If there is anything the past month has taught me, it is that I am an idiot. I am so stupid to ever thing that anything would ever work out for me. Why didn't I listen? Because I AM FUCKING RETARDED! I always mess everything up and am sooooo stupid!
I forced God's hand when I bought the jeep. Now it needs work and I can't afford it. I fooled myself into thinking that because I prayed over this not so smart thing, that it would be okay. I convinced myself that because I prayed for God to be in it that it would be okay. I prayed and blessed the house I am living in and my roommates and how I have to leave. I was so stupid to think that good things could ever go be for me. I forced God's hand in going to college and in graduating. I got the degree I shouldn't have got and did I use it? NO! Because I thought there was something better out there for me. Why? Because I am an idiot! I should have just settled to teach. I would have been unhappy, but at least I could afford a place to live, but nooooooo! I just had to think I could do something amazing and earn a masters. I probably won't even get accepted. BECAUSE I AM AN IDIOT!!!!! I should have killed myself a looooong time ago..oh wait! I tried! But guess what? I failed because I am so stupid!
Having a decent and affordable place to live is too much for me. Why would I ever think something like that could ever happen to me? Why would I ever think that I could be able to afford to do laundry or pay my own bills? Why did I ever think I'd have a nice car and everything would be okay? Why did I think people wanted to be my friend? Because I am an idiot!
What ever
A Schizophrenic
Wednesday, March 27, 2019
Friday, March 15, 2019
Independence is weird
I haven't posted anything in a couple weeks. To catch up, I finally got contracted through VIPKID. I haven't taught a class yet, but I will get there. My hours have picked back up at work which is great because..........
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I BOUGHT A JEEP WRANGLER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It was a total God thing in so many ways. He provided financially and just had perfect timing with things. He answered prayers in multiple ways and I cannot thank him enough. Now, if I need to go some where I can. I have to remind myself I do not need to ask for a ride. I can go when ever I want. It feels kinda weird.
The bad news, my roomie told me I have negative energy and wants me to move out at the end of the lease....which her name isn't even on. Something about her parents don't think I'm healthy to live with. She refuses to talk about it. The other roommate is too much of a follower to say anything. When I asked them what it was I had done, she 1 just said "You have a negative energy. I have to do whats best for me." I really could say a lot about her, but I don't want to be that person right now. All I know is she really can't make me move. Thats the landlord's decision. Not hers. I'm trying to be civil, but another friend asked how much the roommate has done to fix the problem. They, once again, refused to talk about it. What ever.
Take care of yourselves and help each other. Learn from one another, fix problems, and build each other up.
Love, A Schizophrenic
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.........
........
I BOUGHT A JEEP WRANGLER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It was a total God thing in so many ways. He provided financially and just had perfect timing with things. He answered prayers in multiple ways and I cannot thank him enough. Now, if I need to go some where I can. I have to remind myself I do not need to ask for a ride. I can go when ever I want. It feels kinda weird.
The bad news, my roomie told me I have negative energy and wants me to move out at the end of the lease....which her name isn't even on. Something about her parents don't think I'm healthy to live with. She refuses to talk about it. The other roommate is too much of a follower to say anything. When I asked them what it was I had done, she 1 just said "You have a negative energy. I have to do whats best for me." I really could say a lot about her, but I don't want to be that person right now. All I know is she really can't make me move. Thats the landlord's decision. Not hers. I'm trying to be civil, but another friend asked how much the roommate has done to fix the problem. They, once again, refused to talk about it. What ever.
Take care of yourselves and help each other. Learn from one another, fix problems, and build each other up.
Love, A Schizophrenic
Sunday, March 3, 2019
What hollywood doesn't tell you
I was diagnosed with schizophrenia at age 17. Before that and since then I have had more psych ward stays than I can count. Each stay is terrifying for its own reason.
The first few are obviously frightening because it is something new and at this point you probably still don't believe that anything is wrong with you. You go to the ER. They check you in and get a psych consult from an on call doctor making rounds to 4 or 5 other counties before getting to you. Once that's over they either send you home or find a room for you somewhere. The next part of the process was a little different for me in some ways the 1st time I was admitted because I was a minor at the time. Once they find a bed( this may take weeks) you get a room. They run you through their security. No jewelry, shoe laces, underwire bras, shorts with drawstrings, and no electronic devices. Once your in you get a nice set of paper scrubs to last you until whoever can bring you clothes and hygiene items.
While you're there they walk you around and show you everything. They explain all the rules. Yes, padded rooms exist and Thorazine is still a thing. I would know. You are taken to your room and shown where you can put you things. Sometimes you have your own room and other times you do not. They give you a copy of the daily schedule and your doctors' names. You do one on one therapy and see a psychiatrist. The wards also have social workers come in especially if you are a minor. There is usually at least 1 phone and multiple opportunities to use it throughout the day. Televisions, books,and games are commonly available as well.
Okay.....why am I telling you all this? Many people refuse to get help because they're afraid they will get carted of and locked away forever. That isn't how things work. Most of these places keep you no longer than a couple weeks, but more are out in a week or less. State mental institutions are different stories that I can write about later. I know all of this sounds terrifying, but understand these places are there to help you! I was to afraid to sleep the 1st time I was in a youth ward. I was experiencing hallucinations....bad ones. The doctor told me to write down anytime a voice told me to hurt someone or myself. I told him that I cannot write that fast. He helped me come up with ways to deal with it until the medication took affect. I went to lie back down. A couple hours later I was hearing things coming from my bathroom and seeing things. I thought someone was hiding in my shower. I quickly got up and walked out the door. I made my way to the nurses station. They asked me what was wrong and I told them that someone was in my room. The security guard immediately went to check it out while the nurse gave me water and some crackers. They legitimately wanted to help me. I've had other incidents as well in adult wards.
I write all of this to tell you that you don't need to be afraid to get help. I wish I had someone to walk me through the process when it first happened to me. It is a long process, but usually a helpful one. If you think you or someone you know needs help do not be afraid of being "locked away." Most places genuinely want to help you.
Take care of your selves and each other.
Love, A Schizophrenic
The first few are obviously frightening because it is something new and at this point you probably still don't believe that anything is wrong with you. You go to the ER. They check you in and get a psych consult from an on call doctor making rounds to 4 or 5 other counties before getting to you. Once that's over they either send you home or find a room for you somewhere. The next part of the process was a little different for me in some ways the 1st time I was admitted because I was a minor at the time. Once they find a bed( this may take weeks) you get a room. They run you through their security. No jewelry, shoe laces, underwire bras, shorts with drawstrings, and no electronic devices. Once your in you get a nice set of paper scrubs to last you until whoever can bring you clothes and hygiene items.
While you're there they walk you around and show you everything. They explain all the rules. Yes, padded rooms exist and Thorazine is still a thing. I would know. You are taken to your room and shown where you can put you things. Sometimes you have your own room and other times you do not. They give you a copy of the daily schedule and your doctors' names. You do one on one therapy and see a psychiatrist. The wards also have social workers come in especially if you are a minor. There is usually at least 1 phone and multiple opportunities to use it throughout the day. Televisions, books,and games are commonly available as well.
Okay.....why am I telling you all this? Many people refuse to get help because they're afraid they will get carted of and locked away forever. That isn't how things work. Most of these places keep you no longer than a couple weeks, but more are out in a week or less. State mental institutions are different stories that I can write about later. I know all of this sounds terrifying, but understand these places are there to help you! I was to afraid to sleep the 1st time I was in a youth ward. I was experiencing hallucinations....bad ones. The doctor told me to write down anytime a voice told me to hurt someone or myself. I told him that I cannot write that fast. He helped me come up with ways to deal with it until the medication took affect. I went to lie back down. A couple hours later I was hearing things coming from my bathroom and seeing things. I thought someone was hiding in my shower. I quickly got up and walked out the door. I made my way to the nurses station. They asked me what was wrong and I told them that someone was in my room. The security guard immediately went to check it out while the nurse gave me water and some crackers. They legitimately wanted to help me. I've had other incidents as well in adult wards.
I write all of this to tell you that you don't need to be afraid to get help. I wish I had someone to walk me through the process when it first happened to me. It is a long process, but usually a helpful one. If you think you or someone you know needs help do not be afraid of being "locked away." Most places genuinely want to help you.
Take care of your selves and each other.
Love, A Schizophrenic
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