, this is not the first time that I have opened up to someone about some sort of sexual abuse or unwanted sexual act. Many people are afraid to tell because they do not know what happens afterwards. I feared getting in trouble and ruining someone's life. Kevin has 2 daughters. What happens to them? Could it ruin their lives?
1st off, lets talk about what can happen after you tell. In a way it will be relieving because you no longer have that secret and you can begin to heal. You can begin to learn that what happened was not your fault and the consequences the offender faces after you tell is also not your fault.You are not alone and you do not have to heal alone either. There are people that can help you.
2nd, what might happen. This is the scary part. There is a chance no one will believe you. It happened to me and I took long to begin healing because I did not want to offend others by calling out their dis belief. The person may get angry and target you. I have also had this happen because no one believed me and he was set left free. Others may come forth about what the person did to them. This has also happened to me. After I opened up about my brother's friend trying to rape me many of my friends and even strangers from my school spoke up and said that he had done the same to them. It may save someone. What if Kevin is doing the same thing to his daughters? Well, now someone knows to watch for it. What if he isn't? What if it ruins his life or theirs? These things are not your fault. The person does these things themselves when they commit the act(s).
3rd. What does NOT happen. You may not heal immediately. You will not get into trouble. It may not fix your life or cover up the scars.
If you have been abused in someway by someone please tell someone! The way we end the stigma about all the #metoo is by talking about it. Make it known.
Take care of yourselves and each other.
Love, A Schizophrenic
Wednesday, March 4, 2020
Wednesday, January 22, 2020
Another The Mighty Story
We've all been there. That moment when you realize your illness is inconvenient and difficult for others. For that moment, even in the slightest, you may feel as if you owe someone an apology. You may forget that you don't control your illness and may think it is your fault. Just for that moment.
I was 20 years old and had taken a break from school because of schizophrenia. I needed to move back home to my parent's house. I had been in and out of hospitals all year and tensions were high in our household. My step mother had been known to make comments here and there about my illness. "Its like walking on egg shells around you." She'd say without realizing I felt the same thing about her. Or "Why don't you sit still? People are starring." "Don't tell the church people. They won't understand." The sun began to set that evening and I could feel depression begin to eat me alive. "You're so dramatic." She said passing me by. I was sitting on our couch watching television as tears poured out of my face. Later, she came back out of her room, turned to me and said "Do you know what it does to your father? Hearing you out here boo hooing knowing he can't fix it!" I told her "I don't know what you want me to do about it. I'm sorry."
Ever since that moment, I felt bad for being unwell because I knew it made my father sad. I have battled inside with whether or not to share this story. I do not wish to make my step mother seem bad because she certainly is not. She was simply overwhelmed with an ill child and a heartbroken husband. Many of us may have said the same thing.
I've thought about this over the years. Many of you can probably think of several times when you were made to feel ( by yourself or by others) as if you owed someone and apology. You do not. You may not even owe anyone an explanation. Put the stick down you've been beating your self up with and use it to help yourself stand up straight. If you struggle with an illness/disorder IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Sure, cancelling plans or whatever may be an inconvenience to others, but they may not have a clue as to what you are dealing with. People will just have to deal with it.
Life is hard enough. If someone is struggling with something be kind enough to help them. We're all in this together.
Love, A Schizophrenic
I was 20 years old and had taken a break from school because of schizophrenia. I needed to move back home to my parent's house. I had been in and out of hospitals all year and tensions were high in our household. My step mother had been known to make comments here and there about my illness. "Its like walking on egg shells around you." She'd say without realizing I felt the same thing about her. Or "Why don't you sit still? People are starring." "Don't tell the church people. They won't understand." The sun began to set that evening and I could feel depression begin to eat me alive. "You're so dramatic." She said passing me by. I was sitting on our couch watching television as tears poured out of my face. Later, she came back out of her room, turned to me and said "Do you know what it does to your father? Hearing you out here boo hooing knowing he can't fix it!" I told her "I don't know what you want me to do about it. I'm sorry."
Ever since that moment, I felt bad for being unwell because I knew it made my father sad. I have battled inside with whether or not to share this story. I do not wish to make my step mother seem bad because she certainly is not. She was simply overwhelmed with an ill child and a heartbroken husband. Many of us may have said the same thing.
I've thought about this over the years. Many of you can probably think of several times when you were made to feel ( by yourself or by others) as if you owed someone and apology. You do not. You may not even owe anyone an explanation. Put the stick down you've been beating your self up with and use it to help yourself stand up straight. If you struggle with an illness/disorder IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Sure, cancelling plans or whatever may be an inconvenience to others, but they may not have a clue as to what you are dealing with. People will just have to deal with it.
Life is hard enough. If someone is struggling with something be kind enough to help them. We're all in this together.
Love, A Schizophrenic
Sunday, October 20, 2019
Mighty story
Welp, after a series of events I decided tosubmit another story to the mighty. I'm to lazy to retell it here so long story short: I'm schizophrenic and I had a bad week because of it. It upset people. The end.
Also, if someone gives you twa to "heal your blah blah blah" they lying and are ignorant. Punch em.
Love, A schizophrenic
Also, if someone gives you twa to "heal your blah blah blah" they lying and are ignorant. Punch em.
Love, A schizophrenic
Sunday, August 11, 2019
Re inventing the Wheel
My mind is beginning to circle back to the same problems. What about the future? my future? what are my plans? Everyone else is so far past me in life and here I sit.
Love, A Schizophrenic
Love, A Schizophrenic
Sunday, June 9, 2019
Fight: Irishmen vs American Women
So the past couple weeks have been interesting. We've had 2 guest at our house. 1 is a friend my housemate basically grew up with and the other is a friend from ireland her husband met on xbox. We've all been hanging out and going exploring, hiking, swimming, eating, and shopping. Fun right? Sure....
Most of it was fun and Damien is a really nice guy who apparently had a little crush on me. Yikes. Luckily, he noticed I am a "free spirit" as he put it. Dodged a bullet on that one. Yeet yeet. His problem is....MANSPLANING.... He mansplanned my jeep, my parking break, how to drive stick even though i drive a stick, mountain roads, water, hiking trails, bras, cheese, trucks, cars, turning lanes and lights, money, bumpers, tires, roads, fries, dos bros, dogs, walmart, stars, sunsets, gum on clothes, paint, medical things to my pre med friend, tea, sexism, fighting, parking, mountains, rivers, heat, and a billion other things. It was so annoying. He stressed us all out so bad at times because he just would not stop talking. He kept complaining and complaining and complaining. I think he has a case of culture shock. He finally leaves today and we are happy. We love the guy to death really, but he is a friend for small trips and light doses and not 2 weeks adventures. I was so afraid I was gonna say something to start a fight, but.....
Our other visiting friend jokingly said "fight me." I got excited because I LOVE FIGHTING! It is so fun and I was trained in a few forms martial arts. Through some peer pressure we all ended up in the backyard last night for a fight. I boxed our other visiting friend. She had some good punches, but I won. Damien fought my housemates husband....and won. I decided to take on the winner.....
After calling him sexist for being willing to hit a guy, but not a girl, he finally gave in. We had ourselves a good ole fashioned mixed gender boxing match. He did not hit hard at all despite all of his grunting and moaning. I tore him up. My housemate, her husband, and our friend all agreed Damien got his booty handed to him. Before he left for chocolate he said he is sore and bruised from our fight lol
Now he can go back to Ireland and tell them how kick ass women in the USA are.
Have fun
Love, A Schizophrenic
Most of it was fun and Damien is a really nice guy who apparently had a little crush on me. Yikes. Luckily, he noticed I am a "free spirit" as he put it. Dodged a bullet on that one. Yeet yeet. His problem is....MANSPLANING.... He mansplanned my jeep, my parking break, how to drive stick even though i drive a stick, mountain roads, water, hiking trails, bras, cheese, trucks, cars, turning lanes and lights, money, bumpers, tires, roads, fries, dos bros, dogs, walmart, stars, sunsets, gum on clothes, paint, medical things to my pre med friend, tea, sexism, fighting, parking, mountains, rivers, heat, and a billion other things. It was so annoying. He stressed us all out so bad at times because he just would not stop talking. He kept complaining and complaining and complaining. I think he has a case of culture shock. He finally leaves today and we are happy. We love the guy to death really, but he is a friend for small trips and light doses and not 2 weeks adventures. I was so afraid I was gonna say something to start a fight, but.....
Our other visiting friend jokingly said "fight me." I got excited because I LOVE FIGHTING! It is so fun and I was trained in a few forms martial arts. Through some peer pressure we all ended up in the backyard last night for a fight. I boxed our other visiting friend. She had some good punches, but I won. Damien fought my housemates husband....and won. I decided to take on the winner.....
After calling him sexist for being willing to hit a guy, but not a girl, he finally gave in. We had ourselves a good ole fashioned mixed gender boxing match. He did not hit hard at all despite all of his grunting and moaning. I tore him up. My housemate, her husband, and our friend all agreed Damien got his booty handed to him. Before he left for chocolate he said he is sore and bruised from our fight lol
Now he can go back to Ireland and tell them how kick ass women in the USA are.
Have fun
Love, A Schizophrenic
Thursday, June 6, 2019
learning to live with schizophrenia, the mighty
Making it through every day life as some one living with schizophrenia can be extremely tough. Going to college....well that can make it more difficult as well. It may even seem impossible at times.
College is full of opportunity, new experiences, and stressful expectations. When I first arrive to college, I was petrified. It was such a last minute thing for many reasons, had no job yet, I did not know anyone, and I was 6 hours away from home and in another state. I had to get settled on my own. I had to jump through hoops all over this new place just to get registered and financial aid worked out. I needed books too. I had an audition and rehearsals to run to. That sounds like an average beginning, but I was battling against schizophrenia at the time.
My university helped me inform my professors of my needs and helped me find ways to communicate with multiple doctors in multiple states. I was learning to keep myself on a strict daily schedule. I absolutely hated it. I hated fitting medication time in to my schedule. I hated that I took my exams in another room room from the other students. It made me angry that an alternative testing site actually helped in some cases. As a musician, I was frustrated that others could hear without hallucinations. I was embarrassed when I would begin speaking to someone only to realize they were not actually real. There were times I could not see to read music or see the board in class because a hallucination thought it necessary to stand where ever I looked. Professors thought I was unorganized. They thought I did not care because I often forgot things even if I wrote it down.They told me I needed to consider changing my major on several occasions. Many thought it necessary to tell me what was best for me when they had no idea the daily battle I, and several students, were facing. Everyone told me I should go to counseling. They didn't realize I was having as many as 4 psychiatrist/ psychologist visits a week. I hated coming out of a delusion that made think I had been cured or healed only to have to tell people it was just a schizophrenic delusion. I hated every waking second of being me because of the schizophrenia.
Learning to live with schizophrenia is a process. It is a process that takes time, trial and error, and inhuman amounts of patience. It is something that I still working on. I wanted to write this story to anyone living with or battling against a disorder of any kind. There are going to be times where you hate your disorder. There may be times where you feel so incapable and so excluded from everything and everyone else. I encourage you to push through. Push through your frustrations, hurt, confusion, overwhelms, and obstacles. Be the person that over comes in the face of adversity when no one else can. It will not be easy. It may take much longer than you thought, but keep moving.
One of the biggest most difficult things for anyone is learning your limits. I had to figure out ways to schedule things so that I was not overwhelmed with life. This meant taking fewer classes and allowing more mental break time. If things aren't working, talk with your therapist to figure out why. Trial and error. Try to be patient with yourself. There were times I would get so angry at myself that I could not function. It all goes back to taking time. Take time for yourself.
You never have to do something you do not want to do. We've all been in situations where we've felt obligated to do something or go somewhere that was stressful. It is okay to tell others "no." They will survive. I had to learn this the hard way. I had began to run myself ragged and was afraid to stop moving. One day my therapist told me to stop moving for 10 minutes a day. At 1st, I could only stop for 2 minutes, then 5, and so on. During one of my 10 minute stops, I heard music. It was a hallucination, but I decided to write it down. I had been taking aural skills classes so I decided to put it to use. I wrote down what I had heard and then wrote some more. At night, I began to dream in music. I would write it down when I woke up. I'd put all of these musical thoughts together and make compositions of them. When I am writing or playing music everything stops. Even though those moments are filled with music, those are the quietest moments. Those are the moments that taught me to see the beauty in my imperfections. That was the start of learning to live with schizophrenia instead of fighting against it.
There are still days where I struggle. There are days where I can't make complete sentences and struggle to remember my name. I still get impatient with myself. I still self harm. I still do a lot of things, but I am learning to be at peace. I am learning to live with rather than fight against schizophrenia.
I hope that the reader will find something that gives them even just a moment of peace. And in that peace, a moment of self love and patience.
Love, A Schizophrenic
College is full of opportunity, new experiences, and stressful expectations. When I first arrive to college, I was petrified. It was such a last minute thing for many reasons, had no job yet, I did not know anyone, and I was 6 hours away from home and in another state. I had to get settled on my own. I had to jump through hoops all over this new place just to get registered and financial aid worked out. I needed books too. I had an audition and rehearsals to run to. That sounds like an average beginning, but I was battling against schizophrenia at the time.
My university helped me inform my professors of my needs and helped me find ways to communicate with multiple doctors in multiple states. I was learning to keep myself on a strict daily schedule. I absolutely hated it. I hated fitting medication time in to my schedule. I hated that I took my exams in another room room from the other students. It made me angry that an alternative testing site actually helped in some cases. As a musician, I was frustrated that others could hear without hallucinations. I was embarrassed when I would begin speaking to someone only to realize they were not actually real. There were times I could not see to read music or see the board in class because a hallucination thought it necessary to stand where ever I looked. Professors thought I was unorganized. They thought I did not care because I often forgot things even if I wrote it down.They told me I needed to consider changing my major on several occasions. Many thought it necessary to tell me what was best for me when they had no idea the daily battle I, and several students, were facing. Everyone told me I should go to counseling. They didn't realize I was having as many as 4 psychiatrist/ psychologist visits a week. I hated coming out of a delusion that made think I had been cured or healed only to have to tell people it was just a schizophrenic delusion. I hated every waking second of being me because of the schizophrenia.
Learning to live with schizophrenia is a process. It is a process that takes time, trial and error, and inhuman amounts of patience. It is something that I still working on. I wanted to write this story to anyone living with or battling against a disorder of any kind. There are going to be times where you hate your disorder. There may be times where you feel so incapable and so excluded from everything and everyone else. I encourage you to push through. Push through your frustrations, hurt, confusion, overwhelms, and obstacles. Be the person that over comes in the face of adversity when no one else can. It will not be easy. It may take much longer than you thought, but keep moving.
One of the biggest most difficult things for anyone is learning your limits. I had to figure out ways to schedule things so that I was not overwhelmed with life. This meant taking fewer classes and allowing more mental break time. If things aren't working, talk with your therapist to figure out why. Trial and error. Try to be patient with yourself. There were times I would get so angry at myself that I could not function. It all goes back to taking time. Take time for yourself.
You never have to do something you do not want to do. We've all been in situations where we've felt obligated to do something or go somewhere that was stressful. It is okay to tell others "no." They will survive. I had to learn this the hard way. I had began to run myself ragged and was afraid to stop moving. One day my therapist told me to stop moving for 10 minutes a day. At 1st, I could only stop for 2 minutes, then 5, and so on. During one of my 10 minute stops, I heard music. It was a hallucination, but I decided to write it down. I had been taking aural skills classes so I decided to put it to use. I wrote down what I had heard and then wrote some more. At night, I began to dream in music. I would write it down when I woke up. I'd put all of these musical thoughts together and make compositions of them. When I am writing or playing music everything stops. Even though those moments are filled with music, those are the quietest moments. Those are the moments that taught me to see the beauty in my imperfections. That was the start of learning to live with schizophrenia instead of fighting against it.
There are still days where I struggle. There are days where I can't make complete sentences and struggle to remember my name. I still get impatient with myself. I still self harm. I still do a lot of things, but I am learning to be at peace. I am learning to live with rather than fight against schizophrenia.
I hope that the reader will find something that gives them even just a moment of peace. And in that peace, a moment of self love and patience.
Love, A Schizophrenic
Tuesday, May 14, 2019
Yesterday before work I found myself wondering around the woods near my house. I found small foot trails and signs of wild animals. It looked as if deer had been running along the paths. I thought it was strange that no laws bind them really. They could go where ever they wanted, but they chose to wonder on that path. I wondered if they'd been the ones to make an keep the path similar to a bird who has memorized the way south for the winter. If so, how many generations had kept that path? Was it recognized by scent or sight? Did they only come through at certain times and did they live near there? I'm sure they venture other places too. I'm sure they've seen all kinds of sights and smelled all kinds of plants. I wondered what part of their story does that trail belong to.
I then began to consider myself. What if I lived freely as those animals? What if I wondered, but always came home. What if I experienced many things and have seen many sights? What is stopping me and why am I letting it?
Explore.
Take care of yourelves
Be kind to one another
Be free
Love, A Schizophrenic
I then began to consider myself. What if I lived freely as those animals? What if I wondered, but always came home. What if I experienced many things and have seen many sights? What is stopping me and why am I letting it?
Explore.
Take care of yourelves
Be kind to one another
Be free
Love, A Schizophrenic
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