We've all been there. That moment when you realize your illness is inconvenient and difficult for others. For that moment, even in the slightest, you may feel as if you owe someone an apology. You may forget that you don't control your illness and may think it is your fault. Just for that moment.
I was 20 years old and had taken a break from school because of schizophrenia. I needed to move back home to my parent's house. I had been in and out of hospitals all year and tensions were high in our household. My step mother had been known to make comments here and there about my illness. "Its like walking on egg shells around you." She'd say without realizing I felt the same thing about her. Or "Why don't you sit still? People are starring." "Don't tell the church people. They won't understand." The sun began to set that evening and I could feel depression begin to eat me alive. "You're so dramatic." She said passing me by. I was sitting on our couch watching television as tears poured out of my face. Later, she came back out of her room, turned to me and said "Do you know what it does to your father? Hearing you out here boo hooing knowing he can't fix it!" I told her "I don't know what you want me to do about it. I'm sorry."
Ever since that moment, I felt bad for being unwell because I knew it made my father sad. I have battled inside with whether or not to share this story. I do not wish to make my step mother seem bad because she certainly is not. She was simply overwhelmed with an ill child and a heartbroken husband. Many of us may have said the same thing.
I've thought about this over the years. Many of you can probably think of several times when you were made to feel ( by yourself or by others) as if you owed someone and apology. You do not. You may not even owe anyone an explanation. Put the stick down you've been beating your self up with and use it to help yourself stand up straight. If you struggle with an illness/disorder IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Sure, cancelling plans or whatever may be an inconvenience to others, but they may not have a clue as to what you are dealing with. People will just have to deal with it.
Life is hard enough. If someone is struggling with something be kind enough to help them. We're all in this together.
Love, A Schizophrenic
